


One Day At A Time

by Arcangel19



Series: Mitchell Highway Investigations [2]
Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Adoption, Anxiety Attacks, Autism Spectrum, Child Murder, Deaf Character, Drugs, Drunkenness, Family, Love, M/M, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Organized Crime, Police, Private Investigators
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-30
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:22:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 106,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25607314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arcangel19/pseuds/Arcangel19
Summary: Ben and Callum are married with three children, 12 year old Lexi and 8 year old twins, Roman and Tyler. They have only been together two years so it’s a lot, at times too much. Their business, Mitchell Highway Investigations is growing and they are constantly busy. And tired. And struggling to find time for themselves.Callum and Ben are dads first and foremost and, with current investigations all involving young people, they know this is not a world they want their children to grow up in. In putting their world to rights, their relationships on the right and wrong side of the law are tested.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Series: Mitchell Highway Investigations [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1856014
Comments: 85
Kudos: 38





	1. Worries

**Author's Note:**

> This is the second part in the series, a continuation of my story “When the past calls”. It can be read on its own but makes more sense read after the first story.

**MONDAY 14.12**

Callum was frazzled. Why else would he be standing outside at one in the morning of a freezing December day in his pyjamas and slippers? His strangled breath was returning to its normal rhythm as he gained some comfort from the scene in front of him. A full moon, glimpsed through the bare branches of the trees reaching crookedly over his head, gave a false sense of light as it bounced off the snow-covered ground, illuminating the garden so that every leaf on the small evergreen shrubs, every pebble in the paths and every dark fairy light could be clearly seen. Snowflakes sneaked softly through the still air, resting gently wherever they landed for a hushed moment before disappearing.

The anxiety attacks had not diminished since two summers ago when his life turned around and became wonderful. Surely they should have stopped, he worried, thinking something must be wrong with him. Inhaling and exhaling deeply, he steadied himself and focused on what he could see, what he could hear, what he could smell; it was a grounding technique as familiar to him as breathing. Building and maintaining this garden had provided creative and mindful activity when he had needed it most and it was a space where he could find peace as he was doing now, whatever the time of day, whatever the weather, whatever the season, constantly changing and full of hope. He wondered if it was time for some more help or if he just needed to talk properly to Ben. Like they ever found the time, he thought gloomily. A quiet creak disturbed him and he turned slightly as he heard the door open behind him.

“Babe?” Ben’s voice was followed swiftly by his arms settling around Callum’s waist after hands first resting on his chest to check his breathing. Ben knew. “You got your inside shoes on outside?” he asked. This was one of Callum’s biggest bugbears with the children and Ben’s flippant question made him smile. He didn’t have to explain himself to Ben because he was part of him, in his head, understanding him. He turned to smile at his husband, placing hands either side of his face and kissing him as softly as a settling snowflake, both closing their eyes after the initial meeting of minds where Callum saw concern switch rapidly to desire in Ben.

“I have an idea,” he murmured, pushing Ben back through the French doors and pinning him against the kitchen wall. The doors opened onto a small area to the side of the main kitchen, empty aside of an old dresser and a rug, where the children set up games and that Ben called the dance floor. Callum had other plans for this space right now.

“Shoes off first,” teased Ben, eyes sparkling at the prospect of what was to come.

“Oh, it’s all coming off,” promised Callum, busy peppering Ben’s collar bones with kisses and holding on to his hips firmly, with his fingers tucked inside the waistband of his pyjama bottoms. Ben was a moaner, an erotic pleasure for Callum, so he rubbed his thumbs over the front of Ben’s hip bones and downwards knowing it would send him into delirium. Ben grabbed Callum’s face and pressed his lips on Callum’s, mouths open, tongues searching out each other, breaking apart when they needed to breathe, eyes gripped together as they paused.

“Floor?” Ben proposed. Callum nodded and lowered himself and Ben onto the rug, his big hands cradling the back of Ben’s head so that it didn’t hit the floor hard. Ben’s legs lifted to anchor himself around Callum’s waist as his arms dragged their tops off, dropping his legs then as Callum removed their bottoms and for a moment they stopped and savoured their naked bodies pushed together, hot and heavy breaths glistening each other’s skin. “First time for sex in the kitchen,” Ben commented, fun plainly evident in his voice. “S’only taken you a year and a half since I moved in. There any lube in this room?” Callum hesitated, wondering if he was going to have to dash upstairs. “Well, Callum,” sassed Ben, enjoying his moment, “I always knew this time would come so …” and he pulled the nearby dresser cupboard door open, reaching for a box at the back under some never-used table linen, “… look what I’ve got!”

More often than not, it was Ben being penetrated – they both liked it that way round – but this time Callum wanted to feel Ben inside him. His nerves were on edge from the earlier panic and he wanted Ben to reach him, needed him to reach him.

“I’ll be bottom,” he said, delighting in Ben’s immediate thrill at the varied routine. It was Ben’s usual jokey boast to claim that he was an unbelievable lover but he really was, knowing exactly how to reach that spot in Callum that was going to arouse him stratospherically. He took his time making sure that Callum could fully experience every delicious moment with an attentiveness that was heartfelt and generous. Callum was aware of his burgeoning emotions and felt a massive release as his worries relinquished control to the euphoria bursting through. It was as though every anxiety Callum had ever experienced retreated with its tail between its legs.

“That was … did somethin’ for me … was amazin’,” Callum gasped when they were spent. Ben couldn’t speak, being completely overwhelmed by what had just happened. He had felt the moment when Callum’s anxieties left him, like a cage bursting open and releasing his spirit, and was touched that Callum trusted him so much. His emotions bubbled over.

“Oh god, I just … it was just so … god, thank you, babe, that was off the charts,” he spluttered through choked breaths. Callum had never had this reaction from him and didn’t know what to say. As far as he was concerned, the gift had been from Ben to him, so he settled for gently cleaning them both, then holding Ben close. Wrapped together, their deep, regular breaths in rhythm, they both soon fell asleep.

Callum woke first, his front warm next to Ben but his back now uncomfortably chilly. The unnatural light of the moon and the snow disguised the darkness but he could see it was before dawn. Pulling his head back slightly from their entangled bodies, he examined Ben’s face: masculine stubble and spattered freckles, a plump bottom lip and delicate lashes, hair fluffed in sleep dropping across his forehead - he was gorgeous. Callum could have lay there watching him for hours but, apart from being cold, he didn’t want to risk the children walking in on them naked in the kitchen so, reluctantly, he stroked Ben’s face to wake him.

“Let’s go back to bed for an hour,” he suggested as Ben opened his eyes. Ben nodded and scrambled to his feet pulling his pyjamas on as Callum did the same.

“Hang on a minute,” he grinned, safely hiding his accoutrements at the back of the dresser. “Might be useful again.” Callum returned the smile with interest; he had the biggest beam and, although he was extremely handsome, Ben thought he could be horribly ugly and still be beautiful with that smile. They headed upstairs and crawled back under the covers, facing each other.

“You okay, babe?” Ben’s voice was soft and reassuring, inviting not demanding Callum to share his worries.

“I keep panicking.” Callum was aware that Ben could see his struggles but still wanted to say it aloud. Ben reached across and ran his thumb down Callum’s cheek, a gentle gesture of support. “I can’t catch up,” Callum continued. “I want all this what we’ve got, but everything happened so quick and I feel like I’m watching everything ahead of me and I can’t close the gap.” He got hold of Ben’s hand. “Sometimes it feels like I’m watching somebody else’s life.”

Even though Ben was younger by five years, in some ways he’d had a head start having been a dad for twelve years. But he vividly remembered the early years when he was in a state of disbelief that this was his life; the way he had been at that time with his daughter, Lexi, was nothing short of disgraceful. He had still been a kid himself and, thinking about being a young parent, he recalled a recent conversation with a good friend of his and Callum’s.

“I was talking to Amanda about somethin’ like this,” he said. “Did you know she was twenty-eight when she had her first baby? My age now. Thing is, that’s pretty normal, I’m guessin’. What we’ve done is very far from normal.”

Callum wasn’t convinced that Ben understood, though. There had never been the slightest hint that Ben was not keeping up. He had welcomed Callum’s nephews coming to live with them, and, after a lengthy adoption process, they were now their sons and Ben had taken it all in his effortless stride. He was a wonderful parent.

“You reckon that your life has moved faster than you. You think I don’t feel like that?” Ben carried on, showing that maybe he did understand. “We should have toddlers not a twelve year old and two eight year olds. Or maybe just thinking about babies, not even having them yet.”

“I don’t not want our children,” insisted Callum. He loved them with every beat of his heart. “I just want to catch up. I want to stop feeling like life has got away from me.”

“Time for talking therapy?” suggested Ben, with a reassuring smile. Up to a year ago, he had visited a therapist regularly having his own issues to address; he wouldn’t hesitate to go again if he thought that was what he needed. Although he was prepared to talk to Callum every spare minute he had, he knew it sometimes helped to talk to somebody away from the problem.

“I don’t want anyone thinking that I’m not committed to our kids. It might sound like that if I start talking about it all. I just want to be able to talk to you.” Callum could tell from Ben’s doubtful face that he was thinking that this sounded like he was avoiding addressing his issues. “For now,” he added, not wanting to appear that he wasn’t open to help. “Or I could talk to Steve … what do you think?”

Steve was Amanda’s husband and was an actual psychologist, but, mainly, to Callum and Ben, he was an important close friend. Over the past year, they had got to know the older couple well and recognised common values and a shared sense of humour that made them great company; the four of them invariably ended up laughing long and hard about something or other.

“Yeah, good idea.” Ben was confident that Steve would enable Callum to organise his confused thoughts and smiled lovingly at Callum whose face softened as he received the smile. Callum turned to lay on his back, Ben pressed into his side, Callum’s outstretched arm tucked under Ben’s head, holding hands and massively comforted by each other as they enjoyed the silence. They hadn’t spent a night apart in over two years and knew exactly how they fitted together. It was still dark outside and they slumbered peacefully until they were rudely disturbed by their three children and their dog.

It was a school day and, like thousands of homes around the country, it involved recalcitrant children and parents holding onto their patience with their fingertips.

“Did you even see me yesterday?” Lexi was arguing with Ben about her Christmas jumper that she had worn the previous day when she was singing in the school choir at a local residential home for elderly people. “I SQUEEZED myself into it!” 

December was a crazy month in school with all things Christmas: concerts, parties, lunches and, of course, the ubiquitous festive jumper days. Ben usually took charge of this side of their life but he wondered if doing some of this might help Callum so he decided to involve him. There was one week of school left and Lexi had been in his ear all morning about needing a Christmas jumper for the last day of term on Friday. Roman and Tyler had jumpers from last year but Ben had made the mistake then of buying them for their age when they were both tall and needed the next age up; they definitely wouldn’t fit them this year as they had grown like weeds.

“They all need new Christmas jumpers,” said Ben to Callum. “Last year’s are too small. I’ve got a meeting with Charlie this morning so will you sort them?” he requested. It wasn’t completely untrue – he WAS meeting Charlie, a colleague who worked remotely for their business, MHI - Mitchell Highway Investigations.

“What? Buy Christmas jumpers? Where from? What size do I buy?” Callum was thrown right outside his comfort zone and Ben was sorely tempted to laugh at his agitation.

“Not sure. You’ll figure it out. Gotta go, I’m due on the call,” said Ben unhelpfully (or maybe helpfully) as he left Callum to do some problem-solving.

Down in the office, he logged on and greeted Charlie enthusiastically when he appeared on the screen. Charlie provided services for MHI such as monitoring of electronic surveillance devices and a bit of less than legal hacking. He was always a little flustered at the beginning of a call but Ben was his favourite person in the whole world so he was prepared to get through the initial discomfort. A solitary creature, he hardly ever left his flat and did not like people to visit him, but, deeply hidden inside, his fantasy life consisted of a chaste love of Ben.

“What do you do on Christmas Day?” asked Ben curiously. His own Christmas was going to be a whirlwind of visitors and visits, dinners and drinks, parties and presents.

“I don’t recognise Christmas,” stated Charlie unequivocally. He hesitated. “But, this year, I have bought some gifts because … I wanted to … for my friends who do recognise Christmas.” He was looking apprehensive leading Ben to surmise that he and Callum might be two of the lucky recipients.

“Are we allowed to buy you a gift?” he asked.

“No,” replied Charlie quickly. The last thing he wanted was to be faced with things in his flat that he hadn’t chosen himself.

“Okay,” Ben said agreeably, “but I might hang some mistletoe in front of this camera and give you a big remote Christmas kiss.” Charlie’s face burned at the idea but he wasn’t going to pass up a gift like that.

“That’d be nice,” he mumbled shyly. It wasn’t lost on Ben that Charlie had a soft spot for him and he made a mental note to bring the mistletoe to the next call.

“So Charlie, any updates on Julie and Tracye?” asked Ben, getting down to business.

Julie Golding (a new identity; formerly Sam Turner) was a nasty character they had come across during a former investigation into sex workers and human trafficking, a racket run by Callum’s mum before she went to prison. A sideline of Charlie’s was providing new identities for an exorbitant fee and he had done this for both Sam Turner and Tracye Hayes, a one time sex worker who had escaped that world and was now living under an alias that only Charlie knew. MHI knew Julie was still trying to find Tracye so Ben and Charlie devoted a bit of their time every week to keeping an eye on Tracye, making sure that Julie did not get anywhere near her. They also knew Julie was laundering money for local organised crime, a function served by Ben’s dad before he went to prison which was the point they discovered Julie had bugged his office to steal his business; if they came across any information about this they handed it over to Ben’s and Callum’s good friend, DI Amanda Peacock, and her team at the Regional Organised Crime Unit.

Callum and Ben were determined to have a different life to their criminal parents.

“I have talked to … Tracye,” said Charlie, “and we think it would be better if you, Callum, Frankie and Marcus knew her name and a bit about her.” Frankie and Marcus were the other two people who worked for MHI.

“Okay,” said Ben slowly, understanding that this meant something had changed. “Is she alright?”

“Her name is Megan Smith and she wants to meet you. She wants to bring Julie down.” Charlie had a habit of stating complicated matters in simple terms that didn’t convey the complexities and completely overlooked the risks. Ben immediately saw, first, the danger of Megan coming into MHI’s orbit and risking Julie discovering her whereabouts and, second, the massive danger associated with being part of Julie’s downfall.

“Charlie, we aren’t investigating Julie. We just keep an eye on her to keep Tracye … Megan safe,” he protested.

“Megan wants to hire you to investigate Julie,” explained Charlie. Ben sighed – he could easily imagine what Amanda would make of this.

“Amanda is not going to be happy with us doing that,” he told Charlie. “And she might be even more unhappy if she finds out about you and knows that we kept that from her.” Charlie’s activities were sometimes illegal, although most of what he did for MHI wasn’t against the law … or not much. That didn’t alter the fact that he was an important colleague that Amanda did not know existed. Callum and Ben didn’t feel conflicted about that – they were committed to looking after Charlie – and Amanda was well aware that their work strayed into legal grey areas now and then, something she was usually happy to overlook. This, however, would be related to her current operation and Ben didn’t think she would be very impressed.

“Please meet Megan and make up your mind after that. I will take care of the risks to me.” Charlie had thought this through and was aware that there was potential danger for him. To mitigate this, he was busy creating a former life for Megan so that anybody looking at her more closely wouldn’t see that she was a twenty-one year old who didn’t exist before she was fifteen, and he was confident he could do this convincingly.

“How can I refuse you anything, Charlie?” laughed Ben. “I get the feeling that you’re not going to take no for an answer.”

After arranging a date for the meeting with Megan, Ben hung up and went to find Callum. The house was empty apart from Robbie who was snoozing on the rug in the kitchen near the large French doors. Getting out his phone, he texted Callum.

_Where are you? xxx_

Ben waited for a few seconds and then a smile appeared on his face as a text came in. He loved that Callum was prompt with his replies.

_With Whit. Be back at lunch. X_

Whit was Callum’s ex from an unwise attempt at heterosexuality several years ago who had been dating Callum’s brother Stuart since the summer. Callum’s life was nothing if not complicated. She also had a market stall where she sold her own clothing designs and Ben deduced that this was where Callum had gone for Christmas jumper advice.

They were due to have a meeting that afternoon with Frankie and Marcus to go through the latest enquiry forms, and there were no outstanding cases, so Ben was at a bit of a loose end. His sister, Louise, and her daughter, Peggy, were coming to stay for a week over Christmas and his step-mum, Sharon, was staying for three nights as well. There was something on every day and, knowing how back-to-back activities got on Ben’s nerves and made him start losing his temper with everyone around him, Callum had planned everything like a military operation. There was literally nothing for Ben to do. Well, he could have done some administrative tasks for the business but that thought went in and out of his head at lightning speed.

“You, me and the forest, Rob? D’ya fancy a walk?” he suggested to the dog who woke instantly from his snooze and went to collect his lead from near the front door, a bit of training that Callum was especially proud of. The snow was still heavy on the ground so Ben decided on the family car, a very practical Volvo. Normally, he took any chance he could to go out in his beloved old Porsche 911, but he had never driven it in snow and he didn’t want to risk any harm coming to it. As he drove the twenty minutes it took to get to his favourite location, Ben reflected on all the things he could be grateful for and felt a surge in his spirits as he appreciated his wonderful life. Walking Robbie was an important part of his daily routine and, today, in a forest shrouded in snow, it was extraordinarily peaceful and restorative.

Callum was home when Ben got back and had brought lunch back with him having dropped into the bakery near the market.

“I picked up one of those hog roast rolls you like,” he announced as Ben came into the kitchen.

“I am going to be the size of a house after Christmas with all of the food you’ve planned,” moaned Ben. “It’s a good job you’re fond of my love handles,” he added as Callum squeezed his middle. “So how was Whitney?” Callum was looking very pleased with himself and reached for a bag he had brought in with him. Reaching into the bag, he pulled out three Christmas jumpers, holding them up for Ben to see.

“Whit started with some plain jumpers from her stock and added the Christmassy bits. She knew what size was right, what they’d like an’ all that – they’re great, aren’t they?” enthused Callum. Ben inspected them.

“Christmas jumpers are almost universally awful,” he proclaimed. “These are different. Nice.”

“So,” said Callum, his eyes sparkling with fun, “remembering the Christmas elf onesie you got for me two years ago … and made me wear … in return, I got a Christmas jumper for you.” He pulled out another jumper in cheap acrylic with a snowman on the front, a fabric carrot jutting straight outwards. Ben was horrified.

“You ARE joking?” he exclaimed, the pitch of his voice raised hysterically. “Whit’s creations are stylish. Where the fuck did you get that?”

“Kush’s stall,” said Callum innocently, collapsing into giggles as he saw Ben’s outraged reaction.

“Kush’s stall?” shrieked Ben melodramatically. “I am not wearing ANYTHING from Kush’s stall.” Callum was bent double over the kitchen counter, unable to stop laughing. Ben found himself grinning – Callum’s giggles were infectious. “I think you’re trying to make me unattractive – fat, ugly clothes – so that nobody else will fancy me.”

“I think everybody should fancy you. You’re gorgeous,” said Callum, pulling Ben towards him. “And it wouldn’t bother me ‘cause I know you only have eyes for me.”

“I do,” affirmed Ben, reaching up for a kiss … and another. They were so involved in their kissing that they didn’t pay attention to Robbie’s double bark announcing the entrance of somebody he liked.

“Do you two ever stop?” Frankie appeared in the kitchen with Marcus. “You weren’t in the office so we thought we might find you eating lunch … not each other.” She surveyed the food on the counter and picked up the hog roast roll.

“Hmm, nice,” she said, biting through the flaky pastry. “Posh sausage roll.” She noticed Ben’s furrowed brow. “I’m saving your waistline,” she said generously.

They all made their way to the office, a long room that bridged the house and the garage, and sat around the computer station to look at the enquiry forms.

“It’s just before Christmas so guess what?” quizzed Callum.

“No butters,” chorused Frankie and Ben. Butters was short for bread and butters which was what they called cheating partner jobs because such a lot of their income came from this source. Nobody wanted to know their partner was playing away at this time of year but they did want to find lost loved ones and there were four enquiries all looking to connect with somebody before Christmas. Most of this work was achieved through online searching and Ben and Frankie were particularly good at it; they were a great team. Whatever they couldn’t find out, Charlie definitely could, although they tried to use his methods as infrequently as possible. When they knew where a target person could be found, their process was to then introduce themselves and explain who was looking for them. If they wanted to stay lost then that was that. MHI always respected this right, although they were conscious that they had never had a missing child and that might throw up some different considerations. Callum excelled at this conversation so he generally stepped in at this stage. Any client who didn’t like this process was encouraged to try a different private investigator. It was an effective system.

“I have one more case,” said Ben. “Charlie talked to me today about Tracye Hayes. She has agreed that the four of us here can know that her new name is Megan Smith. We can’t share it with anybody else, so we won’t write it anywhere. For our records, we’ll continue to call her Tracye Hayes. She wants to hire us to find information about Julie Golding to help to take her down.” He stopped, taking in the concerned faces around him and understanding the reason for the nerves. “I know what you’re thinkin’, me too. But Charlie wants us to at least meet her, hear what she has to say, so I’ve booked an appointment for me and Callum to meet her tomorrow. If we take on her case, I suspect there’ll be surveillance work after Christmas, Marcus, if you’re available.”

Marcus’ speciality was physical surveillance as he had an uncanny ability to merge with any background. He was relieved there wasn’t any work before Christmas as he was incredibly busy with the arts centre he ran. Christmas was a great time for artists to try to make some money and he was arranging a Christmas market from December 21st to Christmas Eve with all of the resident artists selling their work and various visiting performance artists adding to the proceedings. It was an organisational challenge which Marcus was more than capable of meeting - he just needed time.

“You’re all coming to opening day at the centre?” he checked. “Next Monday.” Callum and Ben assured him that they wouldn’t miss it and, saying good-bye, Marcus left.

Callum got on with some administrative work, leaving mid-afternoon to pick up Roman and Tyler from school, and Ben and Frankie got busy with the lost people. They loved working together either in the office or out in the field. Their relationship was enhanced by their shared experience of hearing loss – Ben’s was partial, Frankie’s was profound - and they used a lot of signing and had elements that were just for them, a kind of private language. Unfailingly in tune with each other, bickering and teasing relentlessly, they were like siblings. Their usual process with locating lost loved ones was to race at the same time as bouncing off each other for ideas.

“I’ve got him,” announced Frankie, referring to their first target.

“Okay, smartypants, tell me how,” sulked Ben, disgruntled but still determined to learn. Frankie ran through her process which had used tracking his employment as a starting point. “So why use his job?” questioned Ben.

“He looks like work is his main thing,” shrugged Frankie. Ben stared at the photograph and had to admit she was right. Frankie was enormously judgemental but her instincts about people were rarely off the mark. She also beat Ben to the second and third targets.

“Okay, I’ve had enough of being useless. Time to call it a day,” ruled Ben. He could hear the children playing in the snow in the garden with Callum and wanted to join in. “You back in tomorrow? Callum and me, we’re going to meet Megan first thing, so eleven okay?” Frankie nodded, and putting on her coat, grinned at Ben.

“Come on then, get your coat on if we’re building snowmen.” There was a door leading straight into the garden from the back of the office and Frankie exited that way, laughing at Ben over her shoulder. Callum and the children saw Ben and Frankie coming into the garden as they had expected and they fired a volley of pre-prepared snowballs, their salvo a clear declaration of war. It took the defendants a matter of seconds to mount their offensive, and soon there was a full-scale snowball fight.

Ben lived for evenings like this. They had played and laughed together, eaten well together and everybody was happy and tired. He firmly believed that life’s obstacles were as important as life’s rewards in developing a well-rounded character but when life was as good as this he was going to relish it. He snuggled up to Callum that night in their bed enjoying the familiarity and the warmth of him.

Callum absorbed Ben’s enjoyment of their life, an intoxicating blend of love and pleasure, breathing in the smell of him and appreciating the feel of his body up close. Nothing more than this proximity was required for him to savour the love between them. It was a beautiful thing and they drifted happily into sleep.

**TUESDAY 15.12**

The next morning brought a fresh round of niggles from Lexi, this time about Christmas cards. She had made her own but had not made enough, there were no spares in the house, and it was a Disaster. Ben escaped by taking Roman and Tyler to school, leaving Callum to deal with the unhappy twelve year old.

“If you drive me, we can stop for cards,” she wheedled. Callum had a better idea.

“Send a message to Frankie to send you some photos, you can print them off tonight, stick them on card and give them out tomorrow.” Lexi brightened immediately.

“Excellent idea, Daddy, but you still have to drive me ‘cause I’m a bit late.” She had Callum wrapped round her finger by calling him Daddy. He was well aware that, for Ben, she usually used Dad and Daddy was used when she wanted something; her calling Callum Daddy was a new thing, probably brought about by Roman and Tyler starting to use that name for him and Ben, but maybe, Callum hoped, it was how she saw him. The adoption was to be finalised in the new year but he and Lexi had been like father and daughter almost as long as he had known her.

Children safely delivered to school, Callum and Ben set off to meet Megan. The location of the meeting had been arranged for a country park about half an hour away that Callum and Ben knew well as it was somewhere they liked to go with the children and Robbie. It was a good choice, they thought, as there were no cameras and it had a few areas that were rarely frequented by the public, one of which they headed for after parking their car. Megan was from East London originally so this was not likely to have been somewhere she visited during her childhood although it was possible – there was a tube station only two miles away. They wondered how she knew the place.

Reaching the far end of the park, they were a little surprised to have not encountered Megan. She hadn’t wanted to specify a place, instead advising them where to walk and insisting she would find them.

“She’s got to be following us,” deduced Ben. “Let’s stop.” He wrapped his arms around his husband’s waist. “It’s beautiful out here in the snow. I was out in the forest yesterday and it was the same. Peaceful. We need to gather our strength because as soon as the kids finish school on Friday, we descend into non-stop craziness.”

“I’m looking forward to it,” murmured Callum, brushing his lips against Ben’s forehead. “I like it when it’s busy. And I love Christmas. She’s standing about fifty metres away directly to your left.”

“Yep, seen her,” affirmed Ben, kissing Callum gently on the neck. They turned simultaneously to face a short and slender young woman dressed in light grey jeans, grey snow boots, a white snow jacket and a light grey knitted hat that seemingly covered all of her hair. Camouflage. She stepped back slightly at their sudden stare.

“Megan?” called Callum as she walked forward towards them. “I’m Callum. This is Ben.” Callum introduced them as she drew close.

“Hi,” she said, “Megan.” There was no preamble as, after a few seconds of staring at the floor, she launched straight into what she wanted to say without even looking at them. “I have been trying to find out about Sam Turner but I think she has a new identity, I don’t know what she is called and I can’t find her without hacking Charlie’s system which I don’t want to do. Charlie won’t tell me her new name … I get it, that’s fine … but he says you know and I can hire you.”

“Why don’t you just leave her alone and live your life?” asked Ben, still privately hoping that this case might disappear.

“I am really good at what I do, and I have picked up that someone is searching for me. It’s got to be her. It’s not Jackie Highway, I know that psycho bitch is inside … no offence …” she nodded at Callum, showing that she knew he was Jackie’s son, “so it’s Sam. I want her disabled like Jackie. Then I can get on and live my life.”

“You’re really good at what you do,” repeated Callum. “What do you do?”

“I’m a hacker,” stated Megan.

“And officially?” asked Callum patiently.

“IT services. Fix people’s shit.”

“Okay, Megan, here’s our problem,” said Callum patiently. “Sam is known to the police as part of a current operation. We are good friends with the DI leading the investigation and we want to be able to share information with her. However, she doesn’t know about Charlie or our relationship with Charlie and we mean to keep it that way. We are wondering if that’s going to be possible if we agree to take on your case.”

“Charlie thinks it is,” said Megan obstinately. Ben and Callum didn’t need to discuss it - they were going to work for Megan but they wanted to establish some clear rules for their relationship. For them, Julie Golding, formerly Sam Turner, was a loose end from their investigation into Callum’s mum, Jackie, and her sex trafficking operation. There was also the matter of her surveillance of Phil Mitchell, Ben’s dad; they had never got to the bottom of how she had achieved that. In addition, their ongoing surveillance of Julie and Megan was time-consuming and costly so, from a business point of view, it was a good decision to take this case.

“Do you live near here?” asked Ben, his tone agreeable and friendly, his intent to get a fix on Megan.

“I know you come here,” she said, not answering the question.

“How do you know that?” questioned Ben, making a mental note to review their security. Megan didn’t bother answering but he was not prepared to play her game. “This is not going to work if we can’t trust you,” he declared. “We’re minded to take on this job but it is dangerous. Most of our work is not dangerous and we prefer it that way because, as I’m sure you’ve found out, we have three children. So, if we’re going to do stuff that carries greater risks, we need to have some trust with the people who are supposedly on the same side as us.”

“Can tell you’re a dad from that lecture,” bitched Megan. Ben and Callum merely watched her, waiting for her to agree to their terms. “Okay, trust,” she confirmed.

“So how do you know where we walk our dog?” Ben repeated his question.

“Old school. I followed you.” Callum and Ben followed people for a living yet hadn’t realised they themselves had been followed. It was a worrying revelation.

“Where do you live and work Megan?” asked Callum.

“Why d’ya need to know that?” She presented a force field around her that they were struggling to pierce and her defensive and prickly act was becoming tiresome.

“If you tell us, it demonstrates that you trust us,” he reasoned. She pouted and scowled, although it appeared to be more at the thought of sharing than at them.

“I live in a flat … used to be an office … above a card shop. My office is one of the rooms.” She named a suburb not far from Ben’s and Callum’s house.

“Do you want Sam to find you?” exclaimed Ben. “Why haven’t you moved away?” Megan’s eyes flashed angrily.

“Why should I?” she snapped. Callum touched her arm encouraging her to meet his eyes.

“I get it,” he said gently, “I was the same with my mum. You’re right. Why should you?” Although she refused the eye contact, it was clear that Megan believed him as she relaxed slightly. “We’ll see what we can do, Megan.”

“I don’t look the same,” she said turning to Ben. “You must have seen a picture of me from before.” Casting his mind back, he remembered then a girl with bold make-up, heavy black eye-liner and facial piercings. Her hair had been dark, long and curly which was indeed a contrast with the extremely blonde boy cut that she had now. Her look now was pale and ethereal as though she might fade and disappear like a ghost.

“That’s true,” he agreed. “Sorry for snapping. It’s just Charlie and me have spent a lot of time covering your tracks so Sam doesn’t find you.”

“Yeah … thanks,” she mumbled, plainly frustrated that she had needed the help.

As they walked back to the car park, they asked her lots of questions and she told them a bit more about her background, her many siblings and her parents who had given up trying to cope, the poverty, the charity, the lack of dignity. She talked about her love of schoolwork, especially maths and computing, but how it had been almost impossible to succeed. There had been a diagnosis for an autistic spectrum disorder which sounded like it had been badly handled; rather than enabling Megan to feel accepted, it seemed that school had marked her out as different (Megan: “different bad rather than different good”) which had been isolating. It sounded like she was still lost, not getting out much more than Charlie who seemed to be her only friend. Callum and Ben saw somebody whose self-confidence and self-esteem were on the floor but who was still fighting to survive. She needed some allies. Callum and Ben had a habit of picking up strays along the way and they could see that Megan was to be their latest charge.

Back at the office, Callum set about drawing up a plan for Megan’s case and Ben and Frankie carried on with the last lost loved one. Ben was the winner this time and he wondered if all he needed to be the sharpest was lots of outdoor exercise and a good night’s sleep.

“Last one,” said Frankie, adding details to her tablet. It had taken less than a day to locate all four of their targets.

“How good are we?” boasted Ben, pulling an exaggerated proud face to go with his signing. Frankie mimicked his expression and they laughed loudly at each other. Callum looked up and shook his head at them fondly. “If we get going, we might get them all visited by the end of the day,” said Ben. “You good to pick up Roman and Tyler, Callum?”

“Can you also let Charlie know we don’t need him to find any of the targets this time?” added Frankie knowing Callum was going to be speaking to him. Callum agreed to both requests and ten minutes later, Frankie and Ben were in the car. Not being face-to-face and not being able to sign made chatting impossible, so Frankie flicked through her phone and Ben sang along to tunes.

Their first target was a dad who had not seen his children in thirty years, mainly because he had restarted after leaving them and now had grown up children and grandchildren in his new life. Ben and Frankie were experienced at these conversations and refused his invitation to come in.

“You might prefer to talk to us in private,” Ben suggested. Quickly picking up on their serious faces, he stepped into the porch, pulling the front door closed behind him. They explained about their search. “We completely respect your right to stay hidden,” explained Ben, “but sometimes it can be helpful for our clients to have a video message from you saying that. We will show it to them and will then delete it. We won’t give them a copy and we don’t keep a copy.”

“What am I supposed to say?” The man was pale and panicked.

“Keep it short. _I’m sorry this is not what you wanted but I don’t wish to make contact with you. I would ask that you don’t try to contact me_ ,” Ben recited from memory. His real reason for the video was that clients often wouldn’t pay without proof that the work had been done, but he wasn’t going to explain that to this sad fucker. They recorded the message and left.

The second and third targets were very similar which was no surprise to Frankie and Ben who were very used to these stories. They had saved the most interesting case until last as there was a possibility that this target might consider the reconciliation. From their snooping, they knew that their target, a man called Noah, worked in a restaurant in Canary Wharf and they decided to find him there before his shift, settling themselves on a bench/art installation to wait.

“Here he is,” said Frankie after a few minutes, beginning to stand then stopping dead as she spotted his companion. “Oh shit! Ben, look who he’s with.”

Ben’s eyes focused on Noah’s companion.

“Simon, hello,” he smiled, standing up as the two men approached. The man with Noah was Callum’s ex. “You look great.” Ben wasn’t lying – Simon was the most handsome man he had ever met and he and Callum had been an extremely beautiful couple. Noah looked between them, recognising that they knew each other, while Simon was very ill at ease.

“Hello Ben, Frankie,” he said nervously, wondering if they were still in touch with Callum. It was coming up for three years since his split from Callum and he was still heartbroken. Noah was his latest boyfriend and he was lovely … but he wasn’t Callum. “What are you up to?” he asked, aiming for a neutral question. Noah seemed to pick up that something was amiss and stepped in.

“Listen, it’s freezing out here and it seems like you three need to talk. I run this place,” he waved an arm at the restaurant, “so let’s get a drink.” It was unexpected but Ben and Frankie found themselves sitting down with Simon and Noah for a coffee.

“We’re actually here to talk to you Noah,” Ben said as Noah looked surprised. “It’s just a coincidence that we know Simon. We’re here because your parents hired our company to look for you.” Knowing something of his history, Simon glanced worriedly at Noah.

“Who do you work for?” asked Noah. Simon switched his anxious stare to Ben.

“Mitchell Highway Investigations,” answered Ben.

“You’re business partners now?” questioned Simon, taken aback by the news. He turned to Noah to explain. “Ben’s the Mitchell. Callum is the Highway,” he said. Noah’s smile dropped and Ben realised then that these two had talked about Callum and, from the impression Ben was getting, the conversation had been about a love that had run deep.

“They’re both Mitchell-Highway now,” interjected Frankie, earning a jab from Ben. He had been aiming to leave Callum out of the conversation as much as possible to save Simon’s feelings; Simon might be holding a torch for Callum but it was not reciprocated, of that Ben was certain. Frankie shot him a defiant look. She wasn’t about to make allowances for Simon’s sensitivities. Simon just looked confused.

“We married last summer,” Ben told him, experiencing a stab of sympathy as Simon’s face fell. He didn’t understand why he felt like he needed to be careful of Simon’s and Noah’s feelings - maybe the Christmas spirit was getting to him - but he was inclined to be kind. Callum and Simon had not split up over him. Okay, maybe a bit over him. Simon was patently shocked at the news and Noah was even more upset as he saw his boyfriend’s devastated reaction. Ben wanted to stop talking about Callum and brought the subject back to Noah’s parents.

“We’re here to talk to Noah about his parents.” He looked directly at Noah. “It’s our policy to protect the whereabouts of our targets if they want that. We’re not going to tell your parents where to find you unless you ask us to and, usually, we encourage you to make contact yourself.”

“Targets?” Noah seemed like he was having to try hard to process what he was being told.

“Just a word,” shrugged Frankie.

“I haven’t spoken to my parents since I was sixteen when I came out. They made me pack a bag and threw me out. That was fourteen years ago so … I don’t know about seeing them again. What’s changed?” Noah was beginning to become distressed and Ben was feeling sorry for having ruined his day. Noah had been happily strolling along, holding hands with his boyfriend, less than an hour ago and now Simon looked wretched and Noah looked distraught.

“Do you want us to follow up with them?” asked Ben. “Callum,” he saw Noah falter as he heard the name, “Callum is really good at tricky conversations and finding out what people really mean, what they really think.” He saw Frankie lean forward and touch Noah’s arm.

“Or just go to see them,” she suggested. Frankie was excellent at reading people and she had a caught a look of something from Noah about his parents. “If you want to give them a second chance,” she added, giving him a way out.

“Yeah, maybe,” he mumbled, before forcing a smile and carrying on in a brighter tone. “Anyway, I’ve got to get to work but, please, stay and catch up with Si. I will think about it all and get in touch with you. Or them.” Noah walked away with heavy steps and slumped shoulders.

“Why would you do that to Noah, Simon?” asked Frankie confrontationally when Noah was out of sight. Simon looked baffled so she spelled out her message in words of one syllable. “Make it clear that you still love your ex.” Simon paled and Ben stopped breathing for a second.

“Cal and I … it was … you’re right. I’m a dick,” confessed Simon shamefaced. “But I did really love Cal. It was special.”

“Well, you need to get over it because he’s married to Ben and they have three children,” said Frankie belligerently. Ben sighed inside at her brutality.

“Three children?” Simon was incredulous. He peered at Ben questioningly. “You only married in the summer. Have you adopted? Cal always wanted to go down the surrogacy route. Have you already done that?” Ben could have cheerfully throttled Frankie to stop her from talking right now as he was forced to explain.

“One is my biological daughter, Lexi. She’s twelve. We are in the process of Callum adopting her. And we have already adopted Callum’s twin nephews. They’re eight.”

“You live in the house?” Simon had loved living there. In his dream of him, Callum and their children, they lived happily ever after in that house.

“Yeah, the five of us … and our dog.”

“You were always good together,” said Simon begrudgingly. Ben nodded, accepting the positive comment and recognising that Simon hadn’t needed to say anything. He wanted to give Simon a way to let go of Callum but couldn’t think how to do it. Frankie was blunt.

“They are perfect together,” she declared.

“I know,” said Simon sadly.

After meeting Callum and Ben, Megan had set about shadowing them again, and found herself in Canary Wharf watching Ben and a small woman she assumed to be Frankie (from Charlie’s description) meeting two men. Used to relying on herself and finding it hard to be confident that MHI would work on her behalf, she was outside watching the scene. One of the men was like a model and, from his reactions and theirs, knew Ben and Frankie. The other man was also good-looking with medium length dark curly hair and warm, brown eyes. She caught his voice as he suggested that they go in the restaurant and noticed that he spoke with a northern accent. Whatever had been said in there had upset him and as he left the other three to carry on talking, she saw him round a corner and slump against a wall, wiping away tears.

Ben and Frankie left shortly afterwards and took a meandering route back to the car, almost as though they were taking in the sights. Megan hated Docklands. She was from near here and yet it was a different world; none of the people from her part of East London were visible in this part. This place was full of happy, shiny people with loud, guffawing laughs or simpering giggles, impeccably groomed and expensively outfitted, foolish enough to pay the exorbitant prices charged for drinking and eating here. She was surprised to see Ben and Frankie appearing to find it interesting. And then she realised … they were leading her on a dance. She held up her hands in surrender as Ben and Frankie turned and walked back towards her.

“Okay, you got me,” she said to Frankie. “You didn’t,” she said to Ben. That was fair. It was Frankie who had noticed Megan much earlier in the day when they had visited their first target.

“Why, Megan?” asked Ben. Frankie touched his arm and signed,

“She’s a loner. Doesn’t trust you.”

“I do,” responded Megan. Ben and Frankie stared at her. “I learn things,” said Megan by way of explanation. “But you’re partly right. I usually have full control and … I like it that way. So I … I … okay, I’ll stop. Leave you to it.” She turned on her heel and walked away. Ben impetuously decided he was going to draw her into their circle.

“Megan,” he called. She stopped and turned. “Come back with us. We’ll show you how we work.”

Ben felt like a taxi driver on the way back as Megan and Frankie sat in the back chatting away. He couldn’t watch as he had to concentrate on the road so he couldn’t follow the conversation; he was finding it all very irritating. By the time they arrived back at the house, Frankie had decided she liked Megan which was quite an accolade as Frankie was hard to please.

“I can see you want to help and we would ask you to help us,” said Ben to Megan, “except that we’ve got to keep Sam Turner’s new identity confidential. So you can’t help us. You get it, yeah?” Megan nodded. “But,” continued Ben. “You’re great at surveillance, on the computer, on the streets. Would you consider working for us now and then? On other projects? If we can put some work your way?” Megan was usually surly but at Ben’s offer she smiled, a beautiful smile that conveyed genuine pleasure. Ben took that as a yes.


	2. Visits

**WEDNESDAY 16.12**

Callum had finally persuaded his brother Stuart to come with him to visit their mum. Jackie had been sent down eighteen months ago and this was to be Stuart’s first visit; Callum had been every month she’d been inside. At first, the visits had been about filling in the gaps of his childhood as he’d had lots of questions, not that Jackie had cared to answer them, but, as time had gone on, he found himself wanting to find out more about his mum and he was considering if he wanted to think of himself as having a relationship with her. He was honest enough with himself to recognise that hoping for this was consistent with who he was but entirely inconsistent with what he knew about Jackie.

Sitting on the train, Stuart was fidgeting.

“Sit still Stu,” moaned Callum, then worried he was not being sympathetic enough. “Are you nervous?”

“Yeah! But not just about seein’ mum.” He looked at Callum, his eyes bright with excitement. “I’m gonna ask Whit to marry me, bruv. What d’ya think?” He didn’t wait for an answer. “We both want kids and we’ve already decided if it ‘appens, it ‘appens. That’d be somethin’, don’t ya think? Me with a baby, babies even. An’ I think it would be good to do it proper like and get wed. I reckon Whit’d like that.”

“Sounds great Stu,” said Callum. “I’m happy for you.” In truth, he wasn’t sure how he felt. He and Whitney had once talked about marriage themselves before Callum broke it off with her after finally accepting he was gay. After a short period of being extremely angry with him, she had become one of his closest friends but now she would have confidences with Stuart that would be kept from him; she would be closer to Stuart than to him and that felt weird. He had been surprised but pleased when they had told him they were seeing each other and believed they were a good match but marriage and children definitely meant that his relationship with Whitney would be different.

“Well, you don’t sound that ‘appy,” grumbled Stuart and Callum felt instantly guilty.

“I’m sorry if that sounded wrong Stu. I AM happy for you.” He put an arm around his brother, squeezing his muscly shoulders. “What’s this then? You been working out?” Stuart looked very pleased with himself.

“That fine figure of yours is genetic it turns out,” he laughed, jabbing Callum in the ribs. Stuart was looking very trim and his thinner face showed off his big, dark blue eyes and his strong nose, so like Callum’s. Callum was a couple of inches taller and had strong, thick hair where Stuart was completely bald, but they were similarly built and were enough alike facially for it to be easy to see they were brothers. Stuarts unkempt appearance pre-Whitney had been replaced by a more groomed and fashionable version.

“You are looking good, Stu. Whit’s dress sense is helping you out,” Callum teased. Stuart took it as a compliment; he was feeling good about himself.

The prison was out on the south-western outskirts of London, unnatural territory for the Highway boys whose London did not extend west of Westminster and certainly not south of the river.

Jackie’s face was a picture when she walked into the visitors’ room. She hadn’t been expecting Stuart and almost didn’t recognise him. Her two handsome boys turned heads - she was immediately aware of that – and, ever narcissistic, she basked in the admiration. Callum, as always, was as cool as a cucumber, reclined in his seat, not looking around. Stuart was more twitchy, turning his head this way and that.

“Well, ain’t I the lucky one today?” she smirked.

“Hello mum,” smiled Callum. Stuart looked at him in shock. He hadn’t expected a friendly greeting but he followed suit.

“Yeah, ‘ello mum,” he muttered, not quite being able to manage a smile.

“We brought you a Christmas present,” said Callum, sliding over an open packet. “Not allowed to gift wrap it. Sorry.” Even though he wasn’t. Jackie stared at the small, flat packet, not touching it. She was wrongfooted by this turn of events. She had never received a present from her boys and had never given them one. What was the point? Christmas was for mugs. But Callum was always pushing her, making her do things she hadn’t chosen to do, making her say things she hadn't chosen to say. It was keeping her alive.

“What’s that then?” she said, nodding at the packet on the table.

“Take it. Don’t take it.” Callum wasn’t bothered. There would be other Christmases. Stuart watched the to and fro warily. Obviously, Jackie couldn’t kick off here so he wasn’t scared but whilst he wasn’t sure what Callum was trying to achieve, it seemed as though their mum did understand what was going on. She reached for the packet and shook out the contents. Photographs. Callum and Stuart both spotted the flicker of interest as she looked up at them.

“Okay, boys, I’ll play happy families. Who ‘ave we got ‘ere?” Two of the photographs were face up and Callum pushed them towards her.

“Me and Ben on our wedding day. This one is Lexi. She’s Ben’s biological daughter and I’m adopting her. Should go through soon. She’s twelve.”

Jackie knew all about Ben’s daughter – not that she would tell Callum that - but, apart from a distant glimpse across a car park, she had not seen her.

“He had ‘er young,” she observed. Callum nodded in agreement, flipping over another photograph.

“This is Lexi with Roman and Tyler. Ben and me have adopted them now. Here’s one of Roman and one of Tyler.”

“How d’ya tell ‘em apart?” These boys were her only grandchildren by blood and she was definitely interested in them.

“Ty’s cheeky, got a glint in his eyes,” explained Stuart. “Ro is more serious, in his own head more.” He stared at Jackie. “Look like us, don’t they? … Look like you.” Callum and Stuart watched Jackie, noticing the slightest hint of softening before she put her mask back on.

“And this,” said Callum, turning another photo, “is Stu and Whit, Whitney.” Jackie scrutinised this one.

“Well, Stu, you’re punchin’, aren’t ya? What’s she do, your Whit?”

“She has a stall, designs all ‘er own stuff,” Stu told her proudly and, before he could stop himself, his dreams came tumbling out. “We’re hopin’ to have a family. An’ I’m gonna ask ‘er to marry me.”

“You gonna be able to look after a family? What you doing nowadays?” Jackie seemed genuinely curious but also doubtful. It was interesting for Callum to observe. For a year, she had maintained a disinterest in life outside but over the past few months there had been questions about his work although she avoided questions about family which was why Callum decided on this particular challenge.

“Paintin’ an’ decoratin’. Got a good rep. Booked up until Easter.” Stuart was surprised at himself. Did he want to impress his mum? Jackie cruelly ignored him and picked up a picture of Callum, Ben, Lexi, Tyler, Roman and Robbie. Stuart had some way to go to make his mark but she was proud to her core of Callum and it was a real effort to fake indifference.

“Call that a dog?” she snarked. Callum and Stuart giggled. They had predicted that she would make this comment. Dogs in Jackie’s world were fighting animals: Staffies, German Shepherds, Dobermans.

“He’s a cockerpoo and the most perfect little fella,” gushed Callum. “Robbie.”

“Yeah, right.” Jackie was plainly unconvinced and couldn’t work out what they were finding so funny. “Okay, I give in, what’s the joke?” she snapped.

“You,” taunted Callum. “You’re like a cliché of a gangster. Got to have a hard dog.” Stuart snorted and they both burst out laughing. Jackie scowled.

“I don’t know why I’m sitting ‘ere ‘avin’ you laugh at me,” she grumbled, aware that her fellow inmates were as interested in her visitors as their own and she had a reputation to maintain. She didn’t want anyone thinking she could be an object of ridicule.

“You could laugh with us,” suggested Callum.

“You need to be more amusin’ then,” she retorted, although she smiled and shook her head in her best impression of fond exasperation. Anybody watching might think they were sharing a joke. Callum was leaning back examining her reactions and she knew that he could see her desire to know more. She also knew that he wouldn’t tell her until she asked. Well, she was prepared to wait a while. Scooping up the photos, she put them back in the packet. They carried on talking as Callum had questions about Julie Golding and wanted to pick Jackie’s brains but when it came to the end of the visit, the packet stayed on the table and Callum thought she was going to leave it. At the very last moment, she turned and grabbed it, making no eye contact, and stalked away.

“One day, I’m going to hug her,” vowed Callum. “Another day, she might even hug me back.”

“Don’t ‘old yer breath, bruv,” warned Stuart. “I don’t know why you bovver.”

“’Cause I’m not her.”

**SATURDAY 19.12**

At the end of the week, Callum arranged to walk Robbie with Steve. As their boots crunched on the snow, somewhere underneath the ice one of the tiny forest streams gurgled softly and there was the faintest hum far away of the ever-present road noise. The forest was eerily quiet, the blanket of snow muffling all sounds. They were well away from the sledging hills and there was no-one else around.

“I’ve never been out here when it’s snowed,” remarked Steve. “I’m glad to have seen it. They reckon it will be all gone by Christmas Day.” He could see that Callum wanted to talk but was happy for him to speak when he was ready. Robbie was a joy, as always. Callum and he had spoken often about the ability of dogs to exist in the moment - they were masters of mindfulness. “Robbie’s loving it,” he commented.

“Yeah,” said Callum, distracted by the difficult topic he wanted to discuss. Steve placed a reassuring hand on his back. It was enough to kickstart him and he explained his problem exactly as he’d explained it to Ben almost a week earlier, finishing,

“Me and Ben, we’re great - I still can’t believe how lucky I got. Our kids are happy and doing really well. Our home is full of love and it’s beautiful. There’s nothing to worry about. What’s wrong with me?”

“Nothing, mate,” stated Steve with great certainty. “You’re an excellent human being.” He laughed at Callum’s bashfulness receiving the compliment. “So,” he said, giving Callum an open question to ponder, “you feel like life’s moving faster than you are and that sometimes you have a sense that you’re in somebody else’s life. If you could have written the script for your life, say from twenty-five to forty, what would have been happening?”

Callum thought for a few minutes. Steve walked companionably beside him enjoying the winter scenery and the happy dog. He’d never told anybody, but, aside from Amanda, Callum was his favourite person of everyone he knew. He admired the younger man greatly for accepting his troubled past and being determined to rise stronger from the experiences; for his honesty and the simple way he spoke his truths; for his humility and his consideration of others; for his ability to find joy and love. Plus Callum was funny and they had a lot of laughs together. As well as hardship, Callum had also had good fortune in life and Steve believed he deserved every bit of it.

“I went backwards and forwards for years before I accepted I’m gay.” Callum started his story, still half in his own head. “I wish I’d sorted that out before I was twenty-five. Ben had it sorted by the time he was twenty. I was twenty-seven.”

“Eight years ago for him, six years for you …” Steve trailed off seeing Callum nodding.

“I know. Not that different. We’ve been out about the same time and we’ve been about a bit both of us, well, Ben a bit more than me I suppose - I was always looking for ‘the one’. It was my dream to be married, have kids, with a family life that was everything my childhood wasn’t. Twenty-five to forty? Maybe I might have met my person by the time I was thirty, perhaps earlier, then we’d become parents.”

“You wanted babies?” Steve asked the right question.

“Yeah, I love babies,” admitted Callum, the disclosure surprising him with how much he felt its truth. He recognised that he needed to think about this more. “When I was with Simon, a couple of boyfriends before Ben, we talked about surrogacy, having our own biological children. I guess that’s how I thought I might have children. I’d love to have a baby. But it’s not a conversation I’ll ever have with Ben ‘cause we have our instant family.” He kicked at the snow in frustration, not wanting it to sound like he was unhappy with the situation. “My dream of meeting the love of my life, having a family, it has come true … just in a different way to what I’d imagined.”

“Was it Ben’s dream as well?” questioned Steve. He knew Callum’s and Ben’s history and he had always been curious about Ben’s pragmatism. There’s no point moaning about it, Ben would say, you just do what needs to be done. Steve was also aware that Ben had a self-destructive streak that he worked hard to manage - he was a layered and complex character – and that before meeting Callum he had written off his chances of finding happiness. But dreams are tenacious and not at all easy to destroy, and Steve suspected Ben’s dream was the same as Callum’s.

“Ben’s journey was a bit different. He met somebody he wanted to spend his life with when he was twenty but he - Paul - was killed in a homophobic attack; then, Lola left and Lexi came to Ben and he became super-dad. As well as king of the hook-up.” Callum smiled wryly.

“You wanted to settle down,” summed up Steve, “but it sounds like maybe that wasn’t what Ben was looking for at the time?”

“True,” agreed Callum. “But hook-ups were there to numb the pain for Ben after Paul. With me and him there was a crazy spark and once we stopped trying to put it out, we were on fire!” He laughed at his analogy. “Ben and me fit together. Ben came with Lexi, I never knew Ben without her, so it was Ben, me and Lexi. It was perfect.” He stalled, his face giving away that he was appalled at what he had just said. Steve stopped and put a hand on his shoulder.

“Why is that so bad?” he asked simply, concerned to see Callum’s colour rise, his agitation clearly growing.

“It makes it sound like I see the boys as a problem,” he whispered, aware of the tightening in his chest. “I don’t, honestly I don’t. I love them with my whole heart. Thing is, it happened so quickly and I’m not a quick thinker, I take my time and think things through, but if I’d had time, I would still be where I am now. With them.” His expression pleaded with Steve to believe him, then his face flushed deep red and, without warning, he dropped onto his haunches, knuckles on the wet floor, dropping his head to focus on his breathing. Robbie was immediately by his side, head pushed on his knee. Steve crouched down as well.

“Callum, mate,” he soothed, touching him tentatively, then, when Callum didn’t recoil, rubbing a hand along his shoulder blade. Callum was battling to hold himself together. The constricting pain was strong but he reminded himself that he knew what it was and it would pass. Tears fell freely down his face - he was oblivious to them – and, unable to sustain the squatting position, he fell onto his knees against Steve who put his arms around him and spoke quietly, talking him through his breathing, the instructions repeated like a mantra, comforting and helping him to keep thinking that it would soon be over. The icy wetness seeped through his trousers as he knelt on the ground gripping onto his friend and he stayed there for several minutes, getting wetter and colder and not feeling it. As he started to recover, he tried to stand and Steve helped him up.

“I’m sorry …” began Callum but Steve silenced him with a hug.

“Don’t be. We all need to get stuff out sometimes. You can say anything to me. I’m here for you, mate.” As they began walking again, Robbie kept pace with Callum, nudging his calf every now and then to remind him that he was there, and Steve stayed close on the other side. Eventually, Callum spoke again.

“I have a lot of mixed up feelings about Roman and Tyler,” he confessed. “To start with, I feel like I took them from Stuart. He’s known them their whole lives and I’ve only known them for eighteen months. When they came to me, I’d known them just a few weeks. I waltzed in with my perfect family, lovely house, good business and took them away from him.”

“Why didn’t they go to Stuart?” asked Steve, already knowing the answer but wanting to help Callum think things through.

“He was living with a woman, Rainie, and what he really wanted was for him and her to be a happy family with the boys.” Callum still felt some sadness that Stuart’s dream had been unfulfilled. “I wanted to help him and Rainie, I tried to help them, but it was never going to happen - she didn’t want kids. Worse, she was not a good person.”

“So did you and Stuart argue over who was to have the boys?” questioned Steve.

“No, Stu thought they should come to me and Ben. He wouldn’t budge on it. He didn’t want to do it by himself and he didn’t want to leave Rainie. He eventually spilt up with her but not over the boys.” Callum was suddenly struck by the truth of what he had just said: Stuart had been prepared to give up the boys to keep Rainie. It was a disturbing recollection. However, even though Stuart hadn’t wanted to look after the boys back then, Callum wondered if he had since changed his mind. “I don’t think he wanted us to adopt them,” he said.

“What did he say about that?” wondered Steve, being very familiar with the human habit of inventing internal narratives that aren’t based on facts and thinking it was possible that was happening here. Callum thought back to the conversations with Stuart, remembering his brother’s bewilderment.

“He couldn’t see why we needed to change things when they were going well. He wanted to know what would be different from us being kinship carers. We explained that it would give us parental rights but mainly that we wanted them to have parents, to know what that was like. He said,” Callum stopped, surprised at the memory, “he said it was an amazing thing for us to do.” He stared at Steve, confused now about why he had thought Stuart was unhappy about the adoption; he was now even more determined to be honest with himself and force out his inner thoughts. “Maybe it’s not about Stuart. Maybe it’s about me. I do feel guilty that - and I’ve never said this to anyone, not even Ben - that maybe I thought I was a better choice than Stuart. I mean, I’m not sure I thought that but maybe I did and it would have been unfair to think like that if I had.” He stopped, aware that he was rambling and not making sense, and tried again to be coherent. “Did I think that? Even though Roman and Tyler obviously loved him and didn’t know me. Even though I said that I wanted love to be at the heart of all the decisions we made about them. At that time, there was no way I loved them more than Stuart did. I’m a hypocrite.”

“You said you tried to help him to have them.” Steve repeated Callum’s words back to him.

“I did. I thought staying with Stuart offered them stability, familiarity. It wasn’t that I didn’t want them although, if I’m honest, I didn’t think about it much because I didn’t think they were coming to me. I wanted them to have as much love around them as possible and I thought that would come from Stuart because he had a relationship with them.” Callum closed his eyes for a few seconds, understanding that he was contradicting himself and trying to marshal his thoughts into some kind of meaningful sequence. “Stuart didn’t want them. I wanted Stuart to have them. It was like nobody wanted them. I hope they didn’t realise - that would be terrible,” he whispered, almost choking on the words. “And now, I know,” he stopped himself, realising that he was playing author again, “I don’t know … I wonder if he would want them now ‘cause he is desperate to be a dad.”

“Is that what he’s said?” Steve nudged Callum along, getting him to think about what he knew for certain.

“No, he hasn’t said he wants to be a dad to the boys,” admitted Callum. “He wants to have a baby of his own. He talks about it a lot.” He looked across at Steve with a sad smile. “You know something, Steve, we’re a crazy fucked up family - my ex Whitney moved in with Stuart a few weeks ago. They’ve been seeing each other since our wedding. Whitney’s a year younger than me and I know she really wants to have a baby. She feels like she’s a good age. So I can see it happenin’ for them both.” Callum was not used to feeling envious but he had an uncomfortable thought that maybe he was jealous that Stuart might have a baby.

“Mate,” said Steve, “feel free to disagree because you understand your situation more than I do, but let me try to give you some facts. One, you can’t change that you didn’t know the boys before eighteen months ago so wishing you’d got more history with them is a non-starter. Two, you stepped up and took in two special little fellas because they were your nephews, they needed a home and you knew you would love them and that Ben would love them and what have you done? You have loved them … a lot. Three, at that time, Stuart did not want them to live with him; he might, or might not, regret that now but only he was in control of his decision, it was nothing to do with you, you were happy to support him to have them.”

Callum looked at his friend gratefully. His thoughts were still muddled but he knew now he had to have a proper conversation with Stuart. As ever, he wanted to share all of this with Ben, but Steve had helped him enormously. He pulled him in for a big bear hug, a speciality of Callum’s with his long limbs, his height and his warmth.

“You’re an angel,” he said, smiling at Steve as he pulled away. “I’m sorry if you’re a bit of a wet angel, with all the kneeling in the snow, but I really do appreciate you.” Steve was touched by Callum’s gratitude and was honoured that he had been chosen as a good enough friend to provide the listening ear. He had some things of his own that he wanted to air and decided that he would find some time in the new year for Callum to return the favour.

+++

While Callum was out with Steve and Robbie, Ben had taken the children to his mum’s café to try her Christmas special hot chocolates. Kathy had set up the café with sparkly gold tablecloths and a Christmas centrepiece on each table and there was a special table for them with a Santa and sleigh table decoration, the sleigh loaded with Christmas cookies: stars and angels and holly leaves, each decorated with icing in thin threads of white, silver and green.

“Ooh, Callum would like that icing,” enthused Lexi, taking a photo with her phone and instantly sending it to him. Tyler and Roman were very envious of Lexi’s phone. They wanted to send messages to Callum but they weren’t allowed to have phones until they were eleven. Lots of their friends at school already had phones but Callum and Ben had decided and Roman and Tyler didn’t want to argue with them about it.

“Can I send him a photo?” asked Tyler, hand held out for Lexi’s phone which she handed over reluctantly after Ben gave her a look. His photo was a selfie of him cramming his mouth with two cookies at once, cheeky eyes glinting with glee. Roman held out his hand to take a turn and they all watched fascinated as he took his time setting up his shot. He had recently got Frankie to explain how to get a great picture and was keen on his art. His photo was of the hot chocolate but he wanted the setting to be perfect, so he rearranged the table and the chairs and even moved the big Christmas tree. Kathy looked at his picture and gave him a huge, impressed smile.

“Send it to me, Roman. I’m going to make it into a poster to advertise my Christmas hot chocolates.” Roman beamed with pride. Ben ruffled his hair affectionately, thinking how lucky he was to have a smile like Callum’s; it would take him far in life. Roman enjoyed the attention then smoothed his hair back to how it was before.

“Where is Callum?” asked Kathy.

“He’s taken Robbie out for a walk. We’re going sledging this afternoon and Robbie can’t come to that so Callum’s gone out with him this morning,” explained Ben smoothly. Callum and he shared a rule that they didn’t trouble the children with their troubles. Kathy sat with them listening to the children’s excitement about their cousin Peggy coming to stay, the big Christmas dinner and Santa’s visit (Lexi exchanged a knowing wink with Kathy at that) and laughing at their competition for the biggest chocolate moustache (Tyler won). She was sad to be missing Christmas with them – she and her husband Mike were going to stay with his son over Christmas. Last year had been the boys’ first Christmas with Callum and Ben and they had been still overwhelmed with all the changes in their lives. This year would be a completely different matter as they had blossomed and Kathy desperately wanted to be there. Their personalities had emerged revealing engaging and interesting characters; she loved them both with the kind of ferocity and adoration befitting a grandmother.

“I want lots of photos of your Christmas,” she said, making them promise to send as many as they could. Ben knew she was upset about it and put a comforting arm around her. He was going to miss her as well. They sat for a moment enjoying watching the children until they were suddenly disturbed.

“Ben!” A voice rang out across the café and Ben turned around to see Johnny Carter, a good friend, bundled up in a large, colourful scarf having just come in from outside. Johnny had been travelling around the far east after a split from his boyfriend Ollie (also a good friend) and Ben hadn’t seen him for three months.

“Johnny!” Delighted to see him, he got up to give his friend a hug and was a little startled when Johnny seized his face and kissed him on the lips. It was more than he would have done three months ago.

“Hi kids,” greeted Johnny, sitting down uninvited at the table. Lexi scowled at him. Who did he think he was kissing her dad like that? Her young heart burned with outrage on Ben’s and Callum’s behalf. Roman and Tyler watched through their enormous dark eyes, not sure what was going on. “Hi Kathy.” Johnny picked up Kathy’s hand and dropped a kiss on it. Yuck, thought Lexi.

“So are you back back or back for Christmas?” asked Ben, pulling up another chair as Johnny was sitting on his.

“Back back,” grimaced Johnny. “Need to earn a living. Can’t gallivant forever.” He turned to Kathy. “I’m very much looking forward to New Year’s Eve at The Albert,” he smiled, missing Ben’s look of concern behind him. Ben and Callum were also going to The Albert on New Year’s Eve with some friends … including Ollie. Johnny turned back to Ben. “You’ll be there, Ben? It’s tradition.”

“Yeah, me and Callum are going.” Ben paused then decided to be up front. “We’re gonna be there with Ollie.” He felt a little bad as he saw Johnny’s face momentarily fall and felt compelled to explain. “We didn’t know you were back. Nobody’s heard from you.”

“It’s okay, Ben. Don’t worry your pretty little head about it. It was bound to happen. Ollie and I will have to behave like grown-ups.” Johnny didn’t look as certain as his words sounded and he got up swiftly. “Lovely to see you all. Have a wonderful Christmas.” As quickly as he had arrived, he had gone.

“Awkward,” commented Ben to Kathy who nodded sympathetically.

“Not really,” Lexi butted in. “Ollie’s REALLY nice. Johnny isn’t. If it was me, I’d be friends with Oliie and not Johnny.” Ben frowned at her.

“Johnny’s great, Lex. You just know Ollie better because he’s been around a lot recently. Anyway, enough of that. Somebody snaffled the last cookie when I wasn’t looking. Who’s the cookie thief?” He tickled Roman’s tummy making him laugh. “No, my cookie detector fingers aren’t picking up extra cookies here.” He reached for Tyler and tickled his tummy and made an alarm sound. “Beep beep beep. Extra cookie detected.” Tyler looked worried for a second and then giggled as he realised Ben was teasing. Kathy adored how Ben was around his children; he was a great dad. There had been a time when she had worried that Ben would end up a sad, lonely man but instead he was married to a truly wonderful man and had three beautiful children; her heart swelled with pleasure and pride whenever she thought of it. Ben watched her affection and decided to make an offer.

“We’re having dinner with Marcus, Frankie and Eilish on Monday night, after opening day for the Arts Centre Christmas Market, and Frankie has invited Whitney and Stuart. Why don’t you and Mike come along? It’ll be like an early Christmas dinner. Although, we’re going to Leonardo’s and that old sod won’t have anything to do with turkey.”

Kathy was delighted and accepted quickly as the children bundled themselves up in their winter gear and kissed her goodbye.

+++

After lunch, they all went to meet old friends at the sledging hill including Lexi’s closest friends, Bonny and Miles. Callum and Ben adored Bonny’s mum, Theresa, a tiny, lively woman; she had stepped forward positively when Ben’s dad went to prison, ensuring that Lexi had at least one friend to stand beside. As it was, Lexi had two friends at that time, the other being Miles. Miles’ younger sister, Maisie, was in the year above Roman and Tyler at school, and their parents Emma and Simon were a lot of fun; all of them had turned up for sledging.

Also at the hill were some new friends. This time it was Callum and Ben who had made friends with the parents, a couple as young as them, Eddie and Danielle. Their daughter, Lily, was the same age as Lexi. Lily was a very popular girl with a large following of girls desperate to be in her crowd. She got along well with Lexi, Bonny and Miles out of school and completely ignored them in school. Eddie and Danielle also had a son, Marek, who was a big friend of Roman and Tyler.

The four families often went on outings together, such as the sledging today, and there was also talk about a festival in the summer, which Callum and Ben knew was going to challenge their aversion to camping but had resolved to give it a go. The children were very self-sufficient with the snow activities – none of them were very young - so the adults made their way to a nearby tea hut for a chat.

“So, you’ve got a busy Christmas, Mitchell-Highways?” asked Eddie.

“Yeah,” said Ben despondently at the same time as Callum said enthusiastically,

“Yeah. We’re all going to the Arts Centre fair on Monday; it’s run by our friends Frankie and Marcus – you remember them, yeah? You should come along - and we’re going out for a Christmas dinner with them afterwards, with Frankie’s mum Eilish, Ben’s mum and Mike and my brother and his girlfriend. Ben’s sister arrives with her daughter on Tuesday, they’re staying for a week, and Ben’s step-mum is staying Christmas Eve to the day after Boxing Day. Stuart and Whitney are coming for Christmas dinner as well. Ben’s mum and Mike are back on the twenty-eighth, Louise and Peggy leave the following day, then the day after that, Kathy and Mike are taking the children away for New Year, five days, to Disneyland Paris.”

“Sure I’m tired just listening to yourself,” commented Theresa, sharing a look of commiseration with Ben.

“Yeah me too,” complained Ben. “What are you doing?”

“Back to Ireland, as ever,” she replied, her glowing eyes showing her excitement at the prospect. “Mam and dad would hate not to be seeing us. My sisters Orla and Donna, their husbands and all their children are to be there. My youngest sister Maira is coming with her girlfriend Isabel and Isabel’s boys. We haven’t had Isabel with us before. Mammy’s worried so she is - she thinks dad might be saying something homophobic and it’ll all kick off.”

“Sounds busy as well,” observed Ben, convinced that Theresa’s Christmas would be just as manic as his. He’d met her sisters.

“You should all count your blessings with your families,” said Eddie. “Me and Dan are just thirty and haven’t got a parent or a sibling between us.”

“Yes, but there’s your Polish family with you,” said Theresa, referring to the vibrant Polish community in the area. “Christmas would be a big deal, no?”

“Oh, yes,” confirmed Danielle, “a VERY big deal. What are you guys up to, Em?”

“Back up north on the twenty-third, to mum and dad’s. Boxing Day and two days after at Simon’s parents. Home the day after that. The snow here’ll be gone but there’ll be proper snow up there. We’re looking forward to it.” Both Emma and Simon were from the north Pennines in County Durham and their extended families still lived there. They had a huge photograph in their house of vast, wild moorland which captivated Callum and Ben. The purple heather dotted amongst grass yellow at the end of the summer, clear shadows of clouds on a landscape that was bare of trees, of houses, of interference – it was stripped back, elemental somehow, and they wanted to go there.

Their conversation was interrupted by the children calling them to join in and no encouragement was needed as races were quickly organised. Callum and Ben were a little surprised to see that Roman and Tyler were the biggest daredevils, standing on their sledges, going down backwards, urging their sledges to go as fast as possible. Roman loved his football but, other than that, neither of them had shown much interest in sport. The sledging showed that they both had balance and strength … and recklessness.

“They’re an accident waiting to happen,” said Ben as Callum helped him up off the snow after the latest crash with them.

“You should come skiing with us one year,” offered Simon. “They would probably like snowboarding.”

At Simon’s words, Callum had one of his moments when he felt like he’d parachuted into another world. Ben had never been skiing but Callum knew that was only because his family weren’t interested in a winter holiday that wasn’t somewhere warm. Skiing was so far from Callum’s cultural experience they might as well have been talking about space travel. He felt the panic rising and had a moment of insight that maybe he was suffering from a kind of imposter syndrome. Ben, always in sync with him, grabbed him to distract him from his discomfort.

“You and me, racing our three – come on.” As the children scrambled to get on one sledge, he pushed Callum onto the other sledge and knelt behind him, arms wrapped around his chest. “Stay with me, babe,” he whispered in his ear. “I’ve got you.” Callum almost cried with the security of the support being offered. Breathing deeply, he seized the rope, and turned to the kids.

“Bring it on,” he challenged. Three very focused and competitive children grinned back and the two sledges shot down the hill.

+++

One great thing about spending hours outside on a cold day was that it tired out the children. By nine that evening, they were all fast asleep and Callum and Ben were curled up on the big sofa. Ben could feel that Callum was unsettled and stroked his arm gently to signal his attentiveness.

“I want to explain it to you, Ben,” said Callum, “but I can’t make any sense of it myself. I know you’re gonna say that I should just say whatever I’m thinking, but it’s stressing me out being so mixed up.” He ran his fingers through Ben’s hair and felt him practically purr. It was comfortable and grounding and his heart surged with love for his husband. “I love you so much,” he murmured, bending down and kissing Ben’s forehead. Ben turned his head over on Callum’s middle so that he was looking up. He could see Callum’s agitation and lifted himself up to sit on the other side of him, legs over his lap, and pulled him in. Callum heaved a huge sigh and rested his head against Ben’s chest, listening to the steadying rhythm of his heartbeat. “What’s wrong with me?” he mumbled. “Everything is so perfect, so fucking perfect …”

“… you can’t believe it?” finished Ben. Callum tilted his head up.

“Yeah,” he confirmed. “I MUST be in somebody else’s life.”

“I don’t know why you think you shouldn’t have all this, babe. This is your life and there’s been trouble and misery and there’s been luck and joy; they’ve all led you to this point. You’re a good person, a wonderful person, and you totally deserve your happiness. You haven’t stolen it from anybody …” He saw a flicker of guilt pass over Callum’s face. “What?”

“Something I talked about with Steve today. Should I have taken the boys off Stuart?” He paused not wanting to say awful things aloud. “Did I not want them to come to us because I thought they would disrupt our family of me, you and Lexi? Did I want Stu to have them because I didn’t know them and I wasn’t committed to them? I told myself that I wanted Stu to have them because they knew him and it was a less traumatic change but was that just a convenient reason?”

“You didn’t take the boys off Stuart. He didn’t want them to live with him. Probably yes to all of the other questions.” Callum sat up abruptly at Ben’s response.

“That’s terrible,” he whispered, horrified even more because he knew Ben was not wrong.

“No, Callum, it isn’t,” stated Ben firmly. “They came to us when we didn’t know them, we didn’t have time to get to know them first. They were a complete unknown. We were really happy, me, you and Lex, so how could we not think that MAYBE – and that is an important word here – maybe they would upset that?” It sounded reasonable so Callum rested himself back down as Ben carried on talking. “They needed a home, family, parents. What kind of people would we be if we had not given them that with us? Not the kind of people we want to be.” Callum nodded into Ben’s chest. This was all true. Ben continued. “So the question really is … do we regret it? Was it a mistake?” Callum looked up at him and they smiled at each other, eyes bright with certainty that they loved Roman and Tyler. “Hell no! They are the best thing that could have happened to us,” declared Ben.

“Thank you,” said Callum. He felt the confused parts of him slotting into place and breathed deeply, relaxing in Ben’s embrace. His strength was building, enabling him to talk more freely. “Just now, all the way through that, you said ‘we’. When I think about it, it’s just me, like the boys are my responsibility. And even though I’m going to be adopting Lexi, I still think she is more yours than mine.”

“Well you need to wrap your head around that ‘cause you have three children who you share equal responsibility for with me. The bloodlines are not important between the five of us. Every decision we make for them will be a joint one.” Ben’s clearsightedness was a godsend to Callum. He could feel his anxiety receding and decided to get some of the other things off his chest.

“I also spoke to Steve about a dream I have, used to have, of having a baby. I think, I’m not sure, maybe I’m disappointed that it’s never gonna happen.” There was a short silence as his tentative words hung in the air.

“We can do that if that’s what you really want. I’m not against the idea,” said Ben, pausing and allowing the words to land. Callum sat up again and stared at him flabbergasted. He hadn’t thought much about how Ben might respond but this was unexpected. “What?” laughed Ben. “I get it. We could do it right. Have a baby at the right age, like be the same age as other parents. Make sure their early years are full of love and nurturing. Our kids have trauma backgrounds. It might be nice to have one that didn’t.” He watched Callum carefully hoping that he was reading between the lines. He was.

“Okay point taken. That might not be the best reason. When did you get to be so wise?” moaned Callum. “I’m sure I used to be the one with the common sense.” He settled back down against Ben, an arm holding him securely around the middle. “I do love babies though.”

“Seriously, babe, don’t feel like we can’t talk about it. I meant it when I said I wasn’t against the idea. It just has to be for the right reasons. Also, don’t forget that one day maybe,” promised Ben, “and it could be by the time you’re fifty which is the single benefit of being a young parent, you might be a grandparent to babies. Even sooner, there might be a baby nephew or niece.”

Callum’s swirling emotions settled and, all of a sudden, he felt enormously tired. Ben felt Callum’s head become heavy and deduced from his breathing that he had fallen asleep. He snuggled down, nudging closer to Callum and fell asleep himself.

**MONDAY 21.12**

After a quiet Sunday, Monday brought a return to the Christmas hurly-burly.

“Have you checked if Toby can come in later and take Robbie out?” asked Ben, referring to their teenage next-door-but-one neighbour who would do anything for a tenner. They were going to the Christmas event at the Arts Centre and then out for dinner so Robbie would be home alone for hours.

“No … have you?” replied Callum a little moodily, wondering why Ben expected him to think of everything. He was still feeling unsettled about the fact that he’d had two anxiety attacks in the last fortnight, just a week apart. Something was building in him and he couldn’t work out what it was. He kept getting to a point where he’d sorted out some of his thinking then he lost the clarity. He was putting a lot of pressure on himself for Christmas to be perfect – maybe that was the problem.

Ben regarded Callum across the kitchen. That something was wrong with Callum was plain. Was it really just about being a dad? The baby discussion was bothering Ben. He had told Callum that he was open to the idea of another child but this wasn’t strictly true. If they needed to give a home to a child as they had with Roman and Tyler, then Ben had no doubt they would embrace the task and succeed. But setting out to have another child was altogether a different proposition. Callum and he were always running around after their family or their work. They had to make a conscious effort to find time for each other and, if they were honest, they didn’t do this enough. Another child would make this even more difficult. Ben needed his time with Callum; it kept him strong and focused on what was good in his life. He needed more of it not less.

The Arts Centre Christmas Market was magical and Lexi, Roman and Tyler walked in agog. As could be expected from a collective of creative sparks, the lights and decorations were quirky and colourful, conveying perfectly the excitement and promise of festivity. Callum’s and Ben’s children were well-known by this community and were particularly indulged on this occasion. Roman especially was in his element, talking to the artists about their work, having a go at making things with his wide smile winning over everybody. Whitney, usually to be found at the market, had a stall for this event and was pleased to see Lexi, Roman and Tyler modelling her Christmas jumpers.

“Ooh, look at you little stunners,” she cooed. “Get yerself around so everyone can see ya an’ I’ll do a bomb today!” Lexi established herself there for a while making sure that Whitney had a clear idea of the clothes she liked. She loved her Christmas jumper and was not averse to more of her clothes being made by Whitney.

“Have you seen her?” Ben remarked to Callum. “Angling to get Whit to make her stuff.” He had his arm firmly around Callum’s waist, making the most of the time together. Tyler had gone off with Kathy and Mike to watch a contortionist, so they were alone in the crowded venue.

“Stu was talking about proposing,” said Callum thoughtfully, “which would make Whit Lexi’s aunty. Then we’re really in trouble,” he laughed. He looked at Ben, feeling utterly content in the moment. Ben saw it and moved in for a short, sweet kiss as though they were stationary in their moment and everything else, all the noise and the colour, was swirling around them in a blur.

“Happy?” asked Ben, his shy smile peering hopefully at Callum.

“Yeah, happy,” confirmed Callum, half-smiling half-laughing at Ben’s softness.

Dinner that evening was at a local Italian restaurant that steadfastly refused to serve traditional British Christmas dinner. Perfect, thought Callum, intending to enjoy the one meal over the festive period that he wasn’t preparing. It was a large party with the five Mitchell-Highways, Kathy and Mike, Stuart and Whitney, Eilish, Frankie and Marcus, and the children were, yet again, the centre of attention. Kathy made sure she was sitting near them to get her Christmas fix; she adored her grand-children.

Eilish watched Kathy and wondered if this might be her one day. Frankie and Marcus were still young at twenty-three and twenty-five but their commitment to each other grew constantly and Eilish knew they were destined for a life together. She also noticed Marcus’ pleasure around the children so, as far as she could see, all that was needed was her belligerent, feisty daughter to play nicely. One day.

Callum made sure he was sitting next to Stuart.

“I can’t get over them,” said Stuart, indicating Tyler and Roman. “They’ve grown up, ain’t they? Proper little lads they are now.”

“It’s relentless is growing up,” agreed Callum. He saw the deep affection Stuart felt for his nephews and decided to air some of his thoughts. “Do you regret not having them when they had to leave dad?” Stuart swung round to face him, surprise evident on his face.

“You’re doing an amazing job, you and Ben, what is there to regret?” It wasn’t an answer to the question but he meant it sincerely. He would have loved to be in the position Callum was in as the boys’ dad but that wasn’t how things had worked out and Stuart had made his peace with that. Callum wanted an answer though.

“Do you regret not having them Stu?” he asked. Stuart wasn’t a deep-thinking person, he liked to take things as they came along, and he hadn’t thought about this. Maybe he had deliberately not thought about it, it was hard to know, but, now, Callum wanted him to address it so he took a look inside.

“I wish I was more like you,” he said after a few seconds of introspection. “You’ve been proper determined to get yerself to a better place. And you did, look at you!” Stuart’s face revealed admiration and pride, pricking Callum’s conscience about envying his brother for the possibility of a baby. “When Ty and Ro needed a home, you were the right choice, you and your daft husband. So do I regret it? No!” He slung an arm around Callum’s shoulders. “Don’t overthink it, bruv. Everything’s how it should be. Look at us – who’d have thunk that we’d be sittin’ ‘ere wiv a family like this?” He looked around the table and back at Callum, a huge smile across his face. “We’ve made it, bruv!” And he slammed a kiss on his forehead. Callum was touched by Stuart’s assessment of their success. It was so simple but so true. After years of fear and loneliness, they were surrounded by people who loved them and that was everything.

Ben followed the conversation with Stuart and Callum. So he was the daft husband, was he? I’ll take it, he thought, remembering several instances of winding up Stuart.. Callum and Stuart had re-forged their relationship only two and a half years ago after fourteen years apart but, after Ben and the children, Stuart was Callum’s most important connection. Watching Callum’s face light up at Stuart’s words warmed Ben’s heart. Stuart and Callum had been through terrible childhoods but had somehow emerged loving and hopeful – it was amazing.

Ben thought about his sister Louise, arriving tomorrow. She had been at their wedding but that had been a maelstrom of busyness and they hadn’t had much time to reconnect. They had always been close but, since Louise had Peggy and moved to Portugal, they had got out of the habit of calling regularly. He was looking forward to having time with her and resolved to take a leaf out of Stuart’s playbook.

**WEDNESDAY 23.12**

“I’ve never been in a prison, Ben. I don’t … I don’t know if I want to.” Louise was resisting Ben’s plan for them to visit their dad in prison. “And Peggy might be worried if I leave her.”

Ben raised his eyebrows at the last argument. If there was one thing that was abundantly clear from the last twenty-four hours, it was that Peggy, just turned three, had fallen head over heels in love with her Uncle Callum.

“Okay, so maybe Peggy won’t be worried,” Louise conceded. “But you get why I’m nervous Ben, yeah? I haven’t seen him for a year and a half.”

“I get why you’re nervous but we are going, Lou. You’ll be fine.”

Phil was in a prison a couple of hours away so it was a trip and Ben decided they could take the Porsche as, when he opened the bedroom curtains that morning, in true London style, the snow had completely disappeared.

“I can’t believe this old heap is still running,” laughed Louise as she silently approved; the old car looked very stylish. She spent some time looking at her brother as he was driving. He looked so good and she tried to identify what was different. He had always been good looking so that was the same. He was looking seriously cute though, she thought, not that he needed to know that. Was he thinner or fatter? She couldn’t really tell. His eyes were concentrated on the road and he was chewing the side of his lip thoughtfully, an old habit.

“What are you starin’ at?” he asked. “I can feel your eyes burnin’ a hole in the side of my head.”

“I think you’ve got less wrinkles,” she concluded.

“I’ve never had wrinkles, Louise,” refuted Ben, glancing across at her and checking out her skin.

“Er, neither have I!” Louise was beautiful. She was almost as tall as Ben, with a great figure, a gorgeous face and lovely, long, blonde hair. “You’re looking good, Ben. Maybe it’s just that you’ve got your shit together and it suits you.”

“I look exactly the same as the last time you saw me,” asserted Ben. “But I’m gonna take it. I look good.” He looked across at her. “You look amazin’,” he smiled and Louise smiled back at him.

“See, that’s what’s different. You’re relaxed. So relaxed you’re even nice to me,” she teased. Ben grew serious for a moment.

“You know I love you, Lou. Like properly, bottom of my heart stuff. I’m there for you always, forever.” He reached across and squeezed her hand. “I mean it.”

“Even if I move back to England?” Louise kept hold of his hand.

“What? Really?” The excitement in Ben’s voice touched Louise, bringing emotions to the surface that she usually kept carefully hidden. She was lonely in Portugal. Her mum had met somebody and was never around; Peggy’s dad, the hopelessly inept Keanu, had long since scarpered and, frankly, she didn’t care; and her latest boyfriend, Filipe, had turned out to be a lying, cheating scumbag. She was in danger of romanticising her childhood, she recognised that - it had certainly not been a walk in the park - but, whenever she tried to identify times in her life when she had been truly happy, they included her brothers Ben and Denny. The heartbreak of Denny’s death was unbearable; she would never get over it. Ben, however, was here and she wanted to be part of his life.

“Yes, really. I want Peggy to go to school here.” It was a glib reason and she knew it and decided to be honest. “I want us to be a bigger part of each other’s lives, Ben.”

“Aw, Lou, do you … love me?” Ben sniggered.

“Shut up or I’ll stay in Portugal,” she retorted.

They were nearly there and Ben wanted Louise to know what to expect, so he spent the rest of the journey explaining. Before long, they were sitting at a table in the visitors’ room waiting for Phil to arrive. He didn’t know Louise was going to be there so when he walked in and saw her, his face was a picture of delight. He was allowed to give each of them a quick hug and cried through both of them, whispering a thank you in Ben’s ear.

“You’re lookin’ alright, dad,” she said, having expected him to look haggard and miserable. She realised that she was really pleased to see him and reached for his hands across the table.

“Yeah,” accepted Phil. “I’m exercisin’, sleepin’, not drinkin’ – turns out it’s a recipe for good ‘ealf.” He looked at his children and wondered how an ugly mug like him could have such good looking kids, then remembered their mothers were stunning. He smiled. “Does me good to see you two lookin’ so good. How are the children?” He sat back and listened happily to them talk about his grandchildren. Ben had been in his ear every fortnight for a year and a half now about reforming and turning his life around, believing that if Phil kept his nose clean he might be out in seven years; he’d had been in touch with Ritchie, Phil’s lawyer, and had found out this might be when his dad was eligible for parole. He wanted Phil to come out and be a loving grandad as the children would still be children apart from Lexi and even she would still be young. There was life left for living was his message to Phil, who was beginning to think he might be persuaded by the time he was released. One day soon, he would talk to Ben about how he was going to live with the shame; maybe Ben had a plan for that as well.

“I need to pick your brains about money-laundering, dad,” said Ben, laughing when Phil looked round in alarm. “We’ve got a case. D’ya remember Sam Turner?” Phil nodded so Ben carried on. “Seems like she’s stepped into your shoes. But not old school like you, no chicken shops and taxi ranks; she’s into online bank accounts.”

“Well, I’m not sure I’m gonna be much use with that,” said Phil as Ben laughed. Phil’s technophobia was a source of great amusement to Ben.

“Just maybe, listen out for how it might be done. Fake accounts are a possibility. I’ve done a bit of lookin’ but, whatever she’s doin’, it’s well hidden. If you don’t pick up any whispers, don’t worry. Definitely don’t go askin’ questions. You’re on perfect behaviour, remember.”

The end of the visit rushed up on them and Ben tried to squeeze two seconds of love into his dad with the permitted goodbye hug. Outside, he saw Louise’s lip wobbling and put his arms around her. They stood, holding on to each other, distressed about their dad, for a few minutes.

“Is he gonna be okay?” whispered Louise.

“Absolutely,” declared Ben with more confidence than he felt. “Prisoners who have visits do better than those who don’t get them and Sharon and me come every fortnight without fail, sometimes in together but usually we take half an hour each. I don’t wanna hear what they have to say to each other.” He pulled a disgusted face and made Louise giggle. “He’s allowed an extra visit over Christmas so she’s coming next week ‘cause you and me are here today. We remind him all the time that there’s a life waiting for him on the outside.”

Louise wondered if this was to be part of her life when she returned to England and resolved that it was; she was inspired by Ben’s determination and the way Phil had looked to Ben for reassurance and strength – he had never ever shown Ben that much respect. She realised then what had changed about Ben. He was no longer cowering in the shadow of an abusive father.


	3. Mistakes

**CHRISTMAS EVE/DAY**

Sharon arrived the next day with enough bags for a month. Her chocolate Labradors, Toffee and Fudge, bounded into the house after Robbie who was beside himself with excitement and it seemed like chaos had landed.

“Oh, they’re mainly presents darlin’,” she reassured Callum as he unloaded her multitude of bags from her car. “I know we talked about not going over the top but I couldn’t help myself.”

Soon, the dogs got used to each other, presents were placed under the tree and the dog beds and Sharon’s bags were taken to the spare room on the first floor. Louise and Peggy had the sofa bed in the children’s study on the second floor. Sharon had stayed over before when she had looked after the children when Callum and Ben were away for a weekend but she was looking forward to being in the house with them there. Callum, Ben , Louise and her grandchildren – it was what she lived for. She was writing a journal for Phil, sticking in photographs whenever she had them and she couldn’t wait for this next chapter.

Sharon, Ben and Louise had history, lots of it - lots of it bad but lots of it good as well - and Callum felt a little excluded from much of the conversation. They talked about holidays and parties and wonderful Christmases; Callum couldn’t join in with any tales of his own so he concentrated on playing with the children and cooking. After dinner, the children had gone to bed and he was clearing up the kitchen when Ben came in.

“I’m sorry, babe. Should be helpin’ you with this,” he said, picking up a tea towel.

“Doesn’t matter,” said Callum. “You should spend time with Sharon and Louise.” Ben got hold of his hips and turned him around.

“I want YOU to spend time with Sharon and Louise. Are you feelin’ like you’re not part of things?” he asked perceptively. Callum kissed him and smiled.

“It was just easier with your mum last year ‘cause I know her so well. But the only way to know Sharon and Louise better is to spend time with them, so I’m off to the living room and you can finish off in here.” He kissed Ben’s outraged face and headed to the front of the house. Sharon and Louise turned to look at him as he entered.

“Oh, good on you,” said Louise. “Get him to pull his weight.” She patted the sofa next to her to indicate that Callum should sit down there. He obliged and, before he had thought about it too much, he put his arm around her and kissed her forehead. It’s what he would have done with any other visitor, he thought, and she was his actual sister-in-law. He wanted to get to know her and hoped they would be close.

“It’s really lovely to have you here,” he said, bestowing his beautiful smile. Wow, Ben is one lucky boy, thought Louise. She had liked Callum from their first meeting. Knowing Ben to be soft-hearted under his swaggering exterior persona, she could see why he had fallen so hard for this gentle and sincere man, plus she could sense that Callum had a dorky sense of humour which she was certain had delighted her daft brother.

They fell into a discussion about Christmas morning routines and, when asked about his childhood, Callum replied simply and honestly that there had been no presents, no dinner, no celebrating.

“What? Nothing?” Sharon and Louise were shocked.

“It’s fine. It’s just what it was like and I can’t change that. To be honest, I managed to get by in a bubble of my own and didn’t realise that other families were doin’ it differently. Then, as an adult, I did realise but I managed to avoid Christmas pretty much until I met Ben. My first good Christmas was two years ago with Ben, Lexi and Kathy,” he admitted. “It was amazing. I loved every second. So, every Christmas is going to be like that. I’m a man on a mission.” Concerned that his story had brought the mood down, he went for a change of subject. “Does Peggy understand about Christmas, d’ya think?”

“Yeah, I think she does,” replied Louise, “only because she just had her birthday and knew what that was about. They grow up so fast, don’t they?”

“It’s something I’ve missed,” said Callum reflectively. “Lexi was ten when I met her, Roman and Tyler were seven. I’ve missed out on the babies, toddlers and small children bit.” Callum was aware that Louise and Sharon were focused on him, hearing the note of wistfulness and intrigued that he had shared this personal information. He decided to give them a bit more. “Ben and I have talked about it.”

“Ooh, do you think you might have a baby?” Louise asked, clearly interested.

“Yeah maybe,” smiled Callum.

Ben had come upon the conversation from the hallway and was leaning on the wall outside the room eavesdropping, his heart sinking. He didn’t want to have a baby but was he ever going to be able to say that to Callum? He put on a bright smile and entered the living room.

“What are you all talking about?” he asked with fake innocence.

“That you and Callum might have a baby,” said Louise. “Kept that to yourself, eh?” Callum noticed how Ben sat on the old leather chair with his barriers up, how he didn’t respond enthusiastically and how he didn’t make eye contact with Callum. If Ben wondered how he might let Callum know that he didn’t want a baby, he should have realised that he could scream it loudly with his behaviour.

+++

Everybody was asleep but Ben had come downstairs to the room off the kitchen. He sat in an armchair and looked at the photo tiles and tried to imagine another child. If Callum strongly wanted it, shouldn’t he agree? What were you supposed to do when one of you desperately wanted something and the other of you didn’t want it? This couldn’t be about compromise – you couldn’t have half a baby or a baby half the time. He closed his eyes in frustration and didn’t hear Callum come in.

“What are you doing in here?” Ben jumped out of his skin as Callum spoke from the doorway.

“Fuckin’ ninja skills much,” he complained. “How d’you get down the stairs without them creakin’?”

“Fuckin’ ninja skills,” smiled Callum, coming into the room and sitting down. He also looked at the photo tiles. When he put up the first few tiles, he’d had definite favourites. One of him and Ben was a particularly important picture with them half-facing each other, him smiling broadly and Ben clearly saying something naughty, his face animated by his cheeky grin. It was a picture of who they were and they both loved it. But now the wall was full of tiles, all of the pictures taken by Frankie to capture their individual natures and their loving relationships with family and friends. It was a joyous and wonderful celebration of their life.

“Ben?” Callum’s voice was now serious and Ben knew they were about to have the conversation he didn’t want to have. “You don’t want a baby, do you? So why did you say you were open to the idea?”

“’Cause I want to be open to the idea … for you.” Ben reached for Callum’s hand but was denied. His heart plummeted. He wanted to make this better but Callum had other ideas. He was after the truth.

“But you’re not really? Not really open to the idea?” His voice was sharp and disappointed, as though Ben had given him false hope.

“I want to be,” Ben pleaded, hoping that they weren’t going to fight about this.

“It’s fine Ben,” snapped Callum. “We can only have another child if we both want it. And we don’t both want it. So that’s it. I’ll drop it.” Callum refused to look at Ben, not wanting him to see the imminent tears. He didn’t want this to matter so much. This could not be a thing to test his relationship with Ben; surely he didn’t want a baby more than he wanted his amazing family? He was frustrated with himself for working himself up to the point where this felt like it was so important.

“Callum … babe … I don’t want it to be a decision made like that.” Ben jumped up and knelt in front of his husband, placing his hands on his thighs as Callum folded his arms to prevent Ben from holding his hands. He would do anything to protect his relationship with Callum and their life with their children. If that meant having another child, then so be it.

“We can only have another child if we BOTH want it,” Callum repeated, staring fiercely at Ben, not caring now if his tears could be seen. “So drop it.” He wanted this conversation to be over, so he unfolded his arms and held Ben’s hands. “It can’t be helped Ben. Please let’s go back to bed.”

Upstairs again, they got back into bed and Ben snuggled into Callum’s side. Callum put his arm around Ben but they weren’t on the same page and they both recognised it. The lack of connection was painful for them and neither of them slept, both anxious about how to resolve their differences. Early in the morning, Callum turned to Ben.

“Please, Ben, drop it, like properly drop it. I WILL get over it.” He didn’t know if he could really promise this but he knew he wanted it to be true. That had to count for something. He caressed Ben’s hair. “The kids are going to be up soon and I want us to have a wonderful day. Please,” he begged. Ben knew that eventually this would need to be resolved or it would eat away at them both but also knew that this wasn’t the time to push. He held Callum’s face in his hands, thumbs stroking his cheeks.

“I love you, Callum. We’ll work it out ‘cause you and me are for all time, but, okay, we’ll get to that in a few days’ time. When the kids are gone, we can talk about it properly.” He kissed him softly and, encouraged by Callum’s response, kissed him more deeply. Callum slipped his hands under Ben’s top, caressing the muscles of his back, feeling his scar, pulling him closer so that he could feel Ben harden against him, knowing that this was another issue they had – fixing everything with sex. Ben pushed his hands into Callum’s pyjama bottoms, resting his fingers on his hip bones whilst he continued to kiss his neck, sensing Callum stiffen in between his hands, and pushing the bottoms down as Callum did the same for him, then resting himself against Callum so they could rub together, getting carried away although he was aware that it wasn’t great to solve problems this way. Pleasure intensifying, they ignored the warning voices and continued.

It wasn’t good sex. For them, sex was emotional and could definitely be described as making love. This was not that and afterwards they lay there both feeling like they could cry.

With a three year old in the house, Christmas Day had an early start. All of the children were excited about Santa having been, even Lexi who knew otherwise. Little sacks had been delivered to their bedrooms from Santa and the presents downstairs under the tree were from friends and family. Callum and Ben expected their children to write thank you notes which meant they had to know who had sent the gifts so this was the system they had come up with to include the possibility of Santa. It also solved the problem of why Santa was so excessively generous to them when other children received very little, a problem almost entirely caused by Sharon.

Ben was particularly intrigued to see what Charlie had sent as all five Mitchell-Highways had received a gift from him (Callum: “Did we get him a gift?” Ben: “A remote kiss from me.” Callum: “What?”). He had given them the most beautiful ceramic birds painted in wild colours and patterns, each one clearly chosen for it’s recipient. Callum’s bird was black, grey and white with shots of gold throughout its painted plumage; it held its head proudly. Ben’s was a myriad of blues with a speckled chest and its head cocked to the side. Lexi’s was a delicate shape full of pearlescent colour. Roman’s was a mulberry colour with shots of silver and spotted details in a light blue and pink and Tyler’s was slightly bigger, mainly in dark blue with stripes of mid blue, mid green and flashes of a strong yellow.

“Wow, they are stunning,” admired Louise.

“I think we should display them together,” said Ben. “What do you think kids?” They all agreed and Roman rearranged items on the shelves in the alcove in the living room and arranged the birds artistically. Ben took a picture and sent it to Charlie with thanks.

Callum wasn’t his usual self but managed to hide it from everybody but Ben. As far as everybody else was concerned, he was smiling and happy and enjoying the day. Only Ben could see that it was a high quality veneer. Ben was a person who needed enough sleep so he was also not firing on all cylinders but, like Callum, he was accomplished at putting on an act. Callum had precision planned the day and they both concentrated on enacting the plan and looking after their guests. It was a stellar performance.

Stuart and Whitney arrived in the middle of the day, both bursting at the seams to tell their news.

“We’re getting married,” announced Stuart, his smile reaching from ear to ear.

“And,” said Whitney, her smile equally as wide as Stuart’s, “we’re havin’ a baby.” Ben caught Callum’s reaction from across the room. He was smiling and congratulating the happy couple, but Ben could see he wanted to cry. This news was a bit too close to their current disagreement. Whitney, bubbling over with excitement, was detailing the plan. “So, we’ll have the wedding as soon as possible, before I start to show hopefully ‘cause I know exactly what I want my dress to look like, then baby is due in August we think.”

“How far on are you?” asked Sharon, doing the maths and being a little confused as to how Whitney even knew she was pregnant. Ben and Louise were similarly numerate and curious.

“Just pregnant, I did the test this morning. It was the best Christmas present ever!” Whitney was elated and ignored the Mitchell clan’s obvious concern that she had announced her pregnancy very early and maybe that wasn’t a good idea. Lexi was as excited as Whitney.

“A cousin! And a wedding!” she squealed. “… and bridesmaids?” she asked hopefully.

“Lex, you can’t ask that,” admonished Ben, wondering if he was ever going to be able to stop his daughter and get her to understand about putting her brain into gear before putting her mouth into drive.

“’Course she can,” laughed Whitney. “Tiff’s gonna be my maid of honour and you, my sweet pea, are going to be the most beautiful flower girl. I want a long train and Ro and Ty can hold it up for me so it doesn’t drag on the floor.” She grinned at the boys who weren’t sure how a train could be involved, why it would drag on the floor and how they were expected to hold it up.

**TUESDAY 28.12**

The following few days were a whirlwind of activities and meals. Callum was busier than he had ever been in his life and promised himself that he would let others shoulder some of the weight in future Christmases. This holiday had been too much for him and he felt like he was permanently stressed out and not just because of the lack of connection with his husband, although that was certainly part of it. He managed to avoid talking to Ben, going to bed exhausted and falling asleep immediately. Maybe pretending a bit. When Sharon left, they had a night before Kathy and Mike returned and Callum, Ben and Louise spent Louise’s last evening looking online at possible homes for Louise and Peggy. It was an absorbing task and, yet again, Callum and Ben steered clear of a proper conversation.

**WEDNESDAY 29.12**

Kathy’s and Mike’s return signalled an increase in the pace of life again as Kathy was determined to have her Christmas with the children. There were yet more presents, more games to play and more rich, excessive meals. It was exactly what Callum had envisaged but keeping the façade going was torturing him. He and Ben did their usual thing of cuddling and kissing whenever they got a chance because otherwise everybody would know something was wrong but he hated that it was an act. Ben also knew there was a degree of fakery involved but he was glad to have the physical contact; he thought the situation would be much worse without it and there were still moments when he felt that Callum actually wanted to be close to him. Callum did want to be close to Ben but he wanted it to have the honesty that they both usually insisted upon. It was a mess and he couldn’t wait for Kathy, Mike and the children to leave for France.

**NEW YEAR’S EVE EVE**

The time came quickly enough and, waving off Mike, Kathy and the children, Callum and Ben closed the front door. They now had five whole days to themselves.

“Got to say, Callum, Christmas has been a triumph of your organisation. It could not have gone better,” complimented Ben, lying down on the big sofa hoping that Callum would join him. He sat up realising that Callum was sitting in the old leather chair, his body language clearly communicating that he was weary and sad. The walls of the room closed in as Ben understood his fears were being realised - Callum had been successfully pretending at happy families for the past few days and was now about to reveal exactly how upset he was. He hoped against hope that he was wrong.

“We’ve got thirty hours before we’re due out tomorrow night,” Callum said, referring to the New Year’s Eve party at The Albert. His voice was quiet but steady and Ben correctly inferred that Callum wasn’t suggesting they spent that time enjoying each other in bed, not that he had been expecting that. “I want to talk about it. All of it. Thirty hours should be enough time for that.”

Ben felt sick. They were going to argue and it was going to be horrible.

“Okay,” he said, sitting forward on the seat. He tried to catch Callum’s eyes but Callum would not allow it. He wanted to ensure that he got all of his thoughts out and didn’t want Ben to derail him.

“I love you Callum, you say, I’d do anything for you, I’m sure you’ve said that,” Callum said bitterly. “So why not this?” He now caught Ben’s eyes, his gaze challenging and upset.

“Babe, that’s not fair,” protested Ben. “You said you’d do anything for me … so, using the same reasoning, why won’t you give up this idea for me?” Normally, Ben didn’t engage with point-scoring arguments, knowing that they were destructive, but his judgement was foggy because he was tired and scared of not knowing how important this was to Callum. Was it a deal-breaker? Would Callum leave him if he didn’t agree to having a baby? It was unthinkable.

“It’s not the same. I’m asking FOR something. You’re saying no,” argued Callum. He hated arguing with Ben because he always felt like he hadn’t expressed himself well. Ben’s arguments were always clearly made and Callum sometimes felt talked over and browbeaten. But he didn’t feel he should be ignored just because he wasn’t as articulate as Ben.

“So ‘cause I’m askin’ you to not have something, it’s not as important as havin’ something? Semantics, Callum.” It wasn’t constructive, it was point-scoring, but Ben said it anyway, regretting the words as soon as he heard them scooting on their way to Callum.

“Why do you do that?” shouted Callum, clarifying when he saw Ben’s confusion. “Use words you KNOW I’m not goin’ to understand, just ‘cause you got an education an’ I didn’t.”

“What? I don’t …”

“You fuckin’ do. All the time,” Callum interrupted, knowing it was nowhere near all the time but he didn’t feel like being reasonable. Ben was desperate to get back to a calmer conversation and slipped onto the floor in front of Callum’s chair. He didn’t dare touch Callum as he could sense this would not be acceptable.

“I don’t,” insisted Ben, pleading with his eyes. “You understand me. I know you do. You know you do. We’re not talking about words Callum, we’re talking about having a baby.”

“You’ve had this, Ben, you know what it is to have a baby, to be responsible for a whole life, to see every stage. Why won’t you let me have it?” Callum felt that Ben was not listening to him and his frustration was rising.

“I was in prison for the first two or so years of Lexi’s life, so, actually, I did miss it.” Ben wasn’t even sure why he said this. It didn’t move them any nearer to a resolution. He was desperately tired and upset and couldn’t organise his thoughts.

“Is that really your argument? I missed my daughter’s baby years because I killed someone and deservedly went to jail.” Callum saw Ben’s pain as his blow struck but he was angry and unrepentant. He had always been this way, slow to rile, but when he lost his cool, he lost it completely and found it difficult to control his anger.

“What?” Ben could hardly breathe, frozen on the floor and unable to grasp that this was what Callum thought.

“What Ben? We’re not being honest today, is that it? We can’t say it how it is?” Callum, still furious, stood up, planning to leave the room but then, walking back to Ben who was bringing himself to standing, he leaned over jabbing his finger at his husband’s chest. “It was YOUR fault you missed it and it will be YOUR fault I miss out.”

“It was an accident,” whispered Ben, his voice shattered and even quieter than before. “I had problems and I wasn’t coping. I didn’t mean it to happen. It was an accident.”

“Oh well, that’s ok,” snarled Callum, rearing himself to his full height. “Doesn’t it matter to you that somebody died?”

There was a moment of stillness as Callum realised with horror what he had just said and Ben stared at him, his disbelief and dismay evident, then Ben sprang up, punching two hands into Callum’s chest, catching him off-guard and inadvertently knocking him to the floor.

“There is not a day goes by that I am not sorry,” he yelled. “There is not a day goes by that I should not be sorry. How do you not know that?” He slammed out of the room furiously. Callum flung himself back in the chair, hot tears scalding his face. Thirty hours? They’d managed to destroy each other in less than thirty minutes.

+++

Outside in the garden, the dusk light creating an other-worldly atmosphere, Callum worked on his breathing and grounding techniques but, unusually, they weren’t working for him. He could feel the rage simmering inside him but he managed to get himself to a point where he could reason; he couldn’t work out the root cause of his anger though. Where was all of this coming from? He loved his life. He loved Ben so much there were no words to describe it sufficiently. What was wrong with him? Was it even about a baby? All of this being about wanting a baby didn’t make any sense to him and he knew there must be something else deeply buried but doggedly making its way out. His mood continued to fester beyond his control and he recognised that, until he calmed down, it would be counter-productive to go and find Ben.

Ben lay curled up on Lexi’s bed, the pillow damp from hours of crying. It was dark outside now and he had no idea where Callum was. He was sorry for Heather’s death, he was sorry for missing Lexi’s early years, he was sorry for provoking Paul’s killer, he couldn’t feel anything in him but remorse. For the first time in a long time, worthlessness overwhelmed him. What was the fucking point of him? He was just no good: no good for his children, no good for his husband, no good for himself.

Callum sat on the stairs to the second floor listening to Ben cry. At first, he thought he might be there for a short time, and his anger had not dissipated enough for him to offer comfort, but as the hours ticked by he began to realise that this was not self-pity or a temper tantrum. This was devastation. He knew that, at best, Ben would be feeling like he was good for nothing and, at worst, like his life was not worth living, and he, Callum, had caused it, pushing his beloved husband to the edge. The anxiety came from nowhere and hit him like a battering ram and he went into a sharp spasm unable to control the pain or his breathing. Losing his balance, he fell down the stairs, banging his head as he rolled over. He lay at the bottom of the stairs, disorientated, unsure if he should move in case he had broken something.

Ben was too far gone to recognise the crashing on the stairs. It was as though it was a noise happening somewhere else. He carried on crying and shaking, unable to stop, his self-esteem in free fall. He’d been in a dark place before in his life, perhaps worse than this, but he had no energy to scramble out of this pit. The thought of not having Callum’s love was unbearable.

In the early hours - the church clock stopped chiming at midnight and that had been ages ago – Callum decided he needed some help. He was too scared to move, worried he might have broken his neck. When he was in the army, one of the men had fallen off a flat roof and, in trying to move, had made his injuries even worse and never regained feeling in his lower half. Could this happen to him?

“Ben,” he called. He couldn’t hear Ben crying any more. Maybe he’d fallen asleep, he wondered. “Ben!” he tried calling again.

Ben was not asleep but he was numb with his distress. He heard Callum calling but it took him a minute to tune in.

“Ben, please, I need you. Ben.”

Ben wasn’t sure that he wasn’t dreaming. If there was one person Callum didn’t need, it was him.

“Ben.”

Recognising the cry was desperate, he dragged himself off the bed and onto the landing. He could see Callum at the bottom of the stairs, lying in a crumpled heap. The sight of Callum like that sent a jolt of energy through Ben and he ran down the stairs.

“Callum, babe, where does it hurt?” Callum looked terrified.

“I don’t know,” he whimpered.

“What? You can’t feel anything?” Ben grasped Callum’s hand. Callum frowned then.

“No, I can feel you hold my hand.” Painstakingly, Ben went all over Callum’s body, checking for feeling. There was no loss of sensation anywhere.

“How did you fall down the stairs?” he asked.

“Anxiety attack. I thought you were … I could hear you crying … I knew what you’d be feeling.” Callum stared at Ben, a desperate look pleading for some understanding. Ben loved him and would give him anything.

“So instead of helpin’ me, you thought it would be more useful to collapse?”

“Is that an attempt at humour?” moaned Callum, squeezing Ben’s hand for comfort. Ben squeezed back and rubbed his shoulder.

“Right okay, do we need an ambulance?” he said, ever practical.

“I don’t know. Shall I try to move?” Despite Ben’s careful check that he could feel all parts of his body, Callum was still very anxious about moving.

“I don’t know. Where’s the pain?” Ben stroked Callum’s cheek supportively.

“I haven’t actually got any pain.”

“But there’s pain if you try to move, yeah?”

“I haven’t tried to move.” Ben looked astonished at Callum, unsure if he was understanding correctly. This trepidation was unlike Callum. Callum was brave always and Ben hoped that part of him wasn’t the bit that was broken. He smiled reassuringly.

“You haven’t tried to move? Okay, try something small.”

After half an hour of small movements getting larger, they discovered that Callum was, in fact, uninjured, causing them both to giggle hysterically as they sat side by side on the bottom stair. The laughing turned to tears as emotions overwhelmed them and they held on to each other.

“What are we doing?” wept Ben. “We love each other. We shouldn’t be making each other feel like this.” Callum shook his head against Ben’s shoulder. He had no idea what they were doing. All he could think at this point was how tired he was.

“Let’s go to bed,” he suggested. “But not …” Ben nodded his agreement.

“We’ve got to find other ways to make up,” he said. Callum heaved a sigh of relief, glad he understood. They pulled on nightwear, crawled into bed and held on tight to each other, frightened by how disconnected they had been and wanting to make things at least a little better.

New Year’s Eve dawned before they woke. Robbie had been frightened by the argument and had hidden in the kitchen, but having not been fed the previous evening, he came to give Callum and Ben a nudge about breakfast.

“Robbie mate,” apologised Ben. “We didn’t feed you last night or let you out for a wee. Come on boy, let’s sort you out.” As he went into the kitchen, he could see a puddle on the floor and was sorry all over again. “Oh god, Rob, I’m sorry.” Callum arrived as he was clearing up after letting Robbie out and then feeding him.

“We’re not fit to look after a dog let alone a baby,” he quipped, immediately sorry he spoke as he saw Ben’s face fall. Ben put away the cleaning things then led Callum into the room off the kitchen where they sat in the armchairs. The collection of photo tiles of their family and friends had grown over the past eighteen months with Roman and Tyler featuring heavily. They sat contemplating the happy family they saw.

“I love you Callum. I love our kids … and … I’ll love your baby,” said Ben, wanting more than anything to put things right.

“Our baby,” corrected Callum. “If it’s not our baby … if it’s just my baby …” Callum started to cry again, unable to cope with the idea of more conflict. Ben seized his hand.

“I didn’t mean that. I thought you wanted to go down the surrogacy route, have your own baby with your DNA. Of course your baby would be our baby.” It suddenly felt like it was all too difficult and Ben also burst into tears, sobbing noisily.

“You don’t even want a baby,” blubbed Callum. “Look at you.” Ben started to laugh, which combined with his sobbing looked like he was having a breakdown. Maybe he was.

“Look at me? Have you seen yourself?” he sob-laughed. They watched each other’s distress seeing how important it was to both of them to resolve their problems properly. “Okay,” said Ben, “let’s have a cup of tea and some toast. Then we can try talking again.” Callum reached for him as he stood up.

“I said some unforgiveable things yesterday,” he said.

“Not unforgiveable, not if you’re sorry. But unkind and unfair, yeah, maybe, and that’s really unlike you.” He left for the kitchen leaving Callum stung. When he returned, Callum had gone and Ben thought his comment had been too sharp. He set down the tray and sat down in one of the armchairs. They had been looking forward to these few days by themselves but this was not a good start and he felt very low. He was about to go and look for his husband when Callum returned with jumpers, joggers and slippers.

“It’s cold in here,” he explained, handing clothes to Ben. They pulled on clothing over their night clothes and sat for a while eating toast and drinking tea. It was a breather that they both needed, then Callum spoke.

“What I said about it needing BOTH of us to want a baby is true Ben. It’s not fair otherwise. You know this.”

“Callum, I don’t want you to be disappointed or feel unfulfilled. And you know I would love any baby that came along. If this is what you want, we can do this.” Ben was not prepared to have this drive a wedge between him and Callum. If this was something Callum really wanted, then he would support him.

“You just don’t want it to be a problem between us,” said Callum, correctly reading him. “I’ve been thinking about what you said about a baby with my DNA. Honestly, I’m not bothered about that. So why do I want a baby? I don’t know, I really don’t, I’m not even sure that it’s the problem here, so we definitely shouldn’t think about it until I do know. Does that make sense?” He looked at Ben wondering if his babbling was making sense. “But there is one thing I do know,” he added.

“What’s that?” asked Ben.

“I don’t want a baby for myself, I want us to have one. It’s definitely about you and me having a baby. I’m sad you don’t feel the same way. When you said you were open to it, I thought … well, I was wrong.”

“Babe, I am open to it, it’s just … it IS about what you want. You want it to be what I want and I can’t say that. All I can say is that I want you to have what you want and I will be by your side.” Ben could see from Callum’s face that this was not good enough but he didn’t know how to make it any better without lying, and he didn’t want to do that.

They were at an impasse.

**NEW YEAR’S EVE/DAY**

Their friends were already at The Albert when Callum and Ben arrived and Ben set about catching up with the drinking in earnest. The rest of the day after breakfast had been spent with him and Callum hardly talking to each other, not because they were angry, more because they didn’t know what to say. They had watched a lot of pointless television and Callum had made dinner while Ben had taken Robbie out. They had got ready for their evening out moving around each other like pieces of furniture. It felt like they had lost their usual fast connection, it had been difficult and they were both feeling stressed out.

“You two have a fight?” quizzed Ollie, knowing them both well and seeing that they weren’t their usual selves. Callum nodded sadly.

“I’m not feeling it tonight. Think I’m just gonna stay for a few.” What he really wanted was to leave right then but he didn’t want to put a dampener on everybody’s evening, so rustled up a smile.

“Okay, drinks it is,” smiled Ollie, pushing a brightly coloured cocktail into his hand. Callum looked at it curiously then back at Ollie. “Not a clue, my darling,” Ollie laughed. He tipped his own similar drink towards Callum and they chinked glasses and drank. Ben was drinking whisky at the bar, hunched over the counter and not talking to anybody.

An hour later, Callum was feeling somewhat sozzled and, surrounded by his friends, he lost track of Ben. There was dancing and there was drinking and he switched off, carrying on partying on auto-pilot. Ollie stayed attentively by his side, keeping an eye on Ben across the room, worried about both of them.

Ben was now slumped in a corner booth drinking himself into oblivion.

“Ben!” A cheery voice was followed by its owner sliding into the seat next to Ben. It was Johnny. “I just bumped into Ollie dancing with Callum and whatsernames, teacher chaps …”

“Matt. Amit.” Ben was not in the mood for Johnny. He knocked back his whisky and pushed Johnny so that he could get out of the booth to get to the bar. Johnny pushed himself back against the seat to let Ben clamber past him and as Ben was directly over him, he pulled him down so that Ben was on top of him, faces millimetres apart. His look was speculative, wondering if Ben felt what he felt. Ben frowned and pushed himself away, staggering on to the bar. Johnny followed and, when they got there, ordered more whisky. He’d known Ben forever and thought that he looked like he was in the kind of mood to get off his face. He opened his palm to reveal two small pills. Ben hesitated then took them.

“What are you doing?” hissed Ollie, arriving by their sides. He had witnessed everything from Johnny’s manhandling of Ben to the drugs.

“Having a good time,” retorted Johnny, putting his arm round Ben, “with an old friend.” He glared at Ollie. “Just go away. We’re fine here.” Ben was practically face down on the bar, so Johnny hauled him to standing. “Dancing, Ben, come on. Need to get you moving.” Ben obediently let himself be led onto the dance floor. Johnny was right, he was better if he was moving. He lost himself in his high and the close, gyrating bodies, hearing the music and not, feeling like he was happy and not. Dancing was instinctive for him and he moved sexily, catching the eye of every available man in the place, not realising how much he was being groped.

Callum watched Ben and felt tears coming. He’d had enough. He was emotionally drained after all of the arguing and now Ben was making an exhibition of himself. He knew he should look after him – he was clearly wasted and could end up in trouble – but, seeing Ben spun round on the dance floor by another man, his chest tightened and his breath faltered. All other thoughts were thrown out and all he could think was that he needed to escape so, slipping out of the bar, he went home.

+++

Shit, I’m dying, thought Ben, conscious of the ceaseless pounding in his head and scared to open his eyes. He turned slightly and was hit by a wave of nausea and a sense of spinning that sternly warned him to keep still. Obediently, he lay motionless, his senses in overdrive trying to work out his surroundings. He had left his hearing aid and his contacts in – never good - and was feeling dreadful. Where the hell was he? The bed smelt wrong. It was foul and old with a misshapen mattress so thin he could feel the bed frame beneath it. And he was naked, he realised with sinking desperation. Fuck, FUCK! What had he done?

Ben lay still for a few more minutes trying and failing to remember, aware now of someone else in the bed. He didn’t want to open his eyes because he knew it wasn’t Callum. Oh god, it’s not Callum, he thought in anguish. Turning to the edge of the bed, breathing deeply to keep the nausea at bay, he opened his eyes wondering if his clothes were nearby and spotted his shoes and trousers. They’d do for a start. He slipped down onto the floor and crawled to his pile of clothes, pulling on trousers and shoes. His shirt was across the room but, as he pulled it on, he realised what he didn’t have. No wallet. No watch. No phone. FUCK!

Finally, he plucked up courage and looked at the other figure in the bed, seeing a head of soft brown curls. Fucking Johnny Carter! Ben was furious and, ignoring the frantic spin in his head and the vomit swelling into his mouth, he jumped on the bed and pushed Johnny’s chest with both hands.

“What the fuck, Johnny?” he shouted. Johnny stared at him through bleary eyes.

“What?” he groused grumpily, closing his eyes and turning away from Ben.

“Why did I wake up naked in … is this even your bed?” Ben looked around the miniscule room at the broken furniture and the stained curtains. It was definitely not The Queen Victoria pub where Johnny lived.

“Get lost, Ben,” came a muffled voice from Johnny.

“I am lost,” replied Ben angrily. “Where the fuck am I? And where’re my things? My watch, my wallet and phone?”

“Not your mummy, Ben. Just fuck off, will you?” Johnny had his face pressed firmly into the grimy pillow. Ben climbed off the bed and turned the room over, searching for his things. He shoved his pants in his pocket as he found them but there was no sign of any of the missing items. Leaving the room, he could see they were in a shared house, a squat maybe. It was filthy, broken and full of people. One of these fuckers had his stuff but he knew they would never give it up. He left the building, stopping briefly to throw up the contents of his stomach, and started walking, hoping that at some point he would see something familiar.

+++

When he got home, Callum turned on the TV just in time to see the fireworks on the south bank finishing which meant he and Ben had not seen in the new year together and, suddenly, he felt sorry, more sorry than he’d ever felt about anything. He wasn’t overly sentimental about New Year’s Eve. Why was it any more significant than any other night? Not seeing in the new year with Ben meant nothing but he needed to know where he was. He sent Ben a text asking him to check in and sat for a while on the big sofa. Robbie came to join him and Callum stroked his scruffy little head and tickled him behind the ears. He knew he was over-complicating things and catastrophising, thinking that Ben didn’t want to be with him tonight – he was confident that was definitely not true; Ben, for his part, was usually as guilty of imagining the worst but tended to resort to damaging behaviour to blot out his confusion and distress, something that Callum knew about him. Callum focused, knowing that he needed to find Ben as he would be in trouble somewhere having drunk as much as he had with pills on top. He grabbed his coat and headed back out, appalled with himself for leaving Ben to fend for himself.

It felt like it took longer than usual to get to The Albert and Callum was already feeling panicked when he walked through the door. It was just after two in the morning and the place was heaving. He scouted around seeing nobody that he knew. Where were they all? He sent a quick text to Ben.

_At The Albert and can’t find you. X_

He could easily imagine Ben was out of it so he sent another text, this time to Ollie.

_Where are you all?_

Leaving The Albert, he started to walk back through the empty market and, as he reached the other end of the street, he sat down on a bench reminded of when he and Ben had been attacked in this very spot just for loving each other. It was a strange place for clarity but Callum had a sense of the thoughts in his head settling. He thought about their argument of the past two days. He wanted a baby because he thought it would be lovely and he wanted to have that experience with Ben. It was an understandable reason, probably a common reason for people having babies. But he and Ben already had three children and they were constantly busy. Was he desperate for another child? At this moment, he understood clearly that he wasn’t; he felt that his family was complete as it was. Ben didn’t want a baby and Callum hadn’t bothered to ask him why not but he thought it was probably because he didn’t want another child and Ben, unlike Callum, fully grasped that a baby meant another child. They barely had enough time to focus on each other as it was; that would only be more difficult with another child.

Another question popped into his head. His life with Ben was amazing so why was he wanting it to be even more amazing? It was enough, he believed that whole-heartedly. Was this really all about his tragic childhood and a baby represented a rerun for him? He was over-analysing, it was his way, but that didn’t make his thoughts invalid. This thought, that a baby was a chance to do things right, made a lot of sense but he was taken back to Ben’s comment on this: it wasn’t a good reason to have a child.

His phone buzzed as a text came in from Ollie.

_You all disappeared so I went home._

He replied straightaway.

_Sorry Ols. Did you see where Ben went? I’ve lost him._

There was a delay before Ollie got back to him.

_No_

That was odd, thought Callum. Ollie usually wrote long texts, full of explanation with correct spellings and punctuation and always a full stop at the end.

 _You ok_? he sent

 _No_ came the message back, then

_Got some stuff to think about. We’ll talk soon, I promise. Sorry I can’t help about Ben._

Callum was shocked to see the time was almost half past three in the morning. That meant he had been sitting on the bench for an hour and yet it had felt like just a few minutes. Ben could be back by now, he thought with a burst of hopefulness, so he stood up and set off for home.

+++

The road signs told Ben that he was somewhere in Docklands. He couldn’t walk home from here – it would take hours - but he had no money and no phone and, worse than that, he didn’t know Callum’s number ‘cause he never dialled it so he couldn’t even ask to use a stranger’s phone. He sat on the pavement, feeling completely lost. The sour taste of vomit persisted in his mouth and he could smell his own stench. He fell on his side and curled up in a ball on the filthy pavement and wondered where he’d left his coat. It was freezing and he was only wearing trousers and a shirt. No socks. What the fuck was he thinking not wearing socks? He was such a fucking loser.

Eventually, he stood up. He had no choice. He had to walk.

As dawn broke, he was walking through the new park. Stuart and Whitney lived about twenty minutes’ walk from here and then Callum and he lived about half an hour’s walk further on. He could do another hour, he thought, although the first thing he was going to do when he got home was bin these stupid slip-ons. No socks and ridiculous shoes. He really was an idiot.

It was a little further than he imagined and, passing the church, he could see it was almost nine. As he approached the house, he registered that he had also lost his keys … along with his wallet with his driving licence with his address on it, he realised. Shit! Looking in through the living room window from the street, he could see the back of Callum’s head as he sat on the big sofa. He loved Callum so much, more than he could comprehend most of the time. How could he have slept with Johnny? He was totally disgusted with himself. Walking across the front garden, he tapped gently on the window causing Callum to leap up in fright. The relief on his face when he saw Ben was everything Ben needed. As he opened the front door, Callum pulled Ben towards him and held him wrapped tight in his long arms.

“You smell awful,” he murmured, face in Ben’s hair. “But I am so fucking relieved you’re home. I was just about to call Johnny. Thought he might know where you were.” He felt Ben stiffen in his arms. “What?” He held Ben away from him, examining him carefully. “Are you okay, Ben?”

Ben shook his head. It was confession time and he was terrified about the conversation ahead of him. Callum saw his fear and his breath faltered as he worried what Ben might be about to say.

“I’ve got stuff to tell you about last night but first we need to organise some things. I have had my house keys, wallet, phone and watch stolen. My wallet had my driving licence in it so we need to change the locks. And we need to stop my cards and my phone. Then I’ll get a shower and then we’ll talk.”

The practical tasks helped to distract Callum slightly. It was New Year’s Day and finding a locksmith who would come out was problematic but, in the end, Ollie came through with a contact who had been, done the job and gone by mid-afternoon.

“I normally have the key ring with my car keys on,” said Ben. “It’s kind of a relief that I couldn’t find it before we went out so I took the spare house keys or we’d have to change the locks on the cars which would be a massive hassle.” It was a very small relief as his hangover was still murderous and he was almost faint with fear about talking to Callum. Whilst Callum went to take Robbie out, he stood in the shower having a quiet weep. He didn’t think this was going to end him and Callum but it would hurt Callum a lot and they would be different afterwards. He couldn’t believe he had been so careless.

Downstairs, Ben sat in the dining room. It was their place for serious talks. Then he moved to the room off the kitchen. It was another place for serious chats but had the wall of photo tiles to remind them of all that they loved. Maybe the big sofa in the living room was the right place, he thought, walking through to the front of the house. Difficult conversations had been had here as well. He was starting to think their life together had been full of strife when he heard Callum’s new key in the new lock. Robbie rushed in and Callum called him back to the mat to get his paws wiped. As soon as they had been done, Robbie bounded in to see Ben, his daft face grinning with pleasure at seeing his favourite. It had been almost an hour after all. Callum stood in the doorway, hair windswept, cheeks red. Ben saw how happy Robbie was and how relaxed Callum was and felt sad that he was about to spoil it.

“Come and sit down,” he said, trying to keep his face hopeful. Callum saw right through him and sat on the other end of the sofa.

“We need some distance between us for this?” he asked. Ben nodded despairingly. “So?” questioned Callum. “Whatever it is, just say it, and then we’ll see.” Ben nodded again. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

“When I came round this morning, or middle of the night really, I was in a house, like a squat, in a room … in a bed … hmm … naked.” He hung his head in shame. “With Johnny Carter.”

“Was he naked as well?” Callum’s question came as a surprise. It wasn’t the one Ben expected.

“I actually don’t know,” said Ben, scouring his memory. “When I woke up, I didn’t look. I just wanted to get out of there.” Johnny had been under the covers, only his head had been visible. Were there other clothes on the floor? Ben remembered that there were. “But I think he might have been. There were clothes on the floor.”

“Did you have sex with him?” This was the question Ben had known Callum would ask and he’d thought he would be confessing to his crimes but Callum’s first question had made him think twice.

“I actually don’t know,” he repeated. “But I’m guessing probably ‘cause I was naked and I think he might have been. I don’t remember leaving The Albert let alone anythin’ after that.” Ben had experienced blackout several times in his life but he had never had sex with someone without knowing it. This was a first.

“You know he has been around Thailand shagging anything with a heartbeat?” Callum stared at Ben unsympathetically. “You’ll need to get yourself checked out.” His gaze was hard and pitiless, making Ben feel small and even more worthless. But Ben had expected anger, tears – Callum was ordinarily emotionally honest; he wore his heart on his sleeve.

“That’s all?” he queried, bewildered by Callum’s reaction. “I was thinkin’ you might be bothered about me havin’ sex with another man.”

“Did you do it to make me bothered?” snapped Callum, the emotion finally revealing itself. “’Cause if you did, maybe you should give yourself a pat on the back.” He leaned towards Ben, eyes full of tears, anger and hurt. “’Cause I’m DEVASTATED.” He sat back, throwing his head against the back of the sofa, his face contorted in pain. “I hate that you’ve been with someone else without a thought for me, for us. I don’t want to think about what you did – I can’t bear it.” A wretched sob burst out of him and he dropped his head forward, his shoulders heaving and shaking as he cried. Ben cried along with him not knowing what he could do to make this better and hating himself for hurting his beloved husband like this. Eventually Callum’s sobs subsided and he raised his head. “I don’t know what I think about Johnny. He’s supposed to be my friend. I can’t let it into my head ‘cause … I don’t know, I don’t have space at the minute.” He sat forward again, knees and face angled towards Ben, wanting to be heard. “But … Ben … I can’t believe I left you. I watched you down at least six whiskies. I saw you popping pills. And I decided to leave you there. I should have been looking after you, bringing you home.”

“I was behaving badly, pushing you away,” reasoned Ben. Callum shuffled nearer and grabbed Ben’s hands.

“Yes but I KNOW you. I know you self-destruct. And when you self-destruct, it is my job to be there, make sure you don’t go too far and put you back together when necessary.” Their eyes connected so that they were witness to each other’s swirling pits of confusion, regret and distress. “I’m sorry,” whispered Callum.

“God, Callum … babe … it’s me who should be sorry not you … and I am … so, so sorry,” said Ben, his voice breaking with contrition. They stared at each other for a few moments seeing that there was to be no easy reconciliation. Ben had a tendency to self-destruct. Callum had a tendency to lose his temper. They were both disappointed in themselves and in each other. Their hands fell apart as there didn’t seem to be anything else to say.

“Can you go and stay at your mum’s? There’s nobody there.” Callum looked at the floor while asking his question not wanting to see Ben’s reaction.

“What? No, Callum, no,” Ben pleaded. “We can’t fix it if we’re not together.”

“Just one night. I am tired and I can’t think straight. I need some time, some space, to think about last night. Come back tomorrow, in the evening.” He had an overwhelming urge to run away and be by himself but he wanted to be careful to give Ben hope as he, of all people, knew his husband was fragile. “We’re for all time, Ben, I promise. But I need to have a break from … everything. Just a day. Please, just give me a day.”

Ben stood up, tears falling, and went upstairs to pack some things. He moved around their bedroom, collecting clothes and toiletries, looking at their beautiful painting above their bed and remembering where it represented and the happiness he had felt in that place. He sat on the chair near the window, breathing in the comfort offered by the house, looking out at the courtyard garden and seeing it sleeping peacefully. He really didn’t want to leave.

After Ben left, knowing he needed to rest and the best place to do that was their bedroom, Callum went to bed. He could smell Ben in their bed and moved over to his side of the bed to feel closer to him. Above his head, he could see their painting of the beach in Dorset. It wasn’t the exact beach that meant so much to him and Ben, but even from his upside down vantage point he remembered their special place and how he had felt knowing how much he loved Ben and Ben loved him. He wanted to believe that this love was going to save them from this mess they were in but tonight, he had nothing left, no energy to put things right. He could see how he had constructed this problem that they were struggling to solve and he was also beginning to understand why he had done it. He was in pain, plagued with anxieties that his amazing life was, in fact, another of his creations, too good to be true. A baby was his way of trying to cement it all and was definitely not the right choice for Ben and him. He was beginning to see more clearly that his incredible life was true, it was real, although he was still struggling to see how somebody like him, as damaged as him, had ended up in it. It was truly unbelievable and, maybe, as magically as it had happened, maybe it could unhappen.

He didn’t believe for a minute that Ben had intended to cheat on him with Johnny. That didn’t mean it didn’t hurt to think of them getting it on – he was floored by the thought of it and was determined to get to the bottom of what had happened – but it would not have been intimate, it would have been purely physical. There was no way Ben would have fallen for somebody else. He had been thoughtless and reckless and Callum, knowing he had this streak in him, had just left him to make mistakes. What did it mean that he had walked away from Ben when he was self-destructing? He had let his beautiful, precious husband down and, whatever Ben had done, Callum believed that they shared responsibility. He had pushed Ben to the point where he became his worst self and had then stood by and let him unravel. He promised himself that he would learn from this.

Ben trudged round to his mum’s, Robbie right by him, backpack slung over his shoulder. He curled up on his old bed, his dog moulded to his side. He had been so strong since getting together with Callum, able to keep himself on a constructive path and suppress the self-destructive habits that would always be a part of him. He didn’t think a baby was a good choice for him and Callum and he wanted to be truthful about that; they both deserved the honesty. But he should have stated his position and then accepted that one of them had to give in and, on this occasion, it should have been him. He knew Callum had wanted to persuade him to change his mind so that it wasn’t a question of giving in but he should have tried harder to explain that it was ok sometimes to think oppositely and for one party to yield. He wanted to send Callum a text, just to make contact, but he didn’t have a phone. Trying to focus on what Callum had said, that he just needed some rest, that they were for all time, he was struggling to feel hopeful and he wept solidly. In the middle of the night, he hit a patch of resolve and decided he would go and get some support so that he could manage his worst urges; his last counsellor had been very effective and had helped him a lot so he decided to go back to see him. But the positivity didn’t last for long and soon he was again unable to stop crying.


	4. Problems

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note there are mentions of rape and sexual assault in this chapter.

**SATURDAY 2:1**

The following morning at first light, exhausted after his sleepless night, Ben borrowed his mum’s car and drove out to the Essex coast. Robbie’s clear enthusiasm for the outing lifted his spirits a little and he selected one of his playlists named Us that was a compilation of every song that was part of his and Callum’s story, thinking it might get him all the way out of his doldrums. It somewhat worked making him smile and cry as he remembered the many happy times; his emotions were in hyperdrive. He and Callum were amazing together; they were each other’s one for all time, of this he was certain … and he was equally certain that all time would include some painful times, some challenging times, some testing times. That was life in all its glory and Ben was determined to embrace all of it.

It was a bit of a journey, an hour and a half, plenty of time for weeping along to tunes, but, when he got to his destination, the bracing wind and Robbie’s enjoyment of his ball on the beach restored him. It would be amazing to be as unfailingly upbeat as a dog, reflected Ben, wondering if there was any way he could curtail some of the miserable part of his nature. Probably not – he wasn’t a dog, after all. As a city boy born and bred, Ben was often surprised at how much he enjoyed unspoiled nature - the fewer people and buildings, the better he liked it. He always found the sea to be a particularly strong fortifier and stood for a long time watching it advance and recede, trying to work out if the tide was going out or coming in, looking at the greys and silvers shimmering despite the gloomy light of this dull day, and listening to the rush of the water across the sand. He lay on the sand with his eyes closed for a while, barely conscious of the slight damp seeping into his clothes, simply listening to the shush of the surf as it quietened him.

Briefly appreciating the human impact on the environment, he wandered to a small parade of shops not far from the beach and found a chippy open. He took it as a good omen. His mum, being a woman of her time and not having grasped the modern phenomenon of parking apps, had a purse full of coins to pay for parking and Ben sent a telepathic message of thanks as he bought fish and chips. Taking them back down to the sea, he contentedly ate them sitting on the sand, sharing his fish with Robbie. He absolutely loved his daft mutt for his unwavering affection, his worries falling away as he looked into those big brown eyes and saw the uncomplicated adoration looking back. The only thing that he wanted to improve the day was Callum. He would have liked it there, Ben was sure of that. He looked to his side and imagined Callum sitting there, his big smile across his face, his deep blue eyes, much like Robbie’s, full of adoration and love. He missed him so much.

The tide was coming in, Ben realised, and looking at his watch, he saw with a start that it was past four in the afternoon.

“Come on best boy,” he urged Robbie, sitting serenely by his side then standing as Ben stood. “Let’s go and sort out our life, eh?”

+++

Waking up groggy rather than rested and much later than usual, Callum had to stand under a hot shower to rouse himself. This was now the second night he had spent away from Ben in less than a week after eighteen months of being together every night and he had hated every second. Maybe it would have been okay if there was a positive reason for being apart but like this it was awful. His thoughts were still swirling but positive threads were emerging: he and Ben loved each other, Ben would not betray this love, Ben was an idiot sometimes and Callum accepted that about him, maybe even loved that about him. The thought of Johnny and Ben getting together was just confusing. Not only could Callum not make any sense of Ben sleeping with Johnny, he couldn’t make any sense of Johnny sleeping with Ben. They could both be reckless and stupid but Ben loved him with a passion, Callum was certain of that, and Johnny was one of his best friends and wouldn’t deliberately hurt him. However unsavoury the details, the story needed to be unpicked. To address the problem of Johnny and Ben, Callum called Ollie and discussed his fledgling plan, getting a very uncertain reception but Ollie could understand what Callum was trying to achieve and promised to do what he could to help.

Missing his family enormously, Callum climbed to the second floor. He and Ben had managed a call to the children the previous evening before Ben had left but Callum wasn’t convinced their bonhomie had been convincing, especially where Lexi was concerned. She was a sharp one. Her bed was still rumpled from Ben being in it a few nights earlier and Callum straightened out the covers, tidied up after her general messiness and picked up her washing to take downstairs. He dropped it off in the first floor laundry and went to collect the boys’ dirty clothes. Their room was spotless and he was momentarily swamped by sadness as he recognised that the care for their possessions was probably born out of their insecurities. Roman and Tyler never took anything for granted and Callum couldn’t help but feel it was because they thought it all might disappear as quickly as it had appeared. But he was confident everything was going to work out and felt the reassuring sense of the house surrounding him and his family, protecting them and keeping them safe. It was time to get everybody home.

Callum wanted to text Ben, just to make contact, but Ben didn’t have a phone. He was missing him so much it felt like a physical weight inside of him and he couldn’t wait for him to walk through the door causing him to wonder what time Ben would be back. It would be in character for Ben to interpret evening as mid-afternoon, firstly, because he was always impatient to get on with anything that needed to be done, and, secondly, because he liked to go to bed early so his evening necessarily started earlier. Reflecting on both of these character traits yearningly, Callum got dressed and ready straightaway just in case Ben turned up. Ben, however, keen to show off his most considerate side, had tried to interpret evening as what he imagined Callum would think it was, so turned up at six, by which time Callum was feeling impatient.

“You need to get changed,” he said looking Ben up and down as he walked in, still wearing his joggers and hoodie, stained and sandy from his day at the coast. “We’ve got people coming round.” Ben looked at him incredulously. Why on earth would Callum have planned an evening socialising? Surely they should be talking to each other not to other people.

“What? Who?” It was the last thing Ben wanted. He wanted to talk to Callum – he needed to talk to Callum. Nothing was more important than that and, knowing it needed to happen, he wanted to get on with it. Small talk around guests would be torture.

“Go and get dressed. They’re going to be here in half an hour and we need to call the kids first.” Although he avoided answering the question, Callum attempted a reassuring smile and Ben, grateful for the slim pickings, accepted it. Ten minutes later, he was down in his skinny jeans and a dark red polo shirt, hair brushed forward with the fringe coiffed back as he liked it, smelling gorgeous. Normally, Callum would have had eyes for this sort of entry – Ben was incredibly sexy – but he needed to keep a clear head and it wasn’t going to be helpful to think of Ben in this way at this point. He needed to stay focused on his plan and his nerves were jangling. Calling the children helped to calm them both although, as they rang off to a chorus of “love you daddies”, they both were a little teary. Their fingers had found each other and they held on tight offering mutual succour. The chime of the doorbell brought them back to their difficult moment and Callum went to the front of the house to open the front door.

Ben could hear voices as Callum brought his guest through to the kitchen, recognising Ollie’s voice before he appeared. Callum’s plan was bold but Ollie thought it could also go horribly wrong and he came into the room apprehensively, looking sideways at Ben. Ben got him a beer and deduced by the look he was given that Callum had told Ollie about him and Johnny. That was awkward. Despite Ollie accepting the situation with his ex and being sanguine about it, Ben knew he still loved Johnny so he was now worried what Ollie might think of him, although it couldn’t be any more disgusted than he felt with himself. He valued Ollie’s friendship and was distressed that he had done something to threaten it. Feelings of worthlessness stampeded in, planting their flag in his fragile psyche. He was a terrible husband and an awful friend. Was he being a fool, sitting here and hoping that Callum had a plan to fix what he had broken?

Ollie watched Ben’s torment, perfectly visible in his face and body. He was well aware that his friend was an expert self-saboteur but he, like Callum, felt some responsibility for watching him drink far too much and take drugs. Unlike Callum, he had the added burden of knowing that he had stood by and watched Johnny dragging a half-comatose Ben out of The Albert and hadn’t stepped forward to stop him. It had placed Ben in a vulnerable and dangerous position and he and Callum were answerable for that. And Johnny, of course. Johnny was definitely answerable.

Callum flicked his gaze between Ollie and Ben. There was a tension there and he hated to see Ben’s guilt even though, Callum could see, Ollie was not blaming him. Ollie was obviously very nervous of the part he had to play in the conversation and perched on a stool, stood up, paced the room in a repetitive sequence.

“Ollie,” said Callum, hoping that just saying his name would calm him. As Ollie stopped still and looked at him, Ben saw the silent conversation and realised they had a plan. What was becoming clear to him now was that Callum intended to tackle the impact of the events of New Year’s Eve head on - it was typical of Callum and Ben could hear him in his head: _“We don’t lie to each other”_. It also meant that Johnny would have been invited to this little gathering and Ben wondered how Callum had persuaded him to turn up. It seemed unlikely to him that Johnny would have wanted to spend the evening with his ex, his fling and his fling’s husband.

Sure enough, before long, Johnny arrived. Ben let him in and led him towards the back of the house.

“Oh, sneaky,” Johnny groused as he entered the kitchen, glaring at Callum then turning to Ben. “I take it you didn’t send me a text on Callum’s phone.” He held up his phone for Ben to see.

_Using C’s phone, mine lost. Will delete this msg. Come round tonight 6:30. C out. Need to talk to you. Ben_

Ben looked up at Callum, somewhat impressed at his scheming. Callum shrugged at him unapologetically and led them all to the dining table where he’d put out beers and nibbles for the four of them. Ben smiled inwardly - Callum was going to war and he’d put out refreshments. God, he loved him. They were all on edge but took their seats, glances flicking back and forth between them, as they tried to figure out the rules for this new situation. Each one of them was thinking about the many evenings they had sat around this table, eating and drinking, playing cards, enjoying their friendship and could scarcely believe how they had ended up at this point. Ben was devastated that his actions had brought them here. He was such a pointless knob.

The first shot was from Callum.

“YOU,” he accused Johnny, pointing his finger at him threateningly, his voice shaking, “gave my husband drugs then seduced him and slept with him.” Johnny’s eyes widened at the charge and, after a second or two of shock, he huffed a little laugh that didn’t quite hide his nerves but he took aim nonetheless. Shot two.

“He’s a big boy,” he said as he tipped his head to the side, narrowing his eyes with a sly smile, his meaning explicit, “and he wasn’t innocent in this.” He wasn’t proud of the insinuation in his words. The truth was that Johnny felt deeply ashamed of himself but he didn’t want to admit it not least because he was angry about being ambushed.

“You’re one of my closest friends Johnny,” said Callum sadly, giving up the fight immediately. He did not want to scrap with his friend. Johnny looked extremely abashed at that. “How could you?”

“I … he … he was up for it, Callum. I was up for it. We’re two young gay men who were up for it.” He could see this wasn’t going to end well for him but he was feeling stubborn so tipped his chin upwards in a pretence at defiance even though the weight of his wrongdoings was almost crushing him.

“Johnny,” warned Ollie. “We’re all friends. What were you thinking?”

Pushing his chair back noisily, Johnny stood up and glared at them all.

“Well thank you FRIENDS, but I don’t need the intervention,” he snapped, turning to leave, desperate to get out of there. Ollie held him still with a hand to his arm.

“This isn’t about you,” he snarled. “it’s about Callum and Ben and what you’ve done to them.” Ollie’s anger radiated from him but his voice cooled, becoming clinical and measured. “Ben doesn’t remember anything so … … you raped him.” He gulped at the word as the colour drained from both Ben’s and Johnny’s faces and a brittle silence pervaded the room. Callum’s head was hung low, stopped from hitting the table by virtue of being propped up by his hands, but he was visibly trembling. Ollie took a deep breath and continued. “You have hurt Callum with your abuse of his husband and your complete disregard for him as your friend. You’ve caused problems for their relationship. And knowing where you’ve been sticking your dick over the last three months, who knows what you’ve given Ben. Those are terrible things to have done but far, far worse is taking advantage of Ben when he was unable to consent.”

“I did NOT rape him.” Johnny sat down again, horrified at the accusation.

“So you’ve said - he was up for it,” said Callum, more upset than angry and needing to know what Ben had done to give off this signal. He had seen men, strangers, touching his husband on New Year’s Eve as he danced. Not touching – assaulting! Nobody had ever assaulted him so why did it happen to Ben? Was being sexy an open invitation? Callum didn’t think so and was aggrieved on Ben’s behalf.

“What made you think I was up for it? What did I do?” asked Ben quietly. He needed to know what he was capable of in a blackout state, how he had put himself at such risk. Johnny sighed and put his head on his arms resting on the table, eyes down.

“Do you know how sexy you are in your tight jeans, shaking your backside, eyes flashing, sucking at your lip like you do? You were definitely sending a message.” Johnny knew in his heart that this wasn’t true and that none of them here believed it for a minute. Ben had given him no encouragement. And even if he had, it didn’t change anything about consent. “So, I took you to that party … or house, I’m not even sure it was where we were originally going … and you were off your head, kept asking for Callum. Where’s Callum? I need Callum, on and on. Then you passed out and I found us a bed so I could lie you down. When you came round, you thought I was Callum, and I thought, yeah, I can be Callum. God, I’m sorry, it was unforgiveable.” He stopped talking and wrapped his arms around his head. He didn’t want to carry on - it was excruciatingly embarrassing - but he knew he had to give a full and honest account. These were his best friends and they deserved it. “And you were fooled, sort of, and took your clothes off but the second I kissed you, you knew and you pulled away fast, like I was … repulsive … and you fell over. When I went to help you get up, you were passed out again. So I put you on the bed. And that was it.”

Johnny had his head covered completely by his arms. He did not want to see his friends’ faces. Would they even be his friends after this? He couldn’t imagine a world where they would get over this and be the tight foursome they had once been. What had he been thinking? The friendship of these men was one of the most precious things in his life and he had knowingly jeopardised it by doing something so wrong he could barely think of it.

“I’m sorry, really, so so sorry,” he mumbled, his voice hoarse and cracked. “Unforgiveable I know … so unforgiveable … but I am sorry, honestly.”

Callum’s and Ben’s relief was palpable. Privately, Ben was feeling quite proud of himself – even in a barely conscious state, he had been all about Callum. He hadn’t fucked up - he was conveniently glossing over the drink and the drugs and putting himself at risk of harm – and he hadn’t betrayed Callum. Their eyes caught onto each other and Callum saw Ben’s remorse and relief and Ben saw Callum’s support and forgiveness. Ollie watched them and saw that they now needed to be alone.

“Come on, Johnny,” he said, pulling him to his feet and then in for a hug, recognising Johnny’s deep shame and embarrassment and, despite everything, wanting to offer him some comfort. “You stupid twat,” he said as he kissed his hair. “We’re going,” he said to Callum and Ben, “we’ll let ourselves out,” and he blew kisses at them and manhandled his ex to the front door.

Ben couldn’t get out of his chair quick enough to get to Callum, throwing himself onto his lap, wrapping his arms around his neck, almost strangling him.

“God, I am so relieved. I couldn’t believe I would have done it but it didn’t look good. I was stunned when I came round and saw where I was. But you heard him, babe, yeah? I was ALL about you.” Callum couldn’t help but laugh.

“Only you could be the hero in a story of a drunken, druggy trip to a filthy squat where you ended up naked with another man,” he smiled, hugging Ben back, feeling the shape of him, so familiar and revitalising. He could have very easily got lost in the warmth of Ben’s body but there were other difficult but important issues to address. He pulled away, getting Ben’s attention and his face fell serious. “I haven’t got the energy to talk about why we ended up in such a state right now. Can we do that tomorrow? We need to do more talking but I’m done for today. I can’t do any more. I just want to go to bed … with you,” he added, noticing Ben’s immediate panic. Deep inside Ben, there would always be a part of him that felt that he didn’t deserve Callum leading to a fear that one day Callum would realise and he would lose him. Deep inside Callum, there was a fear that this amazing life could be lost. The similarities to his reflection earlier that day about Roman and Tyler weren’t lost on Callum. It was his job to look after his family, to help them to feel secure and, with this in mind, he reached for Ben and pulled him in for a hug, kissing his forehead.

“I love you Ben. We’re going to work our way through this together. You trust me?”

Ben nodded. He knew they had to fix what was wrong by talking first, or, as it was to be, sleeping first and talking second. As his tears fell, he wondered when he was going to stop crying so much and if he would ever feel worthy of Callum. Callum was a much better person than he was; he was a waste of space but he was going to do so much better in future because he fervently wanted this life. Callum gently kissed his tears away and concentrated on breathing deeply, conscious of the circling wolves of anxiety.

They cleared away, taking a breather through the routine task, and then went upstairs, Ben tentatively following Callum as though he needed permission to be there.

“I love you, babe, I really do. It’s huge and wonderful and amazing,” Ben said, once they were upstairs in bed and he was facing Callum across the pillows. Callum reached across and cupped his cheek, smiling when Ben pressed his face into his palm, a gesture so common to him that made him look especially young and vulnerable. Callum cherished that Ben trusted him enough to be like this; he had come a long way from the man with the defensive armour he wore when they first met. He kissed him gently on the lips, feeling the familiar beginnings of arousal. Their eyes were tethered, communicating their understanding of why they were waiting.

“I love you too. It’s beautiful, you’re right. Now turn over, I’m going to spoon you.” Ben obediently flipped to face the other way. “I just find it really easy to sleep like this,” murmured Callum, asleep within seconds. Ben luxuriated in his arms, utterly grateful for what he had with Callum, just for a minute before he too was asleep.

+++

“Do you think they’re going to hate me now?” Johnny was holding hands with Ollie, steadied by the familiarity, a small comfort given the tornado in his head. He had done some stupid things in his life, particularly over the last three months, but this was definitely a new low.

“Pills, Johnny. Since when?” Ollie was concerned about a few things he had heard over the past couple of weeks about Johnny. This was just one of them.

“Have you ever taken anything? You can’t imagine how amazing they make you feel.” Johnny was not going to apologise about the drugs. He loved getting high. One of the reasons Johnny had become bored with Ollie was the lack of risk-taking. He wanted to get out there, sleep with different men, take things he shouldn’t, do things he shouldn’t. He wanted to feel alive. Seeing Ollie today, he was aware that he had a deep connection with his ex and holding his hand now gave him a sense of belonging and he could admit it to himself – he loved Ollie. It was just that he wanted this later; he was twenty-three and it was too young for settling down. Ollie was ten years older than him; it was different for him.

“I’m a lawyer, Johnny. I have to be law-abiding. But okay, let’s go back to mine. I’ll try whatever you say.” Ollie was tired and sad and the thought of blotting out all of his pain was extremely appealing. He stopped and looked at Johnny with his soft brown curls framing his pale face, green eyes staring out, lost and broken, and his heart cracked a little bit more. He’d gone through a lot to be with Johnny: first coming out to his family and then loving a white boy – it had been seen as a double betrayal of his roots. Actually triple – they also didn’t approve of him being with somebody ten years younger than him and, even worse, his student; Johnny had only been nineteen at the time and was taking a module that Ollie was teaching. But as much as Ollie loved his family, he had loved Johnny more and was prepared to face their disapproval.

“Yeah?” said Johnny. He hadn’t been with anybody who cared about him since he split from Ollie and the thought that this might lead to a night of delicious debauchery that actually meant something was very tempting.

“I’m not having sex with you, John,” clarified Ollie. “I won’t even be kissing you. You are going to be full of disease, you know that right?” His heart sank as he remembered that Johnny had been prepared to put Ben at risk. “It’s bad enough that you risk it with strangers, but Ben?” Johnny’s shoulders slumped and he started to cry.

“Do you think they’ll forgive me?” Johnny knew he was asking a significant question. Callum, Ben, Ollie: they were his closest friends. When they had split, Ollie promised to stay friends; he had said they would not lose their importance to each other. That promise meant the world to Johnny as he needed these three men in his life. Having fun, wild sex and druggy highs were things he wanted in his life at this time but not at the expense of losing his close relationships.

“If you’re genuinely sorry, then yes.” Ollie pulled him in for a hug. “You know I love you, John, but we ARE over as lovers,” he whispered into his curls voicing his thoughts from a day of mulling things over. “I want us never to be over as friends.”

Johnny held on tight knowing that this was letting go.

**SUNDAY 3:1**

The crisp, blue January day sliced through a break in the curtains bringing with it energy and life, like the promise of a new beginning. Callum was awake first and, for the first time in days, couldn’t wait to get on with the day. He snuck out of bed, wanting Ben to wake in his own time, and headed downstairs. Robbie joined him although Callum knew that as soon as he had been in the garden he would be straight back upstairs to occupy the space vacated by Callum. As much as Robbie adored Callum, Ben was his favourite.

Callum decided on baking: breakfast muffins, hot cinnamon rolls – his favourite, Ben’s favourite. There was a rhythm about cooking that was grounding and restorative for him. As he worked, he looked around the kitchen, reflecting that it was the one room that had not been refurbished. The cupboards were old-fashioned and, if he was being practical, at the end of their life. He could remember his grandad having this kitchen installed more than twenty years ago, his face as clear in Callum’s memory as if he’d been there in the room.

“Time for a new kitchen, grandad?” he asked. The old man nodded. “Do you like what we’ve done with the house?” He was rewarded with a big smile, similar to his own and to Roman’s and Tyler’s. They were all so like their ancestor: tall and handsome, with big dark eyes, a smile to die for and a thick head of hair; gentle, fun-loving and full of integrity. It was a wonderful legacy.

“What d’ya think of Ben, grandad?” The old man smiled at him, approving and loving. “He’s amazing, isn’t he? Why do you think I’m worrying I might lose him?” He felt arms around him, telling him not to worry.

Muffins in the oven, rolls proving, he set about preparing some fruit, determined to make his fresh start a healthy start, moving onto rooting around in the cupboard for everything he need to make his special mocha coffee. The small table was set in the room off the kitchen, muffins were pulled out and set aside to cool, rolls went in and, finally, Ben appeared. Callum’s heart did a little flip as he saw him saunter into the kitchen, sleepy hair, stretching his shoulders and arms as he walked revealing his soft tummy, tight hips held in his joggers. Ben oozed sex appeal and Callum was almost for abandoning all control. He took a deep breath and opened his arms to receive his husband as he came towards him.

“Wow! This smells delicious. Cinnamon rolls, babe, for me?” He reached up to kiss Callum.

“The way to your heart is definitely via your stomach,” taunted Callum. “But yeah, they just need another twenty minutes.” He pulled Ben to sit down at the counter. “I’m gonna start the talking,” he said, caressing Ben’s cheek as he saw his happy expression falter, “’cause I know what I want to say.” Ben nodded mutely, reflecting that it was becoming a standard response for him to not trust himself to speak. He was worried about this conversation knowing that he and Callum were both determined to be their authentic selves – and rightly so, there was no hope for them otherwise - and, if there was conflict, they would find it difficult to back down. But he was determined to be brave.

“Okay, Callum Mitchell-Highway, speak your truth.” His anxious eyes searched Callum’s for clues but Callum was concentrating on getting his thoughts in order and was looking inwards.

“I’ve thought about it and I can see it now. I got carried away with domestic bliss,” explained Callum. “We are like the most scrumptious cake,” his smile broke out as Ben licked his lips, “the children are like the icing on our cake and it felt, to me, like a baby with you would be like the cherry on top.”

“Not one of those horrible, sticky, red ones?” asked Ben with distaste on his face.

“Idiot,” laughed Callum, his voice then becoming wistful. “It was a lovely thought, like a daydream you have every moment you can ‘cause you like it so much.” Ben was touched deeply by the idea that Callum’s daydreams centred around their life together. He wasn’t disposed to daydreaming but he knew this was because he feared disappointment; he loved that Callum nurtured a hopeful soul. Callum’s large hand cupped his cheek, eyes speaking of his deep love for his husband. “So, I wanted it to be a dream come true. I thought it was possible.”

“It is possible, babe,” said Ben, grasping Callum’s hand on his face, willing to give him the world if he wanted it.

“I know,” agreed Callum, understanding that Ben was not denying him or thwarting him. “But, then I realised that I was trying to find ways to make things even more perfect as a way of securing everything so that I could feel completely confident that it was never going to disappear. A baby shouldn’t be for that.” He paused, replaying mentally what he had just said, hoping it was clear. He could see Ben was listening carefully so he carried on. “Then I started to think about WHY you didn’t want it … don’t interrupt, I know you would want it if it’s what I want … anyway, I thought about why you didn’t want it and I realised that you were thinking of a whole life, like not just a baby but a child, then a teenager, then a young adult and so on, but I was just thinking of a baby, frozen in time, a lovely addition to our perfect life. When I thought about a whole life, yeah it could be exciting and we could definitely manage, but … I don’t know how to explain it … it’s not that I don’t want it … or maybe it is … I wouldn’t be against another child …”

“Thought you knew what you wanted to say?” mocked Ben softly. He knew what Callum was trying to say and helped him out. “Our family as it is now is enough? If another child comes along for whatever reason, then fine, but me, you, Lexi, Tyler and Roman, and Rob of course, it’s enough.”

“Yeah,” said Callum, his heart warmed by the knowledge that he and Ben understood each other clearly, “it is.” Although it sometimes made him feel like a bumbling halfwit, he loved the way Ben could always find the right words. He got up to pull the rolls out of the oven and watched Ben out of the corner of his eye as he set them aside to cool. “You’re practically drooling.”

“Hmmm,” hummed Ben, smacking his lips together in anticipation, “when will they be ready to eat?”

“After you have talked to me about the drinking and the drugs.” It was a glass of cold water to the face and Ben shrank a little. He was, however, in awe of Callum’s bravery and honesty in his explanations and was determined to reciprocate.

“I was upset, really upset. If I start to think that you and me are not tight, I remember how unbelievably lucky I got meeting you and remember my lurking suspicion that you’re too good for me. It makes me want to beat myself up for being such an idiot thinking that it could work out.” He put a finger against Callum’s lips not wanting his message to be interrupted even if it was with words of reassurance. “I know it’s not the right thinking. I’m going to go back to Darren. I need some help,” he revealed, eyes attached to Callum’s. “You and me, Callum, we’re always going to have come from where we’ve come from. That damage sits inside us all the time, mostly under control, but sometimes not. We’re like this old house – in need of maintenance now and then.” He was quiet for a moment. “All three of our kids have tricky histories. We do a great job of providing a loving home for them but, one day, something WILL tip them over the edge and they’ll need some maintenance. We need to be ready for that.”

Callum nodded, acknowledging the truth of this. This was where he had got to with his thinking. He couldn’t change his past and he needed to maintain his awareness that its damaging effects were for life. And that was as true for Ben, Lexi, Roman and Tyler as it was for him.

“I know,” he agreed. “When I thought about a baby, it was so pure, like we could have somebody in our family untouched by trauma, but, when I think about it like that, it’s as if I’m saying there’s something wrong with the five of us, something not good enough. And I don’t believe that. We’re all amazing. There’s nothing to feel ashamed of or … lessened by … it’s … shit, I’m just not good at this words thing,” he finished frustratedly. Ben kissed him gently on the lips.

“I get it,” he murmured, debating what he would prefer: to have his way with Callum or to eat cinnamon rolls.

“After breakfast,” laughed Callum, reading his mind and jumping up to make the coffee before he changed his own mind. He took his time, thoughts still crowding his head, eventually returning to the room off the kitchen with his coffee creations.

They sat contentedly, enjoying their breakfast, discussing their favourite photos on the wall.

“So, we’re good?” checked Ben, a little while later, brushing the crumbs of cinnamon roll off his top before taking a slurp of his coffee. “Have we covered off everything?” There was something else but he thought he might be able to let it go.

“We’re good,” confirmed Callum, thinking Ben could sweep the floor after depositing so many crumbs there. They weren’t completely finished with resolving problems but he thought maybe they’d had enough. Was it worth bringing up yet another issue?

They cleared away breakfast and Ben got the vacuum cleaner out without prompting. Callum made sure he’d washed and dried all the baking equipment. These were displacement activities and they both knew it. Ben was busy rearranging the mugs in the cupboard when Callum came up behind him, closed the cupboard door and put his hands either side of Ben on the counter.

“Tell me what’s the matter, Ben,” he murmured, unable to resist nuzzling his husband’s neck. Ben succumbed for a moment and enjoyed the attention. He knew, however, even though it might use up the last precious day with no children in the house, he needed to be honest.

“We’re not fully good,” confessed Ben. He could feel the comfort of Callum behind him and knew he was in a safe place to tell him how upset he was. “I’m gutted that you acted like this wasn’t my home and made me leave.” He turned around so he was facing Callum, knowing Callum would see his pain and was unsurprised to see it reflected. “Now you tell me what’s the matter with you.”

“I can’t believe I turned you out of our home. It was so selfish, inconsiderate, thoughtless. I can’t believe myself.” Callum was crushed by his own behaviour. He couldn’t understand it but was honest enough to recognise that, in sending Ben away, he had given the message that this was only his home because Callum allowed him to live there. It wasn’t just that Ben had bought part of this house that made this so wrong. It was THEIR house, a place of safety that they had built together. Callum was distraught that there was a part of him that didn’t believe this. It was a big failing that tested his usually strong connection with Ben. “I am sorry, really sorry,” he whispered, panic and tears in his eyes. “Remember our wedding vows? _Between us, there is an unbreakable bond, a shining, rainbow-coloured braid that connects us in tough times and in great times, all the time, for all time._ Well, I cut the braid.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Callum, you can’t have – it’s unbreakable!” Ben was tempted to laugh but recognised that Callum really was as shattered as he said he was. “Remember what you always say: you can’t undo your mistakes and change the past, but you can learn from them and change the future. And the best thing about the future is that it comes a day at a time. If things don’t go well one day, have another go the next.”

“But it’s not just about me - you’ve been hurt by my actions. I want to … need to … make it up to you,” argued Callum. Ben reached for his face and stroked his cheek, smiling softly.

“Well, it’s over with. You regretting it so much, well, it counts for a lot. And right now, in this moment, I’m really touched that you memorised our wedding vows. Have you got them written down somewhere?”

“Yeah,” confessed Callum, a shy smile brightening his face. “I’ll show you.” Ben followed him up to their bedroom, and Callum got a box from under his side of the bed and handed it to Ben to open. It contained bits of paper and card, all full of pictures and words. Pulling a photograph of a beach from the top, Ben read the message on the back: _Please, I need to talk to you_. It was from their first real argument. Ben’s big mistake that time.

“You sent me away then as well, Callum,” he frowned, waving the photograph at him and remembering the devastation he had felt during that week.

“Yeah, for a few days. This time it was just one day, so I’m improving.” They grinned at the unassailable logic, eyes locked, their love passing back and forth re-braiding and strengthening their unbreakable connection. Going back into the box, Ben saw several sheets of paper with handwritten messages. He sat back on the bed and set about reading them, becoming aware that Callum had written down every declaration of love they had ever made to each other.

“I meant every single word and I still do,” he said, emotion breaking through his words. “You and me, Callum, we ARE for all time.” He shuffled towards Callum and pressed himself into his side, kissing his shoulder softly.

“They’re beautiful, aren’t they?” said Callum, touching the papers reverently. “I read them when I’m feeling low and they always remind me of who we are when we’re not being arseholes.” Ben carefully stowed them in the box and placed it on the floor.

“Talking of arseholes …” he said saucily earning him one of Callum’s gorgeous giggles. He swung himself round to sit astride Callum deftly removing both of their tops, tweaking one of Callum’s nipples with a cheeky smile, kissing along his jawline and neck and pushing him back down on the bed. Callum submitted, allowing relief and desire to flood his senses. He hooked his hands into Ben’s bottoms and grasped his backside, feeling the ripple of pleasure through Ben’s body. Quickly divesting themselves of all other clothing, they lay, Ben on top, enjoying the sensation of being naked together. Having children, they rarely slept like this, but, without doing anything else, just laying skin to skin brought a sensual pleasure that they both loved.

“Can’t explain it,” said Callum, stumbling slightly over his words, “but I’m feeling a bit … nervous, like we’re back on track, stronger ‘cause we understand ourselves better, so this should be good ... so there’s pressure.”

“Good? What’re ya saying? Have you already forgotten how unbelievable in bed I am?” teased Ben, pretending to be affronted. “Babe, you love me, that’s all it takes.”

“Do you love me?” It was an unnecessary question but it slipped out and Ben recognised that Callum needed more reassurance. He sat up on top of him, looking down quizzically and saw how much Callum needed help to put his mind at rest. Slowly, a suggestive smile playing with his mouth, he slid down and gave the tip of Callum’s cock a tantalising circular lick.

“This bit, most definitely,” he mumbled, littering kisses across Callum’s hips and downwards, pressing a fingertip against Callum’s hole. “Hmmm, yes, that bit too.” He carried on down, kissing Callum’s scars on his thighs and running a light finger over the light, silver trails of self-harm. He looked up at Callum, less playful now. “And these bits … you wouldn’t be you without them … so I love these bits.”

Callum was aroused but rising above that sensation was the relief of a dam wall breaking, releasing pent up emotions that he had been holding back for a long time. He didn’t need to be any better than he was. Here, with somebody he loved who loved him and knew everything about him, knew how damaged he was and wasn’t bothered, he knew for certain that he was safe. A massive sob spluttered out, followed by choked breaths and a desperate wail. Ben shot back up the bed and pulled Callum into his arms.

“Shit, Callum. How did I not know you felt this bad?”

“’S okay … ‘s better … I’m okay … good, better … love you … so sorry I let you down … but better …” Ben let Callum cry and talk gibberish, simply holding him, stroking his hair and bestowing light kisses. He pulled the bed covers around the pair of them. It was beautifully nourishing, laying in their bed, warm and cosy, bodies entwined, knowing that they had reached a safe place. They stayed there for a while, not speaking, just refuelling.

“Yesterday,” said Ben eventually, “I went to the beach. I wished you were there.”

“Yeah?” said Callum. “Where? Was it far?” He moved to look at Ben. “Can we go today?” Ben jumped out of bed, pulling Callum up with him.

“Great idea! Come on, let’s go!”

Within half an hour, they had pulled on comfy clothes, shoved extra warm stuff in a bag after checking the weather and were on their way.

They took the Callum’s little MG roadster as it hadn’t had a run out in a while and, bizarrely, had better heating than Ben’s old Porsche. It took concentration and effort to drive and Callum was glad to have something manual and absorbing to do. Robbie sat on the back shelf. With the hood up, there was plenty of room for him and he lounged on the long cushion Ben put there for him, pushing his nose forward to nudge Ben every now and then. The old radio had no notion of Bluetooth so Ben chose a playlist from his phone that he had named ‘Smooching’ and sat back in the low seat enjoying being with his lover and his dog.

It was a colder, windier day than the previous day and they were glad of the extra hoodies and hats they had brought with them.

“You suit a beanie,” Ben told Callum as he adjusted his own, hoping he still looked cute.

“Not as much as you,” complimented Callum, very taken with this look on Ben.

The walk along the crumbling cliff, buffeted by the bracing wind, was exactly what they needed. The steel grey sea with its ruffled, choppy texture tempted them down through the tall, tufted grass and strewn rocks, past collapsed pillboxes from a conflict long ago, down onto the sand of a deserted section of beach. Robbie was in and out of the water, chasing tennis balls, loving the moment. Callum sat down on a rock and watched Ben dancing around with the dog, happily collecting balls and throwing them over and over. He glanced over and noticed Callum watching him and threw him a wide smile. Callum caught the love and his heart brimmed over – he was happy again.

“Let’s get fish and chips,” said Ben, running over, pulling Callum up to standing and spinning him round joyfully.

“Did you have that yesterday?” asked Callum, suspecting it would have been Ben’s food of choice and thinking how it was a constant battle to keep him eating healthily.

“Yes, food nazi … and it won’t kill me to have it again. It’s perfect beach food.” Ben’s hopeful face was irresistible and Callum laughed before kissing him. “You go and get it,” Ben instructed. “There’s a shop you can get to that way.” He pointed up the bank. “About ten minutes walk … five minutes if you run.”

“You are such a cheeky fucker,” laughed Callum, pulling Ben’s hat down over his face and setting off. Ben watched him go, admiring his athleticism but having a little giggle inside at his bouncy running action. He returned to playing with Robbie while he waited.

Callum was back quickly and they settled down on a large rock to eat.

“I’m not a big fan of fish and chips but, you’re right, sitting here, watching the sea, it tastes just right,” Callum commented.

“Have you seriously never eaten fish and chips on the beach?” Ben was dumbstruck.

“Here’s a thing,” admitted Callum. “I have only ever been to a beach with you. Well, I suppose I went to the beach in Dorset the afternoon before you arrived that first time, but that is definitely our beach.” He was referring to a place close to their hearts where they first admitted their love for each other and, later, where Ben proposed. “But, yeah, no beach ever before that.” Ben knew Callum’s upbringing had been impoverished in all sorts of ways but every now and then Callum would tell him something surprising that deepened his understanding.

“Beaches could be our thing, babe. We should find ones we want to visit and plan trips,” he suggested.

“I would LOVE that.” Callum was immediately enthused with the idea.

When they had finished eating, they bundled up the paper and shoved it in their backpack with the tennis balls. Turning to face Ben, Callum pulled him in for a kiss. Ben came willingly, wrapping his legs around Callum, partly to stop himself from slipping off the rock and partly because it enabled him to pull himself closer to Callum.

“Hmm, you taste salty.” Ben licked his lips. The warmth and love between them was delicious and they spent some time kissing passionately, knowing they weren’t going to start undressing in this bitterly cold weather but there was a clear promise of more to come at home. Robbie tucked himself into a niche in the rock and settled down for a snooze. He was very familiar with Callum and Ben like this.

“Before we go, I need to tell you,” announced Ben, standing up and facing Callum, “I love you Callum. I will love you for all time. I love that you don’t give up on me, even when I’m a mess, because you love me and think I’m worth the effort.” Callum hauled himself to his feet, and held Ben’s face, kissing him softly on the lips.

“I love you, Ben,” he said, looking deep into his eyes and seeing his love reflected, “I will love you for all time. I love that you hold me steady and keep me safe when I’m a mess and that you insist on honesty between us.”

Their world back on its axis, they set off for home.

Clothes were removed as soon as they shut the front door. Robbie gave them a look that would have said “for fuck’s sake” if he’d been able to speak and went off to snooze in the living room. They climbed the stairs without letting go of each other and staggered to their bedroom, falling in a heap on their bed.

Callum felt giddy with excitement. He had let go of all his cares and inhibitions and was already feeling euphoric. His skin was sizzling with desire and his head was out of play, his body having taken over and purely focused itself on Ben. He pressed himself down on his lover, revelling in the resulting moans as their tongues probed and pushed each other, hands caressing those places guaranteed to provoke a reaction. They railed against each other sending shockwaves of pleasure through their bodies.

Ben could barely breathe with the intensity. His entire body was trembling and he felt taken over by Callum, sensing his insistent, passionate desire. This was not going to be one of their barely bearable slow sessions of foreplay, and he cried out in relief, a loud moaning gasp of delight, as he felt Callum’s finger, gently easing and preparing him for what was to come. They nipped at each other’s flesh, catching eyes now and then, while Callum made sure he was ready before slipping inside him, Ben’s legs held high and his back arched as his moaning increased. Callum knew exactly how to reach him. He withdrew and thrust inside again, Ben almost out of his body with ecstasy, Callum’s own breath caught as he could feel the orgasm building. He grasped Ben’s length, twisting and gliding his hand up and down at the same time as he thrust inside him. They had perfected this technique but every time it was a little more perfect. Ben threw his head back in complete submission, guttural moans escaping from him. Callum continued thrusting and stroking, his euphoria building, sensing the same from Ben, holding each other’s eyes, the build-up intensified, a deliciously long crescendo culminating in an explosive climax with both of them crying out with the exquisiteness of it. They lay gripped together, immersing themselves in the slow climb down, heartbeats thumping at first and gradually returning to a steady rhythm, heavy breaths calming, souls sending out invisible tendrils and pulling them closer until they were as one.

“Amazing,” murmured Ben. “You are fuckin’ amazing.” He deftly cleaned up not wanting it to interrupt the feeling of togetherness and was back in Callum’s arms in moments. There was nowhere he was happier than in these private times with Callum. His love for Callum was a huge, burning star, lighting up his life and giving him energy to be the best version of himself, selfless and devoted to this amazing man and their life together.

Callum was too engrossed in the intimate inseparableness to speak or move. He closed his eyes, memorising the moment, and recalled their declarations from earlier, knowing that these had been particularly important because they had spoken of their deepest fears. And their deepest fears were losing each other. To embark on a life together took courage as, he could see clearly now, a smooth road didn’t exist. But he and Ben were sharing their journey and he could not have been happier. Ben and their life together were his world.


	5. Routines

**MONDAY 4.1**

The children were due back.

“Not until tea-time,” said Callum, wanting to luxuriate in bed with Ben for a while.

“I can’t believe they’re back so soon. Then they’re straight back to school tomorrow,” moaned Ben. “I thought we said we weren’t doing this again? When do we ever get a proper break? We always go from one thing to the next, people in and out of the house all the time.”

Callum found it hard to sympathise. He liked their busy lives. He’d spent a lot of his life alone with nobody to talk to whereas Ben had always been surrounded by family and friends. Maybe it was a double case of the greener grass, they were just on opposite sides.

“Just got to make the most of every moment. [_Be happy in the moment, that's enough. Each moment is all we need, not more,_](https://www.azquotes.com/quote/480645?ref=present-moment)” he quoted.

“That was written on one of your bits of paper,” remembered Ben. “Did you make it up or is it one of Steve’s?” He knew Steve liked quotations.

“One of Steve’s,” admitted Callum. “I liked it so I wrote it down. He did tell me who said it but I can’t remember.” Ben grabbed his phone and did a quick search, laughing at Callum.

“Mother Theresa,” he giggled. “Gettin’ all religious are ya?”

“No way!” Callum was adamant. “Simon was a cradle catholic. Proper messed him up.” The mention of Simon's name gave Ben a start. He hadn’t mentioned bumping into him before Christmas and now regretted it.

“Hmm. Should have told you this before Christmas. The target Noah Belasis, when me and Frankie found him, he was with his boyfriend … it was Simon.” Callum untangled himself from their embrace to stare in surprise at Ben.

“You saw him? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It felt like a step backwards somehow and I knew you weren’t feelin’ great. Was stupid – I should have said something.” Ben paused. “He’s still in love with you. Or in love with the idea of you. Frankie and me felt really sorry for Noah ‘cause it was so obvious. It was embarrassing for him … not just embarrassing, upsetting as well.”

“What? Really? It’s been years. Knowing Si, he’s probably invented a completely different me in his head.” Callum wasn’t at all concerned about Simon.

“Ouch!” said Ben, pleased about Callum’s dismissiveness of his ex. “I hope we never split. God knows what you’d say about me.”

“Thing is Ben,” said Callum, propping himself up on his elbow, “if we split, we won’t be able to never see each other again like me and Si, ‘cause we’ve got children. You’re in my life forever one way or another.” He grinned wickedly at his husband. “That’s the real meaning of ‘for all time’ … aargh!” he yelped as Ben tickled his ribs playfully.

“If we split,” warned Ben, getting serious, “it will be because we haven’t taken enough care of each other and of us. It won’t be for lack of love. Relationships take effort and commitment and we HAVE to give more time to ours. It won’t be takin’ time away from the children – we’d be doing it to make sure they have us in good shape.”

“So what does that look like?” asked Callum, thinking that it sounded perfect.

“When we need each other, it’s priority one,” stated Ben. “If you need me, I’m there, if I need you, you’re there, nothing is more important. Magic words: I need you. We have to remember to use them.”

“We make time to talk every day,” added Callum. “Even if it’s about bollocks.”

“We NEVER end the day on an argument,” said Ben, warming to the theme. “Unless we have to and then we agree when we’re going to sort it out and promise that we’re for all time … so we don’t have to worry.”

“We go out and have fun, dancing, seeing stuff, spending time with each other that’s not to do with home or work.”

“We make that list of beaches and go for weekends away just the two of us.”

“At least four a year.”

“At least!”

“We tell each other what we’re feeling, total honesty,” said Callum. “I like our declarations. It’s like we keep adding to all the reasons we’re together, how we make each other feel loved.”

“Yeah, they’re important,” agreed Ben. “Makes sure we don’t get into a rut.” He pulled himself to sitting and looked down at Callum. “Nudity on demand,” he suggested saucily.

“Hmm,” mused Callum. “Daily blow jobs.”

“Daily?” mouthed Ben silently, widening his eyes and sucking his lip lasciviously. “Joking aside …” he said more seriously.

“… don’t try to fix things with sex,” finished Callum, sitting up next to Ben. “Sex is just ‘cause we like it so much.” He looked at Ben, a warning note in his eyes. “Still exclusive, though.”

“Completely,” affirmed Ben. “So … are we currently out of problems to resolve?” Callum turned over to sit astride Ben.

“Yeah,” he said, flashing suggestive eyes at Ben. “Got any ideas about what we can do now?”

It turned out that Ben had plenty of ideas and before they knew it the day had hurtled into the afternoon and the children were due back.

Robbie seemed to have a sixth sense that Tyler, Roman and Lexi were almost home as he perched in the living room window five minutes before they arrived. When the car pulled onto the driveway, he shot to the front door and scooted out as soon as Callum opened it. A chorus of “Daddy! Daddy!” spilled out of the car with the children as they all rushed in for hugs. Kathy and Mike got busy delivering bags to the hallway and Ben reached out for his mum as she passed the group hug.

“Let’s catch up in the week,” she said, kissing Ben’s hand. “Mike and me are just gonna go, leave you all to your reunion. We’re shattered,” she laughed. She looked it.

Inside the house, all three children were talking at once, emptying their bags to find mementos to show their dads, as Robbie was running round them in circles. It was joyous pandemonium and there was not a chance of Callum and Ben stopping a single second. Stories of their holiday were told over tea, all three interrupting each other to add details of the fun they’d had.

“Just a question,” said Ben, eyes sparkling with amusement. “Did Nan and Mike use the word ‘no’ at any point during your trip?”

“No!” all three yelled in unison, laughing loudly at each other.

Soon enough, the inevitable collapse happened, with Roman and Tyler barely making it through the shower. They were getting big but Callum and Ben could just about carry them to their beds. They then went up to the second floor to check on Lexi and found her already washed and ready for bed. She had a big bed and they sat either side of her on it with her holding their hands.

“Are you alright daddies?” she asked, concern on her face. “You didn’t sound happy when we called you. I don’t think Ro and Ty noticed though.” Even from another country, she had picked up the tension between them and, glancing quickly at each other, they decided to give her some small truths.

“Just tired after Christmas is all, darling,” replied Callum.

“You did too much of the work,” she said, looking up at him. “Were you cross with dad for being lazy?”

“No, more cross with myself for making too much of things,” said Callum. “Daddy did drink too much on New Year’s Eve though. It wasn’t pretty.” He pulled a disgusted face and Lexi laughed.

“We missed you all,” said Ben, “but it was nice for me and dad to have some time to ourselves. We took Robbie to the beach and we ate fish and chips on the sand. It was perfect.” He smiled at Callum who beamed back, an exchange witnessed by Lexi putting all her concerns to rest.

“Okay, I’m going to sleep now,” she yawned, pushing them both off the bed.

**TUESDAY 5.1**

“Why the fuck do we do this? We never learn!” Ben was steaming. The children were all tired, of course they were, and were being particularly difficult on this school morning. He glared at Callum across their bedroom.

“What?” Callum held up his hands in mock surrender. “You’re angry with me because … ?” Ben stomped out of the room and yelled up the stairs.

“Lex! Get down here now! Don’t tell me you don’t know where your blazer is, or you’ve lost your French book or your pencils are all broken because I know none of that is true. Everything was laid out for you.” He peered up the stairs not hearing her. “Lex! Down! Now!” She appeared at the top of the stairs and scowled at him, before sweeping down and past him imperiously. He heaved a frustrated sigh and opened the boys’ bedroom door. “No!” he exclaimed crossly as he saw that neither of them was ready. “Roman, get your clothes on. Tyler, brush your hair, put some socks on and get downstairs for breakfast.”

Callum appeared in the bedroom and pushed Ben out.

“Go and make some hot chocolates. We’ve got time and it’ll cheer us all up.” Ben looked like he was about to argue but had second thoughts and thundered down the stairs instead. Callum looked at the boys and the dark shadows of tiredness under their tear-filled eyes.

“Daddy’s right. We should always have a day at home between holidays and school. Let’s remember for next time, eh?” He prattled on reassuringly, talking about nothing, quickly helping them with dressing and soothing their frayed nerves. Within minutes, they were downstairs. Walking into the kitchen, Callum stroked Lexi’s hair and kissed her forehead.

“Morning, darling,” he said. “How about I drive you to school? Boys, you can come with me and I’ll drop you afterwards.” The children nodded gratefully, sipping their hot chocolates whilst sitting at the kitchen counter warily watching Ben. Callum went round to the other side of the counter and put his arms around the grumpy one.

“Morning, bear,” he said, winking at the kids. They all sniggered. Callum was rubbish at winking, achieving instead a sort of screwed up blink. It was a family joke.

“Oh right, charmin’,” complained Ben moodily, accepting the hug ungraciously. “We’re doing lovin’ daddy and bear daddy, are we?”

“We’re doing I’ll do anything to make you happy,” said Callum, squeezing him even more. “And I know you love my hugs so I’m hoping this is working.” The children watched, curious about how Ben would respond. He had been shouting all morning.

“You drivin’ them all?” he asked. “So I get to sit and enjoy my hot chocolate in peace?” Callum nodded, keeping his arms exactly where they were, still wrapped around Ben. “Okay, I give in. That will make me happy.” The children cheered and applauded so Ben dropped them a little curtsey before turning to face Callum, his back to the children, “for fuck’s sake,” he mouthed, rolling his eyes.

Children all safely at school, Callum returned to the house to find Ben already in the office.

“Frankie, Marcus and Megan are on their way. I just wanted to make sure all the references to Julie Golding were changed back to Sam Turner before Megan gets here.” He pointed at the large screen. “Charlie’s already here.” Callum turned to look at Charlie.

“Charlie, hey,” he smiled. “The birds are stunning, thank you. We all love them. They’ve got their own shelf in the living room and they look awesome.” Charlie blushed at the thanks but was about to become even more self-conscious as Callum continued. “Ben tells me he gave you a kiss for Christmas. Now, he is a great kisser,” he giggled as Ben snorted in the background, “but you should know, for next year, that I am better.”

“Don’t believe a word of it, Charlie mate,” shouted Ben across the room. Charlie was entranced by the affection between these two and watched avidly as they grinned at each other. This would feed his fantasy life for a while.

Megan arrived first, plainly nervous about her first team meeting at MHI. Seeing her friend Charlie helped and she had a chat with him while they waited the few minutes before Marcus and Frankie arrived.

“Okay,” said Callum, team leader as always. “Not much has come in over the holidays but we do have one new enquiry which is something different for us. It’s a missing child.” Everybody in the room focused. This was something they had often discussed, aware that when cases went cold, parents frequently turned to private investigators for help. It would be a huge responsibility and had the potential of leading to problems with the authorities which they were keen to avoid. Amanda and Steve had given them some advice about how to proceed if they ever did get one of these cases and, using this, Callum had devised a set of safeguarding protocols to make sure that the child concerned was protected, and that effective relations were maintained with the police, schools, social care and any other body involved. He walked over to the computer station and switched Charlie to another screen so that he could use the large screen to show the file to the team.

“Her name is Tilly Driver. She turned fifteen in June. She’s been missing since last April.” He opened some photos, pointing at each one as he described the person depicted. “She’s the youngest of three. Older sister, Hope, eighteen, two years above Tilly at school. Older brother, Jack, he’s twenty, works as a delivery driver for a local builders’ merchant. Mum, Karen, and Dad, Paul. At the high school, should be in year eleven. Very popular by all accounts. These are her best friends there: Ellie Sumner, Page Walker and Nyoka Andrew, all fifteen. This is her boyfriend, Curtis Watts. He’s eighteen and is the only one who’s been in any kind of trouble. Smoking weed on the back fields at school.” He smiled as Marcus signed “smoking weed” - it was a particularly clear sign. Maybe he made it up? Marcus’ signing was comprehensive and fluent, Ben was quite good and Callum and Charlie were okay; they were all committed to signing to make the work accessible for Frankie.

“There are more detailed notes in the file,” Callum indicated where to find them by sliding the photos into a folder and putting that folder inside another one named “TilDri” and then putting that in another folder called “Missing” so they could all see the trail. He looked around at his team, having a moment of disbelief when he realised that what had started as him and Frankie was now a team of six.

“I’m proposing that Marcus and me will keep working the Sam Turner case and Frankie and Megan take on Tilly’s case. Ben and Charlie will support both cases and pick up any smaller cases that come in. We’ll use the pocket screens to separate this room for working both cases as Megan mustn’t work on the Sam Turner case. Please remember she is the client on that case. Marcus and me will be in the front part of the room until we need Ben and Charlie, then we’ll swap. Is that okay?”

Everybody nodded.

“I remember her going missing. It was all over social media,” said Megan, flinching slightly as everybody turned to look at her. She hadn’t been in a group in years and was finding the experience daunting but less so than she had expected. Plus she was delighted to be able to use the signing she had practised so much, picking up that this group attempted to sign everything they said. “She had been to see her friend, that one …” she pointed, “Ellie, and was walking home. There’s CCTV footage of her walking almost the whole way. She went missing less than a hundred metres from her home.” It was useful information and Frankie immediately set about finding it online. Megan saw what she was doing and moved to sit next to her, offering advice here and there.

“So, I take it we’re not respecting her right to stay hidden if we find her,” checked Ben.

“That’s right,” confirmed Callum. “We will let the police know if we find her and they will tell the parents. If Karen and Paul don’t agree to that then we won’t take the case.”

“There is one big difference for us,” said Marcus hesitantly, everybody stopping to listen to what he had to say. Ben, Callum, Charlie and Megan had East London accents of various strengths and Frankie’s was the ubiquitous Estuary English accent so when Marcus spoke, which in itself was rare, his somewhat posh accent stood out. But it was more that he only spoke when it was important that got their attention. “She might be dead.” He looked around at his colleagues’ worried faces. “I know some of our targets in the past have turned out to be dead but I think it will be different if Tilly is dead.” His face radiated concern.

“True,” agreed Ben. “It will be very upsetting for us which means we’ve got to support each other.”

“So,” clarified Callum, “if we find that she is dead, we DO NOT share that with her parents - the police family liaison will do that job – and we make sure we talk to each other.” He and Ben shared a quick look. They knew that Marcus and Frankie would take care of each other but they would need to keep an eye on Charlie and Megan.

Callum closed the screens, partitioning the room, and sat down with Marcus. Tapping on his tablet, he opened the file “SamTur”.

“This is what we’ve got so far,” he began, indicating various photographs and charts. “We know at least some of the outfits Sam’s working for laundering money. They include human traffickers for the sex trade, arms dealers, drug dealers. I’ve already shared this with Amanda. What is less clear is how Sam is doing it. Amanda says they can account for less than a third of the money in the wash. They have enough to put her away but they want to find out first how she is keeping so much of it hidden.” He sat back and stretched, looking at Marcus carefully. “Amanda is NOT happy we’re working this. She’s worried for our safety and she’s right, so we’re going to tread very lightly …”

“… which is why it’s you and me and not the hotheads in there?” laughed Marcus. Callum grinned, thinking how good Marcus was for providing balance in their team.

“So,” he continued, “with Charlie’s less than legal help, we have picked apart her online comms and there is not enough there. We think there must be some face-to-face stuff going on.”

“Which is where I come in?” guessed Marcus.

“Yeah,” confirmed Callum. “Who does she meet, and who do they meet and so on. You know how it’s done.” Marcus nodded. “I’m going to do some mapping for Ben and Charlie. They’re going deeper online which will churn out lots of data to be organised which is my bit.”

In the other part of the room, Frankie and Megan had wasted no time in building a relationships web on the whiteboard. They were both short and slight, and with their clothes, make-up and hair – Frankie had hers in plaited space buns today, Megan’s was cropped close to her head – they could easily pass for younger. As they set out to talk to the siblings and school friends, Ben reflected that their appearance might help them make contact. They looked like the quirky, cool kids found at every school.

“So, Charlie,” he said, unable to resist flirting, “finally, just you and me again.” Charlie blushed. He knew that his private crush was not so private but, where once that would have been unspeakably humiliating and devastating, here it was okay – he was safe with Callum and Ben.

“We’re going to look into Tilly?” he asked.

“Awful truth, but someone she knows is likely to be responsible, and the most likely is the dad. Let’s get into Paul Driver.” As a devoted dad, Ben could not conceive how any dad would be able to hurt their child, but he was aware of the statistics so this had to be where they started.

+++

Knowing that the girls they wanted to talk to would be in school until around three, Frankie and Megan started with Jack, Tilly’s brother. They were in luck. He could have been out on a job or they could have had to wait a while for him to leave the merchant’s yard, but, fortunately for them, his van was pulling out of the yard as they arrived.

“That’s him,” said Frankie, signalling for Megan to follow the van. Megan drove a ten-year old Corsa, perfect for tailing as it was small and unremarkable and they followed him to a building site at the back end of an estate of 1930s housing, a small development of tiny new builds crammed together on a plot that was big enough for one house with a decent sized garden.

“What do you think Meg? Follow him, nose around a bit before we talk to him?” Frankie turned to see Meg nodding. She had a feeling that Megan and her were going to find it easy to work together; like her and Ben, they had the same way of thinking about things.

“We need to park away from here then,” warned Meg. “We can catch him on his way out.”

They parked as near as they dared and Frankie settled down for a chat, intent on sharing histories. Meg had not really had friends at school other than Charlie and he’d had a lot of time off. There was a girl called Sheree who had seemed to find her interesting but Megan hadn’t known how to cement the friendship and Sheree had not persisted. She was getting an inkling that Frankie was going to persist and wanted to get out her notebook to write down some tips for herself: listen properly, don’t walk away, smile; the sort of things that came naturally to others but not to her. Getting out her notebook was a giveaway sign of being different so she hesitated. Maybe she could just explain it.

“I’m autistic,” she blurted out, scarcely able to believe that she had just said that. She hadn’t talked about it ever before to anybody other than teachers and psychologists and in less than a month she had told first Callum and Ben and now Frankie. Frankie shook her head in confusion.

“I’m deaf … but you know that right?” Megan was looking upset so Frankie turned to face her properly. “I can say I’m deaf. You can say you’re autistic. They’re just things about us. What do I need to know, Meg?”

“I want to talk to you, I do, but I get it wrong … a lot …” Megan explained, signing fast and fluently. “So if I stop listening, bring me back to the conversation … in a kind way … and don’t let me walk off. Smile at me, but if I don’t look at you it doesn’t mean I don’t know you’re smiling, so it’s worth smiling at me. I can see a lot without looking at you. Looking at people is … overload.”

“I get it.” Frankie put a tentative hand on Megan’s arm and squeezed supportively unsure if Megan would mind the physical contact. If anything, it seemed to help her relax. Megan glanced at Frankie briefly. This was going to be alright. She could definitely do this.

“And keep calling me Meg. I like it.”

Soon after, Jack’s van pulled out of the site. He drove for about ten minutes to a house that was having building work done, parking a little way from the house as the road outside was already crowded with transits.

“Looks like another delivery,” commented Frankie, unplugging her seatbelt. Meg tapped her arm.

“Where are you going?” she asked. Frankie waved a small black device at her.

“He didn’t lock that van. I’m going to bug it. Watch out for him.”

In less than a minute she was back.

“Can we hear him now?” asked Meg, intrigued by the techy snooping and wondering how legal it was.

“I can’t hear anything remember,” laughed Frankie. “No, the feed goes to Charlie. He monitors all of our devices. But he will set up a live stream if we want it.” She showed Meg the app Charlie had built to go with the bugs. “I log it on here. I’ll get Charlie to set it up for you to use and show you how to make them work.”

They watched Jack unload his van with the help of a couple of labourers and before long he was back in the van, this time driving to a lock up garage which Frankie and Meg could see was being used to store building materials. Jack was more furtive than he had been at the previous two drop offs leading them to deduce that this drop might not be above board. He didn’t hang around and was soon back on the road, his next stop being a pub.

“Oh good, lunchtime,” pronounced Frankie, noticing that Meg looked very uncertain. Meg was feeling her anxiety rise; she rarely went in pubs as the noise made her head want to explode. At home, she had a pair of high-tech ear plugs which worked well if she had to be somewhere noisy and she wished had them with her now. “Is noise a problem?” asked Frankie, guessing correctly.

“Yeah,” confirmed Meg, infuriated with having to make the admission and annoyed with herself for being lulled into thinking a partnership might work. Working by herself she didn’t have to face her limitations as she could make all the decisions around what worked for her but now, being with Frankie, she was starting to feel disempowered and vulnerable.

“A bigger problem would be getting served. We look about twelve,” observed Frankie, dismissing Meg’s issue. “I was thinking about a sandwich.” She pointed across the road at a small bakery. “I bet you’re fussy about food so you go. I’ll have a cheese salad roll, white, and a tea, two sugars, loads of milk.”

Meg was beginning to feel very tired. She had been around the team then Frankie for several hours now and it was a lot for her. But she recognised that this group of people was a rare opportunity to be part of the wider world and she wanted that experience. Charlie was already her friend; Frankie was her new friend; Marcus, Callum and Ben could be friends. This was all a very good turn of events; she just had to keep focused and not lose her nerve. She was looking forward to the end of the day, though. Her home had lately become a prison but today she was looking forward to going back to her sanctuary.

Frankie had not been wrong about the food. Meg liked to eat food in order, so it was her habit to deconstruct a sandwich. As she was completing the purchase and thinking about how she believed most people would think she was weird, she felt confident that Frankie would not bat an eyelid at her for doing this. It was a good thought and she headed back to the car much happier.

Jack stayed in the pub for over two hours and Frankie and Meg spent the time sifting through his social media accounts. It was clear that Jack was one of the lads, liked a beer or six, was frequently off his face being lairy, played football at the weekend and liked short, blonde girls.

“He might like you,” suggested Frankie. Meg peered at the pictures of girls with long, salon waved hair, expertly contoured faces and deep tans and wondered how Frankie thought she was like these creatures.

“What are you looking at that makes you think that?” she asked. “And anyway, what are you thinking, that I can be some kind of honey trap?” Frankie laughed loudly at Megan’s sign for honey trap.

“Idiot! But, maybe I could look like that?” mused Frankie thoughtfully. “Do my hair, paint my face, wear those … are we calling them clothes?” she giggled.

“So you’ll be the honey trap?” laughed Meg. “Remind me – why do we even need to snare him? Isn’t the idea to talk to him?”

“Hmm.” Frankie had a sense that there was more to know about Jack. “Let’s get Ben to talk to him,” she suggested. “He can pretend to be a straight lad - he loves acting. Then we’re still free to follow him if we need to.”

They followed Jack back to the builders’ merchant and decided to leave him and go to talk to the school friends. These girls documented their whole lives on social media so Frankie and Meg knew they would be in the park after school watching the boys kick around a football. Sure enough, this was where they found them.

“Hi, I’m Frankie.” Frankie introduced herself and got out her PI credentials to show them.

“Meg.” Meg pulled out the plastic identity pouch that Callum had given her that morning. “We have been hired by Mr and Mrs Driver to look into Tilly’s disappearance. They gave us your names.” Meg almost didn’t recognise herself as she spoke. It sounded so … official, she thought.

“Oh my god, did you follow us here?” said Ellie petulantly, pulling a shocked face at her friends. They all pouted and sulked, huddling together and turning their backs on Frankie and Meg.

“No!” Frankie was already out of patience. “We’re investigators and you’re not that hard to find.” The girls looked at her blankly as though she had spoken in Swahili. Frankie was having none of their ignorance. “Investigators,” she said slowly and loudly, as though they didn’t have a brain cell between them, waving her identification to help them understand.

“I’m sure you want to help find your friend,” soothed Meg, staying focused on the purpose of the conversation.

“Actually,” said Nyoka, talking directly to Meg as though Frankie was invisible. “You could be anyone. You could have made those IDs yourself. We’ve had journalists chasing us and wanting our stories. How do we know who you are?” Megan signed as Nyoka spoke causing Page and Ellie to flick their gazes between her and Frankie like they were some kind of strange curiosity act. Megan was exasperated with them so she was sure Frankie would be at the end of her tether.

“Fine,” snapped Frankie, deciding she’d had enough. “Talk to Tilly’s mum and dad and ask them who they hired. Mitchell Highway Investigations. We’ll find you tomorrow.” She stomped away without a backward glance and Meg scurried after her.

Back at the car, Meg was curious.

“You know they’ll probably go somewhere different tomorrow just to spite us. How will we find them?” she asked.

“I put a tracker in Ellie’s coat and another one on her bag. She’ll have one or both of them.” Frankie grinned at Meg. Impressive, thought Meg.

+++

Reversing the journey from the morning, Callum picked the children up from school.

“Any homework?” he quizzed, fervently hoping there wasn’t. The children confirmed they had none. Callum’s plan was mac ‘n’ cheese from the gourmet burger place near the market and he’d ordered it for delivery so they could all have early showers and watch a movie in their pyjamas. Ben loved anything Disney and so did the children so, even though Callum would have rather watched one of the Star Wars movies and could probably have enlisted Tyler’s and Roman’s support for this, he had lined up Mulan.

Back at home, Ben kissed all of the children and apologised for his grumpy mood that morning.

“So,” he announced, “I was thinkin’ we could order mac ‘n’ cheese form the posh burger place, have early showers and watch a movie in our pyjamas.” He caught Callum’s incredulous look. “What?”

“That was my plan as well. Like exactly my plan. Delivery’s in an hour.” The children were delighted and scooted upstairs for showers.

“What film?” asked Ben curiously, arms around Callum’s middle. “You’ve already lined one up, haven’t you? Which one?” Callum kissed him, savouring the intimacy.

“Guess,” he challenged. “Seeing as we’re so in tune with each other, you should get it.”

“Three guesses?” negotiated Ben, thinking hard. “And what’s my reward?”

“Okay, three guesses,” giggled Callum. “And your reward … well, you can choose.”

“Anything?” Ben was motivated now. “Well, you have to go PG, so one of those superhero movies or Star Wars or something like that would be your choice but, I know you, ‘cause I was … what was it? … a BEAR this morning, it will be something I like, so … a musical …” Ben searched Callum’s face for a giveaway sign. “Okay, yes, a musical … Lion King?” Callum’s shook his head, laughing. “Oh no,” sulked Ben. “I got the wrong one? I’ve got two more guesses. Let’s see, you would have picked a strong female character for the kids so Pocahontas or Jasmine or … oh, I know … Mulan! You love that one … you do! Maybe secretly but you do,” he insisted as Callum pulled a face.

“Well worked out,” he conceded. “So, let’s make sure everything is ready for the morning, then we can all properly relax.” He looked at Ben suggestively. “And you can think about your prize for later.” Ben pursed his lips and widened his eyes raunchily.

By half past eight, dinner had been eaten, the movie had been watched and the boys were fast asleep in bed. Lexi had gone upstairs to read, Robbie in tow, and Callum and Ben were on the big sofa, Ben laid like a cat across Callum’s lap.

“Slow start for Frankie and Meg today,” commented Callum.

“Yeah, I trust Frankie’s instincts though. We can’t assume any of the family or friends don’t know more than they’ve said,” said Ben. “What do you think about Megan?”

“I think she’s going to be great. And her and Frankie seem good together. It’s just … I think she’s a bit vulnerable … like we all are,” said Callum, thinking of himself and Ben, “but maybe we need to think more about how we adapt for her.”

“We sign for Frankie and for me, we provide remote working for Charlie, we let Marcus work whatever hours he wants or not at all as he chooses so he can be a free spirit, you and me work flexible hours so we can manage our kids. So Megan needs some consideration - we do that.”

“What do you think she needs?” wondered Callum. “I’m picking up no eye contact although, to be honest, she doesn’t miss a trick even when she’s not looking.”

“She’s an organised thinker so she probably likes clear and detailed briefs. But we could just ask her,” suggested Ben. “I get the feeling she likes to be in control.” He turned his head to look up at Callum. “You worried we might find Tilly is dead?”

“Yeah,” said Callum frankly. “I’m going to ask Steve how we can best look after each other and Megan especially ‘cause we don’t know her so well, find out if there’s anything we should watch out for. He called today saying to ask him if we want a steer on anything.”

“We are so fuckin’ responsible and grown-up, aren’t we?” smiled Ben. “Children, employees, … you okay with everything?”

“More than okay. Makes me feel proud. You?”

“Yeah same. Proud! It’s good.”

Callum jumped up to put on one of his grandad’s old vinyls and lay back down on the sofa alongside Ben, intensely comforted by the proximity, the familiarity of his husband’s shape and smell providing security and pleasure. It was true love, real and beautiful, and, in his usual way, he closed his eyes to concentrate and memorise the moment. He felt Ben move in closer and heard his breathing deepen as he fell asleep. He listened to the house, feeling its support and protection of them all, and slowly drifted into sleep himself.

**WEDNESDAY 7.1**

Following a hunch from Ben and Charlie, Frankie and Meg went out to follow Karen and Paul Driver.

“Follow them for a week, maybe two, and get a feel for how they spend their time,” instructed Ben. “I’ll talk to Jack. Are you still going to talk to the schoolfriends?” Frankie and Meg nodded.

“Let us know where the girls are after school, yeah, Charlie,” said Meg, pulling on her coat. Charlie gave her a thumbs up as she and Frankie left.

Marcus was out of the office surveilling Sam leaving Callum, Charlie and Ben to sift through their online trawl but, as they sat down to get started, Ben’s phone rang. He wandered into the front part of the office to take the call and Callum saw him look up surprised and move to the front window to peer out. Before opening the door, he looked back at Callum, gesticulating for him to join him.

“Seems like someone has just arrived,” Callum told Charlie. “We’ll call you back when they’re gone or in half an hour, whichever is soonest.” He quickly set a timer on his watch, knowing that Charlie would have done the same, and went to join Ben and their visitor.

“Callum,” said Ben introducing him to a man standing in the hallway, “This is Noah Belasis.”

Noah had wanted to meet Callum and that had driven him to turn up at Mitchell Highway Investigations in person. He hadn’t expected the business office to be at their home though; Simon hadn’t mentioned that. He had, however, talked about the house; he had loved this house and he had loved Callum. But now Noah was here in front of this tall, handsome man with a gentle but confused look on his face, and he wished he’d simply telephoned rather than arriving on the doorstep. This was not what he’d intended.

Callum watched a medley of emotions track across Noah’s face: embarrassment, curiosity, regret, hope, anger, frustration, sadness, all jostling for their position.

“I shouldn’t have just turned up like this,” Noah apologised. “I should have made an appointment.”

“Doesn’t matter,” Callum said, wanting to make him feel more comfortable. “We’ve got time, haven’t we Ben?” Ben smiled a confirmation.

“Coffee? Tea? Something else?” he offered. “Why don’t we go through to the kitchen?” Like Callum, he was inclined to put Noah at ease. He couldn’t imagine why Noah had felt compelled to visit them but thought it might be more to do with Callum and Simon than with his parents, so it was a home matter rather than a work matter, hence the invitation to come into the house.

“Si talked a lot about this house but it’s not what I expected.” Noah looked around curiously as they walked through to the back of the house. Callum laughed.

“Si was obsessed with trying to turn it into something that looked like one of them boutique hotels. It didn’t suit the house at all so I changed it all when we split up.”

“Oh my god, I’d forgotten all that awful beige,” exclaimed Ben, pulling an appalled face.

“It looks great now …” Callum caught himself, reflecting that he might be sounding bitchy. “Don’t tell him I said that. He did try really hard to make it nice and I was … well, I was ungrateful.” Noah could easily see why Simon had been so in love with Callum. He seemed lovely, inside and out, with an easy confidence and a sincere warmth.

“I can’t tell him anything,” he said. “He’s gone.” His face was almost devoid of emotion and Ben and Callum focused on him. “Seeing Ben, hearing that you were married, it pushed him to do something he’s been talking about for a while.” He heaved a huge sigh and looked at the floor. “He’s moved to Australia. One of his sisters went a couple of years ago and he’s gone to stay with her while he sorts everything out.” There were slow tears at this point, like he wasn’t actually crying but tears were still falling and Ben pushed a frothy coffee and a box of tissues towards him. “I don’t know why I’m crying. I’m more relieved than anything. I was getting tired of being second best to you.” Noah huffed a wry laugh and lifted his eyes to Callum who looked embarrassed.

“You should know, he’s not perfect,” sassed Ben, casting a impudent glance at Callum. “Don’t be fooled by the pretty wrapping.”

“Shut up,” laughed Callum. Noah watched their evident fondness for each other; they stared at each other like their eyes were joined by an invisible tether, oblivious to anybody other than themselves. Simon never stood a chance, he thought.

“I’m sorry. I was being nosey. I did want to meet you, Callum,” confessed Noah. “I was kind of curious who I’d been competing with. But it’s not the only reason I’m here. After Ben found me, I decided to visit my parents but, when I went to the house, I discovered they’d moved. The new people wouldn’t give me a forwarding address – fair enough, I could be anybody - but took my details and promised to send them on. That was before Christmas and I’ve heard nothing.”

Ben frowned, thinking that Callum and he had been so preoccupied over Christmas with their own problems that they had forgotten their clients. They’d only had Noah’s parents to remember and still they had slipped their minds.

“We haven’t followed up with them yet, we usually give it a couple of weeks with tar… people like you who are thinking about making contact, but it is unusual for the clients not to ask for an update,” he confessed a little guiltily.

“Let me get the address,” offered Callum, going back towards the office. When he returned, he handed over the tablet to Noah who read the address displayed.

“This is where they said they lived?” he asked, clearly very confused. Callum and Ben looked at him questioningly. “This is where they used to live. When I went there, I was told they moved ten years ago.” All three men looked at each other, thoroughly perplexed.

“Right, well that is odd,” said Callum. “I met them in a coffee shop. That’ll teach me. We usually encourage home visits.” He tapped on his tablet and brought up some photos. “Is this them?” he asked. Noah examined the pictures and shook his head.

“I have no idea who those people are,” he said, starting to cry again this time in earnest. Ben ushered him through to the room off the kitchen and pushed him into an armchair, he and Callum sitting down as well. “I … I hoped they wanted to see me. I thought that they might have been able to accept me,” Noah said sadly. He looked from Ben to Callum. “Did your parents take it well when you came out?”

“Dad no, although he might be getting there. Mum was always good,” answered Ben.

“Dad no, mum maybe,” replied Callum. “We’ll tell you about our parents one day. It’s quite a story. But for now, we need to talk about who hired us to find you and what they wanted.” His watch started beeping. “Perfect timing.” Picking up his tablet, he called Charlie and explained the situation. “Let’s find out who they are please, Charlie,” he requested. “We’ll pick up the other stuff tomorrow.” Ringing off, he placed the tablet on the counter.

“Have you been aware of anybody hanging around, Noah?” asked Ben. “I’m wondering if these people hired us so that we would lead them to you.” Noah shook his head. His energy seemed to have suddenly disappeared and he looked worn out, his eyelids dropping involuntarily and his body slumping. “Where do you live?” asked Ben. “You look like you need a kip. Can I give you a lift home?”

“In Simon’s flat. Richmond. He said I can stay there until I find another place but it is weird. I need to move out. I came on the train.” Home was the last place he wanted to be and Noah made a spontaneous decision to only go back to the flat to collect his things. He could stay in a hotel until he found another place.

“Have a kip here,” offered Ben, deciding he didn’t want to embark on a return run to Richmond. “We’ve got a spare room you can use. As you can see,” he waved at the wall of photo tiles, “we have three children who will fill this house with chaos and noise from about three thirty, so I recommend you do it now.” Callum smiled at him reassuringly and Ben jumped up. “Follow me,” he ordered.

+++

Interrupting his investigation into Noah’s mystery pursuers, Charlie located Tilly’s school friends for Frankie and Meg, directing them to an ice cream kiosk in another park. They had spent all day following Tilly’s parents and were ready for a break. Talking to these girls was their last task of the day and their patience was in short supply.

“Hello girls,” said Meg sliding onto the bench occupied by Page and Nyoka, Frankie taking a seat next to Ellie. Meg saw her partner slyly slipping the bugs off Ellie’s bag and coat and was impressed by her stealth.

“You’re following us,” insisted Nyoka.

“We’re good investigators and you’re not hard to find,” said Frankie, repeating herself from the previous day. The girls’ attitude was no better and they again stared at her blankly, but worse today as they then turned to Meg to repeat what Frankie had said. Frankie scowled at them all, grateful to Meg for ignoring them. She recognised that her attitude was not going to help to draw information out of these three but she was beginning to realise that she hated girls like this. At twenty-three she had almost forgotten the horrors of school, but, around these three, those memories seemed less distant somehow.

“We’re sure you don’t want to sit and drink shakes with us, so talk about Tilly and we’ll be gone,” promised Meg. Like Frankie, these girls were not her cup of tea, but, unlike Frankie, she was able to focus on the job they needed to do and screen out the rest.

“What do you want to know?” asked Page. She was a beautiful girl with big eyes and a rosebud mouth, thick, softly waved deep red hair framing her pretty face. Ellie’s lovely face was heavily but attractively made up and her long, dark hair was straightened and very shiny. Nyoka was stunning, with prominent cheekbones, large, dark brown, almond shaped eyes and bright pink hair. Frankie and Meg had photos of Tilly and knew she was also a very pretty girl. This little group must have turned heads wherever they went.

“Tell us about her likes and dislikes,” urged Frankie. She had watched Callum interview people many times and was impressed with his methods; he often started with a general inquiry like this. Ellie answered first.

“Likes: K-Pop, she wanted to look like Rosé from Blackpink. Curtis.” The girls all giggled at this.

“She liked make-up and clothes and drawing,” said Page. “She wanted to get a job in fashion.”

“Strawberries, strawberry ice cream, strawberry shakes,” added Nyoka. “She had a small metal strawberry in rose gold that she wore on a necklace. Curtis got it for her. She didn’t like reading, said it took too long.”

“She liked strawberries and chips and pizza but that was pretty much it,” said Page. “She didn’t really like food. She was always arguing with her mum and dad about it.” The three girls looked at each other then at Meg and Frankie.

“She didn’t like her mum and dad,” said Ellie.

“Because of more than the food?” asked Meg.

“They snooped on her,” said Ellie, “like proper spying. Went through her room when she wasn’t there. She had to hide …” She stopped realising that she had let something slip inadvertently.

“Whatever you tell us might help to find her,” Meg reminded her.

“She hid stuff at my house that she didn’t want them to find,” Ellie said. Frankie and Meg waited, both seeing that there was a part of her that was relieved to be able to share this information. “Birth control pills. Some underwear, some clothes. A phone.” Frankie and Meg stared at her.

“A phone? Did you tell the police this?” asked Frankie, trying desperately to keep the disapproval out of her voice.

“They didn’t ask,” snapped Ellie belligerently. “And we didn’t know Tills was going to be gone so long. They treated us like silly girls.” She looked to her friends for approval and they held her hands sympathetically.

“Do you have the phone?” Frankie held her breath at the thought of this stroke of luck, then was hardly able to believe her ears when Ellie confirmed that she did indeed have the phone.

“The phone might get her into trouble,” explained Ellie. “We thought she would come back. And then, it was too late, we couldn’t say anything about it ‘cause we didn’t say anything in the first place.”

“What was she doing that would get her into trouble with the police?” questioned Meg.

“Curtis,” explained Nyoka. “It would get Curtis into trouble. He’s eighteen. Tilly was fourteen.”

They walked back with the girls to Ellie’s house to collect Tilly’s things and made them all promise to text if they thought of anything. The three of them were plainly relieved to have this burden off their hands and, as they parted ways, thanked Meg and Frankie and begged them to help Tilly. It was a stark contrast to how they’d started the interview and Frankie had a disturbing niggle that they were being played.

“They didn’t ask if we thought Tilly might be dead,” she commented as she and Meg walked back to the car. “I think that’s odd.” Megan nodded thoughtfully. She had wondered about this as well but had found the girls hard to read. It occurred to her that she found people in general hard to read and was struck by a worrying thought that this might limit her success as an investigator.

+++

Waking in the bed in Callum’s and Ben’s spare room, Noah was mortified. What had he been thinking of? Okay, he had wanted to meet Callum but turning up at his house was simply creepy. How was he going to face them both? Surely they thought he was strange. Unsure about going downstairs, he sat on the edge of the bed. The room was restful, decorated in a pale blue-grey, heavy curtains in a unusual curvy pattern, silver lines on grey, framing the large windows that overlooked the street. There were two light blue velvet armchairs flanking a small table with a light grey marble top. Tasteful artwork hung on the walls and one of the alcoves was fully shelved and housed an extensive fiction collection. He wondered who was the reader. Maybe he could live here and never leave this beautiful room? God knew he needed some respite. Feeling sorry for himself, he slumped into one of the chairs.

A gentle knock on the door disturbed him. It was followed by Callum.

“How’re you doing?” Callum asked gently. He could see Noah’s unhappy face and sat down in the other chair.

“You must think I’m … unhinged,” replied Noah. “I don’t know what I was thinking of, turning up at my ex’s ex’s house. It’s … I don’t know, I can’t even find the right word. Stalker behaviour. I can’t believe myself.”

“You wanted to find out about your parents. You wouldn’t have come otherwise,” stated Callum reasonably. “Meeting the person your ex had put on a pedestal – well, I think most people would have been curious. It was like a tempting extra.” He smiled generously at Noah who visibly relaxed.

“I think you’re being kind,” he smiled back.

“Yeah?” laughed Callum. “And why not be kind?”

He and Ben had spent some time talking about Noah. Callum had remembered how being with Simon had been isolating and how he had lost most of his friends; he wondered if it had been the same for Noah and suggested to Ben that Noah might be lonely. They both instinctively liked him and decided they would like to get to know him more.

“Listen, Ben and me are going down to The Prince Albert tonight to meet some friends. It’s Ben’s mum’s bar, down near the station.” Callum looked at Noah thoughtfully wondering if it was strange to invite somebody you hardly knew on a night out with friends. “Are you working tonight? You could come along.” Noah reflected that this area was diametrically opposite in London from where he lived. Could he get home and back in time? It was ridiculous for him to consider going out so far from home but he knew he was going to do it. He’d had an emotional few days since Simon had left and was anxious about having nowhere to live and no friends. Visiting Callum and Ben today, whilst a completely crazy move, felt like it was the right thing to have done. He hadn’t expected to like them.

“I’m not working tonight and, thank you, I’d love to come along … so I better get on my way then or I won’t make it back.” He stood up. “Thank you, Callum. Thank Ben as well, will you?”

On the train on his way back to Richmond, Noah got out his phone and booked a hotel in Docklands for a few nights. He was going to pack his things and move out of Simon’s flat today. He didn’t own much and it would definitely all fit in the black cab he was going to take to his hotel. Tomorrow, he would find a place to live nearer to work.

Several hours later, his worldly possessions piled into his hotel room, he left for The Prince Albert and was surprised to find it only twenty minutes on the train from Docklands. Maybe he could come here more often. Callum and Ben were walking down the street as he arrived and called out a greeting. It was a nice feeling to know people and walk in a bar with others and Noah was struck with a realisation that this hadn’t happened to him in a long time. He had been with Simon for more than two years and before that had been with his previous boyfriend, Louis, for four years. Louis had been even more possessive than Simon and Noah had now lost all of the friends he’d had before he met him. He was excited about the idea of making some new ones.

Ben’s mum Kathy was behind the bar and Noah was introduced to her first. She surveyed him appreciating his lovely manners and noticing his warm, brown eyes and his mop of thick brown curls. He was average height like Ben, slim but looked like he worked out. His voice was husky with a soft Northern accent; it was very attractive, seductive even. He will be snapped up in here, she thought. After a short conversation, Callum, Ben and Noah headed over to a table to meet their friends.

“Matt, Amit, Ollie,” introduced Ben. “This is Noah. Guess whose ex he is.” Noah snapped his head round to stare at Ben, horrified at the introduction. Ben laughed. “They’ll find out sooner or later so let’s just get it over with.” His smile was reassuring.

“George?” guessed Ollie.

“Ooh, good guess,” said Callum. “But no.” He looked at Noah. “George might turn up later and, be warned, he will make a move on you.”

“And should I accept?” questioned Noah, getting into the spirit of the game but then surprised to see Callum blush. So, he wondered, was George another ex of Callum’s?

“Yes, Callum, tell us,” teased Ben, “is it worth Noah giving George a go?” Callum put a loving arm around Ben and pulled him towards him for a lingering kiss.

“Definitely!” he quipped cheekily, looking Ben straight in the eyes. They laughed at each other, besotted as always.

“Enough of that,” ordered Matt. “This is not date night!” Callum and Ben stole another kiss and untangled themselves. “They can’t keep their hands off each other,” Matt explained to Noah, “but we insist they try.” Everybody laughed as Callum and Ben both sighed and rolled their eyes.

Matt and Amit were both teachers. Matt was a primary school teacher at Tyler’s and Roman’s school, and Amit was a science teacher at the high school. They had become friends with Callum and Ben after Matt and Ben had bonded over an impromptu tango display at Lexi’s end of primary school celebration.

“Not Johnny?” guessed Amit.

“Oh, terrible guess,” said Callum, pulling a disgusted face. “Does Noah look like he would do Johnny?”

“Excuse me,” huffed Ollie, turning to Noah to explain. “Johnny is my ex and he’s well worth a go … if you manage to find him sober and can be sure of where he’s been.” He looked at Callum and Ben. “Just tell us already.” Callum relented.

“Simon,” he said.

“Really?” said Amit somewhat enviously, earning a jab from Matt. Noah couldn’t help but laugh at all of their impressed faces.

“Okay, I give you that, he was very nice to look at,” he said, smiling conspiratorially at Callum. “But he was a fuckin’ nutjob.” Ben spluttered on his beer and Callum guffawed. Amit, Matt and Ollie had never met Simon in person – they had only seen photos – so they gathered from this scoffing that all that glitters is not gold and Simon was NOT worth a go.

Kathy watched her son, his husband and their friends and saw genuine friendship with oodles of warmth, interest and kindness. She liked the look of the new guy, Noah; he seemed like he was a good fit for this group. As the evening went on, the dancing started and she watched Ben enjoying the music, having a moment of maternal pride that he was such a good dancer. He and Callum were completely wrapped up in each other which she was relieved to see as something had definitely been wrong between Christmas and New Year. She didn’t expect them never to have problems but she was happy to see them able to resolve them.

Their friend George turned up, with another man in tow who he swiftly ditched to concentrate on Noah who was talking to Ollie. Kathy noticed a look of frustration cross Ollie’s face before he masked it and moved away to dance with the others. George was persistent but Noah kept him at arm’s length - he didn’t want another of Callum’s exes – extricating himself from the attention and returning to the dancing. He was as good at it as Ben and, as the two couples were dancing with each other, he seized Ollie and expertly guided the dance. The frisson that went through them as they got close startled them both and they put some distance between them to be safe. Neither wanted to jump into something new.

Sneakily watching across the dance floor, Callum and Ben shared a sly, satisfied look. Their intention had not been matchmaking but they had both picked up a small look of interest from Ollie as Noah was introduced. They had wondered if there might be a spark between them. There was no rush - it was definitely there. And if it came to nothing, then it was all good because Noah was lovely and would make a great new friend.


	6. Families

**THURSDAY 7.1**

Arranging first for Kathy to pick the children up from school, Callum and Ben headed off to see Phil, something that Callum had not yet done since Phil had been sent down. Ben had been triggered by his answer to Noah the previous day and wanted to see how his dad reacted to them together. Although he recognised that his wish might be denied, deep down he still craved his dad’s acceptance.

“I know why you want me along,” remarked Callum. Ben, who was driving, looked across at him questioningly. “It was Noah’s question yesterday,” continued Callum, “and you said maybe your dad was getting there accepting you’re gay. This is a test, ain’t it?”

“I know it’s stupid …”

“Did I say that? I didn’t say that,” refuted Callum.

“… but he might have wrapped his head around it … he might …” Ben insisted, glancing across and seeing Callum’s doubtful face. “anyway, we’re here now. So, unless you want to hide in the car …”

“Stop with the passive aggressive bullshit. I’m here, ain’t I? Unless you’ve lost your nerve, and you WANT me to stay in the car.” Callum stared challengingly at Ben.

“Passive aggressive Olympics much,” snarked Ben. “You’d win the fuckin’ gold medal.” Their little cross faces broke into grins. “Come on, champion,” laughed Ben, as he got out of the car. Callum waited for him to come round and, slinging his arm around him, planted a kiss on his forehead.

“Let’s go get some approval then,” he said.

If Phil was surprised to see Callum, it wasn’t obvious.

“Alright Callum,” he said in a friendly greeting, sitting down after giving Ben a hug and surveying his tall, handsome son-in-law. “You’re looking well.” He continued to stare at him before saying, “Roman and Tyler look a lot like ya. People must think they’re yours.”

“They are mine,” said Callum calmly. Phil was right. People did assume the boys were his biological sons and he was always having to explain that they were adopted sons, biological nephews. It was tiresome.

“You know what I mean. I know they’re yours. ‘S like Denny was mine … ‘cept even closer ‘cause you are blood related to ‘em.” Phil paused, looking for a change of topic perhaps having an insight that this one was not going anywhere. “Ben says Roman likes football.”

“Yeah he does,” agreed Callum, seemingly affable but in reality determined to challenge. “He likes his art more, though. Painting, drawing.” Ben sat quietly, witnessing the interchange and wondering who was going to yield.

“Hmmph,” harrumphed Phil. “I’m never gonna ‘ave anyone to talk about the footie with, am I?”

“Me,” offered Callum. “I’m your man for that.” He found himself smiling at the man he had hated for his abuse of Ben and receiving a smile in return. There was not a lot he would not do for Ben and, knowing how desperately Ben wanted to improve his relationship with his dad, he was prepared to make an effort.

“Okay then,” said Phil and launched into ten minutes of animated discussion with Callum about the latest woes of West Ham.

“Do they know about me?” asked Phil suddenly. Ben and Callum knew he was talking about Roman and Tyler.

“No,” said Callum. “But we want them to. We’re just waiting for them to ask. We’ve thought about putting up a photo to prompt them. What do you think?”

“Don’t Lex talk about me?” Phil looked sad and Ben took a breath before responding, knowing he was about to deliver a damaging blow.

“No, dad, I’m sorry. She doesn’t.”

“But we’re not ‘appy about that,” interjected Callum, his East London accent stronger when talking to Phil. Maybe he’s trying to connect with him, wondered Ben. Callum carried on. “We’re not ashamed. We don’t want them to be ashamed. We’re tryin’ to think of the best way to ‘andle it.” Phil’s head turned to him hopefully. “When you’re out, you’ll be Lexi’s, Roman’s and Tyler’s grandad. Peggy’s as well. If you’re up for it, it’ll be a warm and lovin’ relationship … for all of ya.”

“Right,” growled Phil gruffly to mask his emotions which were dangerously near to spilling out, “well … we’ve got time to work it out, ain’t we?” He huffed an unhappy laugh prompting Ben to reach across and squeeze his hand.

“We WILL make it work, dad.” Phil nodded not trusting himself to speak. Unexpectedly, Callum reached across and put a hand on top of Ben’s hand so that their three hands were stacked.

“Trust us,” he said, “please.” Phil nodded again looking at them both through tear-filled eyes.

“Yeah, well,” he mumbled, “if anyone can make it work, I reckon you two can.”

Callum could feel Ben’s delight without having to look at him. Who knew that two little words – “you two” – could be so powerful?

“Anyway,” Phil carried on, needing to change the subject, “I got some information for you on that thing you asked about.” Ben sat up and focused, both he and Callum listening carefully as Phil spoke. “Don’t get excited. It’s not a lot ‘cause I’m keeping out of it. But … look at kids’ bank accounts.” Ben’s and Callum’s eyes widened.

“Kids!” exclaimed Ben. “Right, well, we’ll look into that. Thanks dad … but please keep on with keeping out of it, yeah?”

The conversation turned to more domestic matters. Ben observed Phil’s pleasure talking about their plans for a new kitchen – it was a subject he would not have tolerated before he was sent down, a clue that Phil was hanging on by threads. He refused steadfastly to talk about his life in the prison and Ben was worried that maybe his dad wasn’t coping that well. It was very clear that he was depressed. As they got up to leave, Phil stopped for a moment.

“You two,” – those words again – “be ‘appy, yeah.” And he turned and was gone.

Ben was on cloud nine as they walked back to the car, practically dancing his steps.

“He didn’t ignore that we’re together, didn’t pretend we were anything else. He didn’t roll his eyes at us, not once. I’d say that was acceptance. What d’ya think? I think it was, don’t you? He told us to be happy, together he meant, I think.” Callum silenced him with a finger on his lips.

“Yeah, all of that,” he smiled. It was a big deal, parental love, supposed to be unconditionally given, and he hoped that Phil was going to be as accepting on the outside as on the inside. It certainly seemed possible but there was a whisper deep inside of him that felt that Phil still had control of Ben.

+++

Having spent the day sifting through the photos and videos he had taken, Marcus was beginning to assemble his evidence wall. Frankie and Meg had been following Karen and Paul Driver for most of the day, but now Frankie was attempting to use lip-reading to lift conversations from the videos Marcus had taken at a distance while Marcus was explaining his process to Meg.

“It feels like a county lines kind of hierarchy,” he explained, “though we know she works for drug dealers so she’s not likely to be competing with them. Sam meets with these three, who each have another three to five people that they meet. See on this line here. These are the ones that meet with the school kids, most of them running two or three kids. Each kid is from a different school, twenty-eight high schools altogether.” It was a massive network.

“So what do the kids get up to?” asked Meg, examining the fresh faces in the photographs and remembering how easy it was at that age to get involved with the wrong people.

“I don’t know. I’m not sure how to follow them. I think they would spot me,” admitted Marcus. “So, it might be a job for you … if Callum okays it. Because we only have one kid per school, my guess is that these kids have whole teams of other kids underneath them.”

This case involved ruthless people and Marcus wished they hadn’t become involved; he much preferred their usual work which was not dangerous at all. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to change the world - he did; he desperately wanted these children to be safe from criminal exploitation. But he didn’t have the crusading zeal of Callum and Ben to right injustices by sticking their heads above the parapet and being shot at. His Arts Centre was how he strove to make a difference, bringing something positive and nourishing into people’s lives.

Knowing how enamoured Frankie was of Meg, Marcus was keen to get to know her better. He watched her from the corner of his eye as she set about digging online for the names that he hadn’t managed to get. Able to focus and structure her thinking incredibly well, her fingers danced rapidly over the keyboard. She was most relaxed like now when she was in her own zone, working by herself but Marcus could see that she was interested in the rest of them and seemed like she wanted to establish relationships with them. He switched his gaze to Frankie who was concentrating, her face screwed up, tongue poking put slightly. Her favourite occupation was her photography, and she could earn her living that way as she had lots of requests for commissions, but she would not leave MHI as it gave her a precious sense of belonging. This was what they all valued and Meg was the same.

A sonar pulse sound effect alerted them all to the arrival of Charlie, whose face appeared on the large screen.

“Hello Charlie,” smiled Meg, pleased to see him. Frankie waved and Marcus called out a greeting.

“Are Ben and Callum out?” Charlie asked, peering around the room.

“Yes,” replied Marcus. “They should be back soon though.”

“They’ve both gone to see Ben’s dad. Next week, they’re both going to see Callum’s mum. They’re obviously on a Challenge Homophobia drive,” explained Frankie. Marcus looked at Charlie curiously.

“Do you have parents, Charlie? That you see?”

“No. I was a foster kid mostly but less than a year with each family. I’m not in touch with any of them. I’ve never known my biological parents. I don’t need to know them.” Charlie’s matter-of-fact tone and calm demeanour told Marcus that none of this was a problem to him.

“So between the six of us, bearing in mind we’re between twenty-one and thirty-three, which is quite young,” calculated Marcus, “we have three dead parents, three never known parents, two estranged parents and two in prison. That leaves just Eilish and Kathy as parents … plus Mike and Sharon if we count step-parents. Ben is the lucky one, isn’t he?” Marcus’ parents had died two years previously but he still missed them every day and there was a huge hole in his life left from their departure from this world. It made him very grateful for the warm relationship he enjoyed with Frankie’s mum, Eilish.

There was a moment of silence as they all reflected on their lives and were thankful for each other.

“Fuckin’ love you all,” Frankie burst out. “And those lovely fuckers we work for.” Big smiles all around her returned the sentiment. This mutual grinning was interrupted by the lovely fuckers arriving back.

“What have we missed?” quizzed Ben, intrigued by the soft atmosphere.

“We’re appreciating each other,” explained Marcus. “How important we all are to each other.”

“’We’ve been talking about parents. Apart from you, and me I suppose, we’re all a bit short on parents,” added Frankie.

“Okay, well Ben and me don’t need to BE parents this evening as the children are round at Kathy’s until a bit later, so how about we move to the kitchen and I’ll make us all some dinner?” offered Callum revelling in the connectedness of his team. “You as well Charlie, so don’t go.”

In the kitchen, Marcus, Frankie and Meg set themselves up at the breakfast counter as Ben handed round beers. They connected a tablet to the TV and Charlie joined them.

“It’s a clear benefit to us all livin’ near each other that none of us need to drive home,” Ben maintained, clinking bottles and taking a swig. “So what have you all been workin’ on today?”

Marcus explained what he had found out about Sam Turner and her link to schools, at which Callum and Ben stopped what they were doing and stared at him.

“What?” asked Marcus, recognising that something he had said had been significant.

“Phil mentioned something today,” said Callum, putting the pieces of the jigsaw together in his head. “He thought Sam might be using kid’s bank accounts for money laundering.”

“Makes sense,” nodded Marcus. “Are we going to chase up that as a theory then or go straight to DI Peacock?” The sooner this was all handed over to the police, the better as far as Marcus was concerned. Unfortunately for him, the rest of the team were curious to find out more, but Marcus wasn’t ready to give in.

“We don’t have names of the children involved so we would have to start snooping on them. It’s a lot more questionable for us to start following children.”

Callum and Ben agreed with this.

“Okay, I’ll call Amanda,” Callum said.

The conversation moved onto Karen and Paul Driver. Ben and Charlie had already found out that the job Paul claimed to do didn’t actually exist and Karen was off work long-term with stress. Frankie’s and Meg’s tailing of them revealed that Karen spent most of her day tailing Paul without his knowledge and Paul spent most of the day driving young people from one house to another.

“Oh god, more sexual exploitation of young girls,” deplored Ben. “I know it’s been going on since the beginning of time but it still depresses me.”

“Definitely not just girls,” advised Meg. “Probably seventy-thirty girls boys. Paul drops them off and an hour later, sometimes more, he’ll pick them up.”

“We’ll follow them for another few days, then start our evidence wall,” said Frankie.

“We want to see if there are new kids every day or if there’s a limited set that are being used,” explained Meg, blinking as Callum handed her cutlery. What was she expected to do? He ushered her towards the dining room.

“Help me set the table,” he instructed, bemused as Meg stood there looking lost, then recognising the cultural impoverishment he so often revealed himself. “Here are the mats, one on the table in front of each chair for five of us, forks on the left, knives on the right, coasters for drinks just above the top right corner of each mat, three mats in the centre of the table for the oven trays .” Meg hurriedly complied, conscious that Callum was watching her.

“What?” she complained, his continued gaze making her feel uncomfortable.

“That was easier when I told you what to do, wasn’t it? It’s the same for us. Just tell us, Megan, how you like things. We want you to feel good being here,” he said, hoping that this wasn’t too vague.

“Call me Meg,” she said, flicking a glance his way that lasted no more than a nano-second. “Frankie calls me Meg and I like it. The instructions about the mats were good, specific, that’s what I need.” She looked at the table, clearly worried. “It’s not the table. I have eaten at a table before, like in a restaurant. It’s the food. I can’t eat different foods together and I don’t know what you have made.”

“It’s an oven tray with sausages, potatoes and vegetables being roasted. There’s a veg one as well ‘cause Marcus is vegan. There’ll be a basket of bread ‘cause … well who doesn’t love bread? It goes with everything. And a green salad. Ben says I’m obsessed with green food.” He looked at her. “What about if I’d done like a tomato sauce with pasta? Sauce is made of different foods.”

“No, sauce is one thing, like cake, as long as it is smooth. So I can eat the sauce just not at the same time as the pasta.” Meg was surprised that she wasn’t finding the conversation too awkward and recognised that she was alright because she trusted Callum to be asking the questions for the right reason which was that he wanted her to feel comfortable. It was a new feeling to have somebody be considerate of her and it was a little unnerving but she was determined not to take flight through nerves. “Do you eat together a lot?” she wondered. Callum nodded.

“We do. Usually the kids are here as well. How do you feel about joining us more often?”

“Yeah, good,” accepted Meg graciously. “I think I might like it.”

Callum sat down at the table and pulled a chair out for her.

“Everybody’s going to come through in about five minutes but I want to ask you about something,” he began. Meg sat down apprehensively. “You’re on a case involving the sexual exploitation of kids. That was you six years ago.” The colour drained from Meg’s face and she started to rise from her seat but Callum stilled her with his hand on her arm. “You’re safe here,” he stated simply then waited for her to resume sitting. “We want to make sure that this case is not going to hurt you. We will always, always want to keep you safe and happy.”

“You know things about me that I didn’t tell you,” whispered Meg. The confusion and shame she had felt as a sex worker had never left her and she felt horrible that these people all knew what she had done.

“I know,” said Callum, his hand still on her arm. “I’m sorry but we can’t change that. We’re hoping to build some trust so that you feel the same way about us as you do about Charlie. You don’t mind him knowing your history, do ya? The way we do that is by spending time together, sharing new experiences and old. You up for that?”

Meg nodded. Callum carried on.

“You’ll find out stuff about us that will shock you, well about Ben and me maybe not the others, we’re the ones with the chequered pasts. We always say you can’t change the past, you can only learn from it and change the future. It helps us, thinking like that. So, back to the first question. How’re you gonna be around kids that remind you of yourself?”

“I don’t know,” replied Meg, desperately hoping that he wasn’t going to pull her from the case, “but I want to try.”

“Right, then that’s what you do,” agreed Callum, noticing Meg’s instant relief. “But you’ve got to keep talking to us and we will ask you about it. We will be looking after you. Deal?” She nodded. A wave of relief washed over Callum. It was a conversation that had been needed but he had been extremely anxious about getting it right. “How are you about hugs?” he asked, feeling the need for some physical comfort. “I’m a bit of a hugger and so is Ben - his are great.” Callum’s wistful tone as he thought about being in the arms of his beloved husband was lost on Meg thankfully.

“I can’t remember ever having one,” said Meg, wondering if this meant he was going to hug her and very unsure as to what she thought about that. It meant exactly that. Callum pulled her to standing and wrapped his arms around her and whispered in her ear that she was safe. It was strange at first but Meg discovered, if she closed her eyes, she could feel the generosity and support in it - it was a good feeling but she thought she could do without it.

“Okay?” asked Callum, pulling away. This chat had been difficult for him to get right and he’d been anxious about creating new problems for Meg. His stress meant that he needed the hug more than she had.

“Yeah,” smiled Meg.

“We won’t be in your space hugging you ever other minute but if things are stressful, it can help I think. If you don’t like it, just say.” She nodded again and smiled, silently relieved. Two new friends today: Marcus and Callum. She was looking forward to connecting with Ben.

As Callum had predicted, the others came through carrying food. Charlie on the tablet was placed at the head of the table. He had his own food in front of him and Meg realised he was going to eat with them. Suddenly her own habits didn’t seem so strange. The conversation was random and meandering which ordinarily Meg would have found difficult, but she found that, if she zoned out a little, it was like a pleasant background noise. As the eating was done and they were sitting comfortably drinking beers, there was noise from the front of the house and three children and an attractive older woman came into the dining room.

“Mum, this is Meg, newest member of the MHI team,” announced Ben. “Meg, this is my mum, Kathy. Kids, meet Meg, come and introduce yourselves.”

“Hello Meg. I’m Lexi,” said Lexi, taking in the cool clothes and hair on this very pretty young woman.

“Hi Meg. I’m Roman,” grinned Tyler.

“I’m Tyler,” smiled Roman.

“Oi, you pair of tinkers,” laughed Callum, he and the boys sharing their dazzling smiles. “This is Roman and this is Tyler,” he clarified.

“So,” said Kathy, kissing first Callum then Ben on the forehead, “I’m off. Homework is done except Lexi has a bit of reading she’s gonna do in bed.” She waved at everybody and left. It was a cue for everybody else and they all stood, said their goodbyes and headed home.

+++

Back at home, Meg pulled up her files about Ben and Callum. There was not a lot that she hadn’t been able to find. Certainly all the details from their criminal pasts were known to her. Was she as shocked as Callum had thought? Not really.

**SATURDAY 9.1**

“So what is Ben up to today?” asked Stuart, as he and Callum were enjoying a morning coffee on his balcony that overlooked the new park. The London Stadium, home of their adored West Ham, was brightly visible from here, the criss-crosses of white reflecting the winter sunlight. Today was the day they were taking Roman and Tyler to their first ever live West Ham game. Lexi was wedding planning with Whitney for the day. Nothing at all gender stereotypical about their activities, thought Callum sardonically.

“He’s helping a friend move home.” Callum loved going to the football but today he would rather have spent the day with Ben, Noah and Ollie. He reminded himself to make an effort for this not to show. It wasn’t working.

“You’re seein’ ‘im tonight, for a full night of whatever you want as the kids are stayin’ ‘ere. You can manage a few ‘ours wivout ‘im,” grumped Stuart.

“What’re you talking about? I’m looking forward to the game,” insisted Callum. A burst of laughing from inside caused him to turn round and he saw Whitney attempting a dance move that Lexi was demonstrating.

“Oh, I can actually do that,” said Stuart, scrambling to his feet. Callum followed him inside and was witness to Stuart, true to his word, displaying his fancy footwork. “Come on bruv,” he shouted. “Give it a go.” Soon, they were all practising and, as their skills improved, Lexi organised all of them into a formation and set up her phone to record. It took a few attempts but eventually they had a reasonably proficient version recorded. Callum watched Lexi posting the video.

“You sending it to Dad?” he asked.

“I can,” replied Lexi, quickly opening her phone again and sending the video to Ben. Callum frowned.

“So who did you send it to first?” he asked, holding out his hand for her phone. Lexi scowled at him.

“I’m almost thirteen,” she moaned, refusing to hand her phone over. “You don’t need to check everything I do.”

“Five months, Lex, five months before you’re thirteen and even then you won’t necessarily be allowed to have whatever apps you want just because you’ve reached the age they say. Hand over the phone.” Lexi could see Callum meant business but she knew she was going to be in trouble for downloading forbidden apps and she was prepared to go down fighting.

“It’s spying on me,” she asserted. “I have a right to privacy.” Stuart and Whitney watched on, eager to pick up parenting dos and don’ts. Roman and Tyler had seen it all before and got on with their own thing.

“Give me the phone, Lex, or I will take it from you,” threatened Callum.

“I’m gonna call my dad and see what he says,” Lexi shot back, her vicious streak coming right out to play.

“I am your dad,” said Callum quietly, knowing in his heart that Lexi didn’t mean to hurt him but being hurt nonetheless.

“Not yet you’re not,” snapped Lexi, lobbing her final grenade. “So you don’t get to look at my phone.” She looked scared and horrified at her own words and, as Callum held out his hand, she handed over the phone. He pocketed it without looking at it and went back out onto the balcony without a word.

“Lexi darling,” whispered Whitney nervously, “that was … it was … you need to apologise.”

“No,” shouted Lexi, furious at herself more than anything, “I don’t. He isn’t my dad yet. I didn’t say anything that isn’t true. My dad would let me have that app, I know he would.”

“No he wouldn’t,” said Stuart, “and you know it. You also know that Callum is your dad.” Angry that all of the adults were ganging up against her, Lexi let out a infuriated yowl, burst into noisy tears and flounced off into her bedroom.

Callum was fine. Parenting wannabe teenagers was as difficult as parenting the real thing and he and Ben had talked a lot about how they were going to approach it. The adoption counsellor they had seen had discussed with them the likely scenario of Lexi playing the “you’re not my real dad” card, so Callum knew this was common and to be expected. He thought about how much he loved her and headed back inside.

“Lex,” he said to the heaving body face down on the bed. A strangled sound came from it and a hand emerged sticking out to be held. Remembering he was the grown up and it was on him to demonstrate resolution, he took the proffered olive branch hand.

“I love you Lexi. That piece of paper we’re expecting won’t change a thing. I AM your dad.” More strangled sobbing came from her. “Lex, I can’t hear you. Sit up.”

She turned over and sat up, her face blotchy with crying. She reached out to be pulled onto Callum’s lap, and when there, slung her arms around his neck.

“I am REALLY sorry Daddy,” she wept. “I’m such a BRAT. You should take my phone and never give it back.”

“If I do that, you won’t be able to prove to me that you’re responsible. As far as I can see so far, you are not showing me that you’re responsible because you have downloaded things that you know you shouldn’t’ve. So here’s the phone. I want you to show me what’s on it.” A fresh barrage of wet sobs hit his neck.

“You’re going to be so angry,” wailed Lexi.

“No I’m not. But if we aren’t gonna have honesty about this, then there will be much tighter boundaries on what you’re allowed to do until Dad and me know for sure that you are trustworthy. So show me how you are gonna start being trustworthy.”

Lexi twisted round so that she and Callum were looking at the phone together. As she opened it, he could see a number of apps that he knew nothing about. He and Ben had thought they had set it so that they were informed about her downloads but there was clearly a way around that.

“So, first, you have found a way of keeping things hidden from me and Dad. You’re twelve Lexi and we’ve discussed this. It’s not okay. We’ve promised to review what you have access to on every birthday. It will completely depend on how responsible, reliable and honest you’ve been.”

“Not looking good for this year, then,” sulked Lexi.

“No, you’re right,” agreed Callum, feeling her slump despondently. “What are you going to do with these apps?” She silently went through each screen, deleting as she went.

“Everybody else has them,” she pleaded, hovering hesitantly over her favourites.

“No they don’t,” said Callum. “Some kids do. And I promise you Lexi, it isn’t safe. I know you don’t see the danger but, trust me, it’s there.” She curled her slight frame into him and he wrapped her in his long arms and kissed her blond curls.

“I’m also REALLY sorry about the dad thing. You’re my dad … for all time.” Callum was taken aback at her use of his and Ben’s promise words.

“For all time, eh?”

“Yeah,” she said, “it’s on Dad’s bracelet, the one you got him. I like the words. You’re my dad for all time.”

“Okay then.” He kissed the tip of her nose. “Go and wash your face before getting out there and apologising for being a brat.” Her eyes widened at the slur but he kissed her nose again and pushed her towards the door.

+++

Laughing loudly at the video from Lexi, Ben proffered the phone to Ollie and Noah who looked at it interestedly.

“Those Highway boys might be ridiculously sporty but they are not dancers,” scoffed Ben.

“It looks pretty good to me,” commented Ollie. “You think you can improve on that?”

“Oh, I know so,” bragged Ben. “Who do you think taught the kids?” And he launched into a vigorous display of the dance. Noah watched for a few seconds and then jumped up.

“Okay, show me,” he demanded. Minutes later, he and Ben had perfected the routine, Ollie had recorded it and it had been sent to Callum.

Noah’s new place was near to where Callum and Ben and Ollie lived. The prices in Docklands were extortionate and he’d discovered he could get a two bedroom garden flat if he moved a little further out. It was more dirty and scruffy than he remembered from the viewing only three days previously so they were currently deciding if what was needed was a good clean before unpacking. As well as being distracted by dancing.

“Right then,” said Ollie. “Noah, you go down to the little Tesco and pick up cleaning supplies and snacks. Ben and I will pull up this carpet. Whatever is underneath has got to be better than this.”

They got lucky. Underneath the disgusting rug were beautiful old floorboards.

“They could probably do with a sand and a polish but equally they’re fine as they are,” assessed Ollie. He lived in a tiny newbuild studio flat on the tenth floor of a thirty floor tower and the proportions of this flat were making him envious. “He’s hardly got any stuff and no furniture at all. Maybe he should rent my flat, he can have it fully furnished, and I could move here. I’m ready for somewhere a bit bigger and I think I’d have fun making it my own.”

“Stop it,” laughed Ben. “If you want a bigger flat, sell yours and buy one. Or let yours and rent somewhere else but leave Noah’s alone. He’s found an absolute gem here.”

“He has, hasn’t he?” muttered Ollie, his jealousy growing.

When he returned, Noah was excited about having found a second-hand furniture shop round the corner. He dumped the cleaning supplies and urged Ben and Ollie to follow him.

“I’d forgotten about this place,” remarked Ben. “See the back of that house there, the one without the loft conversion, that’s my mum’s house.”

The shop was an Aladdin’s cave and they emerged an hour later with Noah having bought two leather armchairs, a large chest of drawers, a wardrobe, a quirky side table and a lamp. The shop owner agreed to deliver it all the following Monday.

“Definitely need a bed,” said Ollie, even more envious when he compared Noah’s interesting furniture to his modern stuff that made his flat look like every other flat in the block. Noah had been highly selective, rummaging around the crowded store for things he really liked. Ben had also enjoyed searching and had managed to find a lamp that he bought. Ollie felt like the gloomy, grumpy one who couldn’t be bothered to make his home look appealing. 

“I ordered a mattress and bed online a couple of days ago,” said Noah. “It’s coming on Tuesday. But I do need bed linen, kitchen stuff, curtains. Shit, this is never-ending. Anyway, enough shopping, let’s clean.”

It turned out that none of them had the enthusiasm required for a deep clean.

“Let’s outsource it,” said Ben, going through his phone. He called first a chimney sweep (the fireplace was horrific), then a window-cleaner, then an oven-cleaner who all agreed to come out on the following Monday. Ollie realised he could be more useful and rang his cleaners who said they would come the following day. Noah called the furniture shop and delayed his delivery until Tuesday.

“There’s no point unpacking your stuff until the place has been cleaned, so we might as well head back to our house,” reasoned Ben. The three of them left the flat looking exactly as it had when they had arrived that morning minus one grubby carpet but feeling that they had achieved a great deal.

When Callum arrived home about half an hour later, Ben had set the table and ordered takeaway and was entertaining their guests with tall tales as they lounged in the living room with beers.

“Don’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth,” he called as he went to the kitchen to collect a beer for himself. Coming back towards the front of the house, he felt a moment of sadness for Johnny; he, Ben, Johnny and Ollie had spent many a night exactly like this, laughing and joking over beers and a Chinese. Johnny had not been around since the day after New Year’s Day and Callum spontaneously sent him a quick text.

_It’s gonna be fine. Hope you’re ok_

Entering the room, he flopped down on the big sofa next to Ben and reached across for a kiss.

“Good day?” murmured Ben, kissing him back.

“Yeah, you?” He made eye-contact with Ben, who nodded and smiled.

“Well, on reflection, we probably didn’t get as far as we could have,” confessed Ben. “Noah’s going to have to stay here until at least Tuesday, maybe longer depending on when he can get out shopping.”

“I’ve got to work tomorrow, Monday and Tuesday,” explained Noah. “Ollie has offered to make sure the various work people and delivery companies can get in. So I could shop on Wednesday and be in Wednesday night.” Callum and Ben looked at Ollie wondering how on earth he was going to come good on that promise - he had to go to work himself - and why he had felt compelled to make it. He stared back at them sheepishly.

“Rosa and Marguerita are going to go in on Monday and Tuesday instead of tomorrow,” he explained. He couldn’t quite explain to himself why he was so keen to help this man that he had known for less than a week.

“It’s a great flat,” enthused Ben. “Ollie’s torn up with envy. He wants to move in himself.”

“Ben,” complained Ollie, with a warning tone. “I am not. I do not.” Noah watched Ollie’s discomfort with interest, wondering what Ollie had actually said. Ollie caught his eye and sighed.

“Okay, I am envious. I live in a studio flat devoid of character and, yes, I think I would prefer your flat. So I said, to big mouth here, that maybe you could rent my flat and I could have your beautiful flat. It was a throwaway comment.” He glared at Ben.

Saving further embarrassment to Ollie, the doorbell signalled the arrival of the food and they all moved into the dining room. Noah was quizzed extensively on his childhood, his hobbies and anything else that came to mind for Callum, Ben and Ollie.

“Oh my god, you lot,” he laughed. “I feel like I’m being interviewed.”

“For the position of …?” quizzed Callum.

“Daughter’s boyfriend?” suggested Noah. “Someone who has to be amazing and who you’ll crucify if they slip up.”

“Shit, we’re scary then,” said Ben. “Our daughter’s only twelve though, so it’s definitely not happening.”

“Not because I’m gay then?” laughed Noah.

“Yep, that might also be an issue,” agreed Callum as Ollie giggled at the absurdity of the conversation.

“So, seeing as you’ve been so nosey about me, I think I should get a free question about each of you,” said Noah.

“Okay, shoot,” agreed Ben, always up for a bit of jeopardy.

“Worst mistake.” Noah would have bet his last pound on Ben having made lots of mistakes.

“Outing Callum to his dad,” Ben answered instantly. “I’ve never been more ashamed and sorry about anything in my life.” Callum reached for him and stroked his cheek.

“Just history,” he murmured. “Can’t change the past. Can change the future.” Ben smiled at him and held Callum’s hand on his cheek.

“Next, Callum, favourite memory.”

“So many, all with Ben, but my favourite …” turning aside to Ben, “I don’t think I’ve told you this …” and turning back, “was the moment we decided we were going all in. We’d been dancing around each other, trying to be with other people, then, that night, we talked about our boyfriends, what good sex we’d been having and then we looked at each other and we knew. Ben asked “we’re doing this?” and I said “we’re doing this.” It was a fuckin’ delicious moment.” Ben dragged his chair next to Callum’s and placing both hands around Callum’s face pulled him in for a kiss.

“I fuckin’ loved that moment too. Exciting,” he said, bedroom eyes locked on Callum.

“Thank god it’s my question next or we’d have to watch them jumping each other,” observed Ollie. Callum pushed Ben’s chair away and mouthed “behave” at him.

“Okay Ollie,” said Noah, a cheeky smile playing with the side of his mouth, “Biggest wish for the future.” Ollie stared at this gorgeous man in front of him, with his wavy brown hair and his big brown eyes and his sexy, smiling mouth and all he could think of was that he wanted him. But he couldn’t say that.

“It’s going to make me sound even more envious than I’ve already been portrayed this evening, but I wish for what they’ve got.” He looked at Callum and Ben. “To share my life with someone I can’t breathe without, someone who’s in my head every moment we’re not together, someone who lights the way.” It came crashing in on him how lonely he had been without Johnny. Johnny could have been the one but he wasn’t. Ollie had thought he was BUT HE WASN’T. He had been so wrong, had shown questionable judgement and he was devastated still. Alarmingly, he felt tears rising. Through the confusion of thoughts he felt a hand on his hand.

“Hey,” said Noah softly. “It’s a great wish. My wish too.”

“Ours too,” said Callum as Ben nodded. Ollie was soothed by their friendship and felt the tears subside.

“How about dancing?” suggested Ben, getting up.

“Great idea,” agreed Noah. Callum and Ollie looked at each other, a smile in their eyes as they knew Ben and Noah were about to show off.

It was exactly what they needed.

**MONDAY 11.1**

It was a very important day - the adoption certificate finally arrived.

The adoption court order had been granted before Christmas but Callum and Ben had wanted to wait until the certificate arrived to tell Lexi. They wanted to make an occasion of it but not knowing exactly when the certificate was going to arrive meant that the planning was last minute.

“Let me sort it out for you,” offered Noah. “I can make sure you have a special table, make whatever menu you want, organise a cake. It’s the least I can do after everything you’ve done for me.”

Callum and Ben gratefully accepted and called Kathy, Mike, Sharon, Stuart and Whitney to make sure they could come along. It was a family occasion.

The last minute party preparation coincided with Callum’s and Ben’s visit to Jackie but they decided they could still fit the visit into the school day and then go out when the children got home from school.

“I don’t think mum has an issue with me being gay,” said Callum as they were sitting on the train. “She has more of an issue with me not being hard enough.” He told Ben the story of Jackie’s reaction to Robbie which made them both laugh.

“Shall we go in ultra-camp and see how that goes down?” suggested Ben remembering how Callum had wanted to challenge Phil, albeit gently.

“She might believe it coming from you. You can tell her about your love of musicals and dancing. She’ll never believe it coming from me.”

“What’re ya sayin’ Callum? I’m just as handy as you are.” Ben was indignant.

“There is no-one I’d rather have in my corner in a fight than you,” asserted Callum, calming Ben’s ego. “Was that time with mum the last time we were in a fight?”

“Yeah, I think it was. We’ve done well keeping all that shit out of our lives.” They clasped hands and tapped their heads together side to side. It was a small intimate gesture but was caught by a woman sitting opposite them who smiled at their obvious rapport.

At the prison, Callum and Ben had to wait a while for Jackie to come in. When she arrived, throwing herself into her seat furiously, they were shocked to see her bruised face.

“Don’t look at me like that,” she snarled.

“You gonna tell us about it?” asked Callum.

“I am not.” Jackie fixed her eyes on Ben. “So you’re here this time. They’ll start talking about my cute son-in-law now as well as my handsome boys.”

“Do you know somethin’ Jackie?” said Ben, sitting forward and focusing his baby blues on her. “It really pisses me off to be the cute to Callum’s handsome. I know it’s fair … but it’s also not. Everywhere we go, people fall in love with him and I’m left with that question.” He paused, looking at her and Jackie raised her eyebrows. “What about me? When am I going to be the special one?” He sat back with a twinkle in his eye and a twitch at the corner of his mouth.

“You mean they don’t fall for that sexy swagger you’ve got goin’ on?”

“Actually they do. It IS my ace card,” smirked Ben, chewing his lip and flashing his eyes at her. “But they quickly realise I’m not nice and he is. They say everyone loves a bad boy but, sadly, it’s not true.”

“Ben Mitchell – bad boy? I don’t think so,” judged Jackie, sneering at him.

“Ben Mitchell-Highway. Got a bit of you in me now … when I’m lucky.” Jackie looked at him, momentarily surprised at the innuendo, then cracked up laughing.

“You are a saucy one. I’m glad my boy’s got someone to keep him … interested!” Ben shrugged complacently and she laughed hard again.

“I’m right here,” complained Callum, “when you two have finished your love in. Come on mum, what happened?” Jackie scowled at the table.

“Somebody stole one of my pictures. I had to sort ‘em. They put up a fight and they ripped my picture, so … it got out of hand.”

“How are they?” Callum asked, thinking it was quite possible that she had seriously hurt them … or worse.

“’Bout the same as me. If I’d properly hurt ‘em, I would’ve lost …” She stopped as she realised this was tantamount to a confession that she valued the visits. Callum let the almost-confession slide.

“What picture? D’ya want another one?” offered Ben. Jackie sighed inside. It seemed that Ben was going to be as bad as Callum for pushing her to do things, say things, she didn’t want to do or say. She did want another one and he was going to make her ask for it.

“Your wedding photo. ‘S up to you,” she said ungraciously. Callum and Ben could see clearly that she very much wanted a replacement. It was somewhat touching.

“Can we talk about Sam Turner?” asked Callum. Jackie inclined her head slightly to indicate consent. “We’ve heard kids bank accounts and we think it’s hundreds of them. What do you think? Likely?”

“Yes likely,” said Jackie, as always impressed that Callum and Ben were such successful investigators. “What I also think is that if you start disrupting the business, Sam will be the least of your worries. People she works for are fuckin’ lunatics. How’re ya plannin’ to protect yerselves?”

“We’re not taking it forward. The police are involved,” explained Callum.

“Why’re ya even ‘elpin’ ‘em then?” Jackie was keen that they were not picked up by the radar of the lunatics to whom she referred and she knew the police service was riddled with moles. Unknown to Callum and Ben, she had people on the outside watching out for her family, ready to step forward and fight for them if necessary.

“We have a client who wanted some specific information and there’s crossover with the police investigation.” Callum was bothered that Jackie was concerned for their safety. If she was worried, he believed they should be worried. Glancing at Ben, he could see the same thoughts crossing his mind.

“We’ll review our security,” promised Ben. “Nothing is more important than our family.” Changing the subject, he told Jackie about the finalisation of Lexi’s adoption. “So you’re a nan again,” he smiled. “What d’ya think about that?”

“I’ll never meet her though.” It was a surprising comment from Jackie who almost always acted liked she couldn’t care less. “Does she even know about me?”

“She does,” said Callum. The surprise on Jackie’s face was evident. “Roman and Tyler don’t yet but we want them to know and will find the right way to tell them.”

“You may never meet them,” said Ben, leaning forward and making sure he had her attention, “but we will bring pictures and stories and, through that, they will be part of your life. If they ever ask to visit you and we’re confident it’s not going to do them any harm, we’ll support them to come.”

“Whitney’s going to come with Stu next month,” said Callum. “She’s pregnant, so another grandchild. Mum, if you want this family that you are so lucky to have, we’re here.”

Jackie definitely did want the visits, the stories and the pictures. She was well aware that Callum and Ben knew this, so the pretence at indifference wasn’t worth sustaining. Giving a slight nod, she stood up ready to leave, and Ben jumped up to give her a quick hug, smirking at Callum. Callum laughed out loud at Jackie’s shock.

“He’s a fuckin’ pest, isn’t he?” he complained fondly, then stepped forward. Jackie looked absolutely terrified at the thought of a hug from her son. He wrapped his arms around her, gave her a quick squeeze and let go. She turned and left without saying goodbye. The truth was that she was didn’t want them to see her emotions - bloody Callum and now bloody Ben as well pushing her boundaries.

+++

Noah had pulled out all the stops at his restaurant for Lexi’s celebration. There were balloons, wide, shiny ribbons wrapped around the chair backs and a beautiful cake in turquoise, blue and silver.

“This is amazing, Noah. Thank you!” gushed Callum as he looked proudly at his family all dressed up, partly because Noah’s restaurant was quite smart but mainly because it was a special occasion. Before they cut the cake, Lexi tapped her glass with her spoon to get everybody’s attention.

“Where’d she learn to do that?” Ben whispered to Kathy.

“She asked me,” answered Kathy. “We even practised.”

“So,” started Lexi, nerves creeping in now that she was going to make her speech, “I want to tell you a bit about my dad and me. It’s sometimes a bit confusing saying dad when you’ve got two dads, but my dads are really different so I know you’ll know which one I’m talking about.” She looked down and checked her notes. “My dad never shouts – so that rules out one of them …” - everybody laughed at the teasing and at Ben’s mock outrage - “… but he does get cross and disappointed because he wants me to be the best person I can be, so when I’m being a brat, he’s not going to let it go. He’s so good for me. He wants me to be happy so much and he will do anything for me. He’s great at advice and helping me think about things. He doesn’t keep all the bad things away from me but makes sure that I am strong so that I can deal with the bad things, but I think he probably keeps the really bad things away so that I’m safe. All I need to do to feel safe and to feel special is to stand next to him and to hold his hand and to look up at him and see him smile at me. I love you Daddy … for all time.”

It had been a nerve-wracking experience and she was feeling a bit wobbly, so Callum’s hug was very welcome.

“That was very special, darling,” he whispered into her ear. “Thank you.”

As he stood up, he held her hand, smiled down at her and started to speak.

“Well, I didn’t know we were doing speeches, so this is straight from the heart.” He looked at Ben and wished he had his word power. Ben smiled proudly, fully confident that Callum would nail this. Callum took a breath and started to talk. “I always wanted to be a dad and I imagined I would do it the usual way of having a baby and so on. Never did I imagine that a force of nature, a beautiful whirlwind of blue eyes, blonde curls and a massive, feisty, determined personality, would sweep me away the way Lexi has. The love I feel for her has no limit. I would do anything for her, to make her happy, to keep her safe, to help her grow into the person she chooses to be. It’s a privilege and a joy to be her dad. I love you Lexi … for all time.” He looked down at her and she jumped up on her chair so that she could wrap her arms round his neck. He drew her in and held her tight.

Everybody clapped and smiled as Callum and Lexi held onto each other. Ben was beaming happily, Roman and Tyler either side of him, arms wrapped around his middle. Kathy’s heart was bursting with pride for this family and her husband Mike was delighted for her. For years, she had looked after Ben and Lexi and she wouldn’t have been happy with anybody less than Callum to take on that mantle. Her son and her granddaughter were immeasurably precious to her and now her son-in-law and grandsons were equally so. Sharon was in bits, trying desperately to hold herself together to take the photos for Phil’s album. Stuart and Whitney watched on hoping they would be wonderful parents as well. It was a beautiful scene.

Noah watched from a distance knowing now exactly how he could ruin Callum. He was a little worried they were going to find the actors he’d hired to play his parents; it was a shock when he’d seen that Callum had taken photos of them. MHI seemed very good at the investigating and had people like the mysterious Charlie he had seen that day on the tablet to help. He was sure he had underestimated them which was a big mistake. But he knew that he had successfully wormed his way into Callum’s life . Callum’s and Ben’s love for each other had been a bit of a surprise; it made everybody else’s seem inadequate. They had their amazing love, their beautiful home, their adoring family and whatever hardships had gone before, and he had picked up that there had been some, they had worked their way forward. It was real and beautiful and the best part of Noah had a well-suppressed understanding that Callum and Ben deserved to be together and Simon was just an ex. But Callum had broken Simon, had stopped Simon from loving Noah and, finally and unexpectedly for Noah, had been the reason Simon left. There were to be consequences for that.


	7. Discoveries

**TUESDAY 12.1**

A tetchy morning of tired, frayed tempers followed the celebration, specifically Ben’s and Lexi’s. Noah picked up on the mood and made himself scarce; he wanted to get down to the fish market early anyway. Callum was beginning to see that he, Roman and Tyler, firstly, found mornings generally easier than Ben and Lexi did, and, secondly, thought twice before shouting. Callum had never seen either boy lose their temper and he wondered if they had long fuses like him. If they were, when they did eventually blow, it would be of volcanic proportions.

Lexi was meeting friends to walk to school so left early, thankfully as far as everybody else was concerned.

“We can walk by ourselves,” offered Tyler, glancing at Roman for agreement. “We’re nine soon.”

“We’ve had this conversation,” said Callum, kissing each boy’s thick tufts of hair, “and we said you can walk yourself when you’re in year six.” He looked at them thoughtfully. “We know you are always good as gold and you would be very sensible walking to school, but dad and me like it and want to do it for a bit longer before you get too big and it’s over for us.”

“It’s the rest of this year and another year until we’re in year six,” calculated Tyler, a hint of complaint in his voice.

“Yes it is,” affirmed Ben, “and Dad and me are going to savour every day.” Callum nodded his agreement.

“What’s savour?” asked Tyler, complaint already forgotten.

“Enjoy, make the most of,” answered Ben. “So you two ready to roll? Got everything you need? Always worth a check.” And he pushed them out of the room to go and check their bags.

“I sometimes worry that they’re too good, do you?” Ben’s slight frown alerted Callum that this was not a rhetorical question.

“I haven’t worried about that, no. I was a really good kid. Aren’t some kids good?” he answered. In truth, he had always been proud that the boys were so well-behaved.

“Well, that could prove my point,” reasoned Ben. “You were careful ‘cause your life was chaotic and you didn’t want to make it any worse. What if Ro and Ty are being careful? What if they’re anxious that they’ll be taken away if they’re not good?” Callum had not considered this but it sounded possible.

“Hmm,” he mused, “yeah, maybe. It’s not a bad thing that they’re good though, just a bad thing if they’re anxious, yeah?” Ben nodded, albeit uncertainly. “Let’s sneak it into a conversation sometime,” suggested Callum. “See what they say.”

“Good idea,” agreed Ben, standing up and stretching, giving Callum a small flutter inside. “Right, I’m gonna take them to school. Do you wanna come? Amanda is not here until ten.”

“Okay,” smiled Callum, quickly tidying away the breakfast things.

+++

A surge of contentment coursed through Callum as he walked along the street away from the school, hand in hand with Ben. Briefly peeking at his husband’s profile, hair fluffed at the front to disguise a receding hairline, collar turned up on his garish checked coat, he smiled to himself. God, he loved Ben.

“What are you looking at?” demanded Ben, sensing the glance and turning to look at Callum directly, noticing his thick hair had grown long and there was more than the usual carefully trimmed stubble around his jaw, his new hirsute appearance suiting the thick, grey woollen coat he was wearing.

“You,” smiled Callum, his beautiful sunbeam making an appearance, “of course.” He squeezed Ben’s hand and widened his smile. “I love you is all.”

“Aw, soppy git,” teased Ben, cheering inside at having the love of his wonderful husband. He looked up at him adoringly and stopped him, holding onto the front of his coat and reaching up for a kiss.

“Oh for fuck’s sake you two, do you ever turn it off?” The grumpy voice came from a nearby bench on which sat what looked like a down and out but was actually Johnny Carter.

“Johnny!” exclaimed Callum, quickly sitting down next to him. Johnny flinched and pulled his dirty coat tighter around him as Ben looked at him and wondered what on earth he had been doing. His clothes were dirty, his hair was greasy and there was a putrid whiff about him. Down by his feet was a bag and Ben grabbed it, getting there a split second before Johnny as he lunged to retrieve it. Ben looked inside. Empty tins of beer, an empty half litre bottle of vodka and drugs detritus. At least Johnny wasn’t a litterbug.

“You taken everything?” quizzed Ben, waving the bag in Johnny’s face. Johnny dropped his head forward and caught it with his hands by his knees.

“I can’t go home,” he snivelled, ignoring Ben’s question and ashamed that, yet again, he was a wreck. “Can I crash at yours?”

“Well yes, good plan, you can crash at ours … what about our kids, Johnny? Of course, you can’t fuckin’ stay at ours!” Ben’s voice was harsh. He still hadn’t forgiven Johnny for New Year’s Eve and hell would freeze over before he exposed their children to this. Callum’s look to Ben implored him to soften.

“The children are at school so come back to ours now,” Callum offered. “Get a shower, have a coffee. We’ll put your stuff through the washing machine. We’ve got a meeting in forty-five minutes but afterwards we’ll have some lunch. Talk. We’ll take you home and help you talk to Mick and Linda if you want.” Johnny threw his head back and heaved a frustrated sigh but he stood up, snatched his bag from Ben and started walking towards Callum’s and Ben’s house.

Following him, Ben and Callum had a frantic, whispered conversation.

“Why is it on us to help him?”

“He’s our friend. He’s in trouble.”

“He tried to get off with me … remember?”

“He’s in a mess. Was then. Is now.”

“It wasn’t your todger he pulled …”

“Oh, you remember it all now, do you?”

“No … just guessing … it would’ve been tempting …” Callum shot him a disbelieving look, caught Ben’s saucy face and couldn’t stop himself from laughing.

“Ben, come on, we’ve got to help him.”

By the time they reached the house, Ben had begrudgingly accepted that they were going to support their errant friend. He pushed Johnny up the stairs and into the bathroom.

“Give me your clothes,” he called from outside the door.

“For fuck’s sake Ben, why are you out there? You’ve seen it all before,” groused Johnny, struggling to get his clothes off and not understanding why he was finding it so difficult. His fingers had a mind of their own and weren’t hitting the buttons he was targeting. “I need some help.”

“Undress your fuckin’ self,” snapped Ben. “I ain’t helping ya.” Callum, listening downstairs, ran up the stairs and stomped into the bathroom, emerging seconds later with a bundle of foul-smelling washing.

“Really? This is your version of being helpful?” he scowled at Ben, heading into the laundry next door. Ben sighed dramatically and went to get some clothes for Johnny to wear which he delivered to the bathroom. There he discovered Johnny curled up on the floor weeping. Ben dragged him into the shower and pressed the button to start it. He placed shower gel in the tray where Johnny lay, then, in a moment of kindness, squirted some into his hand and rubbed it into Johnny’s hair. Johnny sat up, hugging his knees to his chest, crying steadily, and Ben continued washing. Callum came in and sat on the edge of the bath, watching them. He got up to unclip the shower head, handing it to Ben so that he could rinse away the soap.

“Jesus, I’m such a prick,” wept Johnny.

“Yes you are,” agreed Ben, earning a soft kick from Callum.

“We’ve all made mistakes,” soothed Callum, getting an eye-roll from Ben. “Johnny, we’ve got a meeting in the office any minute now. It’ll last a while so get washed, get dressed, make yourself a coffee in the kitchen or have a sleep. We’ve got a friend staying in the spare room so use our bed. I’ve put a new toothbrush on the sink. Please … please don’t leave.”

Heading downstairs, they were just in time as the doorbell to the office sounded. Amanda had brought her DS with her, a young man called Adam Akhtar.

“DI Peacock, DS Akhtar, thank you for coming,” Ben welcomed, saying their names with a flourish and receiving a slight shake of the head and an exasperated smile from Amanda. She insisted on Amanda only being used when it definitely wasn’t police business, but Ben always announced her police title so theatrically it was ridiculous.

“What are you up to?” DS Akhtar went straight to the evidence boards rather than taking the seat indicated by Callum. On this occasion, Callum and Ben didn’t mind sharing. On the whole, they were trying to keep clear of clients on the wrong side of the law which meant the police could see anything they had. Now and then, Ollie, in his role as a criminal defence lawyer, would ask them to look into something shady, which they were happy to do and were also happy to keep the evidence away from the prying eyes of the police. They didn’t have any work of that kind on at the moment so DS Akhtar was welcome to intrude as much as he liked.

“Missing child. Tilly Driver. Do you remember her case?” Callum cast a quick glance over the board making sure there was nothing he didn’t want the police to see.

“Vaguely,” replied DS Akhtar. “I think they fancied the dad at first but he was clean.”

“Not what we’re finding,” said Ben. “Obviously he has stopped hiding his shit. Thinks enough time has gone by maybe.”

“We are in touch with the police team investigating Tilly,” clarified Callum, moving DS Akhtar along. “This board has the evidence for your case.” He indicated the big double board.

“So what made you look at kids?” asked Amanda, getting straight to the heart of it. “Why didn’t WE get to kids?” She glared pointedly at her DS who looked disconsolately at Callum and Ben for assistance.

“To be fair,” said Callum, always helpful, “as you can see, we don’t have any hard evidence it’s to do with kids. We just think that’s the way it’s pointing.”

“Kids are absolute experts at hiding things from their parents. It is especially true for this because it’s online and they are so much better at that than their parents,” commented Amanda. “We could do with a real example, an actual bank account, and that is going to be tricky to get.” She gazed thoughtfully at Callum and Ben knowing full well they would engage in a bit of illegal hacking that they thought she didn’t know about

“We just weren’t sure about surveilling kids …” said Callum, squirming slightly under Amanda’s appraising look, suspecting that she knew more about what they did than she let on. Well, she’s never told us to stop, he thought.

“Here’s what I think we should do,” she began, “we’ll take your information and my team will see where we can get to with the next layer of the network. We can certainly add names to faces by asking schools. They’re more likely to tell us than you. Then we can interview the children in this layer here. You carry on with … your networks … and see if you can get to the next layer your way. Be careful about interviewing kids. It could get you into hot water. With that case as well,” she advised, pointing to the Tilly Driver board. It hadn’t escaped her notice that they had three fifteen year old witnesses on that board.

As Ben and Callum had some questions about money laundering, they spent some time discussing the technical aspects, how social media was used and how effective the banks were at recognising suspicious activity. As she explained, Amanda realised she needed to learn more about how children’s bank accounts were controlled. It seemed to her that the risk of parents discovering and reporting the activity was quite big so how did the money launderers find children where this risk was minimised? They finished up by going through everything they knew jointly, picking it apart to raise further questions. Amanda was once again conscious that Callum and Ben were stronger thinkers and investigators than any of her team and, especially with the extra resources they had by virtue of not being police, they were an exceptionally useful resource for her. But she was no fool and she knew she had to keep one step ahead of them.

“Quick question,” she said as she and her DS were ready to leave, intentionally catching Callum and Ben on the back foot. “Why are you calling her Sam Turner? You always called her Julie Golding. Why swap back?”

“It was confusing,” lied Callum glibly. “We found bits about her in both names so we decided to stick to Sam.” Well that was smooth, thought Amanda, knowing there was more to the story.

After they had gone, Callum and Ben went to organise coffee, finding Johnny in the room off the kitchen. He looked and smelled a whole lot better.

“You’ve got a picture of me … and Ollie,” he remarked pointing at the photo tiles. “Needs updating.”

“We update this wall by adding to it,” explained Callum, sitting down in an armchair alongside his friend while Ben headed back into the kitchen to make coffee. “We accept the past; we don’t change it. You get why, yeah?” Johnny nodded, understanding the wisdom. They sat quietly for a few moments, surveying the happy photos. Johnny remembered when he first met Callum and how they had hit it off, not sexually or romantically, just as people. Callum was a ray of sunshine, always optimistic that, however awful things seemed, they could improve. He was a lot of fun, able to giggle about silliness and be playful in his turn. And he was a good person. There was no way in eternity that Callum would try to seduce a close friend’s husband. Ben was different, nowhere near as pure, and very dangerous for Johnny. Ben was complex, layered, seductive, and inclined to break the rules. Johnny felt horribly guilty as he acknowledged that he was turned on by Ben’s sexiness; it was so wrong.

“Thanks for texting,” he said to Callum. “I haven’t heard anything from anybody. Just you. And you’ve got more reason to be angry with me than most.”

“Are you happy with your choices?” asked Callum. “’Cause, me and Ben, we’re not gonna judge. As long as you’re happy.” Johnny started crying again.

“Of course I’m not fuckin’ happy. I spend at least four hours a day crying. I spew my guts up every day ‘cause I can’t keep away from the booze and drugs. I have no friends and I’ve lost my job.” Ben walked in with a tray of coffees in time to hear this. He placed the tray down and sat on the arm of Johnny’s chair, placed his arm around him and squeezed.

“Arsehole,” he said. Johnny spluttered through his tears.

“That’s not helpful and don’t give me any of that harsh but fair shit,” he protested. Ben moved to sit on the footstool in front of Callum’s chair, wrapping an arm around Callum’s knees. “I’m sorry to both of you about New Year’s Eve,” Johnny continued, “but I’m especially sorry to you, Ben. Really, truly sorry.” He didn’t even dare to look hopefully at his friend.

“It was a dick move,” said Ben, feeling Callum’s fingers in his hair and knowing that they were there to urge him to be forgiving. “But, yeah, okay, apology accepted.”

“We’re your closest friends, Johnny, so talk to us. What’s this all about?”

At Callum’s words, Johnny closed his eyes and felt the comforting, supportive atmosphere of this house. He could almost feel it speaking to him, urging him to be honest.

“Do you ever feel like this house is talking to you?” he asked, opening his eyes and surprising Callum and Ben with the odd question.

“Yeah,” they replied simultaneously, looking at each other, soft smiles at their synchronicity.

“It’s a safe place,” explained Callum, “like it can protect you.” They waited patiently, watching Johnny close his eyes, clearly concentrating and thinking.

“I love Ollie. I really do. I’m the best version of me when I’m with him and he is amazing.” He took a deep breath. “But I started to feel like I’d missed out on something. He was the only man I’d ever been with. I started to feel attracted to other men, fantasising about being with them. Then I slept with George. We took a lot of drugs that night, and he pretended he was you, Ben, and I pretended I was you, Callum. Like role play. It was fucking amazing. The best sex I had ever had. God, it was mindblowing.”

“It was fucked up,” asserted Ben, not fully able to make sense of what he was hearing.

“Yes, it was totally fucked up,” agreed Johnny. “I became obsessed with what it might be like to actually sleep with you, which is wrong on every level, so I had to leave. It was when I went to Thailand.”

“You’re attracted to Ben?” Callum sounded like he was having as big a problem as Ben with understanding what Johnny was saying.

“I don’t know about that. He can be an annoying shit,” muttered Johnny. “I … he’s sexy as fuck … sorry, Ben, I know you’re right here … I wanted to have sex with him. No, I didn’t want that ‘cause I didn’t want to want that, but it was in my head … I couldn’t shift it … shit, I’m sorry Ben … oh god! I’m a mess, a very sorry mess.”

“Okay,” said Callum slowly, at a loss for ideas about how this might be resolved. “So the drink and the drugs are about recreating the amazing time you had with George?”

“You can tell you don’t get high,” snarked Johnny, disgusted with himself but also angry that he was having to feel this way. “It’s about NOT being yourself. Not being the pathetic cretin that you are. Not thinking the disgusting, traitorous thoughts you have normally. It’s about escaping.”

“You need some help, Johnny,” said Ben, recognising Johnny’s self-loathing for what it was. “You’ve created this unreality in your head and you need some help. I’m gonna give you a number for a really great psychotherapist. It might be a bit weird for him ‘cause he knows my deepest, darkest thoughts but if he doesn’t want to do it, I reckon he can suggest somebody else who’s good.” He got his phone and forwarded the contact.

“I’m sorry, Callum,” whispered Johnny, conscious that Callum looked dazed and unhappy. “It’s outrageous, unforgiveable.” Callum huffed a short laugh although there was nothing he was finding funny.

“That’s not it. I get why you would see Ben as sexy. He is … like … well, yeah …” He shot an apologetic glance at Ben then leaned forward to get Johnny’s attention. “I know you know he’s not going to get with anybody except me and, apart from New Year’s Eve, you have respected that but … Johnny … you are ruining your life with your guilt over it. It’s a sack of shit but, please, it isn’t worth throwing your life away over it.”

“I’ve betrayed Ollie. I couldn’t tell him. Such a massive betrayal.” Johnny collapsed into a fresh set of tears, his body heaving and shaking with the unbearable distress. “And I’ve lost my job. I don’t know how to tell mum and dad. I don’t know what to do.”

“Ring Darren now,” instructed Ben. “He has emergency appointments and might even be able to see you today. We’ll have some lunch, get your clothes dry. Then we’re going round to see your mum and dad.”

+++

As soon as he saw Callum, Ben and Johnny walk into the bar, Mick knew there was something wrong. He was conscious that Johnny had been struggling for months but there had been a development today, he could see that. The fact that Johnny was with Ben and Callum gave him hope that it was positive, though.

“Upstairs, boys?” he asked, swiftly directing his bar staff to hold the fort as he followed the forlorn party up the stairs.

When they were all seated in the living room, Callum told the story, skipping the encounter with George. No parent needs details like that, he thought. Mick looked from Johnny to Ben, unable to grasp that the man his son had mistreated was sitting there holding his hand for support. But maybe there was some sense in it. Mick had known Ben since he was at school and he knew that Ben understood about messing up. Typical Ben, he thought, acted like he didn’t care at the same time as slinging out his safety net to catch the fallen.

“He’s got an appointment with a talking therapist in two hours. He needs the help, Mick,” said Ben firmly. “Then, when he’s better, he can get another job, tell them he needed time off for his health. He can get his life back on track if he has support. Me and Callum are here for that. I know you and Linda are as well.”

It was a plan.

**WEDNESDAY 13.1**

“Are you goin’ shopping today? Where are you goin’? Westfield?” As a lover of shopping, Ben would definitely have offered to go with Noah if he didn’t have such a busy day ahead of him.

“I’m going to have to see how it goes,” replied Noah. “I’ve got the letting agent coming round with a builder. There might be asbestos in the ceiling.”

“No!” exclaimed Ben. “What a fucker!”

Callum had taken the boys to school and Ben was running late, still in his pyjamas, chatting and eating toast with Noah.

“Yeah … if it’s true. I hope not.” Noah already knew it wasn’t true but he was going to tell Ben and Callum that it was. To carry out his plan, it would be easier if he was still living in their house so he needed to invent a reason to stay. “So what are you up to today?”

“Catch up with Charlie first thing. You know those brilliant new bugs I showed you, he’s going to talk us through how they work. He’s also been working on our missing girl’s phone. He might have some answers on your parents as well if you want to hang around.”

“No. Thanks but I’ve got to go. I’ll be back at lunchtime – tell me then.” Noah shoved the last bit of toast in his mouth, shrugged on his coat and was gone.

Ben just about managed to get through the shower before Callum returned.

“Hmm just what I like,” hummed Callum, “freshly washed, sexy AS FUCK, Ben Mitchell-Highway.” He pushed Ben back onto the bed, opening his bath robe before laying on top of him.

“You know that’s not funny, don’t ya?” grumbled Ben. “I feel very uncomfortable knowing that he fantasises about me.”

“Fantasised,” corrected Callum. “I think yesterday’s confession may have poured some cold water on that.”

“Not on you though, eh, babe?” grinned Ben, feeling Callum stiffen.

“Nope,” confirmed Callum, kissing Ben’s neck and collarbone, holding his hips with his thumbs tracing small circles, and smiling as Ben gasped with pleasure. “How long have we got?”

“Don’t even think about stopping,” moaned Ben, swiftly undoing Callum’s belt and buttons. “Twenty minutes?”

+++

Charlie could see something was different about Ben and Callum. They were both a little flushed, hair not quite perfect and were a little more tactile with each other (if that was even possible). Had they just been … his stomach felt queasy at the thought and he pushed it firmly away.

“Hey Charlie,” greeted Callum cheerily. “How are things?”

Charlie was uncomfortable now so he got straight down to business. Callum and Ben noticed that there were no pleasantries but Charlie was often minimal in his interactions so they didn’t worry about it too much.

“First, Noah Belasis,” said Charlie. “The couple you met, supposedly his parents, are actors. Do you want me to dig deeper or do you want contact details so that you can talk to them?” Digging deeper was often illegal so they only used those methods when they had exhausted all others.

“Contact details, please,” instructed Callum. His phone pinged three seconds later. “Who do you think hired them?”

“Someone who wanted to find Noah for some unknown reason and knew he would be tempted at the prospect of reuniting with his parents,” reasoned Ben.

“Or someone who knew he would want to reunite with his parents but wanted us and Noah to meet for some unknown reason,” suggested Callum. “Can’t think who though.”

“Or Noah himself so that he could meet you for some unknown reason,” said Charlie. Callum and Ben stared at him, surprised at the suggestion.

“I don’t think that’s it,” objected Ben. Charlie didn’t react.

“Next, Tilly Driver’s phone,” he said. “Mainly pictures of her naked and sexts between her and Curtis. Some other photos of houses, some countryside scenes. I’ve made a file and put it in TilDri. Her bank account is on the phone. Or a bank account. She might have more than one of course. I would have to dig deeper to look at it. Do you want me to do that?”

“Can you get in and out without being seen? If so, yes please,” said Ben peering at Charlie and thinking that he was being odd. Charlie inclined his head. “What’s up Charlie?” Ben asked. “You’re not your usual charming self. Is everything okay?”

“Yes,” said Charlie shortly, moving straight onto the next thing. “Now the bugs.” He spent half an hour explaining about the bugs and the monitoring app, setting little tests for Callum and Ben until he was confident that they understood at which point he broke off abruptly.

“I’ll call you in one hour about the bank account,” he said and rang off.

“Well that was odd,” said Ben, puzzled by Charlie’s manner. Callum frowned and nodded his agreement.

“An hour gives us some time to catch up on some admin. It’s time limited so it’s not too much,” he said, catching Ben’s mutinous look. “Come on Ben, it needs doing.” Ben huffed and puffed and reluctantly pulled up the invoices.

+++

An hour later to the minute (probably to the second knowing Charlie, thought Ben), Charlie rang back. Callum and Ben looked at him anxiously. Was he okay?

“Hello Ben, hello Callum,” he said, wanting to start again and be more like himself. He had been worrying for the past hour that he had given away his discomfort.

“Thank god you’re here Charlie,” said Ben. “Callum’s been having me do the invoicing for the last hour.” He pulled a sad face to demonstrate his feelings making Charlie smile. Callum grinned.

“We got loads done. It was really useful. So what have you got for us, Charlie?” Charlie breathed out slowly, his worries about not being able to get back to normal allayed.

“This bank account is used for normal purchases, clothes, toiletries, make-up, apps, travel, that sort of thing. Money also comes in and goes out, transfers to and from other bank accounts, not huge amounts but maybe a lot for a fifteen year old, usually under a hundred pounds, all different amounts. Over the course of each month, she was up. The amount varied but her current balance is six hundred and three pounds. I made a sheet for you. It’s in the TilDri folder.”

“When did the activity stop?” asked Ben.

“It hasn’t. The last transfer out was two days ago.” Charlie waited for Callum and Ben to respond.

“What do you think it’s all about, Charlie?” asked Callum.

“Money laundering. There is no other explanation.” Charlie’s polarised view of the world was often plain wrong but on this occasion, Callum thought he might be right.

“Thank you. That’s great work today,” said Callum, smiling broadly.

“Bye Charlie,” called Ben as Charlie rang off with a smile. “Well, that was better,” commented Ben. He swung his chair around to face Callum. “I think we might have looked obviously post-sex earlier, we did arrive in a bit of a rush, and it made him feel uncomfortable.”

“Oh,” grimaced Callum. “Hmm, not very boss-like.”

“No,” agreed Ben. They stared at each other. It was all very well having a great love and an insatiable physical desire but they had colleagues, friends and family who did not need or want to spectate. They both felt embarrassed and recognised that they had to be more considerate. They rested their foreheads together in silent understanding.

“Did you know,” said Ben, changing the subject, “there might be asbestos in Noah’s flat? He’s gone to meet the agent and a builder to check it. He’s back for lunch so we’ll find out then.”

“I guess he’ll be staying here a bit longer if it is,” surmised Callum as they went through to the kitchen to prepare lunch. Noah arrived about twenty minutes later with his news.

“It IS asbestos, so the agent is going to get in a licensed contractor to remove it. I don’t know yet how long that will take,” he explained.

“Are you happy to stay here? We know the kids are noisy in the morning but you are very welcome to stay,” offered Callum.

“Are you sure? Thank you,” said Noah, happy that everything was going according to plan. “I got really lucky meeting you two. Si did some good.”

“What? Being obsessed with Callum and leaving you?” laughed Ben. “That’s a very generous way to see it!” Noah’s revenge was almost entirely centred on Callum but when Ben was dismissive about Simon like this, he thought he might have to do something to teach Ben a lesson as well. He smiled weakly not wanting to give himself away.

**FRIDAY 15.1**

Team meetings at MHI were generally on a Monday morning and a Friday afternoon. They were a seven day a week operation although, in reality, Callum and Ben worked about four days a week, Frankie and Marcus about two as they also owned and ran the local Arts Centre, Meg was working three days and Charlie dropped in and out every day totalling around three days.

The coming weekend was to be a rare weekend off for everybody as they had all worked every day of the past week.

“Okay,” said Callum. “Let’s make a start. Sam Turner.” He looked at Charlie.

“I have found out that Sam has given military titles to the layers in her organisation. It’s not dissimilar to mafia hierarchy so she might have got the idea from that but her dad was in the army so that also might explain it. She liaises with her three generals who each deal with a small team of colonels who have a team of captains. The captains are school children, one in each school and they run the cadets, between thirty and forty in each school.”

“Wait,” said Ben, trying and failing to do the maths, “twenty-eight schools, thirty to forty kids involved in each school, that’s …” He scrunched up his face with the effort of the mental arithmetic.

“Between eight hundred and forty and one thousand one hundred and twenty accounts,” answered Meg.

“So, probably around a thousand accounts,” said Callum. “That’s … something.”

“It’s not all she does,” Charlie continued. “She uses social media apps to pull in more accounts, promising easy money. She has another thousand or so accounts that way, accounts closing and opening constantly. The banks seem to be quite good at spotting this kind of activity and suspending accounts. I did some digging and those account holders, they’re known as money mules, often don’t get paid. Once they have handed over their card details, it’s game over for them.”

“Shit!” Ben was horrified at the scale of it all. “Have we any evidence we can give to Amanda?”

Charlie shook his head. They would have to find a legal way to gather the evidence but at least they now knew what they were looking for.

“We have got Tilly’s account,” said Callum.

“Right,” said Frankie despondently. “That’s going to go down well. We found the phone and didn’t hand it in immediately even though a fifteen year old girl’s life is at risk.”

“I’ll get it to the team working Tilly’s case today,” said Ben. “They’re gonna be pissed off with us but we have to hand it in. I’ll be ambiguous about when we got it and we’ll have to hope that, when they interview her, Ellie doesn’t get specific about dates. Hopefully, they’ll join the dots but let’s not leave that to chance. We can hint to Amanda, tell her that we think Tilly might have been a money mule and tell her we’ve handed the phone in.”

“Yes, let’s do that,” agreed Callum. “Tell us about Jack Driver, Ben, and then you can get down to the police station.”

“I’m gonna start wearin’ a paper bag on my head,” started Ben cryptically. “Turns out he swings both ways and was quite interested in gettin’ jiggy with me.” Frankie and Meg glanced at each other - that had been nowhere to be seen on Jack’s socials. “There was me, puttin’ on my best straight boy act as well.”

“Did you get anything useful from him?” Callum was beginning to think he wasn’t so cool about Ben’s flirting. Ben heard the snappy tone and reined in his story-telling.

“He steals from his employers. He has no clue about what his dad does. He has almost forgotten he has a little sister. Very wrapped up in himself. Thick as pig.” Ben stood up and gave Callum a kiss on the forehead, murmuring a sorry in his ear. “Right off to talk to the pigs,” he quipped, laughing at everybody’s shocked faces and waving goodbye.

“Who’s next? Hope Driver? Did anybody talk to her?” Callum moved on.

“Yeah, me and Frankie,” replied Meg. “She was worried about Tilly before she disappeared. Curtis had shared some of the intimate photos and Tilly had been devastated. Hadn’t reported him, though, and didn’t want Hope to report him.”

“Hang on,” said Marcus, feeling increasingly depressed about teenage life with everything he was hearing. “What about when Tilly went missing?”

“She told her mum and dad,” explained Meg, “who told her it was probably nothing to do with Tilly’s disappearance and Tilly wouldn’t want it out there so to keep quiet.”

“What? You ARE joking?”

“You are kidding me!”

Callum and Marcus were incredulous. Frankie and Meg shook their heads.

“Wait,” said Charlie suddenly, his attention clearly on his own computer as he searched for something. He looked up, flushed with excitement. “I think Tilly knew about Paul Driver. There’re some texts.” He displayed them on the screen for them all to see.

_I know your a driver_

_stop looking for t_

“We have his number so I knew these were for her dad. She never used capital letters so I assumed she meant his surname. They didn’t make any sense so I had it on my list of things to come back to.”

“Next week, Ben and me are having a meeting with Karen and Paul. So we’ll get some answers,” said Callum. “One thing I am curious about is how Paul managed to have a pretend job and the investigating team not find out.”

“I can answer that,” said Charlie. “Paul Driver’s employers have created a fake job cover for him, fake payslips, fake premises, everything. It’s very good. I would have overlooked it if I hadn’t known he was doing something else.”

“Karen goes to work now and then but only ever for a day,” explained Frankie. “Then she goes to the doctor to be signed off.”

“It might not be fake illness,” said Meg. “She is in a proper mess.”

“Okay, next is … Curtis. Frankie and Meg, that was you as well, wasn’t it?” Callum turned to the two women.

“Yes.” Frankie pulled her face. “What a sleazeball.”

“He tried to hit on me and treated Frankie like she was diseased. Ignorant prick.” Meg’s face matched Frankie’s. “He was completely unrepentant about distributing the photos. Everyday practice. Those were his actual words. We reminded him that it was illegal and he laughed at us. He said Tilly, Ellie, Page and Nyoka were hot which was the only reason he was interested in Tilly. He thought he might “get to give them all a go” but Tilly wouldn’t let her friends “join in” – his words again – so he was about to “bin her off”. We asked him what he thought had happened to Tilly. He actually shrugged and said it was nothing to do with him. God he was awful.”

“Was it a sexual relationship?” asked Marcus.

“Yes,” answered Frankie. “He was very keen to share details with Meg.” Both women looked appalled and disgusted. Meg carried on.

“We also asked him if he’d had girlfriends since Tilly. He puffed up and said “what do you think?” but he wouldn’t give us any names. He was flirting and laughing the whole time but told us nothing.”

“We think he’s hiding something though,” said Frankie. “We both felt it.”

“Okay,” concluded Callum, “let’s see what the Drivers have to say on Monday. Charlie dig into Curtis, please. Frankie and Meg, on Monday you can update the evidence wall. We’ve got a number of butters you can pick up as well. We’ll go through those on Monday morning. Okay, lastly, Noah. His supposed parents are actors and are currently working in Newcastle. They were hired over the phone and all they could say was that it was a man with a northern accent, young in their opinion. Paid by cash sent to their address. So we’re at a dead end. Noah is happy to leave it there. I asked him if he would like us to track down his real parents. He said he’d think about it.” He looked around his team. “You all up for some cake? I made it.”

**SATURDAY 16.1**

January as a month has little to recommend it. The weather is cold, damp and gloomy, nature is fed up and can’t be bothered to offer any signs of hope and there are no holidays, no festivals, no fun. This was the gist of a conversation between Callum and Ben and their friends from the school gates and they had all decided to spend this Saturday at Callum’s and Ben’s house, it being the biggest, and have a day of games.

Lexi was a little stressed about Lily coming which was unlike her.

“She’s going to think it’s naff,” she told Callum. He was surprised at her worrying about this. She usually expected people to take her as they found her and didn’t worry if she wasn’t to their liking.

“What do you think? Do you think it’s naff?”

“Maybe a bit but it’ll be fun as well. But Lily …” she shrugged. She could imagine Lily turning her nose up at playing board games and spending the whole day with the same nose in her phone. “She’ll just be on her phone all the time.”

“So? Let her,” advised Callum.

Callum loved it when the house was full of people. He had been baking all week and had tubs full of cheese twirls, cookies, brownies and flapjacks ready and had spent the morning cooking pigs in blankets, vegetable rolls and a huge pan of chilli con carne. All he would have to do later was the rice. There were crisps ready to be put out with a selection of homemade dips, crudité, and trays of skewers of chopped fruit.

“Honestly Callum, you should have been a caterer.” Ben eyes were bigger than his belly as he surveyed the feast, stealthily sneaking a pig-in-blanket.

“You know it’s what I did in the army, right? Mass catering.” Callum loved feeding people - the more, the merrier. “And don’t think I didn’t see that.”

The feast grew as every family arrived bringing enough to feed all fifteen of them. Eddie and Danielle were the last to arrive and they burst out laughing when they added their offerings to the pile.

“Are we here for the week?” Danielle laughed.

Relentless rain pounded the windows and dusky darkness pervaded the day but there was no gloominess in the house. Emma and Simon taught them all a chase the ace card game called spoons which was a take on musical chairs with one less spoon on the table than people, and a mad grab for spoons when anybody had all pairs and was safe from the ace. It made everybody extremely competitive and, at one point, Marek launched himself across the table to seize the last spoon and ended up sliding into Emma’s lap on the other side, giggling hysterically as everybody laughed at him. After all of the hilarity, the board games were used for calming down.

As Lexi had expected, Lily absented herself to the room off the kitchen and was glued to her phone. Eddie and Danielle let her go not wanting the scene that would ensue if they challenged her.

After the chilli had been eaten, and it was genuinely dark outside, the children moved up to the second floor to watch a movie and chat and their parents set up in the living room, playing the old vinyls, also chatting.

“Do your kids have bank accounts?” asked Eddie. Ben and Callum looked at each other and focused. This might be unexpectedly useful.

“Maisie isn’t old enough. I think it’s eleven they need to be?” Emma looked at Simon for confirmation; he nodded. “We have just opened one for Miles. He was very keen to persuade us.”

“I’ve been hearing from Bonny on this,” said Theresa, “I don’t know what I’ll be doing mind. If she’s needing money, she’s to ask me.”

“No ours haven’t,” said Ben. “although they’ve all got savings accounts which we use for when people want to give them money. Technically in my name though. We’ve started to give Lex pocket money thinking it might be good practice, living within her means and all that.”

“She does want a payment card though,” said Callum, “which would mean a bank account. Why Ed? Has Lily been asking?”

Eddie and Danielle looked at each other for a long moment, clearly deciding if they were going to share a sensitive matter with their friends.

“We opened one for her when she turned eleven. She gets an allowance every month. We buy essentials but other things and going out she has to pay for herself. Like you, we thought it would be good practice for her to manage her money.” Eddie paused, looking apprehensively again at his wife. “We went on her phone last week. We’ve been arguing with her about it. She thinks it’s an invasion of privacy for us to look at her phone.”

“Her argument was that we wouldn’t read her secret diary if she had one - which is true, we wouldn’t - and looking at her phone was the same.” Danielle’s expression clearly appealed to her friends to agree but everybody looked very uncertain.

“I think it’s wise to check their phones,” said Callum thinking back to the latest incident with Lexi. “They’re still young and don’t know what’s best for them.”

“They know something of what’s best for them,” argued Theresa, slightly surprised that Callum was so adamant; he usually took a more sensitive approach. “And they can only learn by doing what’s not best for them. I’m wanting Bonny to make her mistakes, like. Then we’ll be talking about them.”

“But if she hides something from you, something dangerous, how would you know?” Callum was being dogged and, whilst he could see that this was coming from their current caseload, Ben was aware that, for everybody else in the room, this was uncharacteristically intransigent for Callum.

“There is stuff out there that we should be careful of,” said Ben. “Lex is private about her phone. We don’t know her password but if we ask to see it we expect her to show us. It’s not been a problem so far.” He felt Callum fidget beside him and looked at him questioningly but Callum averted his gaze.

“Lily wouldn’t tell us the password and wouldn’t unlock the phone for us,” Eddie carried on. “So we had to spy on her to get it, which was hard as she’s so secretive, then, when she was asleep, we went through it.” He fell silent.

“Did you find something?” asked Ben. Eddie took a deep breath.

“Her bank account has more money in it than we can explain.”

The silence in the room was palpable.

“We’re investigating something like this, and maybe this isn’t this, it probably isn’t, but it might be so …” Callum hesitated and Ben took over.

“Children’s accounts are being used by organised crime to launder money,” he stated as clearly as he could.

“What?” Danielle was shocked. “It can’t be that. Lily doesn’t know any criminals. We’d know if she …” she tailed off, thoroughly bewildered, looking to her husband to refute the idea. Eddie seemed at a loss.

“Explain it to us,” said Simon quietly. “I think this might be something we all need to know about.”

Grateful that Amanda had gone through this with them earlier in the week so they could be certain of their information, Callum and Ben explained about children being used as money mules, sucked into it through social media apps and recruited through schools.

“Each school has a captain who recruits the, what were they, cadets and then reports upwards? I’m understanding that correctly?” said Eddie, his anger rising. “So do you know who the captain is at our kids’ school? You have to tell us.”

“We are working with the police on this.” Callum placed a calming hand on Eddie’s arm and was alarmed when it was shaken off roughly. “They are close to getting the person at the top. Remove a captain and there’ll be another captain in no time. To stop it, they need the person at the top. They need solid evidence. If the evidence is weak, they’ll get off.”

“Do you wanna help Ed? Do something?” asked Ben. Eddie nodded decidedly.

“I fuckin’ do. I can’t have this happening to Lily.”

“Well, solid evidence would be one of these accounts. Then the police can follow the accounts that the money is moving between. So far, we’ve been unable to get one.”

“I don’t want Lily in trouble,” cried Danielle frantically, turning to her husband. “She’s going to end up in trouble. You have to leave this alone, Ed, please.”

“She wouldn’t be in trouble,” reasoned Simon. “She …”

“Would you be saying that if we were talking about Miles?” interrupted Danielle. “Or Lexi? Would you put Lexi’s account up as evidence.”

“In a heartbeat,” said Ben calmly. “These children are being exploited. They are the victims of crime not criminals.”

Eddie sat with his head in his hands as Danielle darted panicked looks at everybody in the room.

“Now,” said Theresa, keen to keep the situation rational, “we know Lily is having a bank account … and Miles … and Bonny and Lexi have been asking. Let’s be talking to them,” she suggested. “Get them down here."

Danielle instantly got her phone out and fired off a text to her daughter.

“We didn’t agree,” snapped Emma frustratedly. “We should have agreed that’s what we’re going to do before you took it on yourself to make it happen.” She and Danielle glared at each other, their tempers starting to unravel.

“Too late, they’ll be here in a minute,” said Ben pragmatically. “Please, can Callum and me do the questioning? It’s what we do. We know how to do this.” The other five nodded quickly as they heard heavy steps making their way downstairs, followed by the four children arriving in the living room.

“Serious talk?” asked Lexi, picking up on the strained atmosphere.

“Yes, so find a seat,” said Ben. “Your parents are going to want to see your reactions so sit where you can be seen.” He had noticed that Danielle had reached her arms out for Lily but knew that she needed to see it for herself if she was going to believe it. The children nervously found a spot on the floor and looked up at Ben. He started by explaining to them about money laundering and how the criminals needed bank accounts that wouldn’t be suspected.

“Is that why you won’t let me have a bank account?” asked Lexi.

“It’s perfectly safe to have a bank account,” declared Ben. “It’s just important for you to have your eyes open to people who promise to pay you for letting them move money through your bank account. They would pay some money in, you would keep a bit and transfer the rest to an account they’ll tell you about.”

“What’s wrong with that?” interjected Lily. “It’s just transferring money. People do it all the time.” Eddie stared at her, taken aback by her attitude.

“Lil, it’s not just transferring money, it’s transferring money made from crime,” he spelled out.

“But not a crime that you’ve done.” Her stubborn tone did not go unnoticed by her parents whose dejected shoulders and despairing faces revealed that they fully understood that their daughter was, in fact, a money mule.

“It’s true,” agreed Ben, looking straight at Lily and giving her a reassuring smile. “Young people don’t know where the money has come from, they’re not involved in the crime; they think it’s just an easy way to make some money for themselves. That’s why they get sucked in.”

Lily looked at her parents, appealing for their approval, but Danielle started crying.

“What?” cried Lily, confused and bewildered. “What? I don’t know what’s happening.” She jumped up and ran for comfort from Eddie who put his arms securely around her. He was shocked to his core by her admission, felt the burden of negligence – surely he could have found out about this himself? – but he was determined to defend her innocence in the matter.

“There’s a kid at school. I don’t even know his name. But he knows about this.” Miles’ small voice came from a corner of the room. “My friend Joshua has an account. He’s got three hundred pounds already. He doesn’t have to do anything, just make sure his mum doesn’t see the … I don’t know what the word is.”

“Transactions,” said Simon glumly. “So was that your plan, Miles?” Miles sunk down into himself.

“Yes,” he whispered. “I didn’t know about the crime. I’m sorry.”

“Surely every parent looks at their child’s bank account?” argued Simon. “I would have looked at Miles’ account so they would have been caught.”

“The boy who does it, he knows what people’s parents are like. He said no to me.” Emma’s and Simon’s eyes widened at their son’s words.

“You wanted to do this?” Emma was incredulous. Miles started crying and she budged up to make room for him on her chair. “Oh my god Miles, if something seems like easy money, you can be certain it’s dodgy. If you ever EVER need money, you come to me and dad.”

“Guys,” said Ben, drawing the children’s attention and wanting to give them a clear message. “Callum and me come from that world, you know this, you know my dad and Callum’s mum are in prison. So we know what we’re talking about. That world is not a good place for you to be. It might seem safe to let somebody you’ll never meet use your bank account but these are bad people doing bad things to innocent people. When you let them use your account, you are supporting their crime. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

The four of them all nodded miserably.

“Lily,” said Callum, “you’ve got to understand that you have been exploited. You didn’t know what you were being pulled into. That’s why they target people your age and not older. You’re not in trouble, okay?” He’d wanted to be reassuring but fresh crying ensued. Bonny went to sit with her mum and they held onto to each other tightly. Lexi tucked herself in between her dads. She was so proud of them fighting crime and keeping kids safe but she was scared for her friends and how easy it was to be pulled into something bad.

“I think it’s time for home,” said Simon, wondering how the spoons hilarity had turned into this carnage. Everybody agreed. It was well past midnight and they would have left by now even if they were having fun.

As they were gathering children and coats, the front door opened and Noah walked in.

“This is Noah, everybody, he’s staying with us for a few days,” introduced Callum, puzzled by a strange look that came across Noah’s face. Callum turned to see what he was looking at and saw Emma and Simon staring, both looking confused.

“Noah,” said Emma. “Wow. Not who I expected to walk in.”

“How do you know Callum and Ben?” asked Simon. Callum and Ben thought it was strange - there were no smiles, no “how are you?”, no “you look well”.

“Happy circumstance,” answered Noah, forcing a smile.

“How do YOU know each other?” asked Ben.

“Come from the same village,” replied Noah quickly. Emma had opened her mouth but closed it again. “Seems like the party’s over,” said Noah affably, stepping out of the way and holding the front door open.

“We’ll have to arrange for you guys to come round when Noah’s not working,” said Callum to Emma and Simon. “You can catch up on old times.”

“We weren’t friends,” Emma whispered in Callum’s ear as she kissed him goodbye. “Be careful of him.” Callum frowned and planned to talk to her more the next chance he got.

Noah saw the whispering and was irritated. He would have to expedite his plans before he was exposed.

**SUNDAY 16.1**

It was almost four in the morning. Noah stood on the landing, listening outside Ben’s and Callum’s door. Two sets of soft snoring could be heard. Silently, he crept up to the second floor and listened again. The blasted dog was out for the count – he’d given him enough sedative – so he wasn’t worried about him, but he was concerned about Lexi. Had he given her enough? He picked out her breathing … steady, slow … she was definitely asleep.

He had already decided where he would place the bug. It had to look like somewhere Callum might have hidden it but it also had to be somewhere Lexi would find it. Carefully, he cut out her teddy bear’s eye, dropped it on the floor near her waste paper basket and replaced it with the listening bug, pushing it in so that it would only fall out if the bear was moved. The eye and the bug were a very similar shape. It was perfect!

+++

Noah offered to cook breakfast the following morning. For his plan to work he needed to plant a seed and that meant being around the family, something he usually avoided. The conversation over breakfast played straight into his hands.

“So now I know about money laundering and can make sure I don’t let anybody else use my bank account, it’s safe for me to have one,” announced Lexi. Roman and Tyler watched interestedly - Lexi paved the way for their future.

“Dad and me will discuss it,” said Ben, knowing that Lexi had raised it this way to force their hand.

“If we do say yes, and I’m not promising that, we’ll still be checking it regularly,” stated Callum.

Lexi scowled at him.

“So what is the age when you stop checking on me?” she demanded. Her dads answered at the same time.

“Eighteen,” said Callum.

“Sixteen,” said Ben.

They looked at each other, fed up that they had been caught out not being united in their thinking.

“Dad and me will discuss it,” said Ben. Lexi scowled again at Callum.

“Callum’s going to be keeping a close eye on you,” laughed Noah, laughing even more inside at how easy that had been. He was delighted to see Lexi continuing to scowl at Callum.

Also a relief was that she had woken up normally, showing no apparent after effects of the half a sleeping tablet he had managed to mix into a chocolate truffle he put on her bedside table, knowing she would not resist eating it. It matched the sweets in a bowl of truffles he had put in the children’s study (without the sedative) so she wouldn’t wonder too hard how one came to be in her room. He had been fairly certain the children would end their day in the children’s study – it was what they often did – but it had been a relief to see the empty bowl.

The dog, however, was a different matter and Noah was beginning to realise that he had overdosed Robbie. As if he was reading Noah’s mind, Ben became concerned all of a sudden.

“Where’s Robbie?” he asked, shouting, “ROBBIE!”

“He’s just there, Daddy,” said Roman, pointing at the rug near the French windows. Robbie was lounged out having a snooze.

“He’s a lazy sausage,” laughed Ben.

+++

Two hours later, Ben and Callum were kneeling on the rug by Robbie’s side. The little dog had been sleeping all day, not even being interested in going out in the garden.

“This is not normal. I’m ringing the vet, they have emergency appointments on a Sunday.” Ben got out his phone, all the time stroking Robbie’s tum.

The vet saw them quickly but couldn’t find a reason for Robbie’s sleepiness. Robbie was slightly more awake and managed to walk in but the vet knew him and agreed it wasn’t normal for him. He took some blood to send off for screening and urged Ben to bring Robbie back if he didn’t pick up.

“What are they going to screen for?” asked Noah when Ben got home.

“Iron levels, infection, he said,” answered Ben. Noah breathed a sigh of relief.


	8. Losses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little warning - I start with a miscarriage in this chapter, hopefully sensitively (I've had two myself), but if this will be difficult for you to read, skip down to the first +++

**MONDAY 18.1**

Seeing the spots of blood in her underwear, Whitney felt faint. She had been waiting to feel pregnant, to have morning sickness, to go off foods she normally liked, for her breasts to feel tender, something, anything. Stuart had been lovingly supportive, reassuring her that it was early days, telling her that there wasn’t a universal set of symptoms, that it was different for everybody. They had both been excited about the dating scan coming up in a week’s time but, sitting on the toilet this morning, Whitney knew it was over.

She could hear Stuart whistling in the kitchen and was suddenly floored by the idea of crushing his dreams. He wanted to be a dad so much. They were getting married in less than a month and it was supposed to be their happy ever after - a beautiful wedding and then a baby – but she, tragic Whitney Dean, had spoiled it. Realising there was much more blood than she had thought, she searched for the pads she had put to the back of the cupboard thinking she wouldn’t need them for the next few months.

Moving into the bedroom, she lay on the bed. She’d read somewhere about lying down and keeping your feet raised to stop yourself from miscarrying … or was that for something else? Crying softly, she knew it was all futile. It had all been too good to be true. She had fallen pregnant almost immediately after stopping her contraception and had hardly believed her luck. Several of her friends had tried for months and months before falling pregnant; her sister Tiffany had been married for four years and had been trying for three of those with no pregnancy. Reflecting on her usual misfortune, she decided that she’d been a fool for being so pleased with herself. Losing the baby was much more typical of her life.

The door opened slowly and Stuart came in.

“You alright Whit? Tired my love?” He tiptoed over to the bed when she didn’t reply, clearly expecting her to be asleep as he jumped back slightly when he saw her eyes open and her tear-stained face. She gripped his hand.

“Baby’s gone,” she whispered. She scrutinised his face looking for disappointment but all she could see was concern. Stuart fell to his knees by the bed and kissed her tears. Whitney was the most precious part of his life and seeing her beautiful big eyes so full of pain cut him deeply.

“Are you in pain? Do we need to go to the hospital?” All he was bothered about was Whitney and making sure she was alright. “What can I do to help Whit? Just tell me.”

"It’s like period pain – sort of. It does hurt but … I don’t know what’s next.” Whitney looked numb. “Call the doctor, maybe, find out what we have to do.” Stuart jumped up and grabbed his phone, glad to have something purposeful to occupy him. He sat on the bed, holding Whitney’s hand and made the call.

Half an hour later, they were en route to the hospital. Whitney had got ready quietly in an almost robotic way. Wanting to have some control of something, she applied her make-up perfectly as always and made sure her jet black hair was shiny and smooth, concentrating so that other thoughts did not have room to be in her head. Stuart was careful not to crowd her but was there and he was a huge comfort to her.

The short bus ride this morning seemed to take an age.

“Did you see all of the Mitchells’ faces when we told them at Christmas?” Stuart turned to Whitney, surprised at her question.

“No, what did they do?” He remembered only excitement from that moment and wondered what Whitney had picked up that he had missed. He didn’t doubt her – she was often wise to moods that slipped past him.

“I could see they thought it was too soon to be telling everybody. Louise, Sharon, even Ben. I was a bit annoyed with them all at that time, well not really ‘cause I was so ‘appy, but they were right. All the advice tells you not to tell everybody until after the first trimester.”

“Whit, why does it matter? They’re our family and they’re only going to care that you’re alright.” Whitney gave him a frustrated look.

“’Cause it’s not just them - I’ve told EVERYBODY. Even the market inspector knows. I’m such an idiot.” She started to weep in earnest and Stuart, not knowing what else to do, put his arm around her and kissed her hair. Determined to be strong for Whitney, he ignored the concerned looks of their fellow passengers and made sure that his own tears did not surface.

Neither Stuart nor Whitney felt at ease in hospitals. To start with, the signs were confusing, all those colours to follow and then at the end of the blue line, or the orange line, whatever, there would be a corridor with several doors and no clue which was the right one. After several wrong turns and asking clueless porters for help, they eventually found the department they needed only to be immediately sent off on another treasure trail to get a scan for confirmation of the miscarriage. Their stress levels were through the roof by the time they were seen. Handling the all too familiar situation skilfully, the radiographer was comforting.

“It’s more common that you probably think,” she said reassuringly. “Lots of women go on to have successful pregnancies.” This message was reiterated by the doctor they saw next.

“We know miscarriage happens mostly because there are problems with the foetus. It’s your body knowing what’s best.” She looked kindly at Whitney and Stuart. “I know you are desperately disappointed, Whitney, but the most recent studies show that, for women not having difficulties falling pregnant, it is often just a matter of months between miscarriage and the next pregnancy. So, don’t lose hope. You can resume intercourse as soon as the miscarriage symptoms are gone.” All the same, she gave them a leaflet about counselling services as they left.

They looked despairingly at the coloured lines and wondered if they would ever find the exit.

Outside the hospital, Stuart signalled a cab. They were both emotionally strung out and needed to get home as quickly as possible. Whitney glanced at him gratefully, comforted by his care of her. She could always depend on her Stuart.

“We’re still getting married next month,” she said determinedly.

“Try stopping us,” grinned Stuart, doing his best to be positive enough for both of them. “Now, I’m proposing a day in bed watching that box set, eating ice cream out of the tub.”

“No, go to work,” replied Whitney half-heartedly. She liked the sound of his plan and was pleased to hear his reply.

“Not a chance.”

+++

Callum stared at his phone and immediately made a call.

“Not a text message scenario, Stu. Something like this, make a call,” he admonished his brother. Ben watched, wondering what had happened. Callum listened for a few moments. “Well, we’ve got our arms round you both. Tell Whit we love her,” he said before ringing off, staring sadly at Ben. “Whit’s lost the baby,” he told him, pausing in solidarity with his brother’s loss before saying, “You were right about her telling everybody so soon. She’s wishing she hadn’t.”

“God, poor Whit,” commiserated Ben. “And Stu – he was almost more excited than she was. Oh, babe …” He jumped up to hug his husband, whose face had crumpled. Callum held on tight; he hated things going wrong for Stuart and had a guilt complex about being generally the luckier brother. Ben knew exactly what was going through his mind. “Listen,” he said reasonably, “life is life. Shit bits and great bits for all of us. Stuart and Whitney will get through this and we will be there cheering them on.”

They had just finished their team meeting, the team had left on their various assignments and they were waiting for Karen and Paul Driver to arrive. Callum pulled the pocket screens across, dividing the office so that there was a meeting room at the front and any attendees could not see their evidence boards. He was dismayed that there was to be no new nephew or niece in the summer and didn’t feel like working; his preference would have been to lay with Ben on the big sofa for the rest of the day. Yet again, Ben was in his head.

“Let’s do this meeting and then lay on the sofa and listen to music. I’ve got the perfect playlist for sad cuddles.” Ben had his puppy dog eyes in full play and Callum almost laughed.

“What? What the fuck are sad cuddles?” Whatever they were, he wanted them.

“You know. When life is wearing you down and all you want to do is rest in the arms of your beloved.” Ben placed his arms around Callum’s waist and nestled his head against his shoulder, after giving his neck a sly kiss. “This is a taster,” he murmured sensually. Callum held on, drinking in the scent of Ben’s shampoo, feeling the muscles in his back and wanting never to let go.

“Okay, sad cuddles it is.”

They were disturbed by the office doorbell and sprang apart, checking each other that they looked professional.

Karen and Paul Driver sat down nervously. They were both in their early forties but looked at least ten years older. Karen was significantly overweight and had dry, bleached blond hair that made a triangle shape around her face. It was a pretty face but the right word to describe it was haggard. Paul was a skinny, short man with his t shirt tucked tight into his belted jeans, all wired and tense. His thinning hair sat on top of a face with distrustful eyes and sliver-thin lips. He looked mean … maybe because he was. Money they didn’t have had been spent on this investigation and he was annoyed about that, a frustration underlined by the fact that Tilly was still missing.

Callum and Ben had found them problematic from the outset and had been prepared to walk away when it seemed that the Drivers wanted them to work separately from the official police investigation. Paul was antsy, secretive and impossibly defensive – the most difficult type of person to work for – and Karen acted as though life had beaten her. They were dishonest and unsympathetic characters and Callum and Ben were not hopeful about this meeting helping the investigation at all.

“Okay, we’re going to be really frank with you,” started Callum. “We’re not sure if you fully thought through the consequences of hiring private investigators.” He looked at their blank faces and realised he needed to be clearer. “In the course of the investigation, we were always going to look at everybody involved.” Still, uncomprehending faces looked back at him. “Including you.” Finally, the penny dropped. Paul’s eyes widened in panic and Karen went bright red in the face.

“What’re ya sayin’? You’ve been watchin’ US?” questioned Paul, sounding both anxious and irritated.

“Paul,” said Callum calmly, noticing his rising agitation and wanting to keep the conversation on track. “Karen has been following you so, like us, knows exactly how you spend your days. We know you work for the Jusufi family and their business is the sex trade. You deliver and pick up sex workers, some of them children.”

Paul was deathly pale and Karen was puce, the colours of fear and shame.

“We hired you to find Tilly,” growled Paul, his body prickling with tension. “Not snoop into our lives.” He turned to his wife. “You’ve been followin’ me? Why?” Callum and Ben saw terror flood her face and were immediately concerned that maybe they had put her in danger. They hadn’t considered that Paul might be violent. It was a serious oversight.

“’Cause you were lying to her and she could tell?” Ben stepped in to help. “Her daughter is missing, her husband is lying – anybody in their right mind would try to find out what was going on.” Karen started to breathe again as Paul visibly let go of his anger a little.

“My job has nuffin’ to do with Till’s disappearance,” he insisted, “an’ I don’t know nuffin’ about underage renters.”

“There’s no such thing as an underage sex worker. They’re children,” snapped Ben. “Call them children. That’s what they are. And maybe your involvement in the exploitation of CHILDREN has nothing to do with Tilly’s disappearance but we’d be poor investigators if we didn’t check. We do have a question around that, though.” Callum picked up the reins.

“We found evidence that Tilly knew what you do.” He scrutinised both of their faces looking for clues. Was this news to them? It was hard to be certain. There were nerves on full, some anger, some distress – it was impossible to unpick.

“What evidence?” demanded Paul, clearly worried for himself. Callum and Ben were disgusted that this was his first concern.

“We have given it to the police. They will let you know what it is when they’re ready.” Callum saw Paul about to cut in and stopped him. “We have always been very clear with you that we would be supporting the police investigation. You knew that from the beginning.” Paul glared at him belligerently but Callum did not care. He couldn’t stand the odious little bastard.

“So let’s go back to Tilly knowing,” said Ben. “Did you know she knew?” Paul stared at him defiantly. As he refused to answer, Karen turned to her husband.

“Did you?” she snapped, her face red again and her voice almost a shriek. Paul coolly turned to her.

“Who do you think you’re talking to?” He was showing yet another side to him, cold and threatening, a side Karen clearly knew well as she instantly clammed up. He turned back to Callum, lips firmly closed.

“Okay, so you’re not going to answer the question,” said Callum, maintaining his unruffled demeanour. “That in itself tells us something but let’s move on.” Ben took over.

“The indecent images of Tilly that Curtis distributed. Tell us why they weren’t reported.” Karen and Paul were caught offguard not expecting the change of subject. Furtively, they glanced at each other and came to an unspoken agreement about who was going to speak.

“You wouldn’t understand. People like you don’t have their own kids,” snarled Paul. “If you had your own kids, a beautiful daughter, you wouldn’t want pictures like that, disgusting pictures, seen by anybody else. How many people would have seen them if we’d reported it?” Callum and Ben had heard worse and disregarded his homophobic ignorance. They had no intention of sharing any details about their family with this man.

“She was only fourteen. Just a baby,” Karen was becoming increasingly distressed and Callum pushed a box of tissues towards her for mopping up her tears.

“Were you comfortable with her going out with Curtis?” he asked.

“No!”

“No way!”

So there was something they were united about.

“She thought she was so grown up. We’d see her out and about in clothes, make-up that she must have borrowed, trying to look older.” Karen’s ignorance about her daughter was niggling Ben. How did you know so little about her?

“Who do you think she borrowed them from?” Both parents shrugged. “How did she pay for them?” he persisted.

“She had birthday money, that sort of thing. Her nan would slip her a tenner sometimes.” Karen clearly had no idea what things cost.

“Did she have a bank account?” asked Callum, having an inkling that these parents were the type who did not know anything about their children’s online activities.

“Yes, I think so. She did, didn’t she?” Karen turned to Paul for confirmation. He narrowed his eyes greedily.

“Have you found one then?” he quizzed. “There money in it?”

“We’re asking YOU about it,” said Callum ambiguously although he was working hard to conceal that he was sickened to his core.

Ben was staggered. How could they not have thought about this? Their daughter was MISSING. He decided to be more provocative.

“You knew she was having sex with Curtis?” he questioned. “It wasn’t only posing naked and sexting.” Both parents recoiled at his blunt words.

“What?” Paul folded his arms and glared at Ben.

“No, no, she wasn’t.” Karen’s face was pleading with him to tell her it wasn’t true. Or at least to tell Paul it wasn’t true.

“Yes, she was.” Ben was unyielding. Callum was usually half-admiring and half-despairing when Ben was in this kind of mood, but at this moment it was full admiration. These two needed to have their eyes opened.

“That’s enough,” said Paul, standing up, knocking his chair over in the process and not bothering to pick it up. “You obviously don’t have a clue where Tilly is. This ends here. No more pokin’ and pryin’ into our lives.” He glared at Karen who dragged herself to her feet. Paul slammed out of the room and Karen followed, turning briefly at the door.

“Keep goin’,” she whispered. “I’ll pay you.” As the door shut, Ben flopped forward onto the table.

“I want to think that it’s unusual for parents not to know what their fourteen year old is getting up to, but I know my dad had no clue what I was doing at fourteen.”

“And my dad didn’t give a shit,” said Callum. “Maybe it’s normal?”

Neither of them could bear to think this was true. Lexi was going to turn thirteen later that year; she wasn’t that much younger than Tilly Driver. It was unthinkable that she might be sending sexy pictures of herself to a sexual partner in the next couple of years. She had been brought up very differently to Callum and Ben and to Tilly Driver. Was that all it took? Some concerned parenting?

They packed up and went through to the living room, eager to get on with their sad cuddles.

“We’re nowhere with Tilly,” observed Ben, turning on the sound system to play out his playlist.

“I know,” agreed Callum. “And I don’t know where to look next, do you? I keep hoping that if we keep digging, then we’ll unearth something.” He could feel Ben nodding his agreement against his shoulder, a knee tucked in between Callum’s legs and an arm tucked around his waist. The way Ben lay with him, moulding his body against Callum’s, tucked into his curves and edges, was one of Callum’s strongest pleasures. Coupled with the tunes, perfectly chosen for lying together, he thought he couldn’t be more content.

+++

Callum and Ben lay there for a couple of hours, then grabbed a late lunch before going to collect the boys together. Arriving back at the house, they encountered a furious Lexi in the hallway.

“What’s wrong with you?” questioned Ben.

“Come with me, both of you,” she ordered, turning on her heel and heading upstairs. They glanced at each other and followed her.

In her bedroom, she glared at Callum.

“I know this is you,” she accused, picking up her teddy and waving it at him.

“I think you need to watch how you’re talking to me.” Callum was confused about the teddy and wanted to know what she meant but wasn’t about to accept the tone she was using.

“What are you talking about Lexi?” asked Ben. Callum frowned, feeling undermined and disappointed that Ben hadn’t started by picking her up on her rudeness.

“This!” She held up a small black button. “I know what this is.” Ben and Callum stared at the device in surprise recognising one of their new surveillance bugs.

“How do you know what it is?” demanded Callum. They were very strict about the children keeping out of the office; there was a keypad on the door and they didn’t know the code. The surveillance bugs were only kept in the office and had never been discussed around Lexi. Ben looked at him curiously, thinking that the right question was what was it doing in Lexi’s bedroom. Lexi echoed his thought.

“What’s it doing in my bedroom? And to put it in Ted’s eye, you CUT OUT his real eye!” She held up another small black button. “This was from my MUM when I was born. It’s SPECIAL!” She was shouting and crying by now. Callum was dumbstruck and looked at Ben for support, but Ben was examining the teddy and looking confused.

“This was not me,” refuted Callum, appealing to Ben.

“You’re the one who always wants to know everything I’m doing,” shouted Lexi. “It WAS you.” She stood there, hands on her hips, eyes flashing and full of hate and anger. Callum took a step back feeling as though he had been struck. He couldn’t think straight, devastated that his precious daughter, for whom his love had no bounds, was looking at him like this.

“Callum, leave us,” said Ben. “I’ll be down in a minute.”

“What? Why? We …” Callum stopped as Ben and Lexi rounded on him, both of their faces full of disappointment. He slunk down the stairs, stopping in his and Ben’s bedroom. Standing at the window, he looked down at the courtyard garden. It was always a place of comfort for him and he decided he would sit out there. Checking the boys were alright, he pulled on his thick grey coat and went outside.

Half an hour later, Ben joined him, sitting down on the bench next to him but with a little bit of distance between them.

“You bugged her. Why?” Ben’s voice was quiet and cold and he stared at the floor.

“What? I never,” protested Callum, reaching for Ben’s arm, imploring him to look at him. “Why would I bug her?”

“Because everything we’re involved in at the moment has teenagers unsafe and you’re worried about her. I get it. But you can’t bug her. And …” Ben looked at him then and Callum could see that he was extremely upset and angry, “you did it without telling me. Like it didn’t matter what I thought.”

“But I didn’t bug her,” repeated Callum, bewildered that he couldn’t seem to get this message across. “And now I’m upset that you would think that was something I’d do. And that I’d do it without talking to you.”

“Well, Callum,” said Ben, his voice rising, “there’s only two of us in this house that could have put it in her room, an’ I fuckin’ well know it wasn’t me.”

“Well, it wasn’t me either,” shouted Callum. Ben stood up and faced him, punctuating his words with a pointed finger.

“It. Must. Have. Been.” He shivered in the cold, not having brought out a coat. “I allowed you to become my daughter’s father and this is what you do. I can’t believe you, Callum.” With that, he stomped back inside. Callum was numb with shock. He’d been allowed to become Lexi’s dad? Those words stung. He couldn’t explain the bug but he knew he hadn’t planted it. He believed Ben when he said that he hadn’t planted it – why didn’t Ben believe him? And why did Lexi think it was him? He decided to talk to her.

As he started up the stairs to the second floor, Ben came running. It didn’t make any sense to him that Callum would have done this and he had been trying to find out why Lexi was so certain it had been him. She had told him that Callum had gone into her phone and Ben didn’t know why Callum hadn’t mentioned it. There were a few things that Callum had said recently that he hadn’t mentioned to Ben beforehand. Were they thinking about things in the same way? First he needed to get to the bottom of this and get Lexi to understand that whatever Callum did, it was done out of love. Lexi and Callum could NOT fall out long-term.

“Leave her alone,” he shouted in a broken voice. “Keep away from her.” His emotions were spilling out as his eyes pleaded with Callum to not go any further; he wanted to calm Lexi down before this whole situation got completely out of control.

“This is mad.” Callum was almost in tears. “I need to talk to her. Why does she think I did this?”

“She told me about you spying on her phone,” said Ben, making an effort not to shout. “Are you going to deny that as well?”

Callum caught a movement at the top of the stairs and turned to see Lexi.

“I don’t want to talk to you EVER again,” she shouted. Her emotions were crystal clear as icy rage speared across the space.

“Lex, it wasn’t spying, we looked at it together.” His head was pounding and he could feel the anxiety advancing. “Lexi, please, I didn’t place that bug. I don’t know who did, but it wasn’t me.”

“It WAS you. I know it was you. I’ll NEVER trust you again. Get out of my sight!” she screamed. Callum looked at Ben, wondering why he wasn’t stopping her from speaking to him like this, and saw him looking back with a look of confusion. The screws tightened in Callum’s chest and he fell to his knees.

“Oh brilliant, a panic attack.” Ben’s voice barely registered as Callum felt himself being lifted, dragged to their bedroom and pushed on the bed. He lay there alone, the excruciating pain crushing his ability to think, panic rising as he thought he was unable to breathe. Eventually – he was unaware of how long - Callum felt his breath returning. But there was a new pain: Ben had left him. Ben never left him when he needed him. He knew he should stay and sort things out but all he could think of was running away. Already wearing his coat, he snuck down the stairs and out of the front door. Nobody noticed him go.

**TUESDAY 19.1**

There was no sign of Callum in the morning and, although he was desperately worried about him, Ben was even more angry at him as he’d had to soothe Roman and Tyler who were extremely distressed. It was very unlike Callum to have not thought about the boys.

“We had some night time work to do,” he explained, talking lightly and smiling reassuringly. “It was an emergency call which was why he had to leave suddenly and forgot to say goodnight.” He could see they were unconvinced – they had heard the argument - and was extremely fed up at being put in the position of lying. Lexi was still fuming and didn’t care where Callum had gone. Ben was stressed out by her intransigence and wanted time to talk to her about the importance of resolving problems. It would have to be after school now.

When it was time to go, the kitchen looked like gremlins had been in and Ben was still in his pyjamas. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d pulled joggers and a coat over pyjamas for the school run but he was feeling particularly overwrought today.

“Let me take the boys to school for you,” offered Noah, seeing an opportunity to twist the knife. Wanting nothing more than to collapse in tears, Ben accepted gratefully.

Roman and Tyler were wary of their houseguest. He only seemed interested in their dads which was different to all of their dads’ other friends who all engaged with the children. He was grumpy with them if they were in the bathroom when he wanted to use it; otherwise, he ignored them. As they were walking, Noah brought up the subject of the argument.

“You’re very quiet boys. Was it a really bad argument between your dads?” His sympathetic tone lured them in.

“And Lexi,” said Tyler, his lip wobbling. “She said she never wants to see Daddy again.”

“He must have done something really bad,” suggested Noah heartlessly as both boys started to cry.

“Has he left us?” cried Roman, seizing Tyler’s hand for comfort. “Daddy said he was at work but … is he never coming back?”

“I don’t know boys. I’m sorry.”

+++

Frankie turned up early to do some work on the computer and found Ben still not dressed dejectedly eating biscuits in the room off the kitchen.

“Where’s Callum?” she asked, understanding there was a problem in one glance. Ben gave her the whole story. As he finished, he said,

“It’s not like him. Callum wouldn’t dream of bugging our daughter and, anyway, we talk about everything. I don’t get it.” The more he thought about it, the more confused he felt.

“What?” exclaimed Frankie, her amazement evident. “Of course he didn’t bug Lexi. You didn’t believe him? He told you he didn’t do it.” She was clearly astonished that Ben had even questioned it and Ben had his first niggle that maybe he hadn’t got to the bottom of the matter and had misjudged his husband. “Have you tried to call him?” Frankie’s certainty over Callum shamed him. It was how he should have been. He knew Callum wouldn’t do a thing like this so why had he even entertained the thought? Ben was starting to feel panicked and picked up his phone which, coincidentally, started to ring.

“It’s school,” he said to Frankie, showing her the screen. Tapping to accept the call, he said hello and listened for a minute to the person on the other end. “I’m really sorry. What they’re saying is true. Me and Callum had a big row, Callum left and didn’t come home last night. I thought I’d told a convincing enough story so that they wouldn’t be worried. I obviously didn’t.” He listened for another minute. “Yes, of course.” More listening. “No, of course, thank you.” He rang off and burst into tears. Frankie pulled him in for a hug then wiped his face with a tissue and sat facing him.

“What did school say? Are Roman and Tyler upset?”

“They think Callum is leaving us,” he wept. “And I need to go in and talk to Ms Johnson, the headteacher.”

“Call Callum now,” instructed Frankie, picking up his phone and handing it to him. “This is getting ridiculous”. Ben rang Callum and got his voicemail.

“Babe, you’ve got to come home. I should’ve believed you. School have called and we … I’ve got to see Ms Johnson at ten. Ro and Ty are in bits. They think you’ve left us. I’m worried you’ve left us. Please, just call me.”

“Okay, now show me the scene of the crime,” ordered Frankie. They headed upstairs and she asked questions about where everything was found. She examined the button and the bug closely and bagged them. “They’re probably Lexi’s prints but you never know,” she said, watching Ben sit disconsolately on the bed. “So, Ben, pay attention, it’s not you, me, Callum or Marcus. I don’t believe it was Meg. What about Noah?”

“He doesn’t know the code for the office door … or how to use the bugs. I did show him the bugs when they first arrived but I couldn’t tell him how they worked because I didn’t know myself. And what would be his motive anyway?” Ben asked. Frankie shrugged. Noah gave off a bad vibe in her opinion but she knew Callum and Ben liked him a lot and they had good instincts about people so she was prepared to think she’d got him wrong.

“There will be an explanation,” she said. “But you know it wasn’t Callum.” She looked at Robbie lying on the bed next to Ben. “Is Rob okay?” she asked, stroking his head. “He looks weird.”

“Yeah, we think he’s alright. He just seems a bit low. He’s been like it since the weekend. I took him to the vet on Sunday but I’ll take him again if he doesn’t pick up.”

Frankie left Ben chatting to Robbie and cuddling him. When he left half an hour later, poking his head in to let her know he was going, she carried on working and, from the camera view on the front door, saw Noah let himself in a few minutes after Ben had gone. She waited a few minutes for him to move into the house and, sneaking out to the hallway, she slipped a tracking bug into his coat.

+++

Callum had stayed in a hotel overnight, devastated, lonely and thoroughly confused. He’d thought about calling Stuart but knew it wasn’t the right time given what he and Whitney were going through and he wasn’t sure what he would have said anyway. He didn’t have any friends or family that weren’t tied to Ben; his whole life centred around Ben. Maybe it was time to reconnect with old friends, he wondered. Listening to Ben’s voicemail broke his heart. He had assumed Ben would tell the boys a comforting lie about his absence and was certain Ben would have tried but he was appalled at himself for upsetting them. The message also gave him a small spark of hope so he cleaned himself up as best he could wearing the previous day’s clothes and set off for the school.

Sitting on a bench near to the school, he waited for Ben to turn up. As he rounded the corner, Callum had to fight back the tears as he watched his husband’s sad, trudging steps, his head firmly focused on his feet.

“Ben,” he called. Ben’s head snapped up and he ran the last few steps to Callum. No words were needed as their eyes fixed on each other. Ben could see how much he had hurt his husband with his lack of faith and collapsed in tears.

“Callum, babe, I’m sorry. I’m such a fuck up. Messed this up. I’m sorry.”

“ _I’m a fuck up and I will test your patience but, whenever I do, please stick with me, ‘cause whatever mess I’m creating, I love you,”_ quoted Callum, remembering Ben’s words to him from a long time ago. “I’m sticking with you.”

“God, you’re fuckin’ amazin’ with how you’ve memorised those,” sniffled Ben. “This is pretty much the definition of testing your patience and creating a mess. Babe, I am truly sorry. I should have believed you.”

“Yeah, you should’ve.” Callum looked into Ben’s eyes and saw the remorse was sincere. “But I’ve fucked up with upsetting our sons, so I need you to stick with me through my mess as well.”

“I love you,” Ben croaked, unable to speak properly through his tears.

“I love you,” affirmed Callum, placing his hands gently around Ben’s jaw and kissing him tenderly. They placed their foreheads together and centred themselves on their relationship, knowing it was the bedrock for their family. “Right,” said Callum, “let’s go and get told off by Ms Johnson.”

The meeting wasn’t as embarrassing as they had thought it might be.

“With Roman’s and Tyler’s history, we have to keep a close check on them,” the head explained. “But, please, we’re not going to judge you for arguing. People argue. It’s what you do next that will count the most. We’d like to put their minds at rest though if you feel ready to see them.”

“Yes, definitely,” said Callum.

The boys burst through the door five minutes later, throwing themselves at Callum.

“Okay, okay,” he laughed, trying hard for lightheartedness. “So it’s not allowed for me to miss breakfast. I won’t do it again.” He pulled Ben into their group hug. “We’re sorry for arguing but you shouldn’t worry too much about me and dad. We’re for all time remember. Sometimes we’re going to fall out and make each other cross, but we love each other and we’ll always work it out. So, no more tears and worrying, we’ll come and pick you up after school, yeah?” Kisses all round, Roman and Tyler returned to class, considerably soothed.

+++

Back at the house, Callum and Ben were a little frustrated to find Noah ensconced in the room off the kitchen. They needed some time to themselves and, with upwards of forty photo tiles now on the wall, it was their room for enjoying their family and it was where they wanted to be.

“Oh,” smiled Noah. “That makes me happy, seeing you together. The world is knocked off its axis when you’re at odds.” He smirked inwardly at his insincerity. They were too polite to ask him to leave, and ended up preparing lunch for the three of them and Frankie.

“How is your flat coming along?” asked Frankie as they were finishing up. “Ben says it’s really nice.”

“The contractors are in this week,” confirmed Noah. “I’m hoping to be in at the weekend. I’m going to miss all this though.”

“What - the monster Mitchell-Highway meltdowns?” grimaced Ben.

“Yes, it was interesting this morning,” said Noah smoothly. “I missed the main event last night and then was witness this morning to two traumatised little boys whose lives had been tipped upside down and Lexi … well, I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes, Callum – she’s not going to be as forgiving as Ben.”

Frankie, Callum and Ben stared at him and Noah realised straightaway that he’d pitched that comment badly. The sooner he was out of here, the better; he was finding it increasingly difficult to sustain the pretence.

“Anyway, I’ve got to shoot. I want to catch the contractors.” He left hurriedly leaving the other three staring after him.

“Could it be him?” asked Ben when he’d gone. “I’m sure I didn’t tell him enough about the new bugs. But maybe he’s seen us use the code to get into the office.” Callum was thoughtful.

“You know on Saturday when Emma and Simon recognised him, she whispered in my ear that she wasn’t friends with Noah and told me to be careful.” He took in Ben’s surprise. “To be honest, I forgot about it with everything … but I’m going to call her right now and find out the story.”

“Right, let’s put a camera up in the office. We should probably do that anyway,” decided Frankie. “I … I’ve hidden a tracking bug in his coat as well. He would have spotted a camera and the listening bugs aren’t good mobile, so it was the best I could do.” Ben wrapped her in a big hug and pulled away to sign,

“Promise you’re with us forever. You’re our best friend.”

“Forever,” she signed back. “I love you both.”

+++

The boys were delighted to have both dads pick them up but, arriving back at the house, Lexi was immovable.

“I promise you that I didn’t place that bug and I did not damage your teddy. I will mend it for you though. We had to do all our own mending in the army and I’m good at sewing,” said Callum, Ben by his side.

“Don’t you dare touch it,” she hissed.

“Lex, I believe Callum. He did not do this,” insisted Ben.

“Yes he did. You just don’t want to argue with him so you’re letting it go. Well, I’m not.”

Noah was upstairs in the spare room but with the door open so that he could enjoy Lexi’s rejection of Callum. He would have preferred Ben to have been angry for longer but he hadn’t really held out much hope that Callum and Ben wouldn’t reconcile – they were much too tight. It was Callum’s and Lexi’s relationship that he wanted to damage.

Downstairs, Ben caught hold of Lexi’s arm.

“You and me, sweetheart, we’re taking Robbie out.”

“Dad I can’t, I’ve got a history test on Thursday. I’ve got loads of work.” She took in Ben’s serious face. “I’m not talking about Callum,” she said stubbornly. Ben was grateful that Callum had gone into the kitchen with Roman and Tyler. It would have broken his heart to lose his dad moniker. It broke Ben’s heart.

“Right, I’ve had just about enough of the attitude. Put your coat on. Now! We are going out and we’ll talk about whatever I decide.” Lexi recognised the signs of Ben beginning to lose his temper and decided to comply. Robbie didn’t seem quite so compliant and rather than doing his usual dancing around with his lead in his mouth, he stood still waiting for the lead and harness to be put on.

“He’s not right, is he?” worried Ben. Lexi crouched down and gave Robbie a hug.

“Come on boy, let’s go and have a lovely walk.”

They walked around the local streets and through the churchyard, stopping at a bench as Robbie seemed exhausted.

“What’s your best ending for this thing with Dad?” asked Ben. Lexi sighed dramatically.

“I want him to admit what he’s done and say he’s sorry. If he’s really sorry and promises never to snoop on me again, then that’s the ending.”

“First of all, you don’t get to decide how me and Dad parent. We’ll decide how much freedom you have. But the main thing for now is that you’re wrong about Dad and the bug,” declared Ben. “So, when you realise that, what are you going to do?”

“I’m not wrong,” stated Lexi, her absolute certainty palpable. “But I know now that you care more about Callum than about me.” Her use of Callum rather than Dad was annoying Ben.

“That kind of love is not quantifiable,” he reasoned, understanding the immaturity behind her words and trying to help her. “It’s infinite, boundless, never-ending … so it’s impossible to love one of you more than the other. Dad loves you like that as well, you know.”

“I know Callum loves me, but he …” Ben stopped her with a finger on her lips and she was alarmed to see him look infuriated. He turned her to face him.

“Now you listen to me. Do not call him Callum. He is your Dad.” Lexi’s face set into a stubborn scowl but she didn’t answer him back and Ben sighed, accepting that this might take longer than he’d hoped. He’d wanted to bring back a freshly persuaded Lexi who would apologise to Callum for misjudging him. That definitely wasn’t going to happen.

+++

Fuck, this flat is awful, thought Johnny.

It had taken a couple of sessions with Darren for Johnny to come up with the beginnings of an action plan. The first step was unfinished business with Ollie hence his visit to the awful flat.

“Yes it is,” agreed Ollie. Oops, thought Johnny, realising he said it aloud. “I helped Noah move into his new flat,” continued Ollie, “a gorgeous garden flat on the other side of St Johns church. I had proper flat envy.”

“Noah?” asked Johnny, wrestling with the emerging tendrils of jealousy.

“Yeah, new friend of Callum’s and Ben’s … and mine.” Ollie forced nonchalance. “Do you remember Callum talking about his ex, Simon? The really hot guy? Well Noah is also Simon’s ex. Coincidence, yes?”

“Coincidence no,” asserted Johnny, wondering where Ollie’s usual shrewd wariness had gone. “Did he track Callum down? That’s creepy.” Ollie frowned, trying to recollect the story behind Noah meeting Callum and coming up blank. Had Noah tracked Callum down? Given that he had been staying with Callum and Ben for a couple of weeks, it suddenly smelled off.

“He’s been staying with them. Asbestos in the new flat apparently.”

“Apparently,” repeated Johnny. “Hmm. Maybe we should watch out for him.”

“We should,” agreed Ollie.

It was nice being able to talk to each other normally and they were both reminded of better times. They looked at each other sadly.

“Okay, let’s do this,” said Johnny, sitting down. “Truth time.”

Ollie’s stomach plummeted. He’d spent a lot of time analysing what had happened with him and Johnny and had reached a place where he felt able to move on. It had been hard and his heart was well and truly broken but there were no more tears to cry, no more words of recrimination, Ollie just wanted it to be finished. But now, he was expected to go through that anguish again so that Johnny was able to move on and, if he was honest, he didn’t feel like helping him.

“No need,” he said angrily. “I told you at New Year that we’d always be friends. Well, we won’t if we keep talking about what we were. We need to forget it and start again as friends.”

“There is a need. I need to explain,” pleaded Johnny.

“No!” shouted Ollie, standing up and pacing as far as the tiny room would allow. “I don’t WANT an explanation. I certainly don’t NEED an explanation.”

“I betrayed our love,” whimpered Johnny. Ollie was tall and well-built and shouting and pacing like this was intimidating. Johnny didn’t feel that he would react violently but Ollie was always so calm and measured and this prowling mass of anger was frightening him.

“Fuck off! Don’t say that,” yelled Ollie. He stopped in front of Johnny and hauled him to his feet by his lapels. “I do NOT want to hear that,” he hissed, millimetres away from Johnny’s face. “You do not get to come here and tell me stuff that is going to fuck with my head just so that you can feel better.” He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before throwing him back down on the settee and sitting down next to him. “YOU were confused about how you felt. YOU decided on cheating to see if that would scratch your itch. YOU did not love me enough. I wasn’t even a bit part player in all of that.”

They sat for a few minutes, both trying to think of how to move forward. Outside, darkness was settling in, the lights from the street and neighbouring blocks coming forward and staking their claim on the night. Pressing a button, Ollie closed the blinds, creating a claustrophobic cocoon for the pair of them; might one of them eat the other to fuel their metamorphosis, he wondered.

“I loved you Johnny,” he whispered. “You were my everything. You brought me joy and peace and belonging. Now I’m scared I’m never going to find it again.”

“I’m sorry,” Johnny whispered back, his voice wavering. “I’m going to talking therapy. Trying to sort myself out. I’m supposed to be honest, apologise for the hurt I’ve caused.”

“You do that and you’ll cause more hurt,” warned Ollie. “Do you care about that? In clearing your own conscience, do you get to inflict more damage? What happens then? You apologise for that as well?”

“Do you forgive me?” Johnny’s question came in the softest murmur, floating like a feather around the room. Ollie caught it.

“No,” he said. “I’m sorry, I can’t. We were beautiful. You have destroyed my dream and broken my heart and I don’t forgive you.” All the self-analysis was for nothing. He had worked out a way forward, he’d made a plan, but now he knew he had been fooling himself. He had a long way to go to get over Johnny and maybe the next painful but necessary step was to hear Johnny’s truths. He didn’t want to do it but he knew he had to. “So, tell me,” he said defeatedly.

Johnny wept the entire time he was talking and Ollie despised him for it, wanting to shake him. It was a story of self-centredness, hedonism and addiction, a tale as old as time and Ollie had no patience for it. Everybody had choices and Johnny needed to own his, however damaging they had been. He almost tuned out but the story about George cut through his filter, horrifying him.

“You role-played Ben and Callum? That is … that is seriously fucked up. What the fuck, Johnny?”

“I told them,” said Johnny. “Ben and Callum. I haven’t seen them since.” His body slid off the settee, crumpling onto the floor, where he lay sobbing and shaking. “Honestly, I’m finding it hard to carry on. I’m disgusting.”

Ollie had no sympathy. Johnny deserved to feel disgusted with himself. He walked into the kitchen and tried to find some solace in getting out glasses and filling them with water. He bent over and placed his forehead on the kitchen counter, feeling the coolness of the granite. His nose bumped into wetness and he wondered for a moment if he’d spilt the water then realised it was his tears. Grabbing some kitchen roll, he wiped his face and the counter, and took the glasses through to the living area. Johnny was still on the floor so Ollie lifted him, intending to put him back on the settee, but then feeling his familiar weight in his arms, he scooped him up and held him close. He wished he didn’t love him. He knew he would get over him eventually but he wasn’t even close at this moment.

“What drugs? Johnny, that night, what were you on?”

“Molly, ket, coke. It was wild.” Johnny couldn’t help himself and wrapped his arms around Ollie’s neck. It was so delicious to be snuggling into him. Ollie had more self-discipline and put him down on the settee.

“Sounds like you’re obsessed with Ben.” Ollie was trying hard to compartmentalise and put the idea of Johnny fantasising about Ben into a box he could throw away.

“I’ve talked about it with Darren,” explained Johnny. “Actually, sober, the idea of fantasising about Ben makes me feel a bit sick. High, I got off on it once and it was mindblowing. I know now it isn’t about Ben. It’s about a massive high. I get high wanting to get as high as possible.”

“Why?” Ollie couldn’t relate to any of this.

“I don’t know,” said Johnny dejectedly. “That’s the question I need to answer.” He reached across for Ollie’s hand and ran his thumb softly over the top of it. “I am sorry, more sorry than I can explain.” He looked at his former lover, an unspoken question floating in the air between them. Ollie loved this selfish man. But he also wanted to let go of that love and this was the first part.

“I forgive you,” he said.

+++

Callum and Ben lay in their bed, facing each other, summoning the strength of their love to support them through the conversation they were about to have.

“You allowed me to become Lexi’s dad? She’s more yours than mine then?” said Callum, going first. Ben closed his eyes in shame.

“Deep down, that’s obviously in me, or I wouldn’t have said that,” he replied, striving for honesty. “It’s not what I want though.” He reached across and held Callum’s cheek. “She’s our daughter, equally our daughter.”

“She’s yours biologically,” reasoned Callum, “and you had years with her before you met me. It’s always going to be more than what I have with her. And that’s okay. But it felt like you could write me out of her life if you wanted.” A single tear spilled out and tipped over his cheekbone, its passage halted by Ben’s thumb, its wetness dispersed by a gentle stroke.

“She chose you Callum. She never chose me. She didn’t have to choose you, you were happy as step-dad, but she wanted it. Her choice – it’s a powerful thing. There’s no way this won’t be resolved. We all love each other too much to let anything disrupt our life together. We have to expect her hatred to pop up from time to time. It’s normal. Kids hate their parents sometimes. You watch – it’ll be me next.” They both knew this was true, especially for Lexi with her fiery emotions always so near the surface.

“I’m sorry for walking out, it broke our agreement about never ending the day on an argument, but you left me, and that broke our agreement as well,” whispered Callum. Ben had even more shame about this.

“I put you on the bed. I knew you’d be safe,” he argued feebly, knowing it hadn’t been good enough.

“You’re frustrated by my anxiety attacks?” Callum could remember Ben’s words as he’d left him lying contorted in pain on their bed. Ben withdrew his hand that had been stroking Callum’s cheeks.

“I don’t make you better. I want to make you better,” he said quietly. “I want the attacks to stop and they don’t, so something must still be wrong, and I can’t fix it …” Callum drank in the love and care coming from Ben and understood what pain he was causing his beloved husband. That was part of the deal of loving somebody – sometimes there is pain because love matters so much.

“There’s too much damage. I’m never going to be fixed. You said it, mostly it’s under control but sometimes it isn’t and maintenance is needed. From me, maintenance from me, self-care.” An emerging clarity was lighting the way for Callum.

“So, that’s being by yourself?” Ben hated the idea of separation, however brief, being part of their reality. He wanted to be Callum’s rock, his safe place, but he was prepared to support him in whatever way he thought was right.

“No, running away to be by myself, that’s self-harm. I need to be with you Ben, you help me. I feel safe with you.” Callum could see that Ben had been prepared to do whatever Callum wanted, that he would do anything for Callum’s happiness, so then seeing relief, hope, resolve and love burst out of those sparkling blue eyes sent a warmth coursing through his veins. His amazing smile broke across his face at the same time as Ben’s shy smile.

“God, we’re idiots,” laughed Callum.

“We need another beach,” said Ben, sitting up and grabbing his phone. “I found this one. What do you think? I reckon it will be beautiful even in February.”

“We don’t have a lot of free time in February,” said Callum, looking at the pictures of a tiny, grey stone house with floor to ceiling windows set in the dunes above an expansive beach and thinking it looked out of this world.

“Hmm,” said Ben, clicking onto another page on his phone, an email confirmation of a booking. “First weekend in February. Already booked. Better pack some warm clothes.”

“Can’t wait. Just you and me,” murmured Callum as he pulled Ben down towards him. “Wanna get some practice in?”


	9. Suspicions

**WEDNESDAY 20.1**

“We’re not having this, Lex,” said Ben firmly, sending Lexi to her room and joining her there. Lexi was still giving Callum the hostile treatment and he had decided it needed to stop. “In this country, there is a legal principle called the presumption of innocence. It means that we think people are innocent, presumed innocent, until they are proven guilty. Collecting evidence to prove people guilty is what Dad and me do. Now lots of the time, we have our suspicions but we are wrong as many times as we’re right. It’s why evidence is important. You’re making assumptions about Dad based on one instance when he wanted you to be honest about what was on your phone. Don’t forget, Lexi, you WERE lying about it. What assumptions would you make if you thought about what you know about Dad, what kind of a person he is?”

Lexi had been sitting side by side with Ben, Robbie alongside them, but threw herself back on the bed at this lecture.

“Who did it then?” she stropped.

“I don’t know,” said Ben, looking down at her. “I do know it wasn’t Dad.” Lexi propped herself up on her elbows.

“What’s your evidence for that?” Ben smiled at her using his own words to counter his assertion; she was a smart cookie.

“I know he wouldn’t do it without discussing it with me. And I believe he wouldn’t think of doing it in the first place because he doesn’t want to control your behaviour. He wants you to be responsible and honest for yourself.” This chimed with what Callum had said to Lexi that day at Stuart’s and her view widened to consider other possibilities.

“Somebody did it,” she said, a whisper of fear in her ear. “They came in my bedroom Daddy. What if it was at night?”

“No, sweetheart, how could it have been? Robbie would raise a right old rumpus.” Lexi smiled with relief, tousling Robbie’s hair.

“He’s been very sleepy. Maybe he slept through it,” she suggested, a throwaway comment that rang alarm bells for Ben. He quickly checked his watch wondering if he might be able to persuade the vet to squash him in that evening.

“No chance, he’s a great guard dog, but good reminder. I was a bit worried about his lethargy so I made another appointment at the vet’s. I need to take him now.”

“I’ll come,” said Lexi, clambering off the bed.

“Oh no you don’t,” said Ben, knowing he was going to be asking the vet about the possibility of Robbie being drugged, “you’ve got that history test tomorrow.” Lexi rolled her eyes and sighed dramatically but didn’t object.

As Ben left, Lexi made her way next door into the children’s study having heard Callum in there helping Roman and Tyler with their maths. All of sudden, she didn’t understand why she had thought he would spy her. She could believe it of Ben - he was nosey and disrespectful of others’ privacy - but not Callum. Callum always told her to not be afraid of slipping up as that was when you grew as a person and learned to make stronger decisions. He wanted her to be her own person.

“Hey Lexi,” greeted Callum nervously as she arrived in the room. “Dad said he was taking Robbie to the vet. You didn’t want to go with him?”

“I’ve got a history test tomorrow, so I’ve got to study,” she replied, hesitating in the doorway. Roman and Tyler had a table that they worked at and Lexi had her own desk so there was plenty of room for her to come in but she was unsure how to make amends.

“Can I help? Is there a practice quiz?” offered Callum. He could see Lexi’s hesitation and thought it was because of him, a thought which made him feel unbearably sad. Lexi saw his sadness and nodded, moving across the room to her desk as Callum brought a chair across to sit with her.

“I thought it was you,” she whispered, “but I think I was wrong.” She looked up to see a tear falling down Callum’s cheek. Jumping up, she flung her arms around his neck. “Daddy, I’m sorry,” she whispered in his ear.

“Who do you think it was then?” said Callum, holding on to his big girl tightly. “I can’t think of how it got there but we do know it didn’t get there by itself.”

“Have you been trying to work it out?” Lexi hadn’t thought this far. She had been so wrapped up in her own certainty she hadn’t considered what being wrong might mean. “Are you worried about it?”

“Of course,” said Callum, astonished that she would think he wouldn’t be worried. “I’m almost at the point of making you sleep in Dad’s and my bedroom for the rest of your life.” He wanted her not to worry so he was making light of it but, in truth, he and Ben had been talking about calling the police. Frankie had got some partial fingerprints from the button and the bug and, now Lexi was ready to consider somebody other than Callum was responsible, they could get her prints for comparison. “We’re investigators, Lexi. I think we can do some investigating.” Getting out his phone, he opened their fingerprinting app. It had been expensive and MHI had never had a reason to use it but Callum decided it was worth every penny if it cleared up this matter. Lexi was intrigued and followed the instructions. “Frankie’s going to do the checking,” explained Callum. “Let me just send her a message. Then we get on with the history study.”

When Ben arrived home, he found his family up on the second floor, Roman and Tyler doing Times Tables Rock Stars and Callum quizzing Lexi on her history topic.

“Wow, busy peeps,” he said, announcing his arrival. “This looks good.”

“How’s Robbie?” asked Roman, ditching his tablet to cuddle the dog. “Is he sick?”

“Maybe a little virus,” said Ben, “the vet said he would probably pick up in the next few days and, if he doesn’t, we take him back again. Right, I’m going to go and start dinner. You all be finished in half an hour?”

“You go and help Dad,” Lexi suggested to Callum, noticing them having one of their wordless conversations. “I need to do a bit more revising.”

As they got downstairs, Ben turned to Callum with a questioning look.

“She’s decided it wasn’t me,” said Callum, suddenly emotional.

“Come here,” urged Ben, drawing him in for a hug. He knew this incident had scarred Callum and he wouldn’t be over it quickly. Letting go, he looked at Callum seriously. “The vet thought I was off my rocker asking him about Robbie being drugged. But he rang through to order the test.”

“Do you really think that’s what happened?” asked Callum, thinking that if it was true he would be ready to do some damage to the person responsible.

“God, I don’t know. We had loads of people in the house at the weekend. Then we’ve got our MHI team. And Noah. Assuming it was none of the kids, there’s nine adults it could have been. But if Robbie was drugged, we can assume that was so that he didn’t disturb whoever did it because they were doing it at night. Noah, Frankie, Marcus and Meg have keys but now I’m wondering if we didn’t check all the doors and one was left open, or if one of our guests took a spare key or a back door key. Eddie was pretty riled. I just … I can’t believe any of our friends would do it.”

“That’s it. I’m the same. I can’t believe it. But it’s like I said to Lexi. We’re investigators and we can do some investigating. Not sure how we’re going to get all of those prints for comparison. Lexi gave me hers earlier and Frankie has all of MHI and Noah’s. She’s out at an Arts Centre thing tonight but she’s going to have a go at the comparison tomorrow first thing.”

They looked at each other, both feeling that they had taken a step forward.

+++

Later that evening, Callum received a call from Emma.

“Can I put you on speaker Ems, so Ben can hear?”

“Yes of course. I’m sorry I’m only just getting back to you. I know you left a message yesterday,” she apologised. “I wanted to talk to someone from home before I spoke to you.” There was a short silence as she collected her thoughts. “I needed to speak to my brother, to check he was fine with what I’m about to tell you. Right, okay then. He was once involved with Noah. They were young, just fifteen, and as you can probably imagine, it was an intense love affair, both of them hiding it. When they were sixteen, Noah came out to his parents. They’re ministers at the chapel in the village and were unable to accept it and they threw him out. Like literally. They made him pack a bag and closed the door behind him. He turned up at our house and wanted my brother to run away with him but our parents were not going to let that happen. There was a terrible scene. Mum and dad accused Noah of manipulating Jim, that Jim wasn’t actually gay, that it was a phase. Oh, you’re going to hate this Callum, Ben. Mum and Dad still have their heads in the sand. Jim still isn’t out. He’s thirty years old, married with two kids and a continuous stream of boyfriends on the side.”

“Shit,” said Ben. “Stressful!”

“Yes, indeed,” agreed Emma. “He’s unhappy, his wife’s unhappy. It’s a mess. But here’s the thing. Noah was furious with him at the time but he left and we all thought it was over. Then he found Jim again, perhaps a little over two years ago. I don’t think it would be too extreme to say that he stalked him online. He wanted to meet Jim and threatened to expose him not to his wife, who knows, but to his kids. So Jim came to London. Noah was still angry about what had happened all those years ago, said it had ruined his life. Jim begged him to leave him alone and he thought that was it. But then a photo of Jim and his latest man appeared on a digital photo frame they have that’s linked to their home computer. God knows how Noah got it onto their computer, but when they checked, it was there in one of their photo folders. Jim did think maybe it wasn’t Noah and maybe he'd got mixed up with his second phone, because the photo came off that, but then Noah messaged him. No words, just that photo.”

“This was only two years ago?” asked Callum.

“Yes. Jim has heard nothing since. Noah was such a great lad, everybody liked him, but there is definitely another side to him. I’m probably alarming you for no good reason but my instinct is that you need to be careful.”

Callum thanked her for calling and rang off.

“What do you think?” he asked Ben.

“I think we need to be careful, just like Emma says.”

**THURSDAY 21.1**

Callum was spending the day with Stuart as Whitney had gone to see her mum in Milton Keynes. He had planned a trip to the Science Museum which, privately, Stuart thought was weird but he was prepared to do anything as it meant a day with just him and Callum. It had been prompted by Roman and Tyler having a school trip to the National Space Centre. They had to be at school early as it was a two hour journey so Callum was dropping them off before he set off on his own science adventure.

“Have fun,” called Ben smugly from their bed. It was a freezing cold morning and Callum would have dearly loved to be still in the warm bed with Ben. But he was looking forward to the trip. Visiting museums and other places of interest was new to Callum since he’d been with Ben; Ben was a veteran visitor of attractions and loved a day out. Callum was particularly excited about this one as he was interested in science himself. He smiled inwardly as he remembered Ben fondly calling him a dork; he didn’t mind being a dork.

Ben couldn’t stay in bed for long though or there was no chance of Lexi being up in time, so he dragged himself through the shower and roused her. Noah appeared as they were having breakfast.

“No Callum this morning? Is he keeping out of your way?” He addressed the questions to Lexi which took her by surprise as he usually paid her no attention.

“What?” she said, confused. “No. Ro and Ty are on a trip and he had to get them to school by seven thirty.” She looked at Ben who was watching Noah with a neutral expression.

“What did your contractors say yesterday?” he asked affably.

“They’ve hit some issues, can’t say I understand it all but it won’t be ready for the weekend. Next week, I’m told,” lied Noah smoothly. He was getting a strong feeling he might be overstaying his welcome. It made sense. If there were tensions in the house, they probably didn’t want anybody staying. “I’ll be out of your hair for the next few days though. I’m away at a conference in York, tomorrow until Tuesday.” This was another lie. He’d just stay at a hotel in Docklands.

“We’re having a drink with some friends tonight. You working? You could come along.” Ben didn’t want to leave Noah in the house by himself with the children even with Sharon babysitting.

“Working just lunchtime today, finishing at five. I’d love to tag along.” Noah wanted to maintain normalcy as much as possible so, although he didn’t want to go out with Callum and Ben, he was prepared to go out to the pub.

“Great. We’re going to The Vic so we can head off together.” Ben’s smile was warm and Noah relaxed. Everything was going to plan, he thought.

Lexi watched the interchange knowing her dad inside out. He did not like Noah, of that she was certain. For her part, she hadn’t liked the snide comment about Callum but if Ben was pretending to be friendly then that was what she was going to do.

“I’d better get going,” said Noah, “otherwise I’ll be late. See you later.”

“Yes, see you later,” chirruped Lexi. “Have fun at work.” Ben looked at her under hooded eyes knowing she was in on the game. Noah looked momentarily perplexed and then smiled before leaving.

“Okay, you,” said Ben, when he’d gone, “just be careful. We don’t have any evidence that Noah planted the bug. Remember what I said about presumption of innocence.”

“But you’re checking him?” asked Lexi.

Ben nodded. “But you are NOT to get involved. I mean it.”

+++

It was to be a busy day for Ben.

His first meeting was with Amanda, her DS and Eddie. Eddie and Danielle had decided to share Lily’s bank account with the police but wanted to do it at the MHI office, so Ben was facilitating.

Amanda was first there.

“DS Akhtar will be here at ten. I told him I was walking as I live round the corner which gives us just under an hour, Ben, before he gets here. Talk me through the Tilly Driver case. Then talk me through your Sam Turner investigation. I want to make sure you’re not getting yourselves into trouble.”

Ben pulled the partition screens across.

“I don’t want Eddie to see the office,” he explained. Amanda thought that Ben and Callum were careful and approved of how they ran their business. She was aware that many of her colleagues sneered at private investigators but a lot of MHI’s cases were not police business and personally she could understand why people looked for another solution when their police cases became inactive, as in Tilly Driver’s case. PIs provided a useful service as far as she was concerned as long as they didn’t get in her way.

“He’s a driver for the Jusufis,” said Ben pointing at Paul’s photograph. “Tilly knew what he did. Did you find out about the phone?”

“You got into that phone before you handed it in, didn’t you?” Ben looked sheepish and Amanda laughed. “Does that little boy lost look actually work on people?”

“Yes, it does, so don’t mock,” he huffed. Amanda laughed even harder.

“Come on, just tell me what you found,” she said. Ben pulled up the files.

“Photos and texts for the boyfriend. Curtis Watts. We’ve done a bit of digging into Curtis and he has form for sharing his girlfriends’ photos. He also deals a bit of weed, although the main dealer is his mate John Kingston, known as Kings. Kings is also a captain in Sam Turner’s hierarchy which means he recruits kids for their bank accounts. More on that in a bit.”

He opened another file.

“These are the other photos on the phone. The houses all belong to clients of the Jusufis, except for this one. This one belongs to Ardi Jusufi. We know somebody called AJ has been talking to Ellie Sumner, Tilly’s best friend . Could be Ardi. Whoever AJ is, he is grooming Ellie to find out what hse knows about Tilly.”

“How do you know who Ellie has been talking to? Do you have her phone?” Amanda was concerned about this given Ellie’s age.

“No, surveillance,” Ben said cryptically. He was not going to tell Amanda about their brilliant new listening bugs. Amanda turned her blind eye. “We only got it yesterday, so it’s on my job list today to meet with DI Linsell and point him towards AJ.”

“There are also these photos. We still don’t know where these bits of countryside are. There’s a list of who the cars belong to. Makes it look like Tilly was carrying out her own investigation into the Jusufis. She might have wanted to know what her dad was into. Then there’s her call log and texts. Not much there other than Curtis and we couldn’t get into the deleted stuff. This number is her dad. We don’t know who these belong to. Both dead now.” He closed the file and looked at Amanda. “To be honest with you, most of what we’re finding out about Tilly makes her seem … not very switched on, a bit silly. Do you know what I mean? She’s young though. Her friends are exactly the same.” He paused for a moment, thinking. “I wonder if she really has the nous to root out all of this stuff about her dad. It doesn’t square with what else we know about her. We’re still following the dad. Callum and me, we think he’s off.”

“Okay, that all looks fine. Don’t you go near the Jusufis,” she warned.

“We’re not. All of this is going to DI Linsell. Do you know him?” Amanda nodded at Ben’s question but, as she didn’t add anything, Ben continued. “So, you ready for Sam Turner? We don’t have a lot of names apart from the high school here, Lexi’s school, and we only have those because we know people and we have Tilly’s account. Hopefully there’ll be Lily Kulogowski’s account as well. But we do know how the organisation works from the top.” He pulled up some more files, showing transcripts from surveillance.

“Who have you got working for you? This is a substantial amount of surveillance.”

“Frankie and Marcus who you know. Got a new woman, Meg. She’s exceptional.” Amanda scrutinised him and waited. “Amanda, you know we have a remote worker who’s good at digging around in the darkness,” he said, frowning slightly at having to make the admission. “And we use bugs and cameras. We’re PIs not police so we’ve got to do it our way.”

“I just feel better knowing. It means I can protect you as far as possible.” She reached an arm around him and he snaked his around her waist. “You do a great job. I’m always impressed.” She waved at the boards. “This is all fine, nothing to hide.”

DS Akhtar and Eddie turned up within minutes of each other. The meeting room was equipped with a coffee machine and a kettle so Ben made everybody drinks. He was interested to see Amanda in action and saw how easily she got Eddie to relax and how she built her questions up starting generally and becoming increasingly specific. It was a masterclass. DS Akhtar made notes but didn’t interrupt.

By the time they had all left, Ben was already tired – he was a person who needed frequent breaks -but he now needed to get to the police station to see DI Richard Linsell. When they had contacted him, Richard had been positive about taking information generated by MHI. At the station, Ben was shown to a room that looked like an office rather than an interrogation room. Different to usual, he thought, pleased that he was possibly finally being seen as a good citizen rather than part of the Mitchell crime family. DI Linsell was young, thirtyish, tall and thin, and was very easy to talk to. He and Ben hit it off immediately.

“We’re leaving the Jusufis to you,” said Ben after he had run through the MHI files.

“Oh thanks for that,” laughed DI Linsell. “But wise. They wouldn’t have any qualms about coming after you and your partner.”

As he was showing Ben out, he paused at the door.

“I, er, I’ve been getting to know a friend of yours,” he said.

“Oh?” Ben was intrigued.

“Ruby Allen. It’s been three months or so.”

“Wow, you must have the goods,” teased Ben. “She’s not one for commitment our Rubes. We’re having a drink with her tonight. Are you going to be there?”

“Yeah, she told me it was you and Callum we’re meeting. ‘S why I thought I’d give you a heads up.”

“You do know,” said Ben suddenly serious, “her dad is …”

“Hmm yeah.” DI Linsell lowered his voice. “I don’t know if it will be a problem. I’m just hoping not.”

+++

Ben left the station and went straight to the Arts Centre to catch up with Frankie. He had managed to lift a print from Eddie’s cup and wanted to give it to her.

“I need a training course,” she moaned, referring to the fingerprint app. “I can’t figure out how it works.” She threw her phone on the table frustratedly. “I need a break. Let’s get something to eat at your mum’s café.”

“Now you’re talking.” Ben jumped to his feet enthusiastically.

“One day you’ll be a fat, old man,” teased Frankie as they made their way out and walked towards the market.

“You forgot bald,” said Ben, shooting her a playful look. “I’ll be a fat, bald, old man. And Callum will be slim with a full head of hair. Then I’ll really worry about what he sees in me.”

“He’ll be even older than you,” comforted Frankie.

“And I do have my sexy chops,” bragged Ben, laughing at himself. “That ain’t ever getting old.” Frankie burst out laughing. “You and Marcus comin’ out tonight?” he asked, thinking how much he loved spending time with her.

“Definitely,” confirmed Frankie.

“I’ve invited Noah,” said Ben, putting a hand on Frankie’s arm when she pulled a fed up face. “I’m not leaving him in our house with our kids when we’re not there. Listen, I’m going with this as a working theory: Noah drugged Robbie, planted the bug in the middle of the night.”

“I checked with Charlie. That bug was never activated so whoever planted it probably didn’t know how to make it work. So it could be Noah.” Frankie was convinced it was Noah.

“Shit, I never wondered about that. Why didn’t I think about that?” Ben was surprised at himself. He’d been thinking that Noah didn’t know how to operate the bug but hadn’t thought that it might not even be on. “I’ve ordered a blood screen for Robbie. The vet was a bit fazed but I persuaded him that taking my suspicions to the authorities would be more productive if I had proof.”

“What if you find out he drugged Robbie?” Frankie could see the pulse in Ben’s temple throbbing.

“I will personally rip his fuckin’ head off.”

“What is his motive?” This was the part of the puzzle that had been confounding Frankie. “Marcus thinks it will be to do with Simon because that’s the common link. He thinks Noah paid those actors to be his mum and dad.”

“Charlie said that as well,” said Ben, the cogs whirring in his brain. “So, we know Simon was still in love with Callum. Noah decided he needed to meet Callum so booked MHI for a bogus investigation and what? Get revenge? What did he want to do to him? Then Simon left and Noah was proper pissed off so he decides to get revenge by what? Planting a bug in our daughter’s bedroom? … oh my god, by getting between Lex and Callum. That’s it!” Frankie had to admit it was a solid theory but Ben’s mind was racing now. “Shit Frankie! He wormed his way into our life and he’s living in our house. We’re gonna need a restraining order.”

“Slow down,” instructed Frankie. “Let’s focus on getting hard evidence.”

They found a table in the corner in the café and sat down to devise their plan. Kathy watched them from behind the counter. Callum aside, Frankie was her son’s best friend; they were always as thick as thieves. Adept at signing herself, she picked up that they needed to get somebody to talk. Whatever they were up to looked deadly serious and Kathy shivered, giving her a warning that perhaps they needed to be careful.

+++

Next stop for Ben was a meeting with Meg and Charlie back at the house.

They had been working on surveilling everybody in Tilly Driver’s life and Meg had turned out to be as good at disguise as Ben. She even had a fat suit which she was wearing now with a mousey brown shoulder length wig, frumpy clothes and badly applied make-up.

“I even spoke to her,” she said referring to Tilly’s friend Page, “and she didn’t realise it was me. I promise you, a fat suit is the best way of disguising yourself.” Ben believed her. He couldn’t take in the transformation – he wouldn’t have recognised her himself.

“Who were you playing?” he asked.

“A supply teacher waiting at the bus stop, worn out after a day in the classroom. Convincing?”

“Yeah, very,” complimented Ben. “So what did you get?”

“Yesterday, as you know, we found out about Ellie and the mystery AJ. Our new listening bugs are amazing and, most of the time, transmit when they’re mobile. Today, we have found out that AJ is also talking to Page. Better than that, she went to meet him. AJ is …” she displayed a photo on her screen, “Ardi Jusufi. As we thought. Well, while Page was flicking her hair and making heart eyes at Ardi, I attached a tracking bug to his car …”

“What?” exclaimed Ben. “The Jusufis are sure to sweep their cars. It will be found.”

“It’s fine,” said Charlie. “I’ve disabled it already. Even if they find it physically, which is unlikely if it isn’t transmitting, they won’t be able to trace it back to us. After meeting Page, Ardi went to this location.” A map appeared on another screen then a photograph.

“That’s the same place as one of the photographs on Tilly’s phone. What’s there?” asked Ben.

“Nothing,” said Meg. “I went out there. It’s rough ground, not even farmland. “There’s odd slabs of concrete in places, largely hidden by the long grass and weeds, and some disturbed ground. It’s surrounded by a messy wood, really hard to walk through. The only way in is by this path.” Another photo appeared on another screen.

“Okay, I’ll send this on to DI Linsell.” He made sure Meg and Charlie were listening. “I know you know how dangerous the Jusufi family is. We’re NOT investigating them. We’re only looking for Tilly. And if that crosses over with the Jusufis, we’re backing off. Yes?” Meg and Charlie nodded.

+++

Tired from his day out, Callum was unenthusiastic about going out. Seeing Ben in his skinny jeans and a tight white shirt sold him on the idea, though.

“Stu was not interested in anything in the museum,” he whinged as he was getting ready. Ben lounged on the bed enjoying the spectacle of his man half-dressed. “All he wanted to do was find a pub and get the beers in. We could have done that round … are you listening or just ogling?”

“Definitely just ogling,” confirmed Ben, smiling like a cat who’d got the cream. Callum pulled on his shirt and leant over Ben who practically squirmed with delighted anticipation.

“Get a good look,” murmured Callum, his lips brushing Ben’s, before abruptly standing up and starting to fasten the buttons. “’Cause it’s all going under wraps until later.”

“Oh my god, you tease!” protested Ben, laughing all the same.

Noah could hear the giggling and was thankful this was to be his last night in this house. The best part of him thought Callum and Ben were adorable together but the bigger part of him was enraged they got to be so happy when he had lost his chance of that. He focused on being friendly Noah and went downstairs to wait for them, bumping into Sharon in the hallway.

“Oh hello,” she said. “You must be Noah. Lexi’s just been telling me that you’ve been staying here but you’re going tomorrow.”

“Yes, that’s right,” smiled Noah. “I think I’m in your room, though. Is that a problem?”

“Oh no,” said Sharon, pleased that the spare room had been described as her room; it gave her a lovely feeling of belonging. “I need to get home to my dogs. I’m not staying.” She looked at Callum and Ben coming down the stairs. “Well, ain’t you two a sight for sore eyes?” she gushed as she kissed them both warmly. “Have fun all of you.”

It was a short walk to The Vic but they were all glad of their warm coats as the rain had turned into shards of sharp sleet that stung faces already slapped by the bitingly cold wind. Ben unexpectedly hooked his arm through Noah’s and smiled at him.

“You alright mate?” he asked. Noah nodded.

“Just need to get inside,” he shivered. “It’s freezing.”

“Where are your northern credentials?” laughed Ben, pushing him through the door. He and Callum touched fingertips before following him through.

Their usual table was at the back of the pub and they could see several of their friends had arrived including Ruby and her new man.

“Rubes!” greeted Ben wholeheartedly. “It’s been too long. And I see you’ve brought …”

“Richard.” DI Linsell introduced himself.

“Yeah Ben,” Ruby said, pulling him aside. “You told him I have problems with commitment? That he must have … what was it? … THE GOODS! Really, Ben … it’s not funny …” she broke off, giggling helplessly at Ben’s cheeky face. “I give up. You’re incorrigible.”

“Ooh Rubes, you been reading?” teased Ben, earning himself a playful slap on the arm.

Meanwhile Callum had introduced Richard to everybody else. He was sad that Ollie and Johnny weren’t there. Their friendship group was not the same without them.

“Right, what can I get everybody?” he asked. After memorising the flurry of orders, he went up to the bar deliberately standing in front of where Johnny was serving. Worried green eyes met his deep blue ones and he reached across and gestured for Johnny to come closer. As he did, Callum put his hands around Johnny’s head and brought their foreheads together.

“Always friends Johnny,” he whispered before letting go. Johnny smiled tentatively.

“Wasn’t sure how you were going to feel about me,” he confessed. “So what am I getting you all?” Callum gave the order and smiled at Mick.

“If you’re not too busy, maybe you can spare Johnny later?” he suggested.

“Yeah ‘course Callum me old mucker. He’s only ‘ere to keep ‘im busy, so he’s all yours.”

“Get whatever you’re having then Johnny and help me carry them back.” Callum was not about to brook dissent and Johnny obediently followed him, panicking slightly when Callum pushed him into a seat next to Ben.

“Orange juice?” said Ben.

“Recovery programme,” said Johnny.

“Come here,” said Ben, wrapping comforting arms around Johnny. “Friends always,” he said as he let go, interrupting Johnny as he was about to speak. “No more apologies. We’ve drawn that line and we’re moving on.”

“Thank you,” murmured Johnny. Noah watched the interaction and wondered what it was all about. Remembering that Johnny was the wasted ex of Ollie, he was a bit disturbed to feel curls of jealousy especially when he noticed how close he was to Callum and Ben. He was a bit disappointed that Ollie wasn’t there; he’d been thinking of getting him alone for some fun.

“You have to look at me when we’re talking,” said Frankie, getting Noah’s attention. “Or I can’t tell what you’re saying.”

“Oh, sorry,” mumbled Noah. “What did you ask?”

“About your flat,” said Frankie brightly. “I think your contractors must have finished. I walked past there today and nobody was there.”

“Oh, right,” stumbled Noah, wondering how she knew where his new flat was and also what time she might have been passing. He played safe. “I haven’t been there today but the agent hasn’t told me there’s the all-clear. I’m away tomorrow to Tuesday so I’m hoping it’s ready when I get back.”

“Where are you going? Anywhere nice?” chipped in Marcus who had been busy signing for Frankie as Noah had already forgotten about looking straight at her.

“A conference in …” he stopped in a panic, unable to remember where he’d said.

“York, wasn’t it?” supplied Ben from across the table. He was keeping an eye on Noah.

“Yeah, near there. I keep forgetting the actual place.” He fished out his phone in a pretence of looking. “Helmsley,” he announced, happy with his attempt to cover up.

“Is that near where you’re from?” asked Marcus.

“Not really. The north’s a big place.” Noah wanted to get off this topic. He knew what the next question was bound to be.

“Where are you from?” asked Marcus. The MHI team all knew exactly where he was from. It was the same village as Emma and she had told them. But what would Noah say?

“North Pennines. A small village called Middleton. Middle of nowhere, lovely though.” They all smiled at his lie.

“Ben and me are going north for a weekend away in a couple of weeks, to the coast though. Pennines, that’s in the middle, yeah?” Callum’s contribution to the conversation moved it on to the wisdom of a holiday in Northumberland in February, and some lewd suggestions for how they could keep warm. Noah relaxed and joined in the fun.

Johnny was also relaxed. This was his favourite group of friends. Matt and Amit had arrived, with another schoolteacher friend of theirs called Donna, who was fast-witted and very funny. He was laughing loudly at one of her stories when Ollie came in. He was in a suit so had obviously just come from work.

“Sorry I’m late. Work ran over.” He slid into the seat next to Johnny whose laugh died in his throat instantly. “You alright?” Ollie asked quietly, immediately noticing the orange juice.

“Yeah, one day at a time,” said Johnny, holding out his hand. Ollie grasped it and pulled him in for a cheek kiss.

“Friends,” he whispered. “Always.” Those words first from Callum, then Ben and now Ollie meant the world to Johnny. These were his three closest friends and they weren’t going to let him go; they would catch him when he fell and fly with him when he soared. He looked around to see his dad smiling at him. Smiling back, he realised how lucky he was.

Noah was wishing Johnny wasn’t there. Callum, Ben and now Ollie were being extraordinarily attentive to him and there didn’t seem much chance of getting Ollie by himself. He was trapped on the far side of the table with Frankie and Marcus on one side and Ruby and her policeman on the other side and decided on buying drinks to get out of his predicament.

“Must be my round,” he announced. “Ollie, do you want to give me a hand?”

“Yeah, sure,” agreed Ollie standing up and placing a hand on Noah’s back as they walked to the bar.

“You look hot in that suit,” said Noah as they waited. Ollie turned to him.

“Yeah?”

They were facing each other and both could feel the sexual tension between them.

“You should know,” said Ollie, leaning slightly closer to Noah, “that I am not going to cause Johnny pain by getting with you in his dad’s pub so early in his recovery. Doing that would make me a heartless bastard, don’t you think?” Noah nodded slowly. So Ollie was off the menu. Johnny however …

Returning to the table, Noah claimed the seat Ollie had been sitting in.

“Hi, we haven’t met. I’m Noah.” Noah knew he was sexy and he accentuated the huskiness of his voice to emphasise it. If Johnny didn’t get the message, he was clueless, he thought.

“Johnny.” Johnny sipped his drink, feeling the excitement of a flirtation starting. He loved this part of the chase. But this was Noah and Johnny was certain that he wasn’t who he seemed to be. “You’ve got a new flat round here, is that right? But you’re staying with Ben and Callum?”

“Yes. The flat’s great. Should be in next week.” The truth was that Noah had no interest in the flat. He’d already cancelled the tenancy. He’d handed in his notice at work as well. When all of this was over, he was going to take a trip to Australia and find Simon. Still, getting it on with Johnny was appealing; he was very attractive. He bit on his lip, dropping his eyes to Johnny’s mouth, a clear signal of interest. Johnny’s eyes widened. He had no intention of hooking up with Noah but he couldn’t deny he was hot. Ben was on the other side of Johnny watching the cat and mouse foreplay and glanced at Callum to see if he had spotted it. He had. Another glance at Ollie revealed that he too had seen it. The chatter and laughing continued but faded into the background for the three men considering how to rescue their friend. It was obvious but Ben couldn’t think of anything else so he swung his arms animatedly as he was talking and knocked Johnny’s orange juice all over him.

“Shit, Johnny, I’m sorry. Good job you live here. Let’s get you a dry towel.” He pushed Johnny along the bench forcing Noah to stand up, and dragged him towards the door that led to the flat above the pub. “Back in a minute,” he called. As soon as they were through the door, he spoke hurriedly.

“We’ll explain everything another time. Don’t get with Noah. He’s not who he seems. Come back when you’ve changed … please.” And he disappeared back into the bar. Johnny was stunned. So did Ben already know Noah was a problem? What was going on? He obediently went upstairs to change determined to play his part in whatever was happening.

Back in the bar, Ben sat down, shoving Noah to move up, effectively trapping him between Callum and Ben..

“It was never going to be mopped up with a towel so he’s gone to change.”

“You are a klutz,” scolded Callum. “It’s odd really. You have amazing co-ordination for dancing but you knock stuff over, bump into things and are generally … er … klutzy … the rest of the time.

“Klutzy?” questioned Ben. “Is that a word?”

“Yeah, klutzy,” confirmed Callum. “Now Noah here is as good as Ben at dancing but I haven’t noticed the same level of … klutziness.”

“Klutziness? That can’t be a word.” The rest of the group were laughing at Callum’s teasing of Ben who was theatrically indignant but laughing as well.

“Are you really as good at dancing as Ben?” asked Ruby. “He is a great little mover. You should come down to my club. Sapphire. It’s on the old road.” Ruby’s generosity was genuine and Noah felt the sting of regret that these weren’t his friends. They were Callum’s friends and right now he HATED Callum.

Johnny arrived back and Ben pulled him in to sit down. Richard was on the other side and Ben started a conversation between the three of them. Noah was left with no choice but to turn to Callum. As he turned to face his nemesis, he found him already looking back.

“Please don’t try it on with Johnny,” Callum said quietly. “He’s vulnerable at the moment. I know he’s attractive and who wouldn’t want to get with him but I’m asking you, as a friend, please don’t.”

“Okay,” said Noah, extremely annoyed at this intervention. “I can see he’s got the guard dogs around him.”

“Fuckin’ right,” said Callum, a steely note entering his voice.

“Oh for fuck’s sake Callum, calm down,” muttered Noah. “I’m stuck here talking to you and it really is no fun when you’re having a go at me.” To his horror, Callum shuffled closer and put an arm round him.

“Sorry,” he said. “We’re just worried about Johnny is all. So tell me what you’re doing at this conference you’re going to.” Noah told him about another conference he’d been at the year before but, in doing so, discovered that Callum was very interested in food and had been a chef in the army. How did he not know that? They had a pleasurable conversation about the challenges of eating healthily when making tasty food but it rankled Noah that Callum was such a great guy. He really was something: warm, funny, endearing. Didn’t he realise that when he was going around casually breaking hearts he was ruining things for others?

“Do you ever think about Simon?” he asked. He wanted to know if Simon had really thrown everything away with him for nothing.

“No,” answered Callum. He honestly didn’t. “Did you love him?” he asked gently.

“Yes.” Noah’s response was sad. “But he loved you.”

“No, he didn’t.” Callum’s hand held on to Noah’s arm. “If he had, he wouldn’t have been constantly trying to change me into something more to his liking.”

“Did YOU love HIM?” All the time Noah had spent thinking about how much Simon loved Callum he hadn’t thought about Callum loving Simon.

“No,” replied Callum, “he ticked boxes on my checklist for a perfect partner. But that’s not what love is.” Noah followed Callum’s gaze to Ben, the love of his life. Perhaps Simon had seen that Callum was capable of this great love? Why hadn’t he seen Noah was capable of it? Suddenly, he was aware of Callum squeezing his shoulders. “I’m sorry he’s broken your heart,” he said quietly.

Everybody was getting ready to leave, which was good timing as Callum could sense Noah wanted to go. Noah’s heartbreak over Simon was right there on the surface of his fragile ego and Callum wondered if his heartbreak over Emma’s brother Jim had been equally calamitous for him. He hoped Ben’s theory about Noah was wrong; it was going to turn very ugly if he was right, but, in his heart of hearts, Callum knew it was where they were heading.

**FRIDAY 22.1**

Knowing Callum and Ben had a strong relationship with DI Peacock in the ROCU, and aware that his missing person case had some crossover with organised crime, Richard decided to call on her. His curiosity was roused by Ben’s visit the previous day and by seeing Callum and Ben around their friends. They seemed like good people who might be useful to an ambitious police officer like him but he didn’t want to slip up. He was hoping Amanda Peacock would give him a steer about the wisdom or otherwise of working with private investigators.

“You could look at them as CIs who you don’t have to pay and are generally honest and good … so not like CIs at all,” Amanda advised. “Or you could simply appreciate what they do. I think they do good work and I’ve never known them to interfere with police work.” She looked thoughtfully at the young DI. Good things were being said about him but there was a whisper he’d fallen for a local villain’s daughter who, Amanda knew, was a good friend of Callum’s and Ben’s. “Did you meet them through Ruby Allen?” she asked carefully.

“Ben came to see me,” Richard obfuscated before deciding to be straight, “but, yes, I met them on a night out with Ruby.”

“She’s important to you?” Another delicate question.

“She’s straight. Runs her business straight.” Richard felt defensive about his relationship with Ruby. He knew it might trip him up but he really liked her and he’d never really liked anybody. “She’s not her dad.”

“Well, see,” smiled Amanda, “you’re going to get on with Callum and Ben just fine.”

+++

Later that morning, Richard turned up at the MHI office. Ben and Frankie were absorbed with the fingerprinting app so Callum sat down with him in the front part of the office. The screens were open so the full office could be seen; this was deliberate on Ben’s and Callum’s part to present a collaborative front. Another police contact would be very useful for them.

“Do you live in this house?” Richard asked, wondering how two people of his age could afford such a place.

“Inherited it from my Grandad,” explained Callum, knowing what the real question was.

“It’s a big house for two,” commented Richard, reaching down to stroke Robbie, “and a dog.”

“It would be,” agreed Callum, surprised Ruby hadn’t mentioned their family, “but we have three children.” He made the spontaneous decision to take Richard into the house. “Come with me.”

He led him down to the room off the kitchen and they stood in front of the wall of photo tiles.

“This is our daughter Lexi. She’s twelve. Ben’s biological daughter, adopted by me with the full support of her mum. These are our sons, Roman and Tyler, my sister’s boys. She died when they were very young. They’re nine in a couple of weeks. Ben and me have adopted them.”

Richard had never wanted children. It wasn’t that he didn’t like children, it was just that he had no urge to be a parent. But he could see the life and love in this wall of photos. Catching sight of a wedding photo, he stopped and looked closer.

“You’re married?”

“Yeah, last summer. Ruby was there.” Again, Callum was surprised Ruby hadn’t mentioned it.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know. Yesterday I referred to you as Ben’s partner. He must have thought I was … uptight.” Callum shrugged. Richard could work out his own sensibilities. “You have a beautiful family,” Richard commented turning to Callum. “Thank you. For showing me.” Callum looked at him appraisingly and, assessing the thanks as genuine, he decided to be frank.

“I get the feeling you’re wondering if we’ll be useful allies. So, maybe, it’s best if you know a bit about us. We’re not just two people with criminal records and parents in prison.”

“I am wondering that,” admitted Richard, grateful for the openness. “But I’m also wondering if I can be in Ruby’s world, and if we can be friends.”

“There are grey areas,” advised Callum. “Not just for us, for you too. It will depend how good you are at keeping the faith that we’re all good people when we’re in those grey areas.”

“I want to,” said Richard simply. Callum smiled at him.

“Well, that’s a start. Let’s go and have a look at that evidence board.”

He led Richard back to the office and talked him through the board and the files.

“You use surveillance devices?” asked Richard.

“Yes, because we’re getting answers for clients not preparing a case for court. It makes our evidence less useful to you we know but we do follow the guidelines.” Callum didn’t add that there might be some grey areas here particularly.

“Okay, that’s fine. Let’s carry on.” Richard had picked up a scent and now had his nose to the ground.

“Yesterday, we tracked Ardi Jusufi and Paul Driver to this location.” Callum indicated the piece of rough ground that Meg had found. “They were there at the same time. Our question then was what could they be using this place for. Our colleague noticed a patch of disturbed ground which made us think something had been hidden. Worst case scenario would be a body dump. Not that we know anything about that sort of thing. It would be a first for us. So we looked into missing people in this area from the last eighteen months who fit the profile for sex workers. These are them.” He pointed at the three new photos on the evidence board. Ben and Frankie had stopped what they were doing and were listening. “One theory is that they’re dead, they’re buried here or at the other locations Tilly photographed, Ardi knows about it, Paul Driver knows about it, Tilly knows about it. Ardi wants to know where Tilly is so is grooming her friends hoping they’ll tell him, Paul wants to get to her first.”

“Do the friends know where she is?” Richard’s question was the one they had been asking all week.

“They did. For months. But they haven’t heard from her since New Year. She has stopped communicating with them so they are hoping we’ll find her. They haven’t made the connection between Ardi and Tilly. They think she is hiding from her dad. They’re evasive liars, all three of them. We have to check everything they tell us.”

“So you know all this from your listening devices rather than them telling you?” Richard recognised immediately that this particular grey area was related to the girls’ ages. He couldn’t deny the importance of knowing what these girls were up to though. Callum nodded.

“One more thing,” added Callum. “Paul Driver might want to get to Tilly first because he wants to keep her quiet. We aren’t convinced that he wants to keep her safe.”

+++

When Richard had gone, Callum sent a message to Meg and Charlie advising them to stay on Paul Driver. They were going to leave everything else to the police - DI Linsell seemed tenacious. He looked at Ben and Frankie.

“So have you figured out how to use that expensive piece of kit you made me buy?” he demanded, knowing from the pleased looks on their faces that they had.

“Noah’s print on the teddy’s eye,” announced Ben triumphantly. “It’s revenge on you, Callum, it’s got to be. For stopping Simon from loving him.”

Callum could see the sense in the argument but there were some holes.

“Okay, I can see how that works. But how did he know Lexi would blame me? Even I’m amazed she didn’t think it was more typical of you.” Ben’s mouth dropped open at Callum’s comment.

“It’s not typical of me,” he disputed, a little hurt. “But, anyway, back to Noah, he’s clever. He watches and picks out cracks he can widen. Remember that conversation the day after the games party?” Callum looked at Ben blankly. “I know, it was subtle, so you probably didn’t think anything of it,” continued Ben. “Lexi was asking questions about the money laundering and the bank accounts and you said that if she had a bank account we would be checking it, and she asked how old she had to be before we stopped checking.”

“Oh yes. I remember now. I said eighteen at the same time as you said sixteen,” recalled Callum. “And Noah said “Callum’s going to be keeping a close eye on you” and laughed, but yeah, Lexi did give me the evils.” He sat back in his chair, confusion and disbelief emanating from him. “But it’s mad, it’s … I split from Simon YEARS ago. I wasn’t a threat to Noah.” Callum thought over the conversation from the previous evening in the pub. “But I was, because Simon hadn’t let go in his head. God, this is crazy!”

“What are you going to do? Maybe you do need a restraining order,” suggested Frankie.

“I don’t know but we’ve got a few days until he’s back,” said Ben grimly. “I want the results from Robbie’s blood tests. Then we’ll see.”

+++

For the team meeting that afternoon, Amanda and DS Akhtar were joining them to provide an update on the money laundering. Callum had once told her that the hardest part of being a PI was handing over information and not knowing if anything had come of it so she made sure she always gave him updates when she could. Meg was nervous and would have dearly liked to wear one of her disguises. Callum and Ben had already primed her that Amanda would be curious about her but had reassured her that they could maintain her current identity and protect her old one.

“She won’t recognise you. You look very different to how you looked then and your former identity is not linked to this investigation. You’ll be fine.” Callum was suddenly aware of Meg’s young age as he watched her bite her nails, her brow creased with worry. He chucked her chin, successfully getting her to make eye contact momentarily. “We’ve got you. Don’t worry.”

There was every reason to worry. The second Amanda clapped eyes on Meg, she knew that she knew her from somewhere. Although she couldn’t place her, or come up with a name, Amanda was certain that she and Meg had crossed paths. The consummate professional, she did not give away even the slightest suggestion of this.

DS Akhtar explained how they had followed up the information about Sam Turner’s network and revealed that they had found almost two thousand children’s accounts used over the past eighteen months.

“We want to thank you for your work,” Amanda said to the MHI team. “It sent us in a really useful direction. We should be ready to arrest Julie Golding next week.” She saw the team stiffen and Marcus flick an involuntary glance at the screen. Was somebody else there, listening? “Sorry, Sam Turner,” she corrected. “Tell me, why have you stopped calling her Julie Golding?”

Callum and Ben looked at each other.

“We promised our colleague that we would always use her old name because that was what they wanted,” explained Ben.

“Why did they want that? Are they in this meeting?” she snapped. “Don’t do that. If somebody else is here then tell me.” She stood up, furious and disappointed with them for the first time. “This meeting is over. You two, living room now.” Callum and Ben uncomfortably shuffled after her and her DS.

“What the fuck?” she hissed at them, standing in the middle of the room and somehow occupying the whole space, leaving them feeling like they were pressed up against the walls.

“You wanted our full team present,” said Callum, distraught that they had made a mistake. “But we’re protecting this colleague’s identity. We thought you would know they were there.”

“How would I know that?” questioned Amanda, her voice harsh.

“Because you said to get the full team together … and you know we have somebody else.” Callum’s explanation was plausible and Amanda could see from his face that he hadn’t meant to deceive her.

“You should have said they were there,” she pointed out, calming down slightly.

“Yeah, I can see that now,” apologised Callum.

“Me too,” added Ben. Amanda shot him an exasperated look, knowing HE would lie to her as easily as breathing. She loved Ben and didn’t disagree with his view that police were not all good and criminals were not all bad. Although she had faith in his moral code, it didn’t make her job any easier sometimes when he decided for himself what was right and what was wrong. But she’d thought she could depend on Callum to be more respectful of the law.

“So who are they?” she demanded. Callum looked at her silently pleading her not to ask. Ben looked at the floor. “Don’t tell me. You can’t tell me because they are a LAWBREAKER and I am a POLICE OFFICER.” She sighed heavily and Ben looked up.

“He is a skilful hacker; we try to keep him away from that. He used to create false identities but doesn’t do that now he works for us. Who do you think is doing better at keeping him on the straight and narrow - us or you?” Amanda couldn’t fault Ben’s logic. He was absolutely right but she also knew he was being disingenuous. She didn’t believe for a minute that MHI never used hacking.

“He’s vulnerable, got mental health problems. We look after him,” said Callum. Amanda threw her arms up in the air. What was she supposed to say to that? She could hardly claim that it was a strength of the police force.

DS Akhtar looked between the three of them. He had a lot of time for Callum and Ben and, for his part, didn’t think it was important to know the identity of the mystery colleague. They worked with CIs all over the place whose identities were protected. MHI had opened up this case, they didn’t hurt people, they stayed pretty much within the law. He understood that Amanda had to be squeaky clean but he was confident that she could navigate the murky waters without losing her way.

“Okay,” said Amanda, backing down. She could see that Callum and Ben were doing good. “Let’s move on. Just … I trust you.” She reached her hands out and grabbed one of each of theirs. “I TRUST you.” They both squeezed her hands. “Right we’re off.” She looked at them fondly. “One day, you two will be the end of me.” She smiled and Adam smiled and they left.

“Meg Smith. Look into her,” instructed Amanda as she and Adam walked down the garden path. “And be ready for a fake background. She is not who she is pretending to be.”

Ben and Callum reached for each other’s hands as they closed the front door.

“We messed that up,” said Callum.

“Yes, we did,” agreed Ben. They reached for each other and had a moment of comfort in each other’s arms, both wondering how people survived without the embrace of a loved one.

Back in the office, they were greeted by three anxious faces. Ben flicked on the screen to reveal a fourth.

“You’re safe Charlie,” he said. “She knows you were here but she’s accepted that she doesn’t need to know who you are. But let’s not forget that DI Peacock and DS Akhtar are important allies and, as far as we can be, we’re honest with them. They’re our friends.”

“Thank you,” said Charlie, truly meaning it. Callum and Ben meant the world to him. They had given him purpose and direction, connection and belonging; they’d saved his life and he would be grateful forever. “I’ve got something on Tilly Driver.”

The abrupt change of subject grabbed everybody’s attention.

“I was going through all of the recordings, checking that I hadn’t missed anything. Right at the start, Frankie put one of our old listening bugs in Jack Driver’s van and I left it because we ruled him out.”

“Shit, it’s still there,” said Frankie, alarmed at the oversight.

“It’s not the best recovery because those bugs were not very good mobile. But I did get two things. First, he talked to Tilly two weeks ago.” Charlie beamed triumphantly.

“What?” came simultaneously from his five colleagues.

“Are you sure?” asked Callum. Charlie played the snippet of recording, much of it incomprehensible, but it was clearly between Jack and Tilly.

_Jack: Tills … private … looking for you …_

_Tilly: … hired …_

_Jack: … dad_

_Tilly: … can’t stay …_

_Jack: … find …_

“He played me,” muttered Ben, dismayed at his blunder. “I was acting straight but he was acting queer and doin’ a better job of it. God, he played me. I thought he was an idiot.”

“What was the second thing Charlie?” asked Callum.

“He talks to himself,” Charlie said and played a second recording. This one was random words interspersed with a clicking sound.

_So … what … … … here dad? … … … … dad’s … … move … … what’s he … …”_

“He’s using his phone camera,” said Meg, explaining the clicking sounds.

“Yes,” said Charlie. “It made me look at the files from Tilly’s phone. She had taken most of the house photos. Jack had taken pictures of the cars and wasteland and send them to her. So Jack and Tilly both knew what Paul was doing.”

Ben looked at Callum. “Let’s go and see him now.”

“Before you go,” said Meg, adding her information. “Paul Driver has moved out of the family home. He’s in a B&B down near the station.”

“Right, Karen and Jack are both likely to be in around six. Kathy is taking the kids to the cinema tonight, so we can get round there then,” planned Callum. “So, now, talk me through the butters …”

+++

“I fuckin’ hate January,” moaned Ben, as he buttoned his coat in a pointless attempt to thwart the piercing cold. “It’s dark, cold, miserable …”

“Unlike yourself, you little ray of sunshine,” teased Callum.

“No that’s you. I’m January. You’re July.” Ben shoved his hands as far as they would go into his pockets, cursing the bitter weather.

“Well, then I love January,” laughed Callum, pinching Ben’s cheek.

“Ouch! My skin’s frozen,” whinged Ben, banging on the Drivers’ front door. It was tentatively opened by Karen, who breathed a sigh of relief when she saw them.

“I thought it might be Paul,” she admitted, opening the door fully to let them in.

“Check before you open it then,” said Ben harshly, indicating the bay window to the side. “You can see who’s at the door.”

They were led into the small lounge, with its tired sofas too big for the sad space and a loud clock on the mantelpiece insistently saying that time was up. Karen forgot to offer them a drink.

“Anybody else here with you?” asked Callum.

“Yes, Hope and Jack,” she answered, “they’re upstairs getting ready to go out. Friday night, y’know.” Ben stood up causing Karen to jump.

“I’m just gonna have a word with Jack … no, no,” he said, as Karen started to say she would call him, “I’ll find him. You chat to Callum.”

Upstairs, he surveyed the closed doors from the small landing and, deciding that Jack was most likely to be in the small bedroom above the front door, he boldly stepped into that room, catching Jack unawares and in his pants. Ben closed the door and leaned back against it, leering saucily at Jack.

“Hmm nice,” he hummed. “Maybe I’ll take you up on that offer you was making last week …” He sucked his lips and narrowed his eyes, chortling inwardly at Jack’s horrified discomfort. As he stepped forward, Jack sprang back and landed on his small single bed. “Well, ain’t you the forward one?” said Ben suggestively, taking up a seat next to Jack, placing a hand on the bed between them and leaning towards him.

“I wasn’t … it was …” Jack was beetroot red and placed a pillow on his lap.

“Hidin’ somethin’ there,” smiled Ben, nodding at the pillow and raising his eyebrows lewdly.

“You … you … you’ve got the wrong idea, mate,” stammered Jack. Ben reached forward, leaning close to Jack and looking at him under hooded eyes, enjoying a last moment of tormenting the poor boy before retrieving some pyjamas that had been underneath the pillow.

“Cover yourself up,” he ordered, standing up and resuming his leaning position on the door. Jack pulled on the nightwear hurriedly.

“What do you want?” he demanded, braver now that he wasn’t half-naked.

“I want to know where Tilly is,” said Ben calmly.

“How am I …”

“No, no, Jack the lad,” said Ben, still calm but a shade more menacing. “Tell me where Tilly is.”

“I don’t …”

“You do,” stated Ben, his voice hardening. “So. Tell me where Tilly is.” Jack caught the threatening tone and looked at the man in front of him, shorter than him and not in the best shape but Jack didn’t fancy his chances. Fighting was a mental game as much as a physical one and Ben looked like he could scrap.

“You’ll put her in danger,” he said dejectedly.

“From who?” asked Ben. Jack looked at him.

“You know who. It’s why yer ‘ere ain’t it?”

“So you AND Tilly were following your dad?”

“Yeah,” sighed Jack wearily. “Then that nutjob AJ figured out what Tills was up to and threatened to kill her. She wasn’t careful. Thought she was fuckin’ Miss Marple when actually she was proper out of her depth. She asked me to hide her while we worked out what was goin’ on. We thought dad might be able to help us … but he’s as bad as AJ.” Jack slumped back down on the bed, utterly dejected. “Ya can’t tell mum. She’ll side with dad. She’s scared of him.”

“Leave your dad and AJ to the police,” ordered Ben. “First thing is to make Tilly safe. Come on!”

Downstairs, Callum was charming Karen, who, desperate for any sign of kindness from anybody, was falling for his sympathetic manner.

“You live in that big house where your office is?” she asked.

“We do,” answered Callum.

“We,” said Karen thoughtfully. “You and ‘im upstairs?” Callum smiled and nodded.

“Paul said you were …” she hesitated and Callum sighed inside at her lack of vocabulary.

“Gay?” he supplied. It was her turn to nod. “Where is Paul?” he asked gently. It was always good to start with a question where you knew the answer; it was an effective way of establishing if your interviewee was going to lie to you.

“Pub. Like I said before, it’s Friday.” So Karen was not starting with the truth. Callum sat back on the sofa, almost collapsing as the cushions had lost their form many moons ago; it was useful that his core strength was good or he might have looked ridiculous. He smiled at her and waited. “What?” she said belligerently, forgetting that she’d just been thinking that Callum was lovely even if was gay.

“He might be at the pub,” agreed Callum, continuing to watch her with a friendly face.

“Oh for god’s sake,” she said irritably. “Alright, I’ve thrown ‘im out. But ya knew that, di’n’t ya?” Callum grinned at her with his best bewitching smile and Karen fell under its spell and smiled back. “Alright, I’m not gonna lie, I couldn’t stand what he was doin’. Some of ‘em are just kids, not much older than my Tilly.” The appalled and disgusted look on her face lent truth to the strength of her feelings. “I’m gonna report ‘im and that ‘orrible Eastern European fella to the police.”

“I can help you with that,” said Callum, thinking that Karen was the type to have changed her mind by the morning. “We have a police friend, a DI, who would want to hear from you. Do you want me to contact her?” Karen looked uncertain for a second and then held her head up proudly and nodded. Callum immediately called Amanda not wanting Karen to lose her determination.

“DI Peacock,” he said, alerting Amanda to the fact that this was not a social call. “I’m here with Karen Driver, at her house, and she wants to talk to you about Ardi Jusufi and her husband.” He listened for a few seconds. “Yeah, okay,” he said, ringing off and quickly sharing his location. “She’ll be here in half an hour,” he said to Karen who was visibly shaken at the speed of events.

“Right. I better go an’ smarten up a bit. You alright there for a minute, love?” Without waiting for an answer, Karen was gone. “Oh, there you are. What’re ya doin’ in yer pjs?” Callum heard her say in the hallway outside. Seconds later, Ben came into the room with Jack.

“Who’s this?” sulked Jack, sinking down into the chair his mum had vacated. Ben sat down next to Callum and was prevented from sinking by a strong arm around his waist holding him up.

“My beautiful husband,” answered Ben silkily, challenging as always in the face of ignorance. He smiled lovingly at Callum, fluttering his eyelashes provocatively. Callum pressed his lips hard together to prevent a smile.

“And business partner,” he added, silently urging Ben to behave himself.

“Get a room,” muttered Jack.

“Got a whole house, mate, for whatever we like to get up to,” retorted Ben, feeling Callum poke his side to tell him to shut up. “Anyway Jack, much as I’m enjoyin’ discussin’ my love life with you, knowin’ how interested you are an’ all,” he paused as Callum gave him another warning jab, “we’re actually here to talk about Tilly.” He turned to Callum. “Jack’s gonna tell us where to find Tilly. But he doesn’t want his mum to know ‘cause he thinks she’ll tell his dad. What d’ya think, Callum?”

“Your mum will understand that you wanted to protect Tilly from your dad,” said Callum. “But, Jack, we also need to let the police team know.”

“Yeah, Ben said,” muttered Jack. Ben looked at Callum and got out his phone.

“DI LInsell,” he said, as the call was answered. “It’s Ben Mitchell-Highway. I’m here with Jack Driver at his house. He knows where Tilly is.” Ben flinched a little as an irate voice shouted at him from the other end of the call. “We haven’t gone to get her. I’m callin’ you, aren’t I?” Richard Linsell clearly calmed down as Ben relaxed and listened intently. “Yeah, okay.” He ended the call. “Half an hour,” he said.

+++

Ben and Callum were sent away as soon as the police arrived. A score of blue lights illuminated the small road and, as they drove away, they glimpsed Karen and Jack, bewildered and frightened, being bundled into a police car as the neighbours came out to gawp. They couldn’t help feeling that they had thrown Karen and Jack into the gladiatorial arena as prey.


	10. Endings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please heed the tags - there's a particularly difficult theme in this chapter

**SATURDAY 23.1**

Curled up together in bed, Ben and Callum woke realising they weren’t alone. Lexi was snuggled into Callum’s back, Robbie was stretched out across their feet and Roman was kneeling at the bedside, his face centimetres away from Ben’s as he opened his eyes.

“Aargh!” he yelped, quickly reaching for his son as Roman sprang backwards guiltily. “Ro, sorry, it was just a surprise, a really good one. Come here, bubba.” He pulled him under the covers. “’S too cold out there. Wow, you’re freezing. How long were you there?” He was aware that Roman was not talking and was gulping as though he was trying not to cry. “Hey, bubs, look at me.” He tipped Roman’s face towards him. “You okay?” he whispered. Roman nodded. “Did you have a bad dream?” Roman nodded. Ben could feel Callum awake behind him, so lifted Roman in between them. Callum stroked the little boy’s hair. Roman looked up at him, huge dark eyes brimming with tears, as though he was pleading with Callum to look after him.

“Hey, Ro, we’ve got you,” reassured Callum. Roman lay there, still, looking between his dads, his breathing calming and the tears abating.

“Do you feel safe now?” Ben asked, wiping the tears away with his thumb. Roman nodded. Ben and Callum looked at each other. This had been going on since the argument. They had set about maintaining routines, making sure Roman was safe and secure, giving him lots of opportunities to talk to them, but so far he had said nothing about what was bothering him.

“What do you fancy doing today?” asked Ben. “It’s Saturday!” He tickled Roman. Roman looked up at him with his deep blue eyes twinkling and Ben melted with happiness at being a dad.

“Painting,” he said. Ben widened his eyes excitedly.

“Yes!” he exclaimed. “I love painting!” Callum giggled. He loved Ben’s playfulness with the children. Lexi stirred and put a sleepy arm over Callum so he held her hand as Robbie crawled up the bed and lay on Roman, his snout resting on the little boy’s shoulder, eyes staring up at him adoringly. Roman stroked his scruffy little head and started to cry.

“Hey, bubba, what’s going on?” asked Ben. “You worried about Rob?” Roman nodded. Robbie had picked up a little over the week but he was still very far from his normal self. They were all concerned about him.

“How about after painting we all go out to the seaside? Rob loves it there,” suggested Callum. Ben sat up excitedly.

“Yes! Painting and the seaside, the Mitchell-Highway six. My day is made. Let’s get going, my gorgeous boy,” he laughed, pulling Roman out of the bed. “Shall we paint in our pyjamas?” They headed up to the children’s study on the second floor, Robbie right behind them.

A little later, Ben and Roman emerged from the second floor with their masterpieces, almost as much paint on their bodies from dabbing each other, to find Lexi, Tyler and Callum making meringues.

“Are you part of the artwork?” asked Callum, trying to be light-hearted and not worry too much about the possibility of there being paint on the furnishings. He looked closely at their paintings. “Did you do pictures of Robbie?”

Roman looked at him in awe of his powers of deduction although the presence of a little black animal in each picture was quite a big clue. Callum was impressed with Ben for having the idea to paint joyful pictures of Robbie. Roman was a talented painter and Callum was familiar with his gift; he was more surprised at the quality of Ben’s artwork – it was exceptional. How did he not know that Ben could do this? Between them, they had produced a wonderful series of pictures and Callum thought instantly about displaying them.

“I said we can put them on the walls in Ro’s bedroom,” said Ben. Roman looked at Callum hopefully knowing that his dad was very particular about the artwork displayed in the house.

“Great idea,” agreed Callum, pleased to see a delighted smile on Roman’s face. As he was enjoying the moment, he heard the doorbell and watched Ben jog towards the front of the house. A couple of minutes later, Ben was back, jerking his head to indicate that Callum needed to come with him.

“Okay, we’ll let these meringues dry out and you three can start breakfast,” he instructed the children. “Dad and me will be back soon. We’ve just got to talk to a visitor.”

Going forward to the living room, he found Ben sitting with Amanda and Steve. Ben looked worried and the other two looked grim.

“We wanted to tell you in person,” said Amanda. She was in her official police persona but this was also a personal approach, her face creased with concern and sadness as though she knew she was about to disturb their happy family Saturday and couldn’t bear the thought. “We found Tilly last night. But we weren’t the first to find her. I’m sorry.” Callum and Ben looked confused and she kicked herself mentally for not being more direct with her words. 

“What? But she was alright yesterday, yes?” Callum was unable to process the news. Ben sat beside him numb and silent. They had given the police everything so that they would find her … alive, not dead. Surely Amanda wasn’t saying she was dead?

“She was. You told us that she was in danger from her dad. He found her last night, just an hour before we got to her.”

“He killed her?” whispered Ben, finding his voice. Callum felt him shrinking beside him and shuffled closer for comfort. Ben felt the movement and instantly melded himself to Callum’s side.

“We went to the location given to us by Jack but Paul had found her first.”

“How?” Callum couldn’t believe the coincidence of Jack giving up Tilly’s whereabouts on exactly the same day, the same hour in fact, as Paul found out.

“She contacted him herself, told him that we were coming to get her and wanted to tell him that she was going to give him up. It’s hard to know why she told him where she was. Maybe she thought she was safe, thought we would get to her more quickly than we did.” Amanda was wringing her hands, clearly struggling with what had transpired. “When we got there we found them both. He says she laughed at him, they argued and he knocked her over and she hit her head. It killed her.” At Amanda’s words, Callum felt his breath leave him and was vaguely aware of Ben clinging on to him. Steve was immediately at their feet, hands on their knees. Callum could see him talking but couldn’t hear him. He wrapped himself around Ben, feeling Ben’s frantic breathing against his chest and knowing with certainty that his own breath was about to leave him. Ben sensed it and held on even tighter.

“Don’t leave me, babe,” Ben whispered through his tears. His plea was enough for Callum to push against the onslaught of anxiety, and he pressed his face into Ben’s neck.

“I’m here. Stay with me, please, Ben, please.” They held onto each other, Steve at their feet mesmerised by the strength of their connection but deeply distressed by the circumstances.

Amanda heard the children coming from the back of the house and jumped up to close the door, meeting them in the hallway.

“Dads have just got to have an important meeting …”

“An emergency?” asked Tyler, adopting his best grown up manner.

“… yes,” said Amanda, stroking his head. “They’re going to be a while so I was thinking of calling Nanny.”

“We’re going to the seaside today,” said Roman, his face so hopeful it squeezed Amanda’s heart. “To cheer Robbie up.”

“Dads are still going to want to do that,” she said knowing that if this was what Callum and Ben had promised, it would be what they were doing. “So, let’s not call Nanny. You go upstairs and hang out and I’ll tell Dads that’s where you are. I’ll make sure we’re as quick as we can be.”

“We mustn’t disturb the meeting?” asked Lexi, taking charge and asking so that her brothers clearly understood.

“That’s right. Thank you. I bet your dads are super proud of you. You are the most lovely children.” Amanda gave them all a kiss and shooed them upstairs before going back into the living room. Callum and Ben had recovered a little and were listening intently to Steve’s quiet words.

“I have to go,” she said, standing behind her husband. She didn’t want to leave them but she had to get back to the station. “Steve’s going to stay. The children are upstairs.” They nodded at her but she could see it was an automatic response. She nodded at Steve and left.

“Talk to me,” said Steve. “What’s going on for you?”

“How does a dad get to the point where he can kill his daughter?” asked Callum, distress and confusion fighting for first place. “But we knew he was off. We thought he might be a danger to her. Could we have saved her? If we’d gone straightaway and not waited for the police to turn up? If we’d’ve done that, she’d still be alive?”

“You followed your processes and got there a whole lot quicker than the police investigation. Last night, you HAD to call the police to get her. That was their job, not yours. You know that,” Steve pointed out. “Amanda says that at every stage you told them that you felt Paul Driver was a danger. You couldn’t have done more.”

“It was my fault.” Ben spoke quietly but the devastation in his voice could not have been more clear. “I didn’t interview Jack properly the first time round. I was too flippant, dickin’ around. He played me and I should have picked that up. I’m always so up myself, flirting and teasing, thinkin’ I’m so damn amusin’. And now a young girl is dead because of me being full of myself. Who the fuck do I think I am?”

“It’s not only about your interview with Jack.” Callum knew he had to acknowledge where Ben felt he had caused a problem otherwise Ben would think he was covering for him, but he wanted to make sure that Ben saw all the places where they might have been able to do better. “Is Charlie going to feel bad that he didn’t transcribe the recordings from the bug?”

“Charlie would have if I hadn’t said Jack didn’t need following up,” argued Ben, inconsolable. All he could think was that he should have found out earlier that Jack knew where Tilly was hiding.

“Am I going to think we should have gone for her ourselves? YOU wanted to. It was me that stopped us going. Is Frankie going to think she should have followed it up as it was her bug?” Callum asked. “Is Meg going to feel bad that she didn’t follow Paul for another few hours?” He paused reflecting on what he had just said and turned to Steve. “I’m worried about them. What if they all blame themselves?”

“Paul Driver killed Tilly. Nobody is responsible for that other than Paul Driver.” Steve was unequivocal.

“Yes but we could have got to her before he did.” Ben could not be persuaded. “And me being a prick stopped us from being able to do that.”

“I need you to listen to me Ben,” said Steve, getting hold of Ben’s hands and jerking them slightly to get Ben to look at him. “You can be brash and cocky but you know that bit of you is an act, partly because it amuses you – you are a lovable pest – but mainly to cover up what you see as vulnerabilities and the rest of us know are strengths: your deep love, your loyalty, your tender heart. I know you couldn’t deliberately hurt anybody. You know this as well. Your personality is your beauty. You don’t hurt people with it.”

“That’s definitely true,” agreed Callum. “I love you for all of you, Ben. Take any of it away and you wouldn’t be you.”

“But Tilly died,” insisted Ben, tears flowing freely. Being told he was a good person always made him emotional but, in this instance, all he could think about was the terror of a young girl being attacked by her dad.

“Not because of you,” said Callum, wiping Ben’s tears with his thumbs, “or me or Frankie or Charlie or Meg. Please, Ben, believe me.” He was not so sure he believed himself but he wanted to help Ben.

“We’re going to the beach today,” Ben suddenly told Steve. “To give Roman a boost. And Robbie. Well, all of us really.”

“Sounds like fun,” responded Steve. “But, more than that, it sounds important. Like the most important thing you could be doing today.”

“Yeah,” said Ben, trying to clear his head and focus. He was going to do the best he could today for his family. Callum pulled him up and gathered him towards him, holding him tight and being held in return. Steve watched them, marvelling at their ability to comfort each other. They were truly a special couple.

“Can you get the team together on Monday morning?” he asked. “I can come and talk to all of you, help you talk to each other, direct you to some specialist help. Amanda tells me details of Tilly’s death will be released on Monday morning so your team don’t need to be told until then. Would that be useful?”

Ben let go of Callum and sat facing Steve.

“I think we’ll need it,” he said, his face tear-stained but his expression numb. “Thank you.”

+++

The children and Robbie spilled out of the car and ran towards the beach.

Callum and Ben looked at each other, their eyes communicating their struggles. They were putting on a good act but the traumatic events of the morning had taken their toll and they were both extremely dejected. Callum slung an arm around Ben’s shoulders as Ben wrapped his around Callum’s waist, bringing them as close as they could be while walking. The sharp, salt-laden breeze flicked their faces and Callum saw Ben lift his chin and his eyes take on some hope as he looked towards the glistening surface of the sea. They watched the children pulling off their shoes and socks and rolling trousers up.

“Did we bring towels and fresh clothes?” frowned Ben.

“Yep,” confirmed Callum, running back to the car for the bag. Ben watched him go, loving his every step. He could hear the children’s shrieks as they realised that the water was icy cold and, taking a deep breath of the fresh air, he thanked his lucky stars for his wonderful family. Callum arrived back by his side and tracked his gaze to the children.

“Priorities,” said Callum, feeling intensely grateful for his husband and his children.

“I know,” said Ben as his phone pinged. “Shit,” he said, looking down and reading the message. “Lou arrives on Thursday.”

“What for a visit or for good?”

“For good,” said Ben, finishing reading the message. “She had to move by March anyway to hit the deadline for school applications but now she’s got a buyer for the villa who wants to move in next weekend, her mum’s moving in with her new bloke, so that’s it. She’s on her way.” He looked at Callum. “She needs to stay with us until her new place is finalised.” Alarmingly, he began to cry.

“What? It’s a good thing, isn’t it?” said Callum, pulling him in for a hug.

“Just we go from one thing to the next, never a break, and I … it needs to slow down,” cried Ben. Callum knew Ben tended to become overwhelmed when life’s events coincided and overlapped and he also knew how to fix it.

“So, now, right now, all we are doing is playing on the beach with our kids and our dog. Later, all we’ll be doing is freezing our nuts off eating fish and chips while our bums get wet on the sand. One day at a time, Ben.”

**MONDAY 25.1**

Wanting to make sure he arrived before the MHI team, Steve arrived early. Callum had just returned from dropping Roman and Tyler at school and wanted some advice.

“I feel like we’ve gone backwards. They really didn’t want to go in today and I had tears from both of them,” he told Steve.

“Tyler wet the bed last night. He’s not done that before,” added Ben. “And Roman’s barely stringing a sentence together.”

“It does sound like something might be wrong,” said Steve. Ben and Callum glanced at each other and decided to share with him the story of Noah, the bug and the argument.

“We’re waiting for the results of the blood screen, but we think he drugged Robbie. So, while the boys have no idea about Noah and the bug, they know we argued and they know Robbie’s been unwell. It could be either of those things, I guess,” explained Callum.

“Or both,” suggested Ben.

Steve was staggered at the story. He wanted to stay focused on Tilly Driver for today but this matter also needed some attention. Through his job, he was aware life came with serious challenges and more for some people than for others, but Callum and Ben did seem to have more than their fair share of obstacles.

“Just do what you do and keep loving them,” he advised. “Honestly, I do believe Roman and Tyler will be fine with your support. But you’ve experienced some significant difficulties recently and you will only cope if you’re kind to yourselves. You two, you’re amazing, you know that?” Neither Callum nor Ben looked particularly certain of that.

By nine thirty, the team had all arrived and Callum explained what had happened the previous Friday. He knew they would all see his devastation but he was desperate to give a rational account.

“She thought the police were coming straightaway and decided she was going to tell her dad what was what. It’s hard to imagine what she was thinking of, telling him where she was hiding, but she was young, immature. She was probably similar to Ellie, Page and Nyoka and we have been continually frustrated with their … silliness.” Callum was annoyed at himself for not being able to find the right word. Was he really calling a dead girl silly?

The team were all profoundly shocked and for a few moments nobody spoke. Then Charlie disappeared. They immediately called him back and sent messages but he had turned himself off. Ben looked in panic at Steve, a silent appeal for help.

“You might have to go round and see him,” said Steve, “but, if you do, make sure it’s because it’s what you think he might want or need, rather than what you want or need.”

Meg spoke up, her voice uncertain and quiet.

“If I had followed him for longer on Friday, could we have stopped him?”

“No.” Steve wanted to give Meg an unambiguous answer, understanding that she would pick it apart for the facts. “There was no way you could have known Tilly was in the house he was visiting. You would have just watched him go in and waited for him to come out. You could not have known what he was going to do. There is no way you being there could have stopped him.” She processed this and could not deny any part of it but, confusingly for her, it didn’t make her feel any better.

“If I’d have remembered the bug in Jack’s van, we would have known where Tilly was much earlier,” Frankie pointed out. She had completely forgotten about the listening bug in Jack’s van and that the data from this bug had been their breakthrough. How could it not have made a difference for her to have remembered it earlier? She knew this would be exactly what Charlie would be thinking and could see how Ben was also holding himself responsible given that he had said Jack wasn’t worth following up. The mistakes had been made between her, Charlie and Ben with the terrible consequence of Tilly’s death and Frankie wasn’t sure she was ever going to be able to forgive herself.

“Paul found Tilly because she told him where she was,” explained Steve, keeping his messages concise and unambiguous. “That happened on Friday because that was when Ben persuaded Jack to reveal her hiding place. If you’d known earlier about Jack, Ben could have persuaded Jack earlier and Tilly could have told Paul earlier. The events were all linked. Your part in it, MHI’s part, wasn’t the part that prompted Paul to attack his daughter.”

Steve looked round at the unconvinced faces. It was unsurprising. He hadn’t really imagined that he would be able to stop them questioning the parts they had played.

“The only person responsible for Tilly’s death was Paul Driver. You must keep reminding yourselves of that.”

As agreed with Ben and Callum, he spoke to each member of the team individually and gave them all contacts for some more specialist support, but, after talking to them, he could see that they all needed more time to process what had happened. This was going to have a big impact on MHI, of that he was sure.

**TUESDAY 26.1**

After receiving the results of Robbie’s blood screen that morning, Callum and Ben were waiting for Noah to walk through the door. They were already overwrought with the aftermath of Tilly’s death so to hear that their beautiful Robbie had been dosed with sleeping tablets had tipped them over the edge. They were ready to hurt him.

They heard Robbie’s insistent bark, warning them of Noah’s arrival, while they were sitting in the room off the kitchen, uneaten lunch sat on plates on the small table. Ben was out of his chair like a shot, Callum only moments behind him. Noah had just closed the front door when he saw them running from the back of the house and didn’t have time to think before Ben’s fist connected with his cheek. Callum pulled Ben off shoving him towards the living room but any hope that Noah might have had about Callum helping him was lost as Callum grabbed him roughly and dragged him into the living room, throwing him on the floor.

“Don’t fuckin’ get up,” he snarled.

Noah let his head fall to the floor and closed his eyes. His cheek hurt like hell from Ben’s punch.

“Bet your hand hurts now from doing that,” he snivelled.

“You poisoned Robbie,” shouted Ben. “Our fuckin’ dog? What kind of a psycho are you? Look at him. He’s defenceless. Offers nothing but love. You fuckin’ maniac.” The raised voices were frightening Robbie and he cowered behind the wide chair until Ben picked him up and carried him upstairs to his and Callum’s bed closing the door after giving him a quick cuddle.

Downstairs Callum waited for Ben to return and Noah watched him warily. He’d never seen Callum lose his temper and - he conceded - it was frightening. He looked even taller and his eyes had taken on a darker, more dangerous look. Noah didn’t dare speak, scared that whatever he said would earn him another punch. As Ben came back in, he spoke up knowing he needed to defend himself.

“What are you talking about? I didn’t poison Robbie.”

“Yes you fuckin’ did,” barked Ben, taking a seat across the room. He wanted to hurt Noah, punch him, kick him, rip his hair out and he breathed deeply to manage his fury knowing that Callum wanted answers.

“We know you did because we know you planted that bug in Lexi’s room,” said Callum. He wanted to find out exactly what had happened and why but it was everything he could do to restrain himself from giving Noah the beating of his life.

“What? What bug? Don’t be ridiculous,” refuted Noah, yelping as Callum hauled him to his feet, contemplated thrashing him, but in the end just shook him and threw him back down to the floor. Noah crawled towards the door but Callum was there first, blocking his path. Noah sighed then screamed as Ben pulled him back by his hair.

“Fuck!” he yelled, massaging his scalp. Ben look at the ripped out hair in his hands and, filled with disgust, rubbed them together vigorously to get rid of it as a wash of bile filled his throat. Unable to contain his rage, he launched himself at Noah who curled into a ball but Callum was there, holding on to him before he got to the man on the floor, their eyes locked, silently reminding them both that they needed to get Noah to talk.

“All of this ends now,” said Callum, pulling Noah up and pushing him into the leather chair. “When we’ve finished with you, you are going to fuck off out of our lives. You will never come near us again.” Noah started to talk, but Callum got hold of his jaw and squeezed.

“Fuckin’ shut up,” he hissed. “Simon didn’t love you enough. You’re heartbroken. That is NOTHING to do with me. But, still, you wormed your way into my life, took advantage of my kindness, what for? To revenge something that has fuck all to do with me. All of that is mad enough. But you involved our daughter. You’re deranged if you think that’s a reasonable thing to do. And then you drugged Robbie so he didn’t disturb you while you crept around our daughter’s bedroom at night – are you listening to how crazy this all sounds?”

“I am,” snapped Noah. “It does sound crazy. You’re crazy to have made up this story.”

“We have your fingerprint on the eye from Lexi’s teddy. We know it was you,” said Ben, his fury sizzling. “We know you have let your flat go and that the asbestos story was a lie. We know you have not been in Yorkshire this past few days because we put a tracker in your coat and we know you’ve been in Canary Wharf. The people at the address your parents supposedly lived at have lived in that house for thirty years and have never seen you. The actors you hired to play your parents matched your voice from a series of recordings we played them of different voices, so we know you engineered meeting us. Can you explain any of that?”

Noah could see the game was up. He’d underestimated them.

“I should never have drugged Lexi and Robbie,” he said, genuinely regretting it. Callum and Ben froze.

“What?” whispered Ben, barely able to get the words out. “What did you give her?” Callum couldn’t move with shock. “What did you give her?” screamed Ben.

“Half a sleeping pill. I checked the dosage. I was careful.” Noah knew he had been careful about what he had given Lexi; he’d been less careful with Robbie.

“There isn’t a correct dosage for kids, you psycho,” shouted Ben, on his feet in front of Noah’s chair, Callum holding him back. “Can you hear yourself? You are out of your mind if you think this is a rational response to having your heart broken.” He turned to Callum. “I’ve changed my mind, have you? Time to call the police.”

“Yes.” Callum was clearly decided.

“I’ll deny it,” muttered Noah. “Giving Lexi the sleeping tablet. I’ll deny it. There’s no proof it was me that drugged the dog either.”

“The accusation will still be out there along with the rest of our evidence. Your denial won’t matter.” Callum got out his phone to call Amanda.

“You ruined Simon …” Noah began, desperate to stop the phone call.

“I did not,” contradicted Callum. “I ended a relationship that wasn’t working for me. That’s all. What should I have done, Noah? Stayed with him so that he wasn’t upset? I’m going to be honest with you, Noah. Part of me felt dead inside when I was with Simon. He didn’t do anything wrong which was why I kept trying for so long but he wasn’t right for me. Ben makes me feel alive. Ben is the love of my life. Simon is nothing to me. Ben is everything.” Despite the tense situation, Ben felt a warmth blossoming deep inside at Callum’s words. How had he got so lucking meeting Callum?

“You need to let me leave,” said Noah quietly. It was clear to him finally. Simon’s love for Noah had been eclipsed by his unrequited love for Callum. None of that was Callum’s fault. Similar to the moment he’d realised he might have outed Jim to his children, he felt sick. What had he been thinking of moving into their house? Drugging their daughter and their dog? He sunk his head in defeat.

“We packed all of your things and sent them round to your hotel this morning. We don’t want any part of you in our house,” said Ben. “We have documented all of our evidence. We ARE going to report you and we WILL apply for a restraining order. You can leave, we don’t want you here a second longer but we are about to call the police and it will be even worse for you if they come to your hotel and you’re not there.”

Noah dragged himself out of the chair and slunk out of the house.

+++

Callum had assembled the children in the living room while Ben was out walking Robbie.

“Right, we have a very busy week coming up. On Thursday, Aunty Louise and Peggy are coming to stay for a while. Saturday is Uncle Stuart and Aunty Whitney’s wedding and … hmm … there’s something happening on Sunday.”

“Our birthday!” shouted Roman and Tyler.

“Oh yes,” laughed Callum, “how could I forget? Scavenger hunt and pizza on Sunday.” He looked around at his brood, feeling a surge of overwhelming love for them. He was also aware that Ben was likely to be overwhelmed with so much happening all at once so had made sure to organise everything and had it all neatly detailed in a colour-coded chart. “This will be on the board in the room off the kitchen and it shows what you can do to make sure everything goes smoothly.”

“This is about Dad losing his temper, isn’t it?” said Lexi moodily, noticing the long list of items in her column.

“No,” Callum lied. “I thought it would help us, you know, be organised and not forget things.” He watched Roman and Tyler busy digesting the information on the chart. “Do you understand what you have to do, boys?” he asked. They nodded and smiled, giving Callum a pang of concern as he remembered Ben’s comment about them being too good. Surely most children would be moaning at this point? “Okay, upstairs, I want to go through wedding clothes and party clothes, then you won’t need help with that at the weekend.” They all traipsed upstairs for some more organisation.

When Ben arrived home, he went up to the second floor to find Lexi arguing with Callum.

“I know mainly what I’m wearing. I don’t need to decide everything now,” she insisted.

“Then don’t be telling us on the day that you don’t know what to wear,” said Callum, knowing this was very likely.

“I’m year eight. I don’t need this kind of super-controlling organisation.” She sounded out the syllables of the last word in an exaggerated fashion. Callum held up his hands in defeat and retreated.

“Roman and Tyler have got everything all ready,” said Callum, “no argument, no fuss.” As they reached the bottom of the stairs, Ben looked at him.

“Good as gold,” he commented, before going into their bedroom. Callum followed him in to find the boys busy constructing a complicated Lego model.

“Aargh!” he yelped, inadvertently treading on a sharp brick. Roman and Tyler both leapt up and started tidying the bricks. “Ro, Ty, stop,” said Callum gently. “Just sit down for a minute.” They sat side by side on Roman’s bed as Ben and Callum sat on Tyler’s bed.

“You look like you think you’re in trouble,” observed Ben. “Have you done something we don’t know about?” The boys sat wide-eyed and clearly worried. “We know you haven’t,” smiled Ben, hie heart strings tugged as he watched them visibly relax. “You know how we know that?” They shook their heads. “’Cause you never do anything wrong.”

“What do you think will happen if you do something wrong?” asked Callum. The wide-eyed and worried looks returned. “Here’s the thing. If you are so careful to never do anything wrong, then you’ll never make mistakes and mistakes are great for learning how to be the best you.”

“Growth Mindsets,” said Tyler, referring to something they’d been taught at school.

“Yeah, that’s it,” affirmed Callum. “It’s not just for maths and writing and whatnot, it’s for everything.”

“Dad and me think, MAYBE,” said Ben, “you think we think you have to be always good.” Tyler and Roman looked confused and Callum shook his head at Ben. “We think,” Ben tried again, “you’re worried what we’ll think if you slip up.”

Tyler nodded. Roman saw him and nodded as well. They did try hard to be good. They didn’t want Callum and Ben to regret adopting them and were frightened of what would happen to them if Ben and Callum didn’t want them.

“You’re our boys, OUR boys, our beautiful, precious boys, FOR ALL TIME,” smiled Ben, reading their minds. “We don’t mind if you get things wrong, if sometimes you say the wrong thing. We expect that to happen. One day, you and us will have a row and it will be fine because we’ll sort it out afterwards. What won’t be fine is if we don’t row because you’re not saying what you really think, because then we won’t be able to sort it out. Does that make sense?” They nodded.

“Be yourselves,” Callum added. “Make your best choices based on what you think. And expect sometimes to get it wrong. It’ll be alright. We want this trying to be perfect to end.” He also had an insight into what was going through their minds. “You’re with us forever. We will NEVER let you go … even if your behaviour is as appalling as Lexi’s.” The boys giggled.

“It’s a good point. She’s shockingly mouthy … and yet, still, we love her. Inexplicable,” teased Ben, having heard Lexi come down the stairs and knowing she was outside the door.

“I heard that,” she complained, coming into the room and accidentally stepping on a Lego brick. “Ouch! You need to pick these up. That really hurt.”

“If you looked, you’d see what we’re doing. We need to spread the bricks out so that we can see what we’ve got.” Tyler’s look challenged her to disagree.

“Okay, okay, I’ve built Lego models before, you know,” groused Lexi dropping to the floor and surveying the instructions. “Where’re you up to?” The boys joined her on the floor and Callum and Ben sat back on the bed, arms around each other, watching their children bicker. It was just right.

**WEDNESDAY 23.1**

The traumatising effect of Tilly’s death sent shockwaves through the MHI team.

Charlie went to ground and after two days of messaging and not getting a reply, Frankie and Meg went round to his flat. At first, he refused to open the door but after three hours of them sitting outside it, he relented. It seemed impossible but his flat was even cleaner than usual. Charlie insisted they wore forensic coveralls over their clothes, gave them wipes to clean their hands and faces and gave them face masks. For all of their conversation, they used a mixture of text and voice transcription.

Charlie looked at them sadly.

Charlie: _I’m sorry. I need it to be clean._

Frankie: _No problem. Whatever works for you. But Callum and Ben REALLY need to talk to you._

Charlie: _They’ll try to tell me I’m not responsible but I know I am. I didn’t look at the data from the bug you planted. I should have._

Frankie: _I should have asked for it. It was on me to follow up._

Meg: _Frankie and me should have interviewed him straightaway rather than messing about following him. Ben should have interviewed him more thoroughly. We’re all part of this and you hiding is not helping._

Charlie: _I can only control my bit and I didn’t do my work properly and_

He stopped typing and after a few minutes Meg and Frankie realised he had actually stopped.

Meg: _Callum says we need to debrief properly to learn from our mistakes, to put in place tighter processes._

Charlie: _I don’t want to do it any more._

Frankie: _Whatever you want Charlie. But you should tell Callum and Ben yourself._

Marcus and Frankie had had a similar discussion that morning. Their Arts Centre was a thriving business and they only kept going with MHI because they liked working with Callum and Ben. Frankie couldn’t make her peace with her part in Tilly’s death and couldn’t tolerate the thought that she might find herself in this position ever again. But Callum and Ben were a strong part of their social life now so they wouldn’t lose them if they stopped working for them.

Frankie: _Callum’s making dinner tonight. 7pm. Team meeting at 7:30. Meg and me will help you tell them._

Charlie: _I will be there._

They left then, both having their own things to do in the afternoon.

+++

“That was Richard Linsell,” said Callum, ending a call on his phone. “He’s on his way round.” He and Ben looked at each other knowing this was not good news. They’d only been back home for a few minutes after giving statements at the police station about Noah. Whilst they were there, Ben had been informed there was a possible assault charge coming his way and now he and Callum were both feeling very low about it.

“We’ve got to be careful to only kick the shit out of villains,” said Callum, trying to make a joke. Ben took him seriously.

“You’re right. They’re the only ones who won’t report you.” He was outraged that Noah had made this accusation after everything the twisted bastard had done to hurt their family. Callum had wanted Noah to feel remorseful but, doing this, he couldn’t have made it any clearer that he was not sorry.

Callum and Ben both had criminal records and Ben had done two stints inside but that was their past, not their present. They were different people now. Lexi knew about the past (except for the fact that one of Ben’s times inside was for manslaughter – he was dreading the day he had to tell her that) but they had been clear with her that they had learned from their mistakes. It was going to be hard to maintain that line if Ben was charged.

There was a sharp knock at the door and Callum got up to answer it. Expecting DI Linsell, he was surprised to see Ollie on the doorstep looking very annoyed. He stomped straight into the living room and faced Ben.

“Whatever you’ve done, if they ever threaten to charge you, you call me immediately and you do NOT talk to them,” he snapped. “They call you in again over this Noah assault, you do NOT go without me.” Ben nodded.

“Right, got it. Thank you.”

Ollie sat down on the wide chair.

“Tell me everything,” he said. Ben rattled off the details; it was what he’d been doing all day so far. After hearing the full story, Ollie seemed more relaxed. “So, Ben, IF they call you in, and I’ll be surprised if they do, call me. I’ll be there.” He threw his head back in the chair and stretched out before coming back up to sitting. “I nearly went for him. Noah. There was chemistry, a spark, I felt it.” He smiled dejectedly at Ben and Callum. “I clearly have no judgement so you two better have my back.”

The doorbell rang and Callum jumped up again to answer it, bringing DI Linsell into the room.

“I’ll get off,” said Ollie, noting the grim expression on Richard’s face. Richard waved an arm.

“You can hear it. Got a press briefing in an hour so it will all be out there then.”

The four men sat and, for a moment, nothing was said. They were all worn down with life. Then Richard spoke.

“We have found the bodies of the three missing people you identified in the locations you identified. We have arrested Ardi Jusufi in connection with these deaths.” He looked at Ollie. “I know your firm does not represent that family.”

Ollie was stunned. The Jusufi family were bad news. He knew this because his firm DID advise them; they just had another firm to deal with arrests and charges. What had Callum and Ben got themselves into? He would be having a word with them as soon as Richard left.

“So, the press conference is to be televised and that isn’t how I wanted you to find out. I wanted to tell you in person and thank you for coming to us with your information.” Richard was tired. Working missing person cases, death was always a possibility, but the deaths of these four young people had depressed him.

“We work for clients who want to find out about something. We don’t take on clients who are criminals. We prefer our investigations to keep well clear of crime. If our clients want us to investigate a crime, we talk to your lot. If we come across a crime, we talk to your lot. Those are our guiding principles,” explained Ben.

“Sounds good,” smiled Richard. “So, I’ll be going. Again, thank you.” Callum got up to show Richard out and Ben and Ollie looked at each other.

“If only life were that clear cut,” said Ollie.

“Yeah,” agreed Ben.

+++

Sitting on the train, Meg thought about the run of events. She would never have wished for Tilly’s death but, if Charlie, Frankie and Marcus decided to leave, it would give her a good opportunity to bow out. She had been wondering how to do this so Tilly’s death was useful.

Arriving at the prison, she shuddered. The place made her feel extremely uneasy. It was as though nobody was who they seemed to be or said what they meant to say. It would be impossible for her if she was ever caught and sent down so she resolved to make herself a lot more invisible. She would be expected to keep in touch with Callum and Ben and, the truth was, she was pleased about that. Perhaps, she could be more of a remote friend like Charlie although the thought made her feel a little sad. It had been good for her to be around people, to have friends.

Making her way to the visitors’ room, she felt despairing. She had done a really good job and she was sure Jackie would be pleased but she was betraying Callum and Ben and she hated that.

“Hello Megan,” said Jackie. Megan was once more fascinated by how much Callum looked like his mum but how they were so different. She remembered her conversation with Callum: _“We will always, always want to keep you safe and happy”_ he’d said. Jackie was the opposite. If Megan didn’t do what Jackie said, she was dead.

“Jackie.”

“So, where are we up to?” Jackie inspected the young woman sitting across from her and was pleased with her choice. She’d known Callum and Ben would take Megan under their collective wing. They might be able to handle themselves but they were soft-hearted. It was their defining flaw.

“The missing girl we were looking for - her dad killed her.” Megan gulped at her own blunt words. “Everybody’s upset and they’re going to leave MHI.”

“Perfect!” exclaimed Jackie heartlessly. “That’ll cover you pullin’ away a bit. So, Sam Turner – did you manage to keep up the pretence about not knowing her new name?” Megan nodded and Jackie continued. “She arrested yet?”

“Not yet. Callum said it would be soon.” She found people generally confusing and found it hard to read facial expressions, but the fierce look that came over Jackie’s face was unmistakable. For not the first time, she thought it might be easier to be allied to the son not the mother and wondered if there was perhaps a way.

“What do the police want …” Jackie ranted under her breath, careful not to alert the guards to her displeasure. “… it ‘andin’ to ‘em on a fuckin’ silver platter?” Her grand plan of using MHI and their very convenient police connections to remove Sam Turner from the lucrative world of money laundering could not fail at this stage. She had utmost confidence in her brilliant son and his equally capable sidekick to deliver Sam to the police. “Right then,” she said to Meg. “Let’s be patient. But when it does happen, are we ready?”

“Yes,” affirmed Meg, on surer ground now. “The systems are built. No more captains and generals and all that nonsense. We’re going one hundred percent online using socials. And with what I’ve learned from MHI, I’ve got everybody bugged: the Jusufis, the Craven syndicate who do weapons and Patrick Kingston; his drugs network is vast. There won’t be anything that’ll get past you.”

Jackie looked delighted.

“Well, my girl, you ‘ave done well. Anythin’ else I need to know about my boys? We keepin’ ‘em safe?”

“They had some trouble with a man, Noah Belasis, sounds like he was stalking Callum,” Meg told her. “I don’t know all of it but Noah was staying with them and something happened. He’s been arrested AND they’ve applied for a restraining order against him. He’s accused Ben of assaulting him; Ben broke his cheek bone and ripped out a handful of hair, a big handful apparently.”

Jackie puffed up with pride at her son-in-law scrapping for her boy. She loved Ben.

“Sounds like they’ve got it in hand,” she pronounced. “But I’ll get somebody on it.”

Meg didn’t understand it. Jackie was fiercely devoted to Callum and Ben; she would kill anybody who dared to threaten them. Her pride in them shone like a beacon. So why, Meg wondered, did Jackie use them for her own ends, ends that they would definitely want nothing to do with? Ends that Meg wanted nothing to do with but she had no choice.

+++

Having given Callum and Ben a stern lecture about keeping clear of criminals, Ollie left as Callum and Ben headed off to pick up Roman and Tyler. They were increasingly worried about Roman who was still hardly talking and Tyler who had wet the bed for the past three nights. They were also concerned for Lexi who was going to Stuart’s and Whitney’s after school as they had decided they wanted to tell her about the miscarriage themselves.

“Do you fancy Macdonalds?” offered Callum as they were leaving school. He was cooking for the MHI team later, Lexi was eating with Stuart and Whitney so this was an idea born out of convenience but he thought the boys might appreciate the treat. Roman and Tyler looked very uncertain and Callum and Ben exchanged confused glances. Did they have children who, as well as never misbehaving, didn’t like junk food?

“Come on, speak up,” ordered Ben light-heartedly. “What’s wrong with Macdonalds?”

“We just want to go home. Can we have fishfingers?” Tyler looked tired and weepy. Roman looked much the same.

“Yeah, course,” soothed Callum. “You can have whatever you want.”

When they reached home, the boys went upstairs to change and Callum and Ben went through to the kitchen.

“We HAVE to get to the bottom of this,” said Ben. Callum agreed. Fishfingers and beans wasn’t a culinary challenge and by the time Roman and Tyler reappeared it was on the table. Callum and Ben got themselves a cup of tea and sat down with them. Nobody said a word while the boys were eating.

“Okay,” said Callum when they had finished. “Something is wrong and you need to tell Dad and me what it is. And we’re doing it now.” They looked at each other, then at Ben.

“Marek said you’ve been to prison,” whispered Tyler. Ben froze, the colour drained from his face and he looked in panic at Callum who reached out and grasped his hand. The boys looked from Ben to Callum trying to work out what was happening.

“God, I … I’m sorry, so sorry … god, sorry …” Ben stammered. He took a deep breath looking all the time at Callum, drawing strength from where he had got to, then looking back at the boys. “I’m sorry, boys, that you didn’t hear that from me. But it is true. I’m even sorrier about that.”

“He said our nan and our grandad are in prison.” Roman so rarely spoke, Callum and Ben were startled to hear him.

“Also true,” said Callum. “It’s Dad’s dad and my mum. They … did some bad things.”

“Did YOU do bad things, Daddy?” asked Tyler. The look of complete disbelief on his son’s face was enough to break Ben. He fell forward, dropping his head on his hands.

“I did,” he mumbled through his arms. Callum rubbed his back supportively all the time watching the boys and wondering how they were processing this news. Ben and he had been thinking that it was the argument with Lexi that had upset the boys but Callum could see now that it had been a coincidence of timing. He remembered at the games party Ben reminding the older children that Phil and Jackie were in prison. He didn’t blame him - Ben and he were not ashamed. But Eddie and Danielle had obviously gone home after the games party and discussed Ben and Callum, maybe not with Marek, but their son had heard somehow and had taken that into school the next day which was when the boys’ distress started to become evident.

“Okay everybody, I want you to come to the room off the kitchen.” He led the way and, when there, got a large sheet of paper out of the cupboard and laid it on the small table and started drawing their family tree.

“Do you remember grandad Jonno?” he asked. The boys nodded. “What do you remember?”

“Chips,” said Tyler. “He liked chips. And football. He liked to play football with us.”

“He was poorly,” added Roman. “A lot.” Callum wondered if they thought drunkenness was an illness.

“Well, you have another grandad, grandad Phil. He likes chips and football as well.” He reached in the drawer and pulled out a photo tile. It was of Phil and Lexi dancing together and laughing at her eleventh birthday party. Ben’s eyes widened in surprise. He hadn’t known that Callum had made this tile. “This is grandad Phil.” Roman and Tyler were intrigued and clearly surprised. The man in the photo looked nice and Lexi looked like she liked him. “Nobody is all bad, boys. Grandad Phil deserves to be in prison for what he did but he is trying really hard to be a good person now. When he comes out of prison, you’ll be sixteen but we hope you’ll give him a second chance.” Callum carefully pulled off the adhesive strips on the back of the tile and stuck it on the wall.

Ben listened and watched in awe of Callum.

“Now your mum was my sister. Do you remember her?” The boys shook their heads. “I’m really sorry. I’ve asked Uncle Stu but we don’t have any photos of your mum or grandad Jonno but they are here on our family tree and they’ll always be here. And I don’t have a photo of your nan, my mum. She has done some very bad things and will probably have to stay in prison for the rest of her life. It’s different to grandad Phil because she is not sorry for what she did. But she’ll also always be on our family tree. We’re not ashamed of our family, boys. All the bad things help us know how to be good.”

Roman and Tyler went to the wall to look again at the photo of Phil and then came back to the table to look at their family tree.

“This is your family, boys,” continued Callum. “And yes, you have relatives in prison and, yes, your dad has been to prison. And another thing, I have been arrested twice for hurting people.” Roman and Tyler looked at him in surprise and he stroked both of their cheeks, smiling sadly. “Dad and me have both got a criminal record, which is what you get when you’re arrested, and we both come from criminal families, but it is not who we are. It is NOT who we are. We are good people. All these other people on your family tree are good people. You are in a warm, loving family full of good people.”

Roman and Tyler were hanging on his every word. Ben was overcome with emotion and was softly crying.

“When you make mistakes, big mistakes, you can’t unmake them. All you can do is be a better person. And Daddy is the best person I know. Every day, he is sorry for hurting people a long time ago but he puts his best step forward and he’s amazing.”

Ben couldn’t help a loud sob bursting out. Callum immediately got up and sat on the arm of his chair as Ben leant into him crying openly now. Roman climbed on his lap and Tyler climbed on the other arm of the chair and they both put their arms around Ben making him cry even harder. Now he was seriously worried about being charged for his attack on Noah. How was that putting his best step forward?

+++

The MHI dinner was a subdued affair. Ben was clearly upset and preoccupied and said absolutely nothing. Callum spent the whole mealtime repeatedly glancing at Ben, obviously worried. Frankie and Marcus talked about a new artist who had joined their Arts Centre and a planned exhibition for them. It was a good topic and they were all interested but the underlying sombre atmosphere persisted. Meg couldn’t read the mood and concentrated on not missing the moment when everybody resigned.

Charlie joined them remotely when they had finished eating. He appeared on the screen after his customary sonar pulse sounded but he was looking down, seemingly busy with something else. Callum greeted him but Ben didn’t. Charlie looked up at that and saw Ben’s pale, despondent face and his heart broke a little.

They’d all seen the press conference but Ben updated them anyway on DI Linsell’s visit.

“We’re all feeling responsible for Tilly’s death,” said Callum, banishing the elephant in the room. “We’re not. Paul Driver is.” He looked around at the unconvinced faces. “But we don’t want to find ourselves in this position again. Do we decide to not take on missing children?”

Nobody said anything.

“We could have tighter interview protocols,” he persisted. “Timescales on data recovery from our devices. Any thoughts?”

Marcus cleared his throat and placed his hands flat on the table. Callum turned to him, thankful it was Marcus with his calm common sense who was to speak but not expecting at all what was to come.

“Frankie and I have loved working for MHI but we’re going to concentrate our efforts on the Arts Centre going forward. You’re our friends and we love you both and we love your kids. We know we’ll carry on sharing our lives. We want that.”

Callum was floored. Frankie and he had been together since their very first case. He could not imagine working without her. And he needed Marcus; Marcus was an essential balancing personality often providing an alternative perspective that enhanced them as a team.

“You’re my best friend,” Frankie said to Ben holding his hand. She could see that he was in pain and wondered what had happened. He smiled and squeezed her hand.

“You’re mine,” he said. “I can’t imagine not working with you but … you do what you have to.”

“It’s not just Marcus and me,” said Frankie, turning to Charlie. Ben followed her gaze.

“Oh Charlie,” he said, genuinely devastated. “I’m sorry.”

“I don’t want to do this any more,” said Charlie. He never cried but he thought this might be a time as his eyes were stinging. Callum and Ben were both nodding, understanding that Charlie had not been able to process the fact that he was connected with a death. They would support him whatever he wanted to do but it was not easy to lose him.

“Can I call you?” asked Ben, his face young and vulnerable, appealing to this man who he considered to be a friend. “Just to talk shit.”

“I don’t talk … shit,” said Charlie. He saw Ben’s face fall and knew he didn’t want to make him sad. “But we can talk at nine on Monday mornings for half an hour. Not about MHI.” Ben immediately brightened and Charlie smiled. “I’m going.” And he was gone. Safe at home, he let the tears fall.

Ben and Callum turned to Meg.

“You’re going as well, aren’t you?” guessed Callum. There were plenty of clues from her body language. She was usually very still but she hadn’t stopped fidgeting since she arrived. Her eyes had been flicking around even more than usual and she hadn’t eaten anything.

“Thank you for giving me a job,” she said. “But I don’t want to do it any more.” It was what Charlie had said and they had accepted it from him but she could tell Callum and Ben were waiting for more from her. The desire to tell them everything was undoing her and she concentrated hard to keep her secrets.

“Oh, okay,” said Callum picking up that she didn’t want to give an explanation. “Right.” He didn’t know what to say. Meg rarely went out with them because her noise sensitivity made pubs and clubs difficult for her. Also, he now realised, Ben hadn’t befriended her which was unusual; as soon as people came into his inner circle, Ben’s friendship and loyalty were a given. But it didn’t seem right just to let her go. He had connected with her and he wanted to make sure she was alright. “Are you going to be okay? What will you do?” he asked.

“Can I stay in touch? Like Charlie?” she asked, her face betraying her hopefulness.

“However you want Meg. We’re here for you … always.” Callum got up and pulled her to standing to give her a hug. “Please don’t disappear,” he whispered in her ear.

Within five minutes, Frankie, Marcus and Meg had gone.

“Did our entire workforce just resign?” asked Ben. This day ranked highly in his memory of worst days ever.

“They did,” answered Callum. “It’s … not … it’s …” The loss of his staff was a failure as far as he was concerned. He hadn’t kept them safe. This business was not a game. It was serious, sometimes life and death and he should have done better. The whole day had just been too much and he burst into tears.

“Oh god, Callum.” Ben was by his side, holding him. “We’ll be okay. You and me, we’re amazing together. Remember when we pretended to be boyfriends for our cover – who were we kidding? -… we were good at investigating together.”

“It’s not that. I let them down. I took on that case knowing we didn’t have the experience, took it anyway ‘cause I wanted us to FIND her, we’d be the heroes. I didn’t think it through.”

“We,” corrected Ben. “You don’t run this outfit by yourself.” Callum looked at him through his tears. It was the best feeling to not be alone.

“We’re having a difficult day, a difficult week,” remarked Callum. “How are you feeling?”

“Sad,” answered Ben, “and tired and worried. You?”

“Yeah, same,” replied Callum. “So, everything has come to an end, why don’t we close down until the end of half term? Louise arrives tomorrow, we have the wedding and the boys’ birthday at the weekend. Then instead of going away for the weekend the following Friday, let’s go for a week. Then it’s half term week and we can get back to work after that.”

“Three and a half weeks off? It’ll be the end of our healthy bank account,” said Ben, not caring at all about money. The thought of a substantial break was a light at the end of their tunnel.

“We need it,” replied Callum.


	11. Beginnings

**THURSDAY 28.1**

This time Callum and Ben had asked for the meeting with Ms Johnson. They’d said it was urgent and important and she had made time for them immediately. Sitting across from her, Ben was overcome with appreciation for her support for him with Lexi and now him and Callum with Roman and Tyler.

“I don’t think I’ve ever said thank you properly for how supportive you are,” he said, leaning forward and fixing on her with sincere eyes. Ms Johnson sat up a little straighter, boosted by the affirmation.

“It’s always nice to be appreciated,” she smiled. “But you make it easy. You both love your children and make their needs a priority and you work with us. So, how can I help?”

“We might have a problem,” said Ben, reaching for Callum’s hand, needing its steadying influence. The thought of Roman and Tyler knowing about his time in prison was weighing heavily on him and he sorely wished he wasn’t in the position of having to have this conversation. “We are good friends with the Kulogowskis and they know about Callum and me and our backgrounds. Our criminal records. Anyway, somehow, Marek found out that I have been to prison and that my dad and Callum’s mum are in prison and he told Roman and Tyler. Trouble is, we hadn’t told them yet.” Feeling incoming tears, he took a breath, hoping to keep them at bay.

“We’re worried that, now, their classmates will find out,” said Callum, sensing Ben’s distress and picking up the baton. “Have you ever come across a situation like this? We know it was hard for Lexi at the high school, she lost lots of friends, but we think,” he glanced at Ben, “it might be different with younger children. Harder.”

“Right,” said Ms Johnson, thinking hard. She had plenty of experience of children with family members in prison but every story was different. Some families kept children completely in the dark, some took their children on prison visits and some, like the Mitchell-Highways she suspected, went for something in between. “How did Tyler and Roman react when you talked to them?”

“We were honest with them,” explained Callum. “But minimally. It’s a technique Steve Peacock gave us. Minimal truth and then answer any questions honestly. It works well because they know they can ask whatever they like so they find out as much as they want or need to know but we don’t end up giving them details that are too much for them.” Ms Johnson knew Steve Peacock well in a professional capacity and had a lot of respect for him; she was aware that he was close to the Mitchell-Highways and considered that they were fortunate to have this expert help.

“We told them about my dad, explained he was sorry for his crimes and would probably be out by the time they’re sixteen, and told them about Callum’s mum, explained she wasn’t sorry and would probably be inside for the rest of her life,” gulped Ben, hating that he had to talk about this. “We told them about me and how I am sorry every day.”

“So how did Tyler and Roman react to that information?” she asked.

“Shocked. Upset. It’s a conversation we’ll need to have a few more times before we can know how they feel,” replied Callum. “How can they possibly understand what it means?”

“We want them to accept that somebody they think of as good might once have done something bad but can still be good now,” clarified Ben. “It’s a complicated idea.” Ms Johnson watched him speak and saw a young man carrying a heavy burden. “None of our children know I have a … … m-m-manslaughter conviction,” he stammered. “It fills me with dread that one day they’ll know. But, yesterday, when we spoke to the boys, I was filled with shame and guilt that I wasn’t who they thought I was.”

“How did they react to that?” Ms Johnson was listening carefully, her face full of concern and care. She had first met Ben when he was only twenty and over the years had seen him give everything he had to being a great parent; she felt as committed to his well-being as she did to his children’s and it saddened her to see him struggling so much.

“I was upset and they wanted to comfort me,” revealed Ben remorsefully. “I know it should have been about them and their feelings.”

“No Mr Mitchell-Highway, Ben, in this situation, you are important. Being kind to yourself is a powerful thing to model to your children.” Ms Johnson firmly believed that values and principles start with the self, and that parents who weren’t kind to themselves were less likely to be kind to their children.

“Well, Callum was kind to me and I accepted it. I guess that’s a start,” acknowledged Ben as Callum squeezed his hand. “How do you think it’s going to go here at school for Roman and Tyler? We really want to know what we might be dealing with.”

“Well, my guess is that it isn’t yet common knowledge so we could at least try to keep it quiet. My experience is that this will be possible so I will speak to the Kulogowskis.” She saw Callum and Ben look slightly panicked and wanted to reassure them. “I will be sensitive, please trust me.” Unfortunately, she knew that she also had to be honest. “If it becomes common knowledge, then, I’m sorry, many of our families will give your family a wide berth. I’m sorry to be so blunt …”

“No, we prefer it,” assured Callum.

“I’ll keep you informed then,” she assured them.

+++

Only half an hour after Ben, Callum and the boys got home after school, Eddie, Danielle and Marek were on the doorstep. Eddie and Danielle were mortified.

“We weren’t careful when we were talking about it and Marek overheard us,” Danielle said after the boys had gone upstairs.

“Why were you discussing Ben’s time inside?” asked Callum, more annoyed with them than Ben was. Danielle flinched and darted an anxious glance at Ben, catching him watching her carefully. Callum might be angrier but that didn’t mean Ben wasn’t invested in her reply.

“You were so casual talking to the kids saying about your parents being in prison,” she said, facing Ben directly. “We wondered if having been to prison yourself makes you more blasé about it.”

“I am NOT casual about it, and certainly not blasé,” objected Ben, his frustration rising. “I am ashamed and sorry every day of my life. But I can’t change it. So I can do my best to lead a good and happy life or I can let it destroy me. Would you feel happier if I let it destroy me? Would that be a more appropriate response?”

“Come on Ben,” said Eddie sharply. “There’s no need to be like that.”

“Yes there is,” snapped Callum. “You have put our family in a position where we may all be expected to hang our heads and be ashamed of who we are. People will shun us. Kids won’t want to be friends with our kids. We are good people and you know this. Do you think we deserve that?”

“We came to apologise,” sniffed Danielle. “We want to help put it right if we can. Marek says he only told Roman and Tyler so surely we can manage it. Oh god, I’m sorry, I’m sure they were upset.”

“Of course they were upset.” Callum was furious and disappointed with their friends. They had carelessly created a big problem for his family, Ben was broken and he was determined that Eddie and Danielle should know it.

“Listen, both of you,” said Eddie, understanding that he needed to start building bridges. “We’ve said we’re sorry. And we genuinely are. We have brought Marek round here so that we can all talk to him and your boys, so that this knowledge stays between us. You can be pissed off with us if you like but surely you want this to be kept between us. If you don’t want to be friends with us afterwards then fine but Dan and I will be sad if that happens.”

“We do want to keep it between us,” said Ben, daring to hope, “and we do want to stay friends.” It was a tense truce but it was a way forward.

They brought the boys downstairs and sat them on the big sofa, Ben sitting across from them perched on the coffee table. He wanted to be the one talking about his own history.

“Okay boys,” he began, recognising that all three of them looked petrified so adopting a friendly tone. “I need to talk to you about when I was in prison.” Their eyes widened at his words and he had to summon up courage to continue. “I was sixteen and I did a terrible thing. I went to prison for two years. Every single day of my life, I am sorry for what I did and I try to be good and strong. People like your mum and dad, Marek, judge me for what I am like now, as a good person, but other people don’t care that I try to be good. They think I must be bad because I went to prison a long time ago. They won’t let their children be friends with my children because they think I’m bad and they want to keep their children away from me. So I don’t tell people about it unless I’m close to them and can trust them. That way people are nice to me and they’re nice to my family.”

“Do you understand what Ben is saying, Marek?” asked Eddie.

“He’s saying we have to keep it secret,” responded Marek, his face hopeful that he had given the right answer.

“No.” Roman speaking was a rare enough event so to hear his voice sound strong and determined caught everyone’s attention. He glared angrily at everybody in the room. “He’s saying that we HAVE to keep it secret but only because people won’t give him a chance. My dad’s amazing! I HATE people who don’t think he is.” Tyler was nodding vigorously as Roman was speaking and, as he stopped, they both got up and hugged Ben tight, completely finishing him off. Callum watched him trying desperately to control his tears but couldn’t help feeling pride at the scene.

+++

It was after ten when Louise and Peggy arrived, exhausted from their trip. Louise had hired a van and driven all the way herself, leaving Portugal the previous Monday. Three nights in three hotels and fifteen hundred miles now seemed like an absolutely absurd idea and she was ready to collapse. Peggy had cried since Dover, sorely testing her nerves, but had fallen asleep just as they arrived, presenting herself as a beautiful, snoozing cherub to her uncles.

“I need to sleep for a week,” Louise groused as she staggered up the stairs. “And instead we’ve got a full weekend, one thing after another.” Moaning about exciting family events was obviously a family trait, thought Callum following her. “Oh my god, this room is amazing,” she gushed, eyeing up the huge bed. As Callum arrived in the spare room carrying the sleeping Peggy, Louise was lying on the bed. He lay Peggy on the other side of the bed and pulled the cover over her, dropping a light kiss on her head. Looking up, he saw Louise had also dropped off so, moving round to her side, pulled the cover over her and placed a soft kiss on her head as well.

“Aw that’s lovely,” said Ben, watching from the doorway. “Can I have one too?”

“You can,” smiled Callum, coming over and kissing his forehead. “Don’t you think she’s impressive, driving a van all that way by herself with a three year old?” He looked back fondly at Louise.

“No, I think she’s fuckin’ barkin’.” Ben settled his hands on Callum’s hips. “Can we go to bed please? She’s not the only one who’s had a tough week and is exhausted.” Callum looked down at Ben and could see his weariness. He kissed his forehead again and then his eyelids and wrapped him in his long, comforting arms. He felt Ben move in, getting as close to Callum as he could, his own arms circling Callum, his head pressed tightly against Callum’s shoulder. They were so tight, so together, it was everything.

**FRIDAY 29.1**

Discovering that they had to leave for school before Louise and Peggy were awake, Lexi, Roman and Tyler were a little disgruntled.

“They’re staying here for a month,” reasoned Ben. “until their house is ready. So I think you can give them a day to have a lie in. You’ll see them after school.”

Peggy woke soon after Ben had returned from dropping the boys but only had eyes for her adored Uncle Callum; Ben resolved to worm his way into her affections during her stay. Louise didn’t wake until lunchtime by which time Ben had already taken her van down to the storage unit and, with Johnny’s help, unloaded her furniture, returned the van to the hire company and brought all of her luggage up to the spare room. He brought up two cups of tea and sat down with her in the little velvet chairs.

“This room is beautiful, Ben,” complimented Louise. “Callum has great taste,” she teased, opening her mouth and widening her eyes in outrage to mimic Ben. “Do you still read a lot?” She pointed at the shelved alcove crammed with books. He nodded.

“Yeah, I love reading,” he said simply.

“You look tired Ben. Is everything alright? You and Callum okay? You seemed a bit off at Christmas.” Louise could see that Ben was not alright.

“Me and Callum, we’re really good. You’re right about Christmas, we had some stuff to work through, but me and Callum, we’re great at resolving things so we’re tight. But we’ve had a really tough month since then.” He told her about Noah and the argument with Lexi, the drugging of Robbie and how he still wasn’t well and how worrying that was, about Tilly Driver’s death and all of the MHI team resigning, and about Roman and Tyler finding out about his time in prison. “I’m feeling really low, Lou. But Callum is my light. I love him.” He reached for her hand. “We’re taking some time off. We start work again three weeks on Monday, so it’s a proper break. We need it. D’ya remember I said we were having a weekend away, next weekend?” Louise nodded. “Well, we’re going for a week. Is that okay? Mum’s going to help with the children, whatever you want her to do.”

Louise squeezed his hand reassuringly.

“What you’ve just told me, it’s no wonder you’re feelin’ down. And a holiday with Callum is just what you need. I’m happy to look after the children … mind, I will probably take your mum up on her offer of help. But the north of England in February? Are you sure?”

“The weather gods might be kind. The current forecast is sunny.” He laughed at her doubtful face. “Okay, the temperature isn’t going to get above five degrees but me and Callum look well cute in woolly hats and scarves.”

“Oh well, as long as you look cute …” she laughed.

**SATURDAY 30.1**

“Wow, babe, that is a SUIT!” Ben was getting ready but Callum was already dressed and was feeling good in his new suit. Dark blue, single button, with a crisp white shirt – it was a great look on him. Ben had gone for a similar style but his was a rich blue, also to be worn with a brilliant white shirt. No ties – Stuart had been insistent about that – so Callum and Ben agreed that the shirts had to be top notch. Callum also had a new winter coat; Ben had a wardrobe full of them already so just had to choose one.

When Ben was ready, they stood together in front of the mirrored wardrobe door.

“We are lookin’ HOT babe,” bragged Ben. Callum laughed, noticing the door opening as Tyler and Roman came in, strutting in their new suits. They were both tall for their age and were only five centimetres shorter than Lexi despite her being three and a half years older. Their suits were navy, Tyler’s shirt was a bright sky blue and Roman’s was a pastel blue. They stood alongside their dads.

“Well Whitney won’t be able to say we didn’t follow her instruction to wear blue,” commented Callum, thinking that the four of them all looked very dapper. “Lex,” he shouted. “Are you ready? Come in here.”

She appeared almost immediately, dancing through the door. Her dress had been made by Whitney and was a work of art, fully beaded in a sparkling shimmer of ocean colours, it draped perfectly and swang with every step. There was a soft furry coat in a pastel blue which Lexi loved but didn’t intend to wear unless she was frozen because it covered up her gorgeous dress. She pirouetted in front of them to fully demonstrate the movement of the dress and came to a graceful stop.

“Look at us,” admired Ben. “We scrub up well.”

+++

At the registry office, Stuart and Whitney were waiting. They intended to walk in together, preceded by Lexi, whose job was to scatter flowers, and Tiffany, wearing a longer, tighter version of Lexi’s dress, there to keep Lexi, Roman and Tyler organised. Roman and Tyler were to follow them; their job was to keep Whitney’s train off the floor. Stuart’s suit was in yet another shade of deep blue and Whitney’s dress was a classic design in white satin, fitted and tight, with a long train in a glistening sheer fabric edged in twinkling beads.

“You can see that she’s a fashion designer,” commented Ruby to Richard. “It is all so stunning, so beautiful. The photographs’ll be gorgeous, especially Frankie’s.” Part of Richard had expected Callum and Ben to look odd with their children – he couldn’t match their ages with the ages of their children – but as they arrived he could see what a close unit they were. Unexpectedly he felt a pang of something. Envy? Broodiness? He was still curious about why Ruby hadn’t mentioned that Callum and Ben were married and had children. Maybe he would get a chance to mention it today.

Frankie had arranged for a photographer friend to take most of the photographs but she wanted to get some of her own, especially for Callum and Ben to add to their wall of photo tiles, and was confident that this dazzling wedding was going to yield some fabulous pictures.

“Everybody wants to take photographs of us,” complained Roman under his breath, smiling compliantly for yet another picture.

“It’s ‘cause we’re ‘ _so handsome_ ’,” giggled Tyler, mimicking every guest there, and dutifully smiling in his turn.

After the ceremony, they moved on to The Prince Albert which Kathy had closed for the day to accommodate Stuart’s and Whitney’s wedding. Frankie and Marcus had drafted in several of the resident artists from their Arts Centre to decorate and the place looked magical. Drapes and ribbons in a shimmering, pale blue covered the walls and the ceiling with garlands of glass beads and starry lights criss-crossing the space where flower arrangements with headily scented tiny white flowers amidst shiny, deep green leaves were dotted around. When Stuart and Whitney walked in, it was more than they had anticipated and their faces lit up with pleasure.

Late in the evening, too many little bowls of food and too many glasses of champagne consumed, Callum found himself sitting with Richard watching Ben dance with Ruby.

“Why do you think she didn’t tell you that me and Ben were married with children?” asked Callum, surprising Richard with the question.

“Ben and her are the same age. Maybe she doesn’t like to think she’s old enough for … domestic drudgery,” he suggested, not wanting to divulge the conversation he had just had with Ruby when she had been very clear that she would never have children, never marry, never live with a lover. Her certainty had crystallised for him that, contrary to how he had thought he felt, he did want all of those things.

“Domestic drudgery?” laughed Callum. “It’s not that! You’ve met him. Ben’s excitin’ to be with!” He looked at Richard curiously. “Do you want to settle down? With Ruby?”

“It’s not on the menu, mate,” said Richard sadly, deciding on honesty. He wasn’t even sure what he was doing there considering he had just ended things with Ruby. Suddenly looking over Callum’s shoulder, he stuck on a smile and Callum turned to see Louise approach them.

“Louise, this is Richard, Ruby’s boyfriend. Richard, Louise, Ben’s sister,” he said making introductions.

“Hi Richard,” she smiled thinly, clearly distracted by something else. “I’m going to head off,” she said to Callum. “Peggy’s had it and will start being an evil little moo any minute now.”

“Oh, I don’t think so,” laughed Callum, pointing to the three year old curled up under one of the tables fast asleep. “Let me help you get her home.”

“Oh no Callum. I can’t do that. This is your brother’s wedding party,” refused Louise. “I’m happy to get a cab.”

“I was just leaving,” said Richard. “I can help you carry your little girl to the cab.”

Callum watched them go and looked around for his own children, wondering how tired they might be. Lexi was in her element, twirling and swaying on the dance floor, and the boys were chatting with Kathy and Mike and didn’t look in the least bit tired. From nowhere, Ben appeared by his side and pulled him up.

“Come and dance with me,” he entreated, flashing sexy eyes at Callum. Callum didn’t need any encouragement.

**SUNDAY 31.1**

When Callum and Ben woke, it was still dark outside and much too early to get up. The house slept peacefully around them.

“You alright?” whispered Callum. Ben snuggled up closer to him.

“Couldn’t be better babe,” he replied optimistically. “Wasn’t it perfect, yesterday? It was probably my favourite wedding … apart from ours of course … and maybe my mum’s.”

“You been to lots of weddings?” Callum had been to precisely three, those that Ben had just mentioned.

“Hmm, actually no. Just those three,” answered Ben, “plus Dad and Sharon. I was best man at that one.” He fell silent for a moment then added, “It was just after I came out of prison.” He pulled away slightly to look at Callum. “Let’s forget that for a while. Yesterday was a wonderful day. Did you see Lexi dancin’ in that dress with her hair down?” Lexi almost always wore her hair tied up, but she’d had her mass of blonde curls down for the wedding. “She’s so beautiful.”

“Yeah, she is,” agreed Callum. “She looked more grown up than usual with her make-up on and heels on her shoes. Not much sign of a little girl.”

“To be honest, babe,” said Ben, “I felt things change with her when she was nine. It was like my little girl had gone and I knew that was it, she was never coming back. I think I went through a kind of grieving process. I was really sad my little Lex had gone. Now I can feel it changing with Roman and Tyler. They’re growing up and although they’re still young, they’re not little little. D’ya feel it?” Callum knew exactly what he was talking about including the sense of loss.

“Yeah,” he confirmed. Feeling Ben’s eyes searching him, he dropped his head to look at him properly. “What?” he asked, seeing Ben’s questioning look.

“How does it make you feel? Do you feel like you’ve missed out on little children?” Ben was worried about this but he didn’t need to be.

“I’m gonna enjoy Peggy and any other babies that come along,” said Callum, “but I think our three are going to keep us busy. I’m excited about them growing up, about what’s next.”

Ben reached up and touched soft lips against Callum’s, pressing his body in even closer. A delicious tingle skittered over his skin as Callum’s firm hands grasped his hips and pulled him in, their mouths finding more purchase. He held Callum’s head, deepening the kiss, feeling stirrings below but just wanting to carry on kissing and being moulded into Callum’s body. They carried on and all Ben could think about was kissing, how utterly exquisite this simple pleasure was and how he never wanted it to stop. He felt so safe, so loved with Callum.

Callum adored kissing Ben, the generosity with which Ben gave himself, as though there was nothing else in the world but the feeling of their lips pressed together, tongues exploring, gentle hands caressing, bodies tightly held together, a perfect warmth flooding his body. He let his mind stop thinking, freewheeling through the precious pleasure of kissing Ben, holding him close and feeling his shape. He had total certainty that Ben loved him with all his being.

Eventually they pulled apart, foreheads resting together.

“Fuckin’ love you,” declared Ben.

“Fuckin’ love you back,” smiled Callum.

+++

Once everybody was up, the birthday celebrations started. Kathy, Mike and Sharon turned up for breakfast as they all wanted to see Roman’s and Tyler’s reactions when they opened their cards and presents. There were art materials for Roman and a guitar for Tyler, books and frippery for each boy. Their genuine appreciation and gratitude made Ben and Callum proud that these boys with their beautiful manners were their sons.

Ben had worked with Charlie to make the scavenger hunt app and Roman’s and Tyler’s entire class were taking part. It involved a trail of the local area, following clues, collecting photographs and solving riddles. Ben had been worried that parents might see it as an imposition to have to do the hunt with their children but the full house of accepted invitations said otherwise. They had booked Leonardo’s for pizzas afterwards where they were planning to award the prizes for the hunt.

“What a great idea,” complimented Louise. “You don’t have to manage loads of kids because their parents are with them and you don’t have to cook or clear away. Brilliant! And you built the app for free so it’s just pizzas to pay for and because they’re twins you get to do one party instead of two. Genius!”

The scavenger hunt was a great success with everybody getting into the spirit of it and, Louise was right, it was very easy to eat out afterwards.

Back at the house, they all wearily surveyed the mountain of presents and cards the boys had received.

“We should have done like Nancy,” said Ben, referring to another child in Roman’s and Tyler’s class. “She didn’t have presents but collected money for a charity, WaterAid if I remember right. Okay, you got paper and pens? You need to make a list for your thank you cards.”

Bit by bit the mountain diminished and the thank you list grew.

**MONDAY 1.2**

It was strange to not go into the office but Callum and Ben had things to do. First, they were going to go to Louise’s new house which she was due to complete on that day. Her late godmother had gifted her the villa in Portugal so she had the proceeds from that plus a substantial amount from Sharon (“Phil wants me to give it to you”) and had been able to buy the small house outright. It was three doors down from Kathy’s, had been lived in by one owner for the past fifty-five years and looked like it. Kathy knew him well, visiting regularly for a cup of tea, so when Arnold said he was moving to a care home, she told him about Louise’s search for a house and the deal was done without the house ever reaching the market.

“Oh my god, it really does need some help.” This was Louise’s first visit to the house. It was a mess and it stank. She had trusted Callum and Ben when they urged her to seize the opportunity to buy it and now she was wondering what she had done. It had all happened very quickly and she had been swept along in the process with Callum sorting out most of the details for her.

“Be positive, Lou. It’s gonna be lovely,” reassured Ben, although even he was struggling to see it. “New kitchen, bathroom, new flooring throughout and a good lick of paint – at least it doesn’t need a new roof.”

“It does need heating, Ben. Can you feel how cold it is in here?” shivered Louise, leaning down to wrap Peggy’s scarf tighter round her neck.

“Underfloor heating throughout the ground floor, radiators upstairs, Paul’s on it,” said Callum briskly refusing to be swayed by Louise’s horror. “The renovation’s starting tomorrow.”

Paul was an old client for whom Callum had successfully located his long lost mum. He owned a large building company and, liking Callum enormously and wanting to give something back for the precious gift of his mum, had been happy to put a team on Louise’s house straightaway, especially as he was also getting the job of Callum’s and Ben’s new kitchen.

“I can’t see it being done in a month,” said Louise, still struggling to feel excited.

“No, well, you might be right there,” admitted Callum, sliding an arm around her shoulders. “But you can stay with us until it’s ready so …” Louise put her arm around his waist and looked up at him.

“It’s such a shame you’re gay, Callum. You and me would be perfect together,” she laughed, throwing a cheeky, belligerent glance at Ben.

+++

Their next stop was lunch with Ollie who, apparently, had a surprise.

“You bought a car,” said Ben, admiring the smart hybrid they were being ushered into.

“Yes,” affirmed Ollie, “to go in my new parking spot.”

“You’re moving out of your flat? Where to?” Callum asked. He and Ben were intrigued as Ollie started the car, thinking that he must be moving out of the area. However, he drove less than five minutes from their house and slowed down outside a smart Victorian house that had been converted into flats each having a parking spot, one of which Ollie pulled into.

“Noah’s flat,” exclaimed Ben. “You’re moving into Noah’s flat?”

“Try not to call it that,” said Ollie a little sniffily. “It was a golden opportunity. I knew he’d let it go so I had a chance to get in quickly before somebody else took it. I’m actually in the process of negotiating with the landlord to buy it.”

“You don’t need to explain. It’s a fantastic flat,” enthused Ben, hopping about as he waited for Ollie to let them in. “It’s a great flat,” he said aside to Callum who’d never been there.

Walking in, Ben was taken aback by how much difference cleaning made. The flat, which had seemed spacious before, was even more light and airy, painted throughout in a pale dove grey with gleaming white woodwork. The windows seemed even larger without the layer of dust and grime that they’d had before although Ollie had succumbed to the slatted shutters that everybody seemed to have and which always made Callum think of magnolia paint thanks to a comment Eilish had once made comparing the two. He did think they suited this flat, though.

“You did the floorboards,” commented Ben, noticing that they had been sanded and polished. Carrying on inspecting, he saw that Noah’s furniture was still there. “You kept his furniture?”

“Hmmm,” Ollie hummed. “The agent said the previous tenant didn’t want it … and it IS nice, works with the bits I’ve bought I think, so … why not?

“Absolutely,” agreed Callum. “Why not?”

“Wow, Ollie, this is one massive bed,” shouted Ben from the bedroom, where he was busy luxuriating.

“Get your shoes off my bed,” said Ollie, turning to Callum. “How do you live with him?” Callum grinned and removed Ben’s boots, climbing on the bed with him (he’d removed his own shoes at the front door) and pulling Ollie on there with them.

“Ooh, big enough for a threesome,” sassed Ben as they all lay there comfortably.

“Not with you two,” retorted Ollie. “I wouldn’t get a look in.”

“Seriously, Ols, while we’ve got you in our arms, how are ya doin’?” Ben’s face showed his genuine concern and Callum’s mirrored it. Ollie propped himself up on his elbow to face them.

“I am fine. More than fine, I feel positive, like good things might happen.” He looked down at his best friends and made a little wish that he would find what they had. “Right, lunch. Johnny’ll be round any minute so let’s not be caught in bed.”

“Johnny?” asked Callum as they followed Ollie through to the kitchen. Ollie turned to face them.

“He’s my friend. He’s our friend. The four of us – we’re close. I don’t want to lose that but I don’t want Johnny and me to be boyfriends. He says he feels the same so we’re going to try, starting today with lunch.”

Lunch was easy, normal even, with their usual mix of serious and ridiculous conversation. They all knew that the real challenge would come when Ollie or Johnny found somebody else, but for now this was a good start.

**FRIDAY 5.2**

Despite setting off as soon as the children went to school, they didn’t arrive at the beach house until sundown. The drive up through Northumberland in the fading light on roads deserted other than for them had been utterly beautiful and they had travelled in silence drinking in the majesty of the countryside. Not entirely confident that their beloved classic cars would make the journey, they were in their family car, which, that morning, they had realised was the right choice as they crammed its spacious boot full of luggage and provisions.

As they parked the car and opened the doors to get out, they were hit by three things in quick succession: the searing cold, the sound of the sea amidst an enveloping silence, the total darkness uninterrupted by the new moon.

Callum grabbed their coats, hats, scarves and gloves and thrusting Ben’s at him, he pulled on his own.

“We’ll get inside in a minute. I want to go down to the sea.”

They made their way through the dunes and landed on a huge beach. The sea was in, leaving less than fifty metres to the water’s edge but, looking left and right, the sand was endless.

“It’s like it goes on forever,” murmured Callum.

“Wanna walk?” asked Ben. Callum nodded.

It was bewitching, the murmuring shush of the surf on the sand, slight booms of bigger waves further out, nothing else but the sound of their footsteps. Looking around they could see the twinkling lights of a small town in the distance but other than that the dunes provided protection from the outside world and they couldn’t see another dwelling.

The darkness deepened as they walked, erasing the line between the inky black sea and the sky, just for a still and silent moment before little pinpricks of light started to emerge. As they turned to head back to the beach house, those tiny sparks became a glittering array of diamonds.

“Shit Callum, look at the stars,” whispered Ben, not wanting to spoil the scene by adding his voice.

“Yeah,” croaked Callum, suddenly emotional. Ben reached a gloved hand and wiped away the solitary tear from Callum’s eye.

“Happy cryin’ or sad cryin’?” he asked gently.

“Happy,” confirmed Callum. “This place. It feels like we’ve dropped onto another planet. Just you and me here. God I am SO happy.”

Ben reached up and kissed him softly on the lips.

“Don’t cry,” he advised. “It’s so fuckin’ cold your tears’ll freeze.” He was right about the temperature and they picked up the pace to get back to the beach house.

As they approached it, they could see how the house had been designed. It was tiny, with its back wall tucked against the dune, one windowless wall adjacent to the space for the car and the other two walls having large picture windows to make the most of the view, both opening out onto a decked veranda. The veranda deck was a couple of metres above the sand and they could see deck chairs and body boards stored underneath. Maybe in the summer, thought Ben.

Inside there was a miniscule kitchen and living area, a shower room and a bedroom. There was absolutely nothing in the place that wasn’t needed for living, no clutter, no ornaments, no art, but what was there was extremely luxurious: sumptuous armchairs, a stylish, carved wooden cupboard and a huge bed with crisp white sheets, plump pillows, a thick duvet and a collection of throws. Three small stoves provided the heating.

“Definite shag pad,” said Ben, bouncing on the edge of the bed and laughing at Callum’s exasperation as he ferried things in from the car.

“Are you planning on doing a LOT of cooking?” he asked, realising for the first time how much food and drink they had brought. Callum looked sheepish.

“There are some places we could visit if you want but I … I’m happy to hole up here with you and not go anywhere. Just walk, eat and drink, sleep … and have sex.”

“In that order?” Ben’s eyes twinkled.

“Reverse order,” smiled Callum.

**SATURDAY 6.2**

They hadn’t bothered to close the shutters the previous night so woke to sunlight streaming in through the floor to ceiling picture window of the bedroom.

“Woah,” exclaimed Ben, closing his eyes again immediately against the onslaught.

“No Ben, sit up.” Callum’s voice was excited and urgent. “Just look.” Ben sat up, blinking to become accustomed to the light as Callum handed him his glasses.

The view was astounding. They had known from their walk the previous night that this house sat right on the edge of the beach, but from the bed, it looked as though they were right on the edge of the water, with the sea running up to the deck. It was an illusion of course; below their sightline was the short dune and the sandy beach but it was stunning nonetheless.

Ben crawled up to sitting, snuggling up close to Callum, wrapping an arm around his middle. It was almost silent. The surge of the waves could be heard but nothing else. Ben almost didn’t want to breathe in case he spoiled it.

“You’ll pass out,” commented Callum. Ben looked at him curiously. “Holdin’ your breath like that.” Ben exhaled, sighing happily, nestling his head on his husband’s shoulder. They sat, holding each other, just breathing and watching the sun sprinkling its glitter on the shimmering sea as it rose higher and higher in the sky.

Callum focused on what was closest to him: the weight of Ben against him, the smell of Ben, the soft texture of his t-shirt and the gentle tickle of his hair against Callum’s neck, the sound of his breathing and the soft sighs of satisfaction coming from him, the sensation of his fingers gently pressing against Callum’s waist and their legs pressed together. His heart felt like it was in danger of exploding, he loved this man so much. He loved his impetuosity, his wit and his humour, his big, generous, hopeful heart and the prickly skin he wore to hide it from everybody. Everybody but Callum. Ben was battered and bruised, broken in so many places, but he trusted Callum completely to look after him and Callum was honoured that Ben wanted HIM to do it.

Ben felt the strength of his beautiful husband holding him. Callum was a giant. His hopefulness and his determination to have a life full of love and joy were indefatigable and Ben still couldn’t make sense of the fact that Callum had seen the possibility of this in him but he knew it was a fact: Callum had chosen him. He was in awe of Callum’s ability to rise, to find a way out of the deepest holes and to be optimistic. The way he could exist amongst all of the horrors of life and still find some absurdity to giggle about was an inspiration to Ben. His wonderful man was a melting pot of trauma and anxiety and love and brightness and Ben was blown away with the idea that HE had been chosen to be there, alongside him, supporting him and loving him.

“I love you,” murmured Ben.

“Was just thinking the same thing,” smiled Callum. “I love you.”

**MONDAY 8.2**

Much of the weekend had been spent in bed having lazy sex, passionate sex, inventive sex. It was a rare thing to have so much time to devote to their physical pleasure and their love-making was hugely restorative, like a deep massage undoing all the knots of stress and anxiety and oiling their bonds of love and connectedness. They knew exactly how to reach each other and had a lot of fun.

However, they had barely eaten in that time and were both feeling hungry.

“I really want more sex but I’m going to pass out if I don’t eat properly,” said Ben, laying naked on top of Callum, relishing the feeling of his skin, top to toe, against Callum’s. “You stay here. I’ll be back. Don’t move and DO NOT put clothes on.” As Ben left for the kitchen, Callum sat up and watched the waves and the sky, luminous shades of blue, huge expanses, vast and wonderful, constantly in motion and yet stable and present. He knew Ben would call it a metaphor and would laugh at his flight of fancy, but, sitting in this bed, it did seem like it was just that.

Soon enough, Ben was back with his feast. There was smashed avocado with asparagus and salmon and fruit salad with apples, bananas and pomegranate and hot chocolate. Callum frowned.

“Some of that is for a recipe I was going to do.”

“Yes well,” said Ben, dismissively brushing away the complaint, “these foods have something in common which is why I have put them together.” Callum looked doubtfully at the strange fruit salad thinking that he would never have put those fruits together.

“Okay, I give in, what have they got in common?” he asked, delighted by Ben’s saucy face. Whatever he was up to, Callum thought it was adorable.

“They are all,” said Ben, settling the tray on the bed by Callum’s side, “aphrodisiacs.” His cheeky smile grew and Callum giggled infectiously setting Ben off.

“What effect are you hoping they’ll have?” asked Callum as they both devoured the meal.

“You are about to find out,” promised Ben, moving the tray onto the floor and straddling Callum.

**WEDNESDAY 10.2**

Finally, they made it outside. The sun had not long risen and the sky was so pale it was almost not blue but the palest yellow. A bitterly cold wind lightly scudded down the beach but everywhere was so clean and so fresh that Callum and Ben felt like new people. They walked in comfortable silence for more than an hour, eventually reaching a ruined castle perched on the clifftop. The rickety wooden ticket booth was firmly boarded up for the winter so they wandered around the outside of the site quickly becoming aware that they were the only people there. Turning through a narrow stone flanked gap, they found themselves on the side of the castle that bordered the sea, on a steep grassy bank that disappeared twenty metres away off a cliff edge. Callum dropped to the ground and lay looking at the sky.

“It’s a good job one of us is prepared,” said Ben, swinging the backpack off his back and unloading a picnic blanket and thermos flask. Callum stared in surprise.

“Where did you find those?”

“In the beach house.” Ben spread out the blanket, sat down and immediately started sliding down the rug because of the steep slope. Callum pulled him up and dragged the blanket to a slightly flatter spot, lying back down to stare at the sky and gesturing for Ben to join him.

“I’ve been thinking,” he said. “When we’re away like this and everything is so perfect, and there are no stresses, no worries, is it running away or is it recuperating?”

“And what have you decided?” asked Ben. Callum was quiet so, after a minute, he carried on. “We have just spent four days shagging almost non-stop. I have NEVER done that in my life and neither have you, not even on our honeymoon, and I am NEVER gonna forget it. You and me are sex gods.”

“What are you saying?” Callum looked towards Ben, curious about where he was going with it.

“I’m saying,” Ben explained patiently, “it’s not running away, it’s not recuperating, it’s shagging.” He rolled towards Callum and gazed at him lovingly. “Really, really great shagging.” They continued to gaze, eyes fixed firmly on each other. “We’ve got something special Callum. We got lucky and found our great love. I often pinch myself, wondering if I deserve it but, whether I do or I don’t, it’s what I have. And I am so fuckin’ grateful.”

“Maybe one day you’ll accept that you’re amazing. I wish you could see what I see. You’re not just a sex god.” Callum reached across and caressed Ben’s cheek. “But you’re right, we are lucky with what we have. It is special. It is a great love. And whether our life is going brilliantly or we’re having a terrible time, like last month, we have it.”

Bundled up in thick coats and hats and scarves, they lay on the cliff top watching the sky, light clouds chasing each other, listening to the waves crashing on the dark rocks below and …

“… smelling the sheep shit,” giggled Ben as Callum was trying to teach him how to focus on his senses.

“How do you know it’s sheep shit?” wondered Callum. “I haven’t seen any sheep.”

“What else could it be?”

“Goats?”

“What like mountain goats ‘cause we’re on a slope?” teased Ben, giggling hysterically. “And have you seen goats?”

“Okay, rabbits.”

“Actually that’s not a bad shout,” admitted Ben, examining the shit closely, as Callum watched unable to believe what his daft husband was doing. “Yeah, I think I am smelling rabbit poo. What’s next?”

“Something you can feel …” instructed Callum, laughing hard at Ben’s lascivious face.

“I’m getting’ how this helps you now,” grinned Ben, delighted at Callum’s gleeful laughing. As much as he loved having sex with Callum, his favourite times were these, giggling and talking rubbish, totally in tune with each other.

**THURSDAY 11.2**

“This beach is stunning,” commented Ben as they were sitting on the sand face-to-face, alone on the deserted beach. The sun was going down and the soft light created an intimate atmosphere. “Can you imagine how much Robbie would have loved running here?” Even as he asked the question, his heart sank. In their call home earlier in the day, he had spotted Robbie in the background and had seen that he was still tired and unwell. Callum saw Ben’s face fall.

“What?” he asked, reaching a supportive hand to Ben’s head and running his fingers through his hair.

“Rob isn’t right. We need to take him back to the vet.” Callum nodded his agreement. He had also been worried. For a moment they both contemplated the loss of Robbie. They knew that his death was ahead of them, and it would be heartbreaking, but he was only six. Surely there could be some way to help him get better. The thought of it was deeply upsetting and they reached for each other for comfort, resting their foreheads together and holding hands.

The challenges of the past few weeks surfaced for both of them and, as they mentally played through the sequence of events, they were reminded how their love for each other was what had fixed them and enabled them to bear the difficulties.

“I love you Ben,” said Callum, “ and I will love you for all time. Life is going to test us and we’ll struggle. Then there’ll be precious moments of happiness and we’ll fly. But whatever is happening, you and me, Ben, we have our love and it is a wonderful thing.”

“I love you Callum,” said Ben, “and I will love you for all time. I love the way we laugh together and the way we cry together. But laughing or crying, we have this amazing love and I am so fuckin’ grateful for it.”

**FRIDAY 12.2**

The car was packed and Callum and Ben were having a final coffee on the veranda. The sand and the sea and the sky stretched out in front of them, sparkling soft yellows and blues in the watery, winter light. It was still icy cold but they had become used to dressing in warm clothes and both enjoyed being outside. The beach house was at the end of a long gravel track and there were no other buildings in sight and, as it had been all week, the beach was deserted. It had been like they were in their own little world and they wouldn’t have traded it for anywhere else.

But they missed their children and were ready to head home. The following week was half term and they were looking forward to day trips and bike rides and evenings playing games and watching movies, spending time with family and sharing their love.

+++

**MONDAY 22.2**

“You take the boys to school. I’ll have a chat with Charlie. Then we’ll have a look at the enquiry forms and figure out what work we’re going to do,” suggested Ben, recognising that Callum was despondent about the team leaving MHI and hadn’t had the motivation to check the forms, something he generally did before Monday morning team meetings. There wasn’t a team so what was the point of a team meeting?

When the house had emptied out, Ben sat down in the living room with Robbie. The little dog’s latest round of tests had revealed renal damage and, having spent a few days in animal hospital essentially rehydrating, he was now on a course of medication. Dialysis was a very real worst-case scenario but the vet had been positive and said there was a good chance he would make a full recovery. Ben could already see signs of that from his daft grin as he rolled onto his back to have his tummy scratched.

“Feeling better are you boy? Fancy a walk later?” Robbie immediately bounced off his lap and went to get his lead. It had been so long since he had done this that Ben shed a tear.

“Later, Rob, later. You know what later means.” Smart as ever, Robbie dropped his lead and jumped up next to Ben to continue his cuddle.

At nine on the dot, Ben heard Charlie’s sonar pulse sound. They hadn’t spoken in three weeks and Ben was eager to see his friend so immediately tapped on his tablet to enable the video call.

“Ben.” Charlie looked frightened and Ben was immediately alarmed.

“Charlie, what’s the matter, mate?”

“Somebody has been in my system, looking around. I can’t get a fix on who they are or what they’re looking for.” Ben could see something else was different about Charlie and realised it was that he had lost his eyelashes. He lived with alopecia so had not had eyebrows as long as Ben had known him, but no eyelashes was new. Charlie must have been stressing for a while.

“When did this happen?”

“Friday, February 5th. The start of your holiday.”

“Charlie, that was more than two weeks ago. Why are you only telling me now?”

“This is our first call since then.” Ben had thought that being clear about having two Mondays away would have helped Charlie but he could see now that Charlie had interpreted that as a ban on calling.

“Mate, Charlie, we will usually talk on Monday mornings. But sometimes we won’t if either of us has something else on. And sometimes we’ll need to talk at a different time when something happens. Like this. Even if you’re not working for us, you can call whenever you like. We’ll help you with this, mate.”

“I need to come back to work for you.” Charlie’s face was full of anguish. He was desperately worried that Callum and Ben would not want to continue with him but there was a hopeful part of him that knew he had never had anything but acceptance from them and thought it was possible that they saw him for what he could offer rather than what he couldn’t. The look on Ben’s face told him he didn’t need to worry.

“Oh mate, that is the best news. Are you sure? If there’s anything we need to do to be better employers, better friends then you just need to tell us. Oh, god, Charlie, that is such good news. Come on, bring it in, big guy.” Charlie realised he was about to receive his second Ben kiss and offered his cheek up to the screen. Ben saw the flush in Charlie’s face and his heart warmed for him. Charlie was such a lovely man.

They talked for a while about the hack into Charlie’s system and arranged a time to have a deeper look at it. Charlie was already feeling reassured and they moved on to talk about life in general and were chatting about Ben’s and Callum’s holiday when Callum came in, a little later than usual as he’d stopped to have a chat with Eddie and Emma at the school gates.

“Hey Charlie,” he smiled, squeezing up next to Ben so that he could be in the shot.

“Guess what?” said Ben, clearly excited to share the news. “Charlie is coming back to work for us.” Callum’s huge smile told Charlie everything. He was loved by this pair. Before he had got to know them, he had been increasingly unable to cope with life, even within his tightly controlled home environment. Then he met them and he could breathe and hope and smile again. They had saved him, they loved him and he loved them back. It was a precious thing and he resolved to treasure it.

“Right,” said Callum. “Shall we move to the office and get on with our planning meeting?” He and Ben crossed the hallway, taking Charlie on the tablet with them, and were completely taken by surprise as they opened the door to see Frankie sitting there.

“Surprise!” she laughed. Even though they had only seen her the previous day when she and Marcus had been round for Sunday lunch, they both gave her a big hug like they hadn’t seen her in weeks. Buoyed by Charlie’s news, Ben was feeling hopeful. Callum was even more confident.

“You coming back to work?” he asked boldly.

“Just two days a week,” she said. “And Marcus will do some if you need him.” The past three weeks had given her enough time to realise that she was never ever going to leave these two. Their lives were entwined anyway but she felt like she belonged in this team. She loved working with them.

“Right then,” said Callum, opening up the enquiry forms. “ Let’s see what we’ve got.”


End file.
